JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

How to catch a white elephant:

Go to any place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with raisins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bringing with you a muffin (without raisins). Drop the muffin (without raisins) as usual. When the white elephant finds out that the muffin (without raisins) lacks raisins, it will darken in anger. And then you catch it the same way you catch an ordinary grey elephant.

(Please note: NO ELEPHANTS WERE HARMED IN ANY WAY AT ALL IN MAKING THIS JOKE PAGE!)
 
Why are elephants large, grey, and wrinkled?
Because if they were small, white, and smooth they would be aspirins.

How do you kill a blue elephant?
Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a red elephant?
Strangle it till it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a green elephant?
Tell it a dirty joke until it blushes and turns red, then strangle it until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a yellow elephant?
What are you talking about? There are no yellow elephants!

How do you stop an elephant from passing through the eye of a needle?
Tie a knot in its tail.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
He was riding with the chicken.

Why did the elephant cross himself?
The chicken was a bad driver. After they crossed the road, the chicken and the elephant went to church.

Why did the elephant cross himself?
To get to the Other Side.
 
Q. What do 80 year old lesbians eat?
A. Depends. (with a shrug)

Q. How do you tell if you have a great sperm count?
A. Your wife has to chew before she swallows!!!

Q. What does it mean when a West Virginia baby drools out of both
sides of his mouth?
A. The trailer is level.

A West Virginia father decided that it was time to take his 16 year
old daughter to the clinic for birth control. Upon arriving, the
father told the doctor his wishes and after the doc finished checking
out the girl, he asked if she was sexually active.
"Well NO, " the father replied " she just lays there like her mother."
 
There once was a queen from Bulgaria
whose bush grew hairier and hairier
a prince from Peru came up for a screw
and had too hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
 
What should you do if you arrive home and find your wife in bed with
another man?
Make sure his guide dog hasn't shit on the bedroom floor!

What defines a truly sensitive, 21st century type of guy?
He doesn't make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her.

What does the blinking neon sign above Frank's 24-Hour Abortion Clinic
say?
"You Rape 'Em, We Scrape 'Em - No Fetus Can Beat Us!"

What do women and prawns have in common?
-There heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great

How are women like babies?
-When they both start to cry they're usually full of shit.

When are men at their smartest?
-It's during sex.... because they are plugged into a goddamn "know it
all".
 
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his
barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.

After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best
thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.

"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell
of a moustache!"
 
The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee."
 
Things I've Learned From The Movies

Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price
range of most people-whether they are employed or not.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You
will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications
system of any invading alien society.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one
by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out
their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom
will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on
nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their
captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread.

Once applied, makeup will never rub off-even while scuba diving.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent
will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.)

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will
know all the steps.

When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to
each other in English.
 
Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A: So when you pull on their tits they don't shit on you.

Q: What tastes good on pie but not on pussy?
A: Crust.

Q: What's the difference between a pedophile and a pediatrician?
A: The pedophile really loves children.

Q: What is the difference between a fag and a freezer.
A: The freezer don't fart when you take the meat out!

Q: What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A: Two faggots with hemorrhoids.

Q: What did Michael Jackson say when his cock slid in the little boys arse?
A: There is a great musician in you.
 
Newlywed Bride: "Will you love me when I'm old?"
Newlywed Groom: "Love you? I shall idolize you. I shall worship the ground that you walk on. I shall.... errrr....uhhhhh.....You're NOT going to look like your mother, are you?"
 
I think if I could ask God just one question, it would have to be:
"Just what were you thinking of when you came up with the idea for pubic hair?"

Q: How do you know when a chick is too fat to fuck?
A: When you pull her panties down to her knees, her stomach is
still in 'em!

Q: Why do women have small feet?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink !
 
A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school.
Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger
brother who is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little
fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little
brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers
that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and
"tomato" if she wants a new position.

"Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!!"
She screams. "Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant!"

Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop
making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over
my face!"
 
The Mexican, The Irisman And The Blonde

There were three guys working on the 50th floor of a
building. One was Mexican, one was Irish, and the other was a
blonde. Well one day they were sitting eating lunch, dangling
their feet doing nothing much.
The Mexican guy opens up his lunchbox and he takes out a
taco. He exclaims "My wife always packs me tacos for lunch!
taco's Taco's TACO'S!!! I am sick of tacos!!! Can't she pack me
something different?!?! If she gives me a taco one more time I
am going to jump off this building!!!"

The Irishman looks at him strangely, but doesn't say
anything. Expecting something yummy for lunch, there in his
lunch box is Creamed Corn and Hash. Overpowered by the
Mexican's words, he says "Every single day for the past 10 years
my wife has given me this every single day for lunch! I hate
Creamed Corn and Hash!!! I'm with you, Mexican, if I get one
more lunch of Creamed Corn and Hash, I will jump off this
building right with you!"

All the while the blonde is just sitting there eating his
sandwich. Feeling left out, he says "I get a sandwich every
single day too! I hate it too!! I am with you both! Tomorrow if
we all get the same lunch, we are jumping off this building!!"

The next day, they are all working patiently, just waiting
to see what they got for lunch. The day seemed to go on
forever, but finally lunch came. The Mexican guy opens up his
lunch. He finds a taco!! He gives a sigh and jumps off the
building.
The Irishman is very scared. He does not want to jump off,
but he has to. So he cautiously opens up his lunch. And what do
you know? He has creamed corn and hash! He says good-bye to the
blonde man and jumps off screaming.
The blonde, being lonely, opens up his lunch and he finds a
sandwich. He just shakes his head and jumps.

At the funeral, the wives of all three men are standing
around mourning together. The Mexican's wife says "If only I
didn't give him taco's everyday, he may have still been alive
today"
The Irishman's wife shakes her head in agreement, saying
"I take full responsibility in my husbands death"
They both look over at the blonde man's wife who is not
crying and ask her why she is not mourning. She replies "Don't
blame me, he made his own lunch!"
 
Little Known Sexual Facts

(**) Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any group of mammals that exist- especially fruit bats.

(**) Lions will have sex about 500 times with one mate. This is to
ensure fertilization.

(**) In Texas it is illegal to have sex with a fish, in Florida it is
illegal to get a fish drunk, and N. Carolina thought both laws were good
so there it is illegal to have sex with a drunk fish.

(**) Dolphins and humans are the only known animals that have sex for
pleasure.

(**) The bonobo monkeys use sex (and/or sexual favors) to placate
members of their social group instead of grooming. They are one of the
few species of animals (humans being another) that have sex out of
season and for fun.

(**) Sperm Whales are sexually mature at birth.

(**) In Argentina, it is rumored that eating cats is good for your
health and stimulates sexual potency.

(**) You can tell a turtle's sex by its sound. Males grunt, females
hiss.

(**) Human birth control pills work on gorillas.

(**) The eagle has sex while going up to 60 mph. in flight, and it is
common for both eagles to hit the ground before they finish.

(**) Apart from humans, certain species of chimpanzee are the only
animals to experiment sexually. They have been known to 'wife swap' and
indulge in group sex.

(**) According to Dr. David Gems, a British geneticist, sex-craved male
mice, who spend 5 to 11 hours per day pursuing female mice, could live
years longer if they abstained.

(**) In the past 60 years, the groundhog has only predicted the weather
correctly 28% of the time. The rushing back and forth from burrows is
believed to indicate sexual activity, not shadow seeking.

(**) A certain musical note can sexually excite cats -- the same note
when played for kittens makes them want to go to the bathroom.

(**) If disconnected, the sex organs (or gonads) of an armadillo are
still active.

(**) The ten-inch Banana Slugs of the Northwest end their 30 hour
hermaphroditic mating session by chewing off each other's male sex
organs.

(**) Mosquitoes perform a sex act that lasts only 2 seconds.

(**) The largest living animal, the blue whale, naturally enough also
has the largest penis, measuring approximately 10 feet long and 1 foot
in diameter. It's cousin, the sperm whale, gets as big as 9 feet. And
yes, the sperm whale is so named because early sailors thought those
gallons of white, gooey oil found in its head was indeed sperm.

(**) Long a symbol of sexual potency, the rhinoceros can ejaculate ten
times or more during his half hour session with a female. They also have
penises that are 2 feet long.

(**) Though barnacles can't move, they still mate via an extraordinarily
long penis (150% their body length) that reaches over and into the
female's mantle cavity.

(**) Female chimpanzees have been observed masturbating with their
fingers, twigs and a water faucet.

(**) A drone honeybee will wait his whole life for one chance to mate
with a queen. As soon as the queen opens her sting chamber to receive
him, he explodes, his genitals bursting forth like a detonating grenade.
Plugged, the queen flies away, leaving the drone to fall to the ground dead and eviscerated, albeit with a smile on his face.

(**) Fleas are known to engage in sex immediately after feasting on
rabbit's blood specifically if the opportunity presents itself.

(**) Gorilla penises are only a third of that of an average man's.

(**) Humans aren't the only female animals that can experience orgasm;
some rabbits and ferrets do as well.

(**) A whale's penis is called a dork, which incidentally, is where we
get the derogatory slang.

(**) Porpoises have been known to engage in group sex.

(**) Pigs do indeed have a corkscrew-shaped penis. When engaged in sex,
the male's penis will make semi-rotary actions until it becomes firmly
secured in the folds of the female's cervix at which point the male
ejaculates, a process which in itself takes as long as 30 minutes.

(**) Female baboons have been known to engage in a primitive form of
prostitution by stealing food during sex.

(**) The average mink sexual encounter lasts for several hours (how do
you think they get their coats so shiny?)

(**) 22.75 hours is the current record for the longest rattlesnake
mating session.

(**) The female bedbug is born without any external sex organs. So the
male bedbug has to drill his pointed penis to drill a hole into her
partner's gut and deposit his sperm into her bloodstream. During long
spells without access to human blood, the female's been known to dine on
her male partner's semen.

(**) Capuchin monkeys usually say hello by showing each other their
erections.

(**) Perhaps the originator of the "quickie," a baboon engages in a
typical sex session that lasts all of 15 seconds.
 
Awful Limericks

There was a young maid from Belfast
Who had trouble getting it past
The warts and the scabs
That she got from the lads
Who wiped their tools on her arse.
_____

Two dykes got to speaking one day
About their preferred form of play
One said "Isn't the hunt
For a nice juicy cunt
Far better than your average lay."
_____

A fair maid from Cairo called Nur
Was thought incredibly pure
Till we saw her great stunt
To ram up her cunt
A ton and a half of manure.
_____

A dwarf on vacation in Crete
Said "I am terribly anxious to meet
A young lady of leisure
Who'd allow me to pleasure
The hairs on her twat with my feet."
_____

A horny young lady named Lil
Fucked a dynamite stick for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
_____

"Mirror Mirror, On the wall,
Who's the sexiest of them all?"
The mirror sighed, and with a grunt
said "Well, it ain't you!, You ugly cunt !"
_____

There was a young man from Mauritius,
Who said 'That fuck was delicious'
But the next time I cum,
It will be up your bum,
Coz that scab on your cunt looks suspicious!!
_____

There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
but now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
_____

My dick is big, her arse is tight
I poked her anus with delight
but halfway there I hit a bump
the bitch forgot to take a dump
_____

There once was a man named Dave,
who kept a dead whore in a cave,
she had only one tit,
and smelled worse than shit,
but think of the money Dave saved.
_____

There once was a man from York
who picked his nose with a fork
when it got stuck
he cried "I don't give a fuck"
and walked around looking like a dork.
 
Don't believe in genie

A couple was golfing one day on a Very Exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball, do not knock out any windows. It will cost us a fortune to fix.”

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, “I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let’s go up there, apologize and see how much it’s going to cost us.”

They walked up and knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, “Come on in.”

When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, “Are you the people that broke the window?”

“Uh yeah, sorry about that” the husband replied.

“No, actually I want to thank you. I am a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You have released me. I am allowed to grant three wishes - I will give you each one wish, and I will keep the last one for myself.” the genie said.

“OK” the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem-it is the least I can do. And you, what do you want?” the genie said looking at the wife.

“I want a house in every country of the world” she said.

“Consider it done.” the genie said.

“And what is your wish, genie?” the husband said, “Well, since I have not had love with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looks at the wife and said, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I would not mind.”

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was all over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, “How old is your husband anyway?”

“35″ she said.

“Really? And he still believes in genies !!!!!!!!!
 
Q. What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison?
A. "I feel like a kid again."

Q. What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game?
A. Before the First Period.

Q. What's the best thing about fucking a two year old?
A. Your dick looks huge in the photographs!
 
A guy walks into a bar, and after a while the bartender starts griping. "You see this little figurine I whittled? I made it myself. But they don't call me 'Joe the wood carver.' And you see that big swordfish on the wall? Caught that one myself. But they don't call me 'Joe the fish catcher.' Hell, they don't even call me 'Joe the Bartender.' BUT YOU FUCK ONE KID . . ."
_____

What's the best part about fucking a six-year-old girl?
When you're done, you can turn her over and pretend you're fucking a six-year-old boy!
_____

A sex researcher is interviewing men about what they do with their other hand when they masturbate. Three subjects are in the room. He asks the first man, who replies: "I hold a porno mag."The second says: "I hold a computer mouse to browse porn on the net."The third says: "I hold a sponge."The researcher, startled, says: "why a sponge?""Well, I've got to use something to bathe the kids."
_____

One day the parents of an eleven-year-old boy and his ten-year-old sister leave them alone together in the house. The two kids begin talking about "it," and pretty soon they decide to try doing "it" with each other. After they're done, the boy says: "Wow, you're even better than Mom!"
"I know," says the girl, "that's what Dad says too."
_____

A young girl goes to her father and says: "Dad, can I go to the prom?" He leers at her and says: "Sure, but you have to suck my dick first."Well, the girl really wants to go to the prom, so reluctantly she pulls down his zipper and begins sucking. After a while, she looks up at him and says: "Dad, your dick tastes like shit!"
He says, "I know. Your brother wanted to go too!"
_____

A man goes into a pharmacy. He says to the druggist: "I need some birth control for my eleven-year-old daughter."
"Is your little girl sexually active?" asks the druggist.
"Nah, she just lays there like her mother."
_____

Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up.
She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that you're a pedophile and I should leave you!"
Says he: "Wow, you're pretty smart for an eleven year old."
_____
 
Many of us Old Folks (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40)
are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure
about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct
as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on
the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be
avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. In line skates and a walker

And last, but not least . . .
13. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop
 
Top 10 Reasons For Getting Out Of Sex

10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.
8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love
to Big Foot.
7. You're 20 bucks short.
6. We're out of gin again.
5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.
4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.
3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those porno's.
2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker.
1. Your gynecologist just called. You still have crabs, and you know
I don't like seafood.
 

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