JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Glad To Be A Man And Glad To Be A Woman!

I'm Glad I'm A Man!

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.

I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

And now it's time for a rebuttal

I'm Glad I'm A Woman!

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.

It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

 

[melody]

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was going through the woods to visit her grandmother, when she happened to see the three little pigs. "Where are you going?" they asked.

"I'm going to visit my grandmother," she said. "Don't go," the pigs told her. "The wolf in in the neighborhood, and he will tear your little red dress off, take off your knickers, and rape you."
"I'm not afraid of the wolf, because I have a gun," said Red Riding Hood, and she went on.
Then she came upon the three bears, who asked, "Where are you going Red Riding Hood?" "I'm going to my grandma's," she told them. "Don't go," said the bears. "The wolf is in the neighborhood. He'll tear off your little red dress, take down your red knickers, and rape you."
"I'm not afraid of the wolf," said Red Riding Hood. "I have my gun."
Sure enough when she got to there grandmothers, the wolf was there. As soon as he saw her he said, "I've been waiting for you Little Red Riding Hood." "I'm going to rip off your little red dress, take down your red knickers, and I'm going to rape you."
"No your not," said Little Red Riding Hood as she whipped out her gun. "You're going to eat me just like in the book."

==========

"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm
very sick, would you please call me a vet?"

"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?"
asked his wife.
...
The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a
dog, and have to sleep with a cow!"

==========

Confucious Says
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

What is a FACT?
A Fact is a bit of grizzle That separates the Muck Hole from the
Fuck Hole, One slip and your in the Shit and that's a Fact--

==========

Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the emergency room
for a concussion and severe head wounds?
She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungee cord.

==========

Why is it so difficult to solve a redneck murder?

A) The DNA is all the same.
B) No dental records.

 

[melody]

Freak Test

1. Have you ever had intercourse? (5pts)
2.Oral Sex: Giving to Orgasm (5 pts) Receiving (5pts)
3. Licked an ass? (5pts)
4.Had your ass licked? (5pts)
5. Stuck your tongue in their ass? (10pts)
6. Swallowed Cum? (5pts)
7. Practiced Bondage or BDSM ? (5pts)
8.Had anal sex? (5pts)
9.Had an orgasm from anal sex? (5pts)
10.Ever squirted or made someone squirt? (10pts)
11. Squirted from oral or made someone squirt? (5pts)
12.Had sex with someone of the same sex? (5pts)
13.Did a threesome? (5pts)
14.Did a foursome? (5pts)
15.Been in an Orgy? (5pts)
16.Been in a gangbang? (5pts)
17.Had sex in public? (5pts)
18. Snowballed (swapping cum) with someone? (10pts)
19.Had your toes licked or sucked? (5pts)
20. Licked or sucked someone's toes? (5pts)
21.Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a day? (10pts)
22.Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a week? (10pts)
23.Had cyber sex or phone sex? (5pts)
24. Reached an orgasm? (5pts)
25. Watched porn? (5pts)
26. Bought a dirty magazine? (5pts)
27. Posted nude pictures of you on the net? (5pts)
28.Let someone video tape you having sex? (5pts)
29.Had sex without protection? (5pts)
30.Had someone give you a cum facial or gave someone a cum facial? (5pts)
31.Have you participated in any type of golden showers? (10pts)
32.Have you let anyone or have you shit on anyone? (10pts)
33.Had sex with a friend's significant other? (10pts)
34.Ever did one of your significant others friends or relative? (10pts)
35.Have you ever cheated on your significant other? (5pts)
36.Made someone pass out from sex? (10pts)
37. Tasted your own cum? (5pts)
38. Masturbated? (5pts)
39.Let someone watch you? (5pts)
40.Ever showed you naked on cam? (5pts)
41.Had sex while on your period or while someone was on their period?(10pts)
42.Been ate or eaten someone? (10pts)
43.Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? (10pts)
44.Had sex in a vehicle? (5pts)
45.Been caught having sex? (5pts)
46.Paid for sex? (5pts)
47.Used toys during sex? (5pts) Used food? (5pts)
48.Like pain from a little to extreme during sex? (5pts)
49.Ever been dominated in bed? (5pts)
50.Ever had a wet dream? (5pts)
51.Like to have your ass slapped during sex? (5pts)
52.Like having your nipples licked, sucked, or bitten? (5pts)
53.Had sex with someone you didn't know their name? (10pts)
~~~~~

Scoring ...

0 - 50 Average man or woman (need to be a little more adventurous)
51 - 100 Beginner Freak (keep up the good work)
101 - 150 Big Freak (your heading in the right direction)
151 - 200 Professional Freak (you could charge for your services)
201 - 250 King or Queen Freak (others will never forget you)
251 - over SUPER FREAK (you could write the book, teach the class, and hang the certificate on your wall)

 

[melody]

Gay Funnies

The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he's been propositioning all the teenage boys in town.

The sheriff ditfully arrests the fag and says to him, "ok homo, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!"

The fag says, "I'll need at least two hours."

*~»§«~*~» P «~*~»§«~*

Two firefighters are buttfucking in a smoke filled room.

The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"

The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation."

The Chief says "why didn''t you give him mouth to mouth"

The Firefighter says "How do you think this shit got started?

*~»§«~*~» P «~*~»§«~*

Q: What do you call a gay bar with no place to sit?
A: A fruit stand.

Q: Why do gay men make good linemen?
A: They love penetrating the defense.

Q: What do you call a fart in the men''s room of a gay bar?
A: A love call.

Q: Why did the gay criminal keep going back to prison?
A: He loved it in the can.

*~»§«~*~» P «~*~»§«~*

Two gay guys were in the shower together when one looked down and saw a puddle of white liquid.

He said to the other man What did I tell you about farting in the shower?

*~»§«~*~» P «~*~»§«~*
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."

The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I''ve just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I''ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn''t anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

*~»§«~*~» P «~*~»§«~*

What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room?
100 people that don''t do dick!

Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
Only came in male boxes.

Why do so many gays have moustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.

How can you make a gay man scream twice?
Fuck him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on his curtains.

 

[melody]

Freak Test

1. Have you ever had intercourse? (5pts)
2.Oral Sex: Giving to Orgasm (5 pts) Receiving (5pts)
3. Licked an ass? (5pts)
4.Had your ass licked? (5pts)
5. Stuck your tongue in their ass? (10pts)
6. Swallowed Cum? (5pts)
7. Practiced Bondage or BDSM ? (5pts)
8.Had anal sex? (5pts)
9.Had an orgasm from anal sex? (5pts)
10.Ever squirted or made someone squirt? (10pts)
11. Squirted from oral or made someone squirt? (5pts)
12.Had sex with someone of the same sex? (5pts)
13.Did a threesome? (5pts)
14.Did a foursome? (5pts)
15.Been in an Orgy? (5pts)
16.Been in a gangbang? (5pts)
17.Had sex in public? (5pts)
18. Snowballed (swapping cum) with someone? (10pts)
19.Had your toes licked or sucked? (5pts)
20. Licked or sucked someone's toes? (5pts)
21.Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a day? (10pts)
22.Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a week? (10pts)
23.Had cyber sex or phone sex? (5pts)
24. Reached an orgasm? (5pts)
25. Watched porn? (5pts)
26. Bought a dirty magazine? (5pts)
27. Posted nude pictures of you on the net? (5pts)
28.Let someone video tape you having sex? (5pts)
29.Had sex without protection? (5pts)
30.Had someone give you a cum facial or gave someone a cum facial? (5pts)
31.Have you participated in any type of golden showers? (10pts)
32.Have you let anyone or have you shit on anyone? (10pts)
33.Had sex with a friend's significant other? (10pts)
34.Ever did one of your significant others friends or relative? (10pts)
35.Have you ever cheated on your significant other? (5pts)
36.Made someone pass out from sex? (10pts)
37. Tasted your own cum? (5pts)
38. Masturbated? (5pts)
39.Let someone watch you? (5pts)
40.Ever showed you naked on cam? (5pts)
41.Had sex while on your period or while someone was on their period?(10pts)
42.Been ate or eaten someone? (10pts)
43.Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? (10pts)
44.Had sex in a vehicle? (5pts)
45.Been caught having sex? (5pts)
46.Paid for sex? (5pts)
47.Used toys during sex? (5pts) Used food? (5pts)
48.Like pain from a little to extreme during sex? (5pts)
49.Ever been dominated in bed? (5pts)
50.Ever had a wet dream? (5pts)
51.Like to have your ass slapped during sex? (5pts)
52.Like having your nipples licked, sucked, or bitten? (5pts)
53.Had sex with someone you didn't know their name? (10pts)
~~~~~

Scoring ...

0 - 50 Average man or woman (need to be a little more adventurous)
51 - 100 Beginner Freak (keep up the good work)
101 - 150 Big Freak (your heading in the right direction)
151 - 200 Professional Freak (you could charge for your services)
201 - 250 King or Queen Freak (others will never forget you)
251 - over SUPER FREAK (you could write the book, teach the class, and hang the certificate on your wall)

 

[melody]

Quit Smoking

Two blondes are having lunch catching up with each other's news.

"I heard you've given up smoking, is it true?"

"Yes, I haven't had a cigarette in almost two months."

"But you were such a heavy smoker, you must tell me your secret.
I've tried everything to quit."

"Well it's really quite simple. Every time I get the urge to smoke a
Cigarette, I suck on a LifeSaver instead"

"Well that's easy for you, but I don't live near the beach"

HHHHH

"Oh Mom!" sobbed Little Mary, "I'm pregnant!"
"What!? How could you?" screamed the Mother,
"and just who is the father?"
The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed,
"How should I know?
You're the one who would never let me go steady!"

HHHHH

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people
can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied
his mother.

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking
to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed
the ass off his secretary."

 

[melody]

Pedophile Pete

Pedophile Pete is walking down the street and he runs into one of his
buddies. His buddy says: "Hey Pete, was that your new girlfriend I saw
you with the other day?" Peter, looking somewhat embarrassed and shamed
says "yeah".
His buddy says "How old is she?"
Looking even more shame faced Pete replies "Nine".
His buddy says "Isn't that a little old for you?".
Pete says "Yeah, but she's got the body of a six year old."


A doctor had just finished screwing one of his patients,
when he said to himself, 'you know, its not right I should
screw my own patients.' Just then, a voice in his head said,
don't worry about it, almost all doctors screw their patients.'
The doctor felt a little bit better, until another voice in his
head said, 'yeah, but they're probably not a veterinarian'

Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and mad cow disease?
A: Two tits!

Q: Why did god invent football?
A: So that married men could have some physical contact in their lives.

Q: Why do woman always appear to be changing their minds?
A: It allows them to continually delude themselves that they have one!

Q: Why hasn't a woman walked on the moon?
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning!

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: What do you give the pedophile who has everything?
A: Another parish
Q. What is black and sits at the top of a set of stairs?.
A. A quadrIplegic in a house fire.

Q. What did the mongoloid say to his dog?
A. Downsyndrome!!

Q. What do you do after you just raped a 12yr old deaf & dumb girl ?
A. Break her fingers so she can't tell her mom.

Q. How do you cook vegetables in the microwave ?
A. Take them out of their wheelchair.

Plastic Surgery

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The surgeon examined
him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer park, and from where I live, I can see
this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and she's built like a brick
house. She's so horny that every night, I see her take a hot dog from the
refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then
she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."

"And?" prompted the doctor.

"Well," said the man, "I felt this was a waste, so one day I got under
her trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and
substituted my dick.

"It was a great idea and everything was going real good, too. Then
someone knocked at her door, and she jumped off my hot dog and tried to
kick it under the stove!"


A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time...she's lying on her
back with her feet in the stirrups when the doctor comes in. He lifts up
the sheet and recoils in shock. "My goodness", he says, "You have a HUGE
pussy!"
She's upset, of course, and runs home in tears...Then she starts to
think - this guy would know, right? After all, he is a doctor. Now she's
curious, so she puts a mirror on the floor, strips from the waist down,
and stands over the mirror so she can check it out. Just then her
husband
comes home. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks. She's embarrassed to
say, so she sways her hips a little and says, "Oh, I'm just dancing..."
He says "Better watch out... You'll fall in that big fucking hole in the
floor"

 

[melody]

Old Italian Couple

An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall.
After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first
saleswoman she sees and asks,
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony.
He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband. So the Italian
woman goes to ask another saleswoman:
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"
"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."
The Italian woman goes
to see one more saleswoman and asks,
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"
The saleswoman answers, "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here
licketysplit."
"No no no, thatsa not-a my Tony. He pinch-a the bum,
grab-a the breasts...but he no lickety split!"


Types Of Female Orgasms

There are at least EIGHT types of ORGASM of a WOMAN

1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes..................

2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................

3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No............

4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming.............

5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................

6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More.....................

7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you...

8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH...Deeper...Go DEEPER !!

 

[melody]

Without Ears

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was
born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the
hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before
they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if
he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or
even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when
they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."

" Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he
will have
20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be shit outta luck if
he needed glasses."

;;;;;

Trivia:

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your
stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing
still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

 

[melody]

Women Playing Golf

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at
his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I
know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,'
the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however,
he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid
them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

ZZZZZ

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God and I didn't.

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
What do outhouses and candy have in common?
If there's no hole, it's not a lifesaver.

ZZZZZ

A Mexican, a black man, and a white guy are in a bar having a drink
when a good-looking girl comes up to them and says " whoever can say
liver and cheese in a sentence can have me".

So the white guy says" I love liver and cheese".
She says "that's not good enough".

The black man says "I hate liver and cheese", and she says "that's
not creative",

And then the Mexican says "liver alone cheese mine".

 

[melody]

Whacky Dirty Dafinitions:

OVEN STUFFED ROASTER
1. Type of chicken that is usually seasoned and baked for an extended
period.

2. The unusual method of inserting your finger in the ass of your
partner while screwing her, and feeling her cervix. This procedure is
more effective from behind (see NEW JERSEY MEATHOOK).

HIGH DIVE: /hi-div/
1. Act of jumping out of a plane and free falling toward earth at
nearly 200 mph.

2. The skill of pulling your Johnson all the way out of your partner's
hole, and in one motion, swiftly jamming it home again. Best used in
Corn Hole technique, but dangerous.

TEA-BAG: /tee bagg/
1. A sack like structure containing flavored leaves that is attached
to a string and dangled in water to give it flavor.

2. A sack-like structure containing my fat balls that is attached to
my massive unit and is stuffed into the mouths of young girls to make
them make a "wamuphm" like noise.
3. v. Tea-bag(ing) the act of stuffing them with the sack filled with my
fat balls.

CLEVELAND STEAMER: /KLEEV-lund STEE-mrhh/
1. A water-based merchant cargo vessel originating from a large
Ohioan city near Lake Erie.

2. (slang) The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman
while receiving penal (that is, penis) pleasure from friction between
the mammaries. (see HAWAIAN MUSCLE FUCK and PASADENA MUDSLIDE)

HOT KARL:
1. A German man who just happens to be warm at the moment.

2. The act in which a woman sucks the cock of the man who was just
balls deep in her can. (see also CORN HOLE)

HOT KARL CANDY CANE:
1. A variation of the aforementioned in which the man who is
receiving oral cock cleaning gives the woman a reach around. (See also
SHOCKER)

DIRTY SANCHEZ: /dur-TEE SAN-chez/
1. a filthy hair-lipped Mexican peasant.(Garrett)

2. (A variation of the "Dirty Juanita") The act of fingering a
chick's cornhole, and wiping the remaining detritus on her upper lip
while screwing her from behind, thus leaving a trail of shit moustached
across her visage.

TOPEKA DESTROYER: / TOE-pek-a d'stroi-yrr/
1. An ironclad American warship fabricated in the poorly placed
shipyards of Central Kansas.

2. The act of vomiting directly onto your partner's head while
receiving fellatio. (See COLD LUNCH)

CAJUN HOT STICK: /cage-in hot sti-ck/
1. A spicy meat stick.

2. The act in which the cock is taken out of her pooper (see also
CAJUN LOG) and slathered in the pool of dip spit in the small of her
back and then re-inserted.

RIM: /RIM/
1. the outer often curved or circular edge of something.

2. The outer often wrinkled and dark brown edge of the shit shoot.
3. v. Rim(ing) the art of exploring this prune-like orifice with your
tongue (see also "ANAL TONGUE DARTS")

** Top Ten Signs That You're Not Romantic **

10. You ask the waiter for a seat near the kitchen so it
minimizes the time it takes for your food to arrive.

9. She doesn't like the "I'm The Property of Jason" t-shirt
you got her for your anniversary.

8. You take your date out for dinner that consists of a
coupon for free nachos and half price on drinks.

7. Her candlelight dinners really irritate you 'cause it's
so hard to read the sport's page while eating.

6. You apologize with a dozen dandelions.

5. After a romantic dinner, you offer to do the dishes by
letting the dog lick the plates.

4. You consider pig latin the "language of love".

3. Some say it with flowers, you say it with sparkplugs.

2. When your boyfriend got down on one knee and proposed,
you said, "Shhh!... talk to me during the commercial."

1. "I thought cubic zirconium looked prettier than real
diamonds."
==
I met a girl whose breasts were growing out of her back. She was
pretty funny looking, but she was great to dance with!
==
There once was a man from Calcutta,
who liked to beat off in the gutter,
the heat of the street
melted his meat
and turned his cream into butter.
==
A young blonde woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. What size would you like?"
The blonde responds, "Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone right now."
==
A little boy asked his mother:
- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?
- Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.

 

[melody]

Headaches

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare
condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had
no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first
time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He
saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new
suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The
elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about
a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The
salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again,
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the
business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was
on a roll and said, "Why not?" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said,
"Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you
know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back,
eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18
years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A
size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your
spine and give you one hell of a headache.

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you
the money.

He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield

Because he said ....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to
time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went
over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said,
'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate
myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you
put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,
'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray "after" the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

MY FAVORITE:

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have
had anything to play with.

 

[melody]

Bad To Worse

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
Good: The teacher thinks your son's great.
Bad: In bed.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your son is ****** someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your workmates are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

@@@

When one of the prostitutes passed away, the girls moped disconsolately
around the house. "Good ol' Gloria," lamented one. "She could handle
twenty men a night, drink a fifth of whiskey and still have the strength
to roll five drunks." Hearing this, one of the others burst into tears.
"Why is it," she sobbed, "that a girl has to die before anyone says
anything nice about her?"

][[[[

"Good morning! How may I help you say it with flowers?" the florist
cheerfully asked as he answered his phone. "

Well, since you put it that way, " the male caller answered, "I want
you to send my secretary a cactus." What on earth does a cactus
'say' to your secretary?" the florist queried."It says I want her to
feel a prick."

][[[[

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'BINGO!'

Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their nuts!


Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.......
Remember, when someone annoys you,
It takes 42 muscles in your face to frown
...BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole
upside the head.


A girl of 23 married a man of 84, and they asked her how things went.
"Well," she laughed, "Did you ever try to put a marshmallow in a piggy
bank?"

 

[melody]

Condom Promotion

Cover your stump before you hump.

Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.

Don't be silly, protect your willy.

When in doubt, shroud your spout.

Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.

If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.

If you go into heat, package your meat.

Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

The right selection! Protect your erection.

Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

If you really love her, wear a cover.

Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.

Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

No glove, No love.

Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.

AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.

$$$$$

The manager hired a new secretary. she was young, sweet, and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention." The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

Senior's Sex Guide

*Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

*Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

*Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

*Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

*Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

*Keep extra Poly grip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

*Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

*Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

*If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

*Don't even think about trying it twice.
*******
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

 

[melody]

Sick On Mondays'

The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him.

Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office.

"What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."

Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long."

"Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"

Man says, "I *told* you I was sick."
--------
Q: What's the definition of a fart?
A: A turd honking for the right-of-way.
Q: Why are faggots so generous?
A: They don't know how to be tight-arsed.
Q: Did you hear about the homo whale?
A: He bit off the tip of a submarine and sucked out all the seamen.
Q: Why did god create umbilical cords?
A: So babies can bungy jump.
Q: Why do you wrap duck tape around guinea pigs?
A: So they don't explode when you fuck them.
Q: What do you call a guinea pig with two rolls of duck tape on its back?
A: A slut.
Q: Why don't the blind go parachuting?
A: It scares the fuck out of the guide dog.
Q: How do you make paper dolls?
A: Fuck an old bag.
Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?
A: When she flips you over, holds you down and fucks you up the arse with her clitoris.
Q: What do you Call a period?
A: A waste of fucking time.
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.
Q) What do you call a nurse with dirty knees
A) The Head Nurse
Q: What's the definition of a virgin?
A: An ugly second grader.

MOTHER NASTY--ADVICE FOR TRUE QUEERS..

Wise in Her Ways, Caring in Her Comfort, Holy in Her Vengeance...
Mother Nasty is Here!!

Dear Mother Nasty,
I am a teenage girl who is grossly overweight and believe I am gay. There is a really nice girl in my gym class who really turns me on. How can I tell if she is interested in me even though I am very fat?

Dear Goddess of the Flesh,
One thing I have to say is: Fat is where it's at. Do you want to have sex with a fucking bony-assed beanpole or a soft, wet pillowy mound of hot, lusty pleasure? Honey, you are a volcano of pure sex. I remember high school, I was ready to hump anything that twitched in my general direction. Unless you have genital warts, (I don't recommend them) you will have a slippery clit under your greedy, little tongue faster then you can say, "dental dams and dildos".
I suggest that you check out Fat Girl, a wonderful spot for the true sex symbols of the dyke world.
Love, Mother Nasty


Dear Mother Nasty,
My best friend at my High School listens to Liberace all the time. I heard a rumor that Liberace was gay. Does that mean that my best friend could be gay? I'm not, I just want to find out if he is so I will know if he is checking me out or what!
-- Very Concerned in Kansas

Hey Dorothy,
Tap your shoes 'cuz here's some news. YOU are the fag. Sounds like you're spending a lot of time worrying about whether or not he'll fuck you up the ass. Is this your jackoff dream? Why don't you just ask him, you dumb fuck? Or are you too afraid your wet dreams will come true? Better yet, put him in touch with me, and I'll let you know if you're worthy of his time.


Dear Mother Nasty,
Your opinions are the best. You are a truly wonderful gem, and a source of PRIDE for TRUE Queers everywhere. We need more honest people like yourself on our side.....
-- Jeff

Dear Jeff,
What a dear, sweet fag!! I could just gobble you up...
Love, Mother Nasty


Dear Mother Nasty,
My favorite thing to do is to take my boyfriends penus and lick it.
Then I take a needle and put tabasco sauce into it.
I inject the sauce into his erect cock and beat it.
Then when I suck, the come mixes with the sauce to create a wonderful flavor.

Dear Wanna-suck-but-are-too-chicken-shit-to-actually-do-it Tabasco Boy,
You fucking breeder!!!!! No self-respecting fag would misspell "penis" or "cum". No true cock sucker would say "erect" when they can say "hard" or "throbbing" or some other raunchy fuck-word. And obviously you're speaking from your imagination rather than experience if you have so much time to cruise around queer sites and pretend to be cute.
Thanks for your suggestion. However, for those readers who aren't into ramming needles in their cocks to inject corrosive spices, I have another tip. I've been told (by a breeder actually) that if you eat a lot of pineapple for a day or two, cum becomes sweet. This is great for those cocksucking couples who might have ulcers and can't eat spicy foods.
Bon Appetit!


Dear Mother Nasty,
My girlfriend keeps asking me if I'd like to watch her have sex with a man. This really repulses me, and makes me wonder if she's really a lesbian, but I love her. What should I tell her?
-- Pure at Heart in Boise


Hey Spud Girl,
First of all, honey child, YOU repulse Me, you separatist Nazi Bitch. The only thing you should tell her is goodbye, 'cause she's way too good for you. If she's bi, then she should be able to explore that without you getting your repressed ass in the way. Sex is Sex and Sex is Fun.

 

[melody]

Elderly Proposal

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

@@@

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at that time of life.
The 80 year old said : "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it is still a problem."
The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up before 7:00."

 

[melody]

Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A. A love call.


Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.


Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room


Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.


Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.

Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.


Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.


Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A. Finger painting.


Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.


Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!


Q. What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles


Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.


Q. Who makes more money, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. A prostitute, because she can always wash her crack, and sell it again!


Q. Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?
A. You try to keep five hundred pounds of pussy wet!


Q. Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
A. They kept trying each other.


Q. What's the difference between a Trisket and a lesbian?
A. A Trisket is a snack cracker and a lesbian is a crack snacker!


Q. why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
A. To see her crack


Q. What is the difference between great literature and pornography?
A. Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.


Q. Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
A. To keep its nuts dry.


Q. Why was Tigger's head in the toilet?
A. He was looking for pooh!

The Gross Bathroom Disaster

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to
break something.

The boy continues. "Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're
going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a
short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He
gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A
diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what
she's seeing.

Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in
the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she
describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to
examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on
his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes
out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!

The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls,
etc. Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is
the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

@@@

3 brunettes were walking in the forest when thay came along some tracks.
The first brunette said "Those are bear tracks" and the second brunette said "No you moron those are deer tracks" and the third brunette said "Don't be stupid, those are rabbit tracks"..... (*HONK HONK*) and then the train hit them.
~~~
There was a young man from Mauritius,
Who said 'That fuck was delicious'
But the next time I cum,
It will be up your bum,
Coz that scab on your cunt looks suspicious!!

 

[RibpineeDic]

no limit texas holdem

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[melody]

"Dad, what are you doing?"

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises
from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered
their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all
they were worth.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"
"It's ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that's all."
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was
pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and
was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his
father.
"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"
"Son, there's been a change of plan," his father replied.
"Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW."

XXXXX

What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South?
A homo-sex-y'all.

The dumbest part of a mans body is his penis.....
It hangs out with a couple of nuts,
lives next door to an asshole
and his best friend is a pussy!

How do you recycle toilet paper?
Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.

What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
At least when you are eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of
you.

Why did the blonde pee on the floor?
Because the sign said "wet floor."

How does a blonde moonwalk?
She pulls down her panties and slides her butt along the floor.

XXXXX

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

Viagra Diary

Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2. Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

Day 3. This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4. A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, 'this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us.' I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 7. This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself!

Day 8. I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. Sore as hell...

Day 10. Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over.

Day 11. The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Hamlet and he thought it was "The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my armpits hurt. He's a nasty man.

Day 12. Ok, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.

Day 13. I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous!

Day 14. Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill him.

Day 15. I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" makes "Father Woody" want to bark like a dog. Help me.

Day 16. I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to... stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. I'm starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to screw himself. He did. He must die.

 

[melody]

Henny Youngman Classic Comedy

Henny Youngman's Favorite Insults:

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.

He was born on April 2. A day late.

I'd like to say we're glad you're here -- I'd like to say it...

He gives his wife something to look forward to -- a divorce.

Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there.

Look at him, sex takes a holiday!

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker.

There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.

He's an agent now. He must know talent. He gave up acting.

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

Airline Jokes

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Doctor Jokes

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

Drunk Jokes

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge say,s "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Golf Jokes

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

Hollywood Jokes

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

Homeless Guys Jokes

A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him, "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

Another bum asked me, "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him, "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said, "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."