An attractive lady is waiting in the emergency room. A doctor
walks in to her room and asks her "What is the problem ma'am?"
The lady replies,"Doctor, I have been having trouble with my
asshole, it hurts really bad."
The doctor tells the woman, "Why don't you lay on your stomach
so I can take a look at it, OK?" So, the woman turns over and
the doctor begins to examine her rear end. After a while, the
doctor asks the young lady, "Ma'am, have you had anal sex lately?"
The lady replies, "No, why?"
The doctor then says, "Would you like to?"
*************
One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in a blonde's house.
She picked up the phone and a man asked, "Is this
555-1111?"
"No, this is 555-1112." She replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The man said.
"That's alright," she said, "I had to get up to answer the phone
anyway."
Bump: "After 10 years of marriage sex with my wife is down to three times a year."
"Same here pal. " "As a matter of fact, if mine wouldn't sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."
*********
Q. Why does a dog lick his ass?
A. Because he knows that in five minutes, he'll be
licking your face.
*********
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next
day I stopped eating red meat..
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped
reading.
Bump: I was talking with a friend the other day about shit. He's as screwed up as I am, so we have conversations about all kinds of strange things. He was telling the story about having to hold his shit for over 24 hours. He was traveling and for various reasons, he never got a chance to go during this time.
When he finally arrived at a hotel, he was prairie dogging it pretty bad. If you're not familiar with this (because no one talks about shit), it's when the head of a turd starts to peek out of your ass and you squeeze it back in. Anyway, when he finally dumped this compacted, massive log, it lay straight and rigid in the bowl. No bends, curves or sags, just a massive turd from the bottom of the bowl almost up to the rim.
Realizing it would never flush away, he got a wire coat hanger and started poking at it, hoping to break the log into smaller, flushable pieces. No go, all it did was poke lots of little holes in this beast. He briefly tried sawing it with the curved end of the coat hanger, but all this did was push the turd around the bowl in circles.
The next step was to cover his shoe in a plastic bag and step on the thing until it broke apart. This actually worked pretty well so he broke the log into three smaller pieces. Unfortunately, the pieces all merged together at the bottom of the bowl so when flushed, the toilet just filled up with water without any of the mini logs going down the hole. At this point he decided, screw it, let housekeeping deal with it.
As the laughter subsided and I looked around, I realized everyone within earshot had stopped eating (we were in the cafeteria at work) and was looking at us with looks of pure disgust. Granted it's not the most pleasant thing to think about while eating, but it was just talk. It wasn't like anyone could actually see or smell shit. That's when it hit me, we're afraid to talk about shit.
We're not afraid to talk about eating. There are millions of restaurants, cooking shows on TV, places to exchange recipes, advertisements - all about the eating part. Why isn't the other end of the tube celebrated as well? Why are there no full service shitatoriums in the mall, no 50's retro shitters, no elegant designer poopie ads on TV? How about a TV reality series on the latest way to wipe your ass? You could see a new method every week, just like the latest dance crazes. People could wipe together and critique each other while learning the new wiping techniques. Or how about double wide toilets? There are hot tubs for two, why not share a shit with someone you love? Maybe even an eight holer so all your friends can share a shit too. You could even have contests with prizes for the biggest, the nicest color, most artful design.
Personally I love taking a good shit. I don't mean that I want to eat it, or smear myself with it or even finger paint shit art. But when it comes out smoothly in one long piece, hits the water without splashing and one single wipe reveals clean paper, you just know it's going to be a good day.
And for those less-than-perfect shits, why are there no support groups? You know when the shit explodes out of your hole in a blast of brown, watery muck and undigested corn, then hits the water so hard that raw sewage splashes all over your ass. Or when your finger goes through the paper leaving shit impacted under your fingernail. How about when pieces of undigested peanuts score little trails all the way out. Or when you have to push so hard to get it out that when you're done, you have to poke hemorrhoids back into your ass. There's no one to call when this happens. Maybe the government should start a program to help comfort people having bad shit days.
Anyway, that's my thoughts about shit.
