JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Ode To Big Boobs

I love to suck a great big tit
Inch by inch, bit by bit

I love to see her big breasts bare
They make my cum fly through the air!!

Oh goodness gracious! what big boobs!
They make my cum spurt out in goobs

Their great to lick and suck, not to mention titty-fuck!!

They say that having such big boobs
Are really just a waste
But it takes more than just a mouthful
To get the greatest taste!!

 

[melody]

Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded.

Q: What's the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.

What do you call a gay Irishman?
A gay-lick

Q: What are the bumps for around a woman's nipples?
A: It's Braille for "Suck here"!

Q: What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A: A pussy is soft , warm and delightful and it's owned by a cunt.

Q: What's the difference between a 69 and being mugged?
A: With a 69 at least you see the cunt creeping up on you.

Q: What's green and melts in your mouth.
A: A leper's cock!

 

[melody]

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,
"Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"
The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."

 

[melody]

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head,
As soon as he came she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been fucking her sheep.

 

[melody]

A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says "I must say, this is the cleanest pussy I've seen in ages."

"Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in 4 times a week."

 

[melody]

Husband wakes at 5 in the morning feeling realy horny, He nudges his wife and says,"honey give me a blow job." His wife says, "sweetheart im tired, just have a wank in a glass and ill drink it in the morning."

 

[melody]

There once was a girl from Shrilanka
Whose cunt was as big as a tanker
You could go for a swim
In the depths of her quim
And you needed a lamppost to wank her

 

[melody]

Sweet Looking Wee-Wee!

Tom's dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin.
He'd been going with Jane for a few months, when he decided to test her.
As they drove along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to her and said,

"Do you want to see my wee-wee?" She yelled, "No! No! Please zip up your fly!" Instead of being annoyed, Tom was happy. On the eve of their engagement to be married, he tried the same thing, with the same result.

Finally, on their wedding night, they were alone in the hotel room when he unzipped his fly again and said to her,
"Honey, now that we're married you can now look at what I've got here," and proceeded to take out his dick.
She looked at it and said,
"Oh, what a sweet looking wee-wee!"
Tom said, "No darling--you don't have to call it a wee-wee anymore; you can call it a cock."
She looked at it a while and then said, "No, Tom, what you have 'is' a wee-wee." A 'cock' is long, thick, and black!"

 

[melody]

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an
unbelievably long penis.

He called in his receptionist to show her.

She took one look and said, "It's just like my husband's penis."

"Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.

"No," she replied. "That dead."

 

[melody]

Q. Did you hear about the new Greek tampon?
A. It's called "Abzorba the Leak."

 

[melody]

The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful
that people think you married her only for her beauty.

And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy
that people think you married her only for her money.

And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle
that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot
garden hose.

 

[melody]

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:__________________ Stage name:____________________

Agent:_________________ Attorney:______________________

Therapist name:_________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male
___formerly female ____both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to
safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone,
please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ]
Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)

[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your
convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading

Please indicate how many times you expect to:

a) shoot at other drivers _____
b) be shot at while driving _____

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should
immediately:

a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch
your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against
cellular phone company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should :

a) stop your car.
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved
ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for
Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:

a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week:
______.

Are you presently taking any of the following
medications?

a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:

a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:________________.

When stopped by police, you should:

a) pull over and have your driver's license and
insurance form ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the
405 Freeway.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to
attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:

a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?

a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn

Automatic door locks are good for:

a) security
b) convenience
c) messing with the heads of people trying to get in

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:

a) dark, poorly lit roads
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) revenge!

Your rear view mirror is for:

a) watching for approaching cars
b) watching for approaching police cars
c) checking your hair

 

[melody]

Kids on love

Questions concerning love and wisdom were posed to a group of children (ages 5 to 10). Their responses were amazingly astute and very enlightening, thus proving that all we need to know, we probably learned in kindergarten.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Eighty-four. Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other." (Judy, 8)

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tommy, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own cam, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE:

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long to learn." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE AND ROMANCE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off, because they paid good money for them." (David, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE ?

"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, "I LOVE YOU":

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him, but I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You learn it right on the spot, when the 'gooshy' feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger,8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)

 

[melody]

Abe went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with
big boobs and a small box."

"Why?" she asked him.

"Never mind!" replied Abe. "I`m paying for it. I want a girl
with big tits and a small cooze!"

"No problem," said the madam. "Go straight up the stairs to
room 23."

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young
woman walked in.

"Okay," she said, "are you the guy with the big mouth and the
small pecker?"

 

[melody]

Two young girls were talking about their active sex lives when the first girl said, "Oh my god!, it was really great, but I was so scared after his rubber broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."

"What happened then?" said her intrigued friend.
She answered,"I was so worried I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the last little piece of it out with dental floss."

 

[melody]

Syndrome

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.......... but you're wrong."
So they asked him:
"Well, what do you have?"
And the old man said: "I thought It was a fart........... but I was wrong."

 

[melody]

20 Reasons Why A Quickie Beats Marathon Sex

1. No repetitive-stress injuries.

2. Knocks out insomnia faster than two tabs of Tylenol PM
and a Bud tallboy.

3. Two words: less sweat.

4. On deadline? No problem!

5. Saves on batteries.

6. No guilt associated with saying, "I think it's time for you
to go home now."

7. Two more words: stress reduction.

8. Makes for an interesting elevator ride.

9. Won't ruin your lipstick.

10. Great way to kill time while stuck in traffic on the way to the
beach (if you don't mind rubberneckers).

11. Sometimes you just don't want your toes sucked.

12. You don't have to worry about remembering your partner's name.

13. Performance anxiety? What's that?

14. It's something to do while talking to your parents on the phone.

15. Doesn't give you enough time to notice he or she smells bad.

16. You don't have to suffer the embarrassment of having an orgasm
in front of someone you hardly know.

17. You can have your after-sex cig in the cab. That is, after having
sex in the cab.

18. A line doesn't form outside the bathroom at the party.

19. Dinner doesn't get cold.

20. Pillow talk? What's that!

 

[melody]

One night, a little blind boy's mother said to him, "Anthony, if you
pray really, REALLY hard tonight, when the sun rises tomorrow,
you will be able to see!"

Needless to say, Anthony spends hours in fervent prayer that night.

When morning came, Anthony discovered that he is still blind.
He starts to cry and his mom rushed into his room. She gasps,
"Anthony, what's wrong, honey?"

Anthony wails, "Mommy, I prayed so hard, but I'm still blind!"

His Mom gently pats him on the head.

"I know, honey. April Fools!"

 

[melody]

April 1
I tell ya, I'm in bad shape. I joined a weight-lifting class. They started me with balloons. Very bad shape. I hurt myself playing scrabble.

April 2
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

April 3
When I was a kid I was poor. I never went to Disneyland. My old man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.

April 4
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my old man, "I'm sick and tired of running around in circles." He got mad. He nailed down my other foot.

April 5
I tell ya, things never go right. I bought a book, "A Hundred Ways to Make Love." I ended up in traction. It was a misprint.

April 6
Now with hookers I don't go for big money, I give 'em twenty dollars. That's all. I make my own deal with them. I give 'em twenty dollars in dimes. And I got to be finished by the time they count it.

April 7
Oh, she's a wild girl. Her idea of safe sex is making sure the car doors are locked.

April 8
I'm a bad drinker. I got loaded one night the next day they picked me up. I was in front of a judge. He said, "You're here for drinking." I said, "O.K., Your Honor, let's get started."

April 9
I tell ya she was old. When she was born the dead sea wasn't even sick.

April 10
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

April 11
Doctors say when you have sex you lose 150 calories. I had sex once. I lost even more: 150 calories, my watch and my wallet.

April 12
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

April 13
I don't get no respect. My bank told me they'll give me a free gift if I close my account.

April 14
Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."

April 15
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

April 16
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

April 17
I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

April 18
I don't get no respect at all from my dog. Well, he keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

April 19
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

April 20
I tell ya my television set is all screwed up, all screwed up completely. The other night I was watching a fight. And a hockey game broke out.

April 21
I tell ya, life is tough. For years I was getting a ringing in my ears. It's getting worse. Now I'm getting busy signals.

April 22
I tell ya, I get no respect at all. I was drowning. I was yelling, "Help, help!" The lifeguard came over. He said, "All right, buddy, keep it down, keep it down."

April 23
I found a new way to handle birth control. My wife takes off her makeup.

April 24
With my wife I don't get no respect at all. I told her when I die I want to be cremated. She's planning a barbeque.

April 25
I don't get no respect, are you kiddin'? The time I got hurt. On the way to the hospital, the ambulance stopped for gas.

April 26
I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Money just disappears. Right now I'm supporting two fighters, my wife and her mother.

April 27
I tell ya, I got no sex life. When my dog watches me in the bedroom, he wants to learn how to beg. He taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

April 28
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

April 29
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

April 30
I tell ya, my dog is dumb. It took me three years, I taught him how to sit. He forgot how to stand. I mean dumb. He walks backwards and wags his head.

April 31
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

 

[melody]

Male And Female Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were tough, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them.

While at the fair he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
Now, the farmers lived sixty miles away from one another, so they agreed to drive thirty miles each and meet at a field in which to mate their pigs.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5AM, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they're pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, then they're not."

The next morning they were in the mud, so he hosed them off, called the other farmer, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.
The following morning, in the mud again! And the next morning, MUD again!

This continued all week until the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife,
"Honey, please go outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field grazing."
The wife walked outside to see and then came back and said,
"Neither, they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."