JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Jacko's Q's & A's

Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Jackson residence?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song?
A: "And Then He Touched Me."

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?
A: It's called "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing."

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play
with and the other you carry your groceries in.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boy's pants were half off.

Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: "Get out of my son!"

Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand.

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy.

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new song?
A: "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles."

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have
decided to begin training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna
ride all the three-year-olds.

Q: Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A: He doesn't mind reaching bottom.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his.

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.

Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
A: Foreplay.

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalog.

Q: What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic?
A: Blowing his first nose.

Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on Pepsi.

Q: What's black and comes in little white cans?
A: Michael Jackson.

Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common?
A: They both play ball in the Minor League.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan?
A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.

 

[melody]

Twins and An Old Lady

Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe said, "Oh hell no, face is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her. She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle".

The old woman fainted.


The Butler Did It

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late.

The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour and a half, the Wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.

The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people.

So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.

She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress". "Now take off my bra."

"Next remove my shoes and stockings."

"Now remove my garter belt and panties"

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".

~~~~~~~~

Q. When do you slap a midget? A. When he tells your girlfriend her hair smells nice....
What do pubic hair and Brussel sprouts have in common?
You just push them out of the way and keep eating.

~~~~~

A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget.

Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!"

Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy Dear, Can't you see I'm trying to taper off ?"

 

[melody]

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him
sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in
preparation of sex with his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide
his
full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly
replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little
Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"


~~~~~~~~


Camilla had come to see Dr. Freud. When the shrink began using sexual
terms, she interrupted, "Wait, what is a phallic symbol?"

"A phallic symbol," explained Freud, "represents the phallus."

"What's a phallus?" asked Camilla.

"Well," said the analyst, "the best way to explain it is to show you."
He stood up, unzipped his fly and took out his prick. "This is a
phallus."

"Oh," said Camilla. "It's just like a cock, only smaller."

 

[melody]

There was a young lady from Cue
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too."

~~~~~~~~

Here I sit all broken hearted
Came to shit and only farted
One hour later, I took a chance,
Went to fart and shit my PANTS!!

~~~~~~~~

There was a young girl named Sapphire,
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

~~~~~~~~

Two gays and two lesbians are all fleeing the country. Which pair is
going to make it out first?
The two gays... they already have their shit packed.

 

[melody]

Definition Of The Perfect Husband

A guy who makes his wife's panties wet...
He does the laundry every week.

o0o0o0o0o0

And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never
know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
_____

Q. What do blowjobs and flowers have in common?
A. After the first year they are only given on special occasions.
_____

What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?
A woman's mouth!

o0o0o0o0o0

A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a
marriage counselor.

The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to
begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in
common."

The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks cocks."

 

[melody]

Addiction

Bob visited his doctor, seeking help for his
terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar
with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an
unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars,
unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then
remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others,
in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The
aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them,
not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And Bob did. But three weeks later he
came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be
effective even in the most addictive of cases, such
as yours is!" answered the doctor.

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my
addiction," replied the Bob.

"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go
to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."

~~~~~~~~

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wants a
virgin bride. Since she was not, she went to a doctor to
reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her that would cost
around $500, but there was another way that will cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and
the doctor worked on her for several minutes.

After the "first night", the woman came back to the doctor
and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood,
everything was there. She asked him how he did it.

"I tied your pubic hair together," he answered.

~~~~~~~~

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.
The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally,
one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been
sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"

"I know," the other woman replied. "I heard it snoring...!"

 

[melody]

Austin Powers Pickup Lines

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.

2. Nice legs...what time do they open?

3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one?

8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

9. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

15. Are those real?

16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

19. (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.

20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

22. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?

34. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

35. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

36. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.

37. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

38. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

 

[melody]

Leprosy

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he
gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are
peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out
the other fans.

The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his
grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an
open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man
in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.

The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If
it disturbs you, I will move."

"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."

A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits.
Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing
me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused
you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."

"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the
man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus.
A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's
mouth and nose until is stomach is completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing
me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused
you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."

"Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."

So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the
man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The
leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering.
And once again, the leper offers to leave.

But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."

So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick,
that what is it?"

"It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back."


o0o0o0o0o0

Definition Of The Perfect Husband

A guy who makes his wife's panties wet...
He does the laundry every week.

o0o0o0o0o0

And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never
know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
_____

Q. What do blowjobs and flowers have in common?
A. After the first year they are only given on special occasions.
_____

What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?
A woman's mouth!

o0o0o0o0o0

A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a
marriage counselor.

The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to
begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in
common."

The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks cocks."

 

[melody]

Mike Is Dead!

Two guys in a bar...

One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!"

" Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he
arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit
the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went
flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed
in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the
floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room
and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just
dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing
down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the
wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull
himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks
and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken
banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor,
sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the
downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the
kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big
pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and
burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground,
covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull
himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and
pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't
mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he ..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my fucking house."

()()()()()()()()()()

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"
The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans,
would you know which bean made you FART?"

 

[melody]

Mean Q & A

Q: What's blue and f*cks old people?
A: Hypothermia

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered
wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is f*cking her.

Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.

Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea

Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years
old.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an
hour.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A . Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a dick, it's not time.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A . They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

 

[melody]

My Little Pussy

I shaved my little pussy,
So the little thing is bare
I thought it should be just like my head
And have a lot less hair

Oh yes, my pussy's hairless
It feels as smooth as silk
And when I get excited
It spurts this stuff like milk.

It feels so good to touch it
I wish that you could see
And take my hairless pussy
Then dive inside of me.

Take my clit between your teeth
And nibble on it please
I'm even willing to help you
By straddling you on my knees

I'd place my hairless pussy
Right atop your lips
And as you start to lick it
I would surely move my hips!

I know you like the thought of this,
My hairless little twat
I know it might sound slutty,
But surely that I'm not.

I'm just a full grown woman
Who has some normal needs
My smoothly shaven pussy
Has lots of them indeed!

It needs some loving licking
And some biting on my clit
I don't even think it'd mind
If you were to fuck it a bit

There are no little curly ones
Left for you to find
Cause my little pussy's hairless
From my front to my behind.

So, you could take me either way
In the front door or the back
What a turn on it would be
To feel your luscious sack.

I think that you should do this
My God, it feels so great!
To feel yourself so smoothly shaved
Is a trip! You shouldn't wait!

Now go and get your razor
And take a little time
To make your pubie hairless
So yours can feel like mine.

Please let me know you've done this
And tell me of every move
Cause just the thought of shaving it
Has me wet in the groove.

I really need some loving
And some animalistic thrusts
I think that if you did this
My cunt would certainly bust.

Then you could spread my juices
Over my smoothly shaven twat
Then the little thing would glisten
My God! It's getting HOT!

So, please take my little pussy
And fuck it any way
I really think it needs it
At least 3 times a day!

 

[melody]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO STRESSED IF...

* You can achieve a "Runn ers High" by sitting up.

* The Sun is too loud.

* Trees begin chasing you.

* You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

* You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* You can hear mimes.

* You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

* Things becomes "Very Clear".

* You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

* You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.

* Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

* You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

* You can skip without a rope.

* It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

* You can travel without moving.

* Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

* You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

* You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.

* Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.

* You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of people you are talking to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dilbert's Words Of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanubutter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo!

 

[melody]

Shipwrecked

Guy gets shipwrecked on an island. He finds that is it inhabited by all
males. After a couple of days, he asks what they do for fun, and the men
tell him, that once a month, they go to the back of the island, take a
rowboat, and go to the island across the bay that has goats on it, and
they have their way with them.

The guy is in disbelief, and says "I'll pass on that"

A few months go by, and the day of the trip across the island, he is the
first on the boat, and the first one out of the boat when they get
there, and runs up and starts making love to this goat. Well, all the
rest of the guys are laughing their head off.

He turns and asks what the hell are they laughing at, and the guys say,
"Well, you were the first to get out here, and you picked the UGLIEST
goat."

 

[melody]

A couple were in bed starting sexual activity when the girl places the
man's hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So
he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers
in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get
worked up when she says,... "Put your whole hand in!".

The guy's like, "Well,Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says
moaning and screaming with pleasure, "Put both your hands inside of
me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands"
commands the girl. "I can't applaud", says the guy. The girl looks at
him and says... "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!"

~~~~~~~~

Q: What do you call the space between the vagina and the asshole?
A: A Chin Rest!

Q. What do you get if you cross a pit bull with Lassie?
A. A dog that chews your leg off, then fetches the doctor.

Bumper sticker seen on the back of a car......
"I wish my wife was this dirty!"

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common
They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!

 

[melody]

Catch Her In The Act

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he
asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was
having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the
cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't
do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I
inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for
our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club
membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he
catches a cold."


~~~~~~~~


Eight Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

8. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

7. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

6. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."

5. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

4. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

3. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."


~~~~~~~~


The dean of women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

 

[melody]

Things Overheard At The STD Clinic

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a
public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for Sexually
Transmitted Diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two
decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate
I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and
my
face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell
you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin'
a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old
homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis
over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the
sores, they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my
other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat
before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust
either of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my
armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline
out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my
brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a
'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."

 

[melody]

A Hungry Cowboy

A cowboy had just spent a week penned up in a cattle railcar, tending to
their needs until they reached their destination. Following the
unloading of the cattle he headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only
seat was next to a lady who looked wealthy and educated. He couldn't
help overhearing her order.

"I'll have a breast of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it's a virgin, catch
it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot,
not to cold, and open the window, I smell a cow, there must be a cowboy
in here."

Thoroughly pissed off, the cowboy placed his order. "I'll have a duck, a
fucked duck, make sure it's fucked, fuck it yourself, garnish my plate
with horse shit, a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, blow the
foam off with a fart, and knock out the wall, I smell a cunt, there must
be a whore in the house."

 

[melody]

It was a miserable hot day in Dallas and these two whores were
walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other (Eloise),
"Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why don't we take off our
panties so's we be cool" Eloise says, "Oh, I don't know Mary Jane, I be
too embarrassed".

So they walk on a bit farther and pretty soon Mary Jane says, "Eloise,
honey, I just can't stand this heat. We jess got's to take off our
panties so's we be cool"? And Eloise says, "Mary Jane , I juss can't,
I'd be too embarrassed". So, they continue for a few more blocks, when
suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an
enormous big fat woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no
panties on and eating a watermelon. She says, "Eloise, honey, look up
there on the poc'h of dat house. Jess look at dat. I'll bet she be
cool."

And Mary Jane says, "Less go axe her." So they shuffle up on to the
porch of the house and Eloise says, "Big Fat Mama, you sittin up here on
the poc'h of dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to you navel, no
panties on and eating dat watermelon..... tell us... is you cool"?

And the woman says, "Honey child... I don't no nuffin a bouts being
cool, but it sho do keeps the flies off my watermelon"!

 

[melody]

The 100 Rules Of Porn Movies
Part 3

51. Women always love
having their nipples bitten right away, while they're
still warming up.

52. No one ever gets sore or cramp.

53. Women love laying there and getting pounded in the same position for
hours at a time.

54. Especially when taking on three, four, or ten guys
in a row.

55. All women love facials. Really.

56. The man's dick never
accidentally slips out at the wrong moment.

57. Women "never want a man
as bad as this one."

58. A straight woman will go mad with ecstasy when
a lesbian eats her out.

59. Two or more high school girls left alone all
weekend in a big house will invariably engage in lesbian sex.

60. And when little sis complains about being left out, she is immediately
introduced to every sex act imaginable.

61. If you're a single male,
visiting married friends will involve your fucking the wife while the
husband fucks you because, you know, it just feels right.

62. All
attractive women are insatiably bisexual.

63. But all "bisexual" women
really want a man. That's why two women having sex with each other will
instantly drop everything and pay all their attention to the man who
just walked in on their scene.

64. All women have a secret longing to
fuck someone other than their husband, so that they can finally see what
a "real dick" feels like.

65. All married men are under-endowed, and
every wife cheats with a man whose dick is twice her husband's size.

66. Husbands never raise an eyebrow when their wives leave the house alone
at night dressed in sexy stockings and a garter belt, and head off to
the bar.

67. No man ever has any objections when his wife comes home
from that bar and tells him how a stranger just fucked her better than
she'd ever gotten it from her husband.

68. Instead of being mad, having
just learned that his wife cheated on him with another man, a husband
will get more turned on than he's ever been in his life and willingly
suck the strange man's cum out of his wife's pussy.

69. He will then
begin planning her next night out where he will be able to join her and
maybe even get to watch her fuck another strange man.

70. If the husband
decides to take part in the orgy involving his wife, he will not
actually participate in her adventures until after she's been drenched
in sperm by several men, eaten out by a wild lesbian, fucked silly by a
total stranger.

71. If a wife is "lucky enough" to have a husband who
encourages her to have sex with another man, it only shows her how much
he loves her.

72. Only men who are already married themselves sleep with
another man's wife (presumably because their own wife is already having
an affair with another man).

73. Bosses routinely have sex with their
married female employees, with no fear of sexual harassment charges
being filed.

74. Every woman desires sex with their boss.

75. After sex,
no woman ever tries for advancement by bribing her boss with the threat
of going to his wife with details from their sordid affair.

 

[melody]

Man Of The House

The husband had just finished the book "Man of the House". He stormed
into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to
know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a tasty dessert afterward. Then, after dinner and dessert,
you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished
with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director."