JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Answers Men Would Like To Give To Women's Stupid Questions, But Never Will

1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking
ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of
speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

@@@

Why are chickens so ugly?
You would be too if you had a pecker hanging out of your forehead!

What is similarity between an audio cassette and a girl?
You can use them on either side.

Confucius Says....
man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Italians hate ALL witnesses.

Why do Italians wear gold chains?
So they know where to stop shaving.
--------
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed
because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.
'I am so ashamed, Doctor, she said. I guess I let myself go.

The physician was checking her eyes and ears. Don't feel ashamed, Miss.
You don't look that bad.

Do you really think so, Doctor? she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said,
Of course.... Now just open your mouth and say moo.

Barbara Walters

While touring an Indian reservation filming a documentary, Barbara
Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers
in the headdresses.

So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress and his
reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather." Feeling the
first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had
two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women. Two
women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated number of sexual partners
involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, needless to say
amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many
feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said "Me Chief, me sleep with em
all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung." The Chief said:
"You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile." The Chief
replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me sleep with
em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."


What did one saggy breast say to the other saggy breast?
"We'd better get some support or people will think we're nuts!"

00000=====

In my study of Human Nature there is only one universal truth that
I have found - Gay or straight, they all want blow-jobs.

00000=====

A young couple is on their honeymoon. After start having
great sex, he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where the heck do
YOU think you're going?"

"Nowhere, sweetheart," he says. "Turn over."

 

[melody]

What's the definition of gross?
When you open your refrigerator and your rump-roast farts at you.
***
Two vomits are walking down the street when one of them starts to cry.
"What's wrong with you?" asked the first vomit.
"Ohhhh," said the second vomit, "This is the area I was brought up in!"
***
This guy was on a hot date, and after well and truly fucking this sweet thing, she turned to the guy and said, "Wasn't it a bit presumptuous to think that I would let you fuck me on the first date?"
To which the bloke responded, "Presumptuous? Now that's a big word for a 7 year old!"
***
A guy pulls up in his car next to a very young boy and opens the window. "If I give you a sweetie will you come in my car?"
To which the little boy answers "If you give me the whole bag I will come in your face!"
***
Mummy, Mummy, when will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up son, you know that your grandma's cured from her yeast infection!
***
She said, "Give me eight inches and make me bleed!" So I fucked her four times with my 2 inch dick and punched her on the nose! Later she said, "Give me eight inches and make me moan!" So I fucked her four more times with my 2 inch dick and kicked her in the stomach! Later she said, "Give me eight inches and make my head explode!" So I fucked her four more times with my 2 inch dick and blew her fucking head off with a shotgun!
She didn't ask me for sex after that, but it's a lot better now!
***
Things you should do if you accidentally run over and kill your neighbors cat:

A) Wedge the cat under your neighbors car wheel so they think they did it.
B) Paint a hexagram on their front lawn and put the cat in the middle, so that they think some crazy Satanists did it.
C) Throw the cat into your other neighbor's yard.
D) Put the cat in a tree. Call the fire brigade and let them try to explain it!
E) Drive over the rest of the cats in the neighborhood and say you're on a "Mission from God!"

If Men Wrote The Dear Abby Column...

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing...your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm and then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
**********
A fraternity brother confronted a junior member, telling him, "A
sorority girl is running around campus telling people you have a
small dick." "Yeah?" the junior member replied. "Well, she has a big

 

[melody]

The Confessional

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a
wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren,
and great grandchildren. Last month, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times. Now they tell me that they are
both pregnant."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins? "

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

~~~~~~~~~~

Mary comes home from her date with Tom and is on cloud nine. She
happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room jumps
into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mom comes in
and
wakes Mary up and says, " How was your date last night?"

"It was alright, I guess."

"It must have been a lot better than that," says mom, " Your panties
are still stuck to the ceiling."
~~~~~~~~~~
FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

 

[melody]

A Traveling Salesman

A traveling salesman was caught at a farmer's house during a snow storm.
The only place for the salesman to sleep was in a station wagon in the
garage. Just as the salesman was about to go to sleep, Nellie, one of
the farmer's daughters joined him for a memorable session of adult
games. So satisfied was Nellie that she departed the salesman and told
her sister, Venus about the salesman.
Venus then paid a visit to his passion wagon. The
result was a very short night of rest for the salesman. The snow storm
had subsided during the night and in the early hours of the morning, he
departed the farmer's house. He left without saying good-bye to avoid an
unpleasant situation should the farmer find out he had slept with both
of his daughters.
Three months later the salesman received a letter from the farmer. It
said:

Dear Sir,
Are you the one that did the pushing,
leave the spots upon the cushions
and leave your footprints
on the dashboard upside down?
Ever since you had my Nellie
she has a swelling in her belly.
Don't you think you ought to send
some money just right now?
The salesman wrote back to the farmer:

Yes Sir,
I'm the one that did the pushing,
I left the spots upon the cushions
and left my footprints
on the dashboard upside down.
But ever since I had your Venus,
I've had a swelling in my penis
and I think we're fifty-fifty
just right now!
-----------

A man went to church and saw his best friend crying there. "What
happened? What could be so bad?"

"My mother died yesterday," he sobbed.

"Oh my God! Not Mrs. C. How did that happen?"

"Well, it was hot yesterday, so we all had our beds on the balcony and
we were sleeping. My mother rolled over and fell off."

"Oh God, so that's how she died?"

"No. She fell to the third floor balcony, held on to the railing. That
broke and so she fell."

"So, that's how she died?"

"No. She fell to the second floor balcony, held on to the railing.
That broke and so she fell."

"So, that's how she died?"

"Uh, no, not exactly... She fell to the first floor balcony. We all
decided that she's destroying the house, so we shot her."

 

[melody]

An Excuse

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary,
so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became
obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her
apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip
home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to
tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to
greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet,
pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one
hand, he said, Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!
Hell, she answered, ripping open her blouse.
Look what he did to my tits!

=========

Phones
Q. What do you get when you cross a telephone with a pair of pants?
A. Bell-bottoms!
Q. How is a telephone like a dirty bathtub?
A. They both have rings!
Q. What happened to the little frog who sat on the telephone?
A. He grew up to be a bellhop!
Q. What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron?
A. A smooth operator!
Q. What do you call a large person who constantly calls up people, pretending to be somebody else?
A. A big phone-y!
Q. Why didn't the skeleton need a telephone?
A. He had no body to talk with!
Q. How does a cheerleader answer the phone?
A. H-E-L-L-O!
Q. What do you get if you cross a phone with a pair of glasses?
A. A television.
Q. What is the cheapest time to call your friends long distance?
A. When they're not home!
Q. How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls?
A. Collect!
Q. What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration?
A. A party line!
Q. How does a barber make phone calls?
A. He cuts them short.
Q. Why didn't the mummy want a telephone?
A. He always got too wrapped up in his calls!

 

[melody]

A Pussy And A Bitch

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy,
and their bitch.
The boy confused by this goes to his mother.
"Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest
dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says
"Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?"
The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a
dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father
watching television.
The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?"
The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly
whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a
marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says
"Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are
talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

======
I woke up early one morning.

The earth lay cool and still.

When suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely so carefree and so gay that
slowly all my troubles began to slip away.

He sang of far off places of happines and fun It seemed
his very trilling
brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers crept slowly out of bed then
gently shut the
window and crushed his fucking head. I'm not a morning person!
======
A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in
New York and they pass two squirrels having sex.
The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy,
what are they doing?" The lady responded,
"They're making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs
having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing.
His mother again replied they were making a sandwich.
A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and
father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a
sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"

 

[melody]

Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10 Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - Not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says, "I love you," like sex.
yyyyy
Q: What do a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have little Black Boxes.
Q: Why don't blondes water ski?
A: Because they lie down as soon as their crotches get wet.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: If you slap a mosquito, it'll stop sucking.
Q: What do you call a bleached blonde standing on her head?
A: A brunette with bad breath!
Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
A: Because they go and answer the fucking door.

 

[melody]

Dear Mom And Dad

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and
2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned
because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when
it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.
He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat.
We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the
lightning.

Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the
fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put
gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did.
Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until
his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left.
Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something
to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and
if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders.

It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.
He lets us take turns riding in the trailer until the
highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads
where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and
swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me
because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because
of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.

It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water
from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.
He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot
of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a
tourniquet works.

Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was
just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick
that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and
became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get
things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedophile?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters
and buy Vaseline. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole

 

[melody]

Condom Size

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller.
Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job.
Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it.
She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is beginning
to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole
Awarded to____________________________________In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind. To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts your status.
JUST BE YOURSELF......!!!!!
Effective as of this_____day of_________________2011
Per:____________________________
Authorized Signature

 

[melody]

Diary in a Health Club

If you read this without laughing out loud,
there is something wrong with you. This is
dedicated to every woman who ever attempted
to get into regular workout routine.


Dear Diary..
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my
husband (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club
for me. Although I am still in great shape
since playing on my high school softball team,
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations
with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who
identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and
swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started.

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

Monday:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of
bed, but found it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Bruce
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God
- with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
He took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him
in his Lycra aerobic outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he
conducted his aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as
I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my
back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then
he put weights on it! My legs were a little
wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.

Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying
on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my
mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long
as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on
top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. His voice
is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got
on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete
by elevators?

Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Thursday:
Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like
teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled
back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late, it took me that long to tie
my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells.
When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment,
put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

Friday:
I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history
of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could
move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the < @*%23$>&*@*#$
barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the
sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum
laude from.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

Saturday:
Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show
up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash
the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather
Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
over. I will also pray that next year my husband
(the A**HOLE) will choose a gift for me that is fun
--like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

 

[melody]

Political Correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ....


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

 

[melody]

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?

People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year.

This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass

I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week

Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid

The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit

So heres my story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!

@@@

Redneck's Valentine's Day Poem
that'll touch your heart-

Roses are red,
or are they blue?
Hell I don't know
but i do like you.

I love you more
than my truck's tires.
Yer more useful than my
old rusty pliers.

You cook a good deer
and fry a good egg,
just wish you'd shave that
hair off your legs.

If you decide not to do it, Pumkin Face,
It's okay, I'll still feel the same,
I'll just keep on tellin my buddies,
yer up fer a part in Planet of the Apes.

Yer my pride and joys,
What a lady!
But hows come we do it
only when it's my payday?

When I ran over ya with my truck,
you didn't even say "ouch."
And you are so cute,
when you wipe your boogers under the couch.

I hope we stay together,
at least a couple more days-
cuz i'm really horney
and I want to get laid.

Happy VD!!!!!

@@@

Roses are stupid,
Violets are silly.
Bend over Babe,
'Cause here comes my willy!
***
roses are red, pickles are green
I love your legs and whats between
I like your style I like your class
but most of all I like your ass

@@@

A guy gives his girlfriend a huge box of the finest
candy for Valentines day.

She looks at him and says "You shouldn't have".

He replies, "I know, but I figure what's one more
box of candy to a fat ass like yours".

 

[melody]

Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine Slogans

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

**********
On Valentine's Day a drunk young man walked up to
an attractive girl and said, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal
question?"
"Yes, but I know you're going to ask eventually anyway, so
let's get it over with."
"Great. How many men have you had sex with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Cool! How much?"

**********
On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his
girls house one afternoon and passes a florist shop. On a whim he buys
a big bunch of flowers for her. When he gets to her house he holds the
flowers out to her. Instead to taking them she slides her panties off
from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says
"This is for the flowers." Paul looks at her and says " Oh come
now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

 

[melody]

A Flight Captain

A Delta flight was coming in to land at JFK airport,when the captain
flicked on the intercom system and says,"I would like to thank you
all for choosing Delta for your flight and I hope our service has
been to your satisfaction,and you had a great holiday,we will be
landing shortly."
The captain puts down the intercom but forgets to switch it off,
when the co-pilot says,"what are you going to do after we've landed
skipper? "
The captain replies,"I am going to have a good shit first,then I am
going to take the new blonde air hostess back to my flat and shag
her senseless."
The new blonde air hostess blushing bright red realizing the
intercom has not been turned off dashes from the back of the plane
towards the cockpit before anything else can be said,when half way
down the gangway there's an old lady of 83 sitting there with her
walking stick slightly sticking out in the gangway. The blonde air
hostess trips over the walking stick and lands flat on her face, to
which the old lady looks down at her and says,"there's no rush
dear,he's going to have a good shit first ."
=======
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely
Caucasian baby boy. 'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new
parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the
baby?' The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well,
two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting
Wong.
=======
Two old dears having a coffee, one says to the other, "Did you come
on the bus", "Yes", she replies, "but I made it look like an asthma
attack"

A priest lecturing a teenage boy told him, "The Golden Rule is,
Love thy neighbor as thyself." "Huh?" the boy said. "Am I supposed
to jerk him off, too?"

Some one had written on the bathroom wall: "My mother made me a
homosexual." Underneath it somebody else had written: "If I send her
the wool, will she make me one too?"

The trouble with my wife is that she has a wait problem. Every time
I want sex, she says, "Wait."

A new couple were making love in the dunes. When they were done he
said, "How lucky for us that you brought a condom with you." She
said, "We're even luckier than you think because I found it here in
the sand."
Man to woman in car: "They were out of tampons so I bought you a
cork"

 

[melody]

Reasons Masturbation Is Better Than Real Sex

1. Your hand always lets you finish first.
2. It's free.
3. Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It's all I can get.
4. You call the position.
5. "Premature ejaculation"? hehehe
6. No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.
7. Your privates are your best friend.
8. Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.
9. Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.
10. Easier to join their "Mile High Club."
11. You get to scream out your own name.
12. Peeing is considered foreplay.
13. Nobody ever says, "Why is it all green and wrinkly?"
14. You'll never have two women, but you'll always have two HANDS!
15. Four words: "Brad Pitt hand puppet."
16. You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.
17. Don't have to clean up fur afterwards.
=======
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer
hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to
their house, and found his mother in the kitchen
cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table,
let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have
something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response,
and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure
she'd heard him, when she turned away from the
pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay --
doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in
your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then
suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the
head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER
complain about my cooking again!!!"

 

[melody]

Very Important Info

1) 94% of men lie about their dick size. According to condom manufacturers, only 6% of men need to use extra large condoms.

2) The average man is 4-5 inches long when erect; no matter what you have heard ladies, that's the truth. Incidentally the average vaginal capactity is
Only 6 inches, for you women who think you can handle king dong.

3) 80% of American men are circumsized, though Pediatrics say it is not necessary.

4) No matter what all the ads say nothing but time can make your penis grow. (most men reach the end of their growth by the early 20's)

5) There is no correlation between penis size and shoe size, hand size, or nose size.

6) Blue balls does exist! It's technically called "prostatic congestion."

7) Only 16% of men shave their privates.


+Some stuff on the ladies+
------------------------------

1) Only 9% of women around the globe consider themselves "attractive" (20% of British women do). 43% of women use the term "natural", 24% say
They have "average" looks, 8% prefer the term "feminine", 7% say they are "good looking", and 7% say they are "cute", and finally only 2% of women say they are "sexy".

2) An estimated 85% of women wear the wrong size bra.

3) 60% of women have had breast implants.

4) 75% of women like giving/getting oral sex.

5) 95% of women shave their privates.


+Both+
--------------------------------

1) Masturbation is healthy for both men and women.

2) 70% of highschoolers have had sex before they have graduated. 27% loose their virginity senior prom night. Only 3% wait until marriage.

3) 95% of men would have sex with a girl after 1 month of ******. Only 10% of women feel this way.

4) Teens are most likely to have sex for the first time in June.

5) First-time intercourse is often unplanned, meaning it's less likely teens will use contraception.

6) Virginity is often lost with a person they haven't been ******.


+5 Reasons Why Sex is Good+
---------------------------------------------

1) It is a good workout. Sex burns about 150 calories every half an hour. It will lower your cholesterol and improve breathing circulation.

2) You won't get sick. According to research if you have sex 1-2 times a week you are less likely to get sick.

3) You'll feel happier. You will feel a greater sense of well-being. Women who have more sex were clinically proven to be less depressed than women
Who don't have sex.

4) Makes you look better; problem is that ugly people don't get any. Sex releases hormones which make your skin and hair softer and shinier and tone your physique.

5) (The best reason) You will live longer. Studies prove that sex makes you live longer. Men who had sex 1-2 times a week had half the death rate as those who did not indulge themselves at least once a month. It also makes you look younger. If you have sex 3 times a week you may look up to 10 years younger than you really are.


Did You Know?
----------------------------------------

1) Having sex 3 times a week for 1 year adds up to running 75 miles!!!!

 

[melody]

FOOTBALL MOVES IN SEX

Hike = Up the rear
Reverse = 69
Sack = Girl takes control and gets frisky
2-pt. conversion = multiple orgasms
Prevent Defense = Condom/protection
Face Mask = guy pulls girl head down to blow him
Shotgun = Touchdown in a car
Two minute warning = Guy gives the girl a warning before he blows
his load.
Holding = Cuddling
Superbowl = Wedding or Prom night
Huddle = Multiple participants
Madden '99 = Cyber sex
Instant replay = When you tape the two of you having sex Illegal Use of the hands = Masturbation
Ball Hog = Slut
Onside Kick = Making up after a fight
Double Header = Two mates in the same night
Tight End = Virgin
Wide Receiver = Girl that's loose
False Start = Guy/Girl gets shut down (denied)
Pass Interference = Some stupid kid interrupts before you can get some
Fumble = cheating (problem in the relationship)
Putting it through the uprights = self explanatory
Special Teams = Prostitute/Gigolo
Unsportsmanlike Conduct = Bragging to your friends about your activities
Double Coverage = Two condoms

-------

Ode To My Ex

I do not want you anywhere
Not in my house
Not in my chair
Not outside
Inside
Up the stair
Not in my car
Not in my shop
Not anywhere you slimy sot

Not sitting
Standing
Laying down
Not here
Not there
Not anywhere
Not on my porch
Not in my yard
Not by my truck
You lousy fuck

So stay away
You dirty Louse
I do not want you at my house

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the
game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually
end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to
a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
welcome.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they
can avoid if they remember the terminology! And send it to your women
friends to give them a good laugh!

Oh, and before we forget ...

"WHATEVER"
...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!


If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

=====

Nurse: How old are you?
Patient: None of your business.
Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records.
Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?
Nurse: Yes. Fifty.
Patient: All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?
Nurse: Zero.
Patient: Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.

 

[melody]

The Witness

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi
at the airport. It was after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness
as he suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch
her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money.

He paid for the new golf clubs I bought you. He paid for the Corvette
I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our
house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays
the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he
catches a cold."

=====

Why Men Get Out Of Bed

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.
- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.
- 83% said it was to go home

=====

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the National lottery!" Martha responds excitedly, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!" The man responds, "I don't care ... just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Shipwrecked

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and
a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he
realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm
around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the
three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was
no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was Sarah Palin. That evening, the
man brought Sarah to the evening beach ritual. It was another
beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle
breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man
started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges as long
as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Sarah and told
her he hadn't had sex for months.

Sarah batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she
could do for him.

He said, "Take the dog for a walk."

--------

A blonde patient was being counseled by the doctor at the local
health clinic. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection, you
can't have any relations whatsoever!" The young girl replied,
"Okay,but what about friends and neighbors?"

?

"So he asked me what I wanted, and I told him, 'A long, strong,
stiff one.'" "Oh, my!" "Yeah, but you should have seen his face when
I said, 'I meant a drink!'"

?

What does a blonde call a blow job in a Honda?
Her Civic duty

?

How can a girl tell when her date suffers from premature
ejaculation?
When he comes walking in the door.

?

Why do nurses make poor lovers?
Because they always wait for the swelling to go down!

?

How does a lesbian hold her liquor?
By the ears.

?

What does a prostitute have at the end of her shift?
A box of assorted creams!
=====
A singer named Ursula Greville
Had a lousy affair with the devil
Her bush was so thick
It obstructed his prick
So he sent for the Barber of Seville

 

[melody]

Spittoon

A tramp walked into a bar one day and started begging for drinks. One of the patrons says he will by the old drunk a drink, but first he has to take a drink from the spittoon in the corner.
The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer, goes over and picked up the spittoon, raises it to his lips, and starts swallowing all the greenie yellow snot down his throat.
The guy at the bar, who didn't really think the tramp would do it is horrified, "Stop, Stop," he yells, " I will buy you a drink now!"
But the tramp keeps drinking all the snot, dribbling some down his chin, gurgling away on the slimy fluid.
"Stop now," says the patron, "I will buy you a full bottle!"
But still the tramp keeps guzzling down the rotten cough drizzle. "Please stop," said the patron, "I will buy you two bottles!"
But still the tramp keeps swallowing the snotty greenie liquid. Finally after about 5 minutes the tramp tips the spittoon right back and slurps the rest of the snot from the bottom.
He walks back to the bar collects his two bottles and begins to leave.
The patron, spewing all over the bar, tears running down his face says, "Tell me, why didn't you stop when I asked you to?"
"I couldn't," said the tramp, "It was all in one lump!"
-------------
Q: What's the best thing about getting a handjob from a 7 year old girl?
A: It makes your dick look bigger.

Q: What do lesbians like to use for a lubricant?
A: Tartar sauce.

Q: What indication do we have that the lower part of a woman's body was
designed by a Polack?
A: Who else would have placed the shithole so close to the snack bar?
-------------
Two necrophiliacs are walking down the street when they pass a funeral home. One turns to the other and says:
"Hey, you wanna go in for a couple of cold ones?"

Pick-Up Lines

Will you play army men with me.. so I can blow the hell out of you !

Nice Shoes. Wanna fuck?

Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

You remind me of my Grandma except I haven't slept with you yet.

Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me.

Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?

Wow! Are those real?

There must be a keg in your pants, cuz I want to tap that ass.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No. Well, then, allow me
to introduce myself.

True, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd
like to catch and mount back at my place.

Why do I have a pierced tongue? You'll soon find out.

Hey baby, will you be my love buffet so I can lay you on the table and
take what I want?

How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your
belly button.

You must work at Subway, 'cause you just gave me a foot long

If you were a bugger I would pick you first.

If I let you suck on my tongue would you be gratefull

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

You stole my heart. But that's okay; I have another one at home in the
fridge.

Are you free tonight or is it gonna cost me?

I wish you were a carousel at Wal-Mart so I could ride you all day long
for just a quarter!!

Hey babe, do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?

Why don't you get down on your knees and smile like a doughnut?

The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my crib and spread the
word.

If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas, can I
visit you between the holidays?

Can I touch your belly button...from the inside?

@@@

These two men were cell mates at state penitentiary
for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe,
"You know man its been a long time since we had some
sex so you oughta let me screw you."
Joe replied.
"Are you crazy?!!"
Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll
flip a coin and see who screws, who first.
So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed.
They flipped a coin and Larry won.
Still having strong reservation Joe asked,
"How will you tell if it hurts or not?"
Larry told Joe,
"If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop.
But if it feels good start singing."
Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed,
Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River

 

[melody]

Jack Daniels

A man walked into the local tavern where he frequented, and when the bartender came over, he said, "I'd like to have three shots of Jack Daniels."
The bartender didn't question him, and brought him his 3 shots. One, two, three -- they disappeared! "Fill 'er up again," asked the man.
The bartender repeated the process, and so did the patron -- one, two, three -- they were gone! Well, Joe the Bartender didn't know WHAT to make of this. When the man asked for a third fillup, he said, "Buddy, seems like you got problems! Do you want to talk about 'em?"
The customer said, "Joe, I have a computer at home, and once a month -- maybe more -- I go to a porno website."
Joe, the bartender, said, "A lot of men do that -- but it doesn't make them drink like fish!"
"You don't understand," said the customer, "the one I went to today, I saw 3 gorgeous women!"
Joe said, "That's not unusual. A LOTTA lovely women on the Internet!"
The customer turned to Joe, with tears in his eyes. He said, "Have you ever been to a website, and the first three women you see are your daughter, your wife, and your MOTHER?"

yyyyy

The blonde says to her friend, "My boyfriend has the worst
dandruff."

Her friend says, "You should give him Head and Shoulders."

The blonde thinks for a minute and asks,
"How do you give shoulders?"

yyyyy

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling,
this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His wife is lying in bed and replies: "That's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I wasn't talking to you."

yyyyy

Little Susie came home from public school and asked her mother, "Where
did Little Billy next door come from?"
"The stork brought him, dear."
"Oh. Where did the twins on the corner come from?"
"They were brought by the stork. Two storks, in their case."
"Shit!" Little Susie said, "Doesn't anybody in this neighborhood fuck?"

Differences Between Lesbians And Dikes

A lesbian buys real estate.
A dyke rents.

A lesbian drinks out of a glass.
A dyke pops a top.

A dyke owns a Harley.
A lesbian owns a 10 speed Schwinn.

A dyke's tattoos don't rub off.
A lesbian's don't show.

A lesbian brunches.
A dyke drives-through.

A lesbian has acquaintances.
A dyke has buddies.

A dyke buys 'Hustler' over the counter.
A lesbian has a subscription.

None of a lesbian's earrings are made from parts of her tool box.

A lesbian drives a Porsche.
A dyke commands a pick-up.

A lesbian has her ears pierced.
A dyke goes further. Way further!

A dyke can actually use the word dildo 15 to 20 times a day.

A lesbian passes gas.
A dyke farts.

A lesbian cooks.
A dyke defrosts.

A dyke makes dinner.
A lesbian makes reservations.

A lesbian entertains at home.
A dyke has a regular bar stool.

A lesbian networks, and chats.
A dyke shows up.

A dyke has a tool belt.
A lesbian has a tooled belt.

A dyke believes she looks great in an six dollar haircut.

A dyke will drink from any hose.
A lesbian carries her own Evian.

A dyke plays softball.
A lesbian plays hardball.

@@@@@

There was an auto race from San Francisco to Miami between a car
load of fags and a car load of lesbians. Who arrived in Miami first?
The lesbians did. They "headed" down highway 69 doing lickitty split
while the fags were still in San Francisco packing their shit!