JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice
about enlarging her breasts. He tells her, "Every day when
you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and
say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

She did this every day faithfully and after several
months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus
when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At
this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose
them, so right in the middle of the bus--"Scooby dooby
doobies. I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by
any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock."

 

[melody]

Getting To Heaven

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class
to see if they understood the concept of getting to
heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car,
had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the
church, would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,
and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me
into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy
to all the children, and loved my husband, would that
get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they
all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I
continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING
DEAD!"

 

[melody]

A lady and her husband have been arguing back and forth for some time.
She makes an appointment to see her doctor and tells him, "My husband
has been complaining that my pussy has an odor, but I bent over and
took a whiff, and I don't smell anything."

The doctor examines her, and then says, "Ma'am, you need an operation."

She says, "On my pussy?"

He says, "No, on your NOSE!"

 

[melody]

John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I
have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their
mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

 

[melody]

Two Couples

Two couples are having their wedding reception in the same hotel, and
the two grooms, Paul and Uncle Seymore, are having a few
beers together at the bar.

"I bet I make love to my wife tonight more times than you make
love to yours" says Paul.

"Never. I'll bet $50 my wife wakes up more satisfied than yours"
says Uncle Seymore.

"Right, you're on. But how will we tell which one of us has
won?" says Paul.

"Easy. When we come down for breakfast tomorrow, just order
the same number of slices of toast as number of times you
made love," says Uncle Seymore.

The following morning both couples are at breakfast, and both grooms are
smiling as the waiter comes to take the order. Paul leans over ...
"I'll have a full English breakfast, and SIX slices of toast" he smiles,
winking at Uncle Seymore.

Uncle Seymore leans over, and says in a loud voice - "I'll also have a full
English breakfast and SEVEN slices of toast -- and make 2 of them brown!"

 

[melody]

Ginger from County of Dade
Said, "I think it's time I got laid."
"My vibrator can tingle"
"But it's not cunnilingual"
"And that's how orgasms are made."

 

[melody]

On far too many dates, the young ladies complain that a
quickie is "no sooner spread than done."
***

We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid ...
until she closed her curtains.
***

Things were getting pretty hot in the back of my car
when she screamed out ... "Kiss Me Where it Smells!!"
So I drove her to New Jersey!
***

Men don't have a beer belly ... they have a tombstone for a dead penis!

 

[melody]

A woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt all
over."
The doctor says, "That's impossible!"
She explains, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my
leg,
ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my
chest, ouch, it hurts."
The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blonde,
aren't
you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

 

[melody]

Blonde Moments!

You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra
Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient.
"In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."
"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," gets out the blonde between sobs. "I have
no chance at all...he's a married man!"

 

[melody]

A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers that his wife
had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to
get any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"
And he replied: "Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of the
wrist."

 

[melody]

Ladies, What Kind Of Dick Are You Getting?
(This Is Looong But Hilarious)

MISERABLE DICK - When the guy is extremely handsome. He says the right
things and does the right things. When it comes to sex, he is lacking in
this department. He sucks your tits too hard, kisses your mouth too
long, stays around your neck forever, fingers you like a GYN Doctor,
licks your pussy like he's in a track meet and has a very small dick.
You try to give him some head, only to find that you are actually
sucking a pacifier. This is so miserable. You think, "how can a guy so
fine, so polite be so weak" To top everything off ladies, how about just
when in your mind you're going to try to get the best out of this, even
if you have to make yourself cum, and he beats you to the punch.

DAMN TOLERABLE DICK - This is funny dick. He eats major pussy. He eats
it so good, your knees feel a little weak. It was good enough to make
you shed a tear. Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that
you cannot really feel it!! His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic.
You work with it by riding on it as if you were in a Wild Wild West
Movie. You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last
big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick. It's funny
because in the man's mind he'll say, that we just have big pussies from
having too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him. Only for them to
forget that the pussy is a muscle that accommodates the size of the
penis.

INTERNET DICK - Well, how would we define this type of dick? You see,
online they talk a damn good game, but you never know what to expect in
person. Then you meet and you fuck and the dick is trash. They talk the
bottom out of it, but HE COULD NOT MAKE YOU CUM!!!

OVERWHELMED DICK - I believe this dick ladies we all can testify to.
Whoa! This is the type of dick you misjudged. You saw some signs of
weakness in this man. He always caters to you and really does not
discuss what he can do in bed with you. When kissing him, you notice you
make his knees weak. You hold out on giving him some and tease him. You
know what size dick he has because you have either: (a) Already gave him
some mean ass head, or (b) Stroked it while he was wearing pants or
boxers. So, you thought in your mind, "I am going to whip him." Only to
find he laid the "SMACK DOWN" on your pussy. He had you in a figure
eight. You were so overwhelmed that you could not even speak. Your whole
pre-calculated fuck was down the drain. He had more game than you. He
was like an energizer bunny that keep going and going and you kept
cumming and cumming. Now you look at him in a different light.

PUNISHABLE DICK - This is the dick that pisses me off the most. You see,
the guy you're sleeping with punishes your pussy. If he has a bad day at
work he "punishes your pussy". If he has a bad meal, "he punishes your
pussy". If he is pissed off at you, he punishes your pussy." No matter
what, he "punishes your pussy". It is easy to tell if the guy you're
with falls into this category. He always uses phrases like these when he
is fucking you: "DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?"
"TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?", "WHO'S PUSSY IS THIS?",
"I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' SHIT NOW", "YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS
PUSSY DON'T YA?".

GUILTY DICK - The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man.
Ladies who have cheated on their man temporarily can say, "AMEN" to this
type of dick. Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and
confess to your man you fucked someone else. The guilty dick made you
want to tell somebody. Guilty dick is in a class of its own. Guilty dick
will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home.
Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms. Makes you cry and you have
no clue to why. This dick is so intense, when it is being administered
it sends you into a trance. He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you,
asks you if your comfortable about six times, you started at 6PM and it
is now going on 9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet. The lips on
your pussy are so swollen that if you got outta bed they would be
draggin' the ground. It hurt so good. He licks on your pussy as if he
was a baby cat licking warm milk, he savors it like you're the main
course meal. He smells it like fine wine. By now you're in shock and
forget about your man. He has at least two inches more than your man.
When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform
like guilty dick. You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct
him to do what guilty dick did to you.

PLEASURABLE DICK - This is good . Easy dick. Dick you can call
when your body needs a fix. He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK,
and fucks you like GUILTY DICK. Only thing is, you do not have a man so
you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this dick is ready. His
dick craves your pussy. This dick is available in any place at anytime.

GOTDAMN DICK - Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you to
hell if you're not married to it. This dick is just like PLEASURABLE and
GUILTY DICK. His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has the
circumference of a half dollar. This dick makes you numb, cry and pray
all at the same time. While he is getting it doggy style, you look
towards the heavens and say, "GOTDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".

CAP'N DICK - This is the gold mine dick. This dick is the dick that you
commit yourself too. You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept
secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it. When you get
this dick, you go through convulsions. This is the dick that makes you
EVERREADY. You call in sick from work for it. This dick is so major it
is OVERWHELMED DICK, PLEASURABLE DICK, GUILTY DICK and GOTDAMN DICK all
in one. This is the dick that you want to put insurance on, just in case
anything should happen to it. This dick makes you stutter while speaking
and has you nervous for no reason. You lay back afterwards thinking
"THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA, GOTTA TELLS SOMEBODY, ANYBODY
DICK"

Now ladies, which one would/do you have?!!!

 

[melody]

http://img407.imageshack.us/img407/4969/fashionslipfp8.gif

 

[melody]

Each time I see your face I fantasize
About taking your clothes off with my hands
Then using them to make your manhood rise
And kneeling down to kiss it as it stands
I want your arms around my naked frame
Holding me tight your tongue wrestling with mine
And have you take me without any shame
Into your bed and have our limbs entwine
I want to have you making love to me
Over and over till the morning light
I want to set your passions wild and free
And have your hips meet mine with all our might
I want you so that I can barely sleep
I want you in me hard and thrusting deep

 

[melody]

I'm a woman.
We don't say what we want,
but we reserve the right to be
pissed off if we don't get it.
That's what makes us so fascinating
if not just a little bit scary.

 

[melody]

~ Necrophilia ~

An erotic attraction to corpses.
Also know as Necrocoitus (penetration of corpse) and Necrochlesis (sex with corpse).
Closely related to Mysophilia (ingestion of body fluids of corpses, particularly urine),
Necrosadism (sadistic acts on a corpse such as biting, dismembering,
cutting, for sexual arousal) and Pseudonecrophilia
(sex play where one partner pretends to be dead).

 

[melody]

A couple had been married for thirty years.
On their anniversary they decided to
go back to the same hotel where they
had spent their blissful wedding night.

The husband was lying on the bed when
the wife came out of the bathroom
totally nude, just as she had done
thirty years ago. Standing seductively
before him, she asked, "Tell me, darling,
what were you thinking thirty years ago
when I came out of the bathroom like this?"

"I took one look at you and thought I'd
like to fuck your brains out and
suck your boobs dry!"

"And what are you thinking now, baby?"
she asked huskily.

"I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it."

 

[melody]

Sexual Trivia: Bizarre Sex Laws

In West Virginia, it's perfectly legal for a male to have sex with an
animal as long as the animal doesn't exceed 40 pounds.

In Louisiana, a prostitute can get up to five years giving oral sex (a
'crime against nature') for money, but will only get a maximum of six
months if it's actual intercourse.

Apparently fining those guilty of premarital sex and gay sex just wasn't
having the desired effect for Malaysian authorities. It was just
announced that now, instead of fines, religious leaders will start
caning those who engage in such anti-Islamic practices.

If you're a transvestite, stay away from Saudi Arabia. Not only is it
very much illegal there, but those found guilty are usually sentenced to
five years in prison and receive 2,000 to 2,600 lashes (and that's not
with a wet noodle).

In Singapore, it's illegal to walk around in your house naked as it's
considered pornography, which is also illegal. Just for the record, oral
sex is also against the law unless it's used as a form of foreplay.

 

[melody]

The Proctologist

A gay guy falls in love with a proctologist. He goes to the
proctologist's office and says he has an obstruction. So the
proctologist sticks his hand up the guy's ass but can't find anything.
However, he notices that the man has an erection, so the proctologist
cuts short the examination and orders the gay guy out of his office.
The next day, the gay guy calls the proctologist and claims he has
another obstruction. The proctologist doesn't believe him but the guy
claims he is in great pain, so the doctor relents.

When the guy arrives, the doctor sticks his hand up the guy's ass again
but this time he finds something. "Good God!!!", the doctor exclaims,
"No wonder you're in pain-there are two dozen roses shoved up your
ass!". The gay guy turns around excitedly and says,
"Read the card! Read the Card!!"

 

[melody]

Learn Chinese in 2 minutes ...

(Please read definitions aloud for optimal memory retention)

1) That's not right ...................... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive....... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP........................ ..Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ............................ Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse ....................... .... Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?........... Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table.......Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift........ Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here ............. Wao So Dim

10)I thought you were on a diet....Wai Yu Mun Ching

 

[melody]

Farmer Johnson is whipping and slapping his sheep when
around the corner comes the local minister.

The minister gently says, "My goodness, Farmer Johnson, you're
certainly giving that sheep quite a beating. You wouldn't
do that to your wife, would you now?"

The farmer disgustedly retorts, "I would if she farted and
jumped sideways every time I tried to fuck her!"