JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Bunk Beds

A guy nearing the end of his senior year in high school unfortunately
still has to share a room with his brother who is only 9 years old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is
already on the lower bunk. So he and his girlfriend climbed into the top bunk.

As you expected, things began to heat up. The guy remembers that his
brother is sleeping below, so he tells his girlfriend to whisper,
Lettuce if she wants it harder, and Tomato if she wants a new
position.

She screams, Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Whoa!!! Pull
It Out Now! I Can't Get Pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts, Hey, would you two guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!

=========

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down,
looks in his pocket then orders another one.

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again,
then orders another one.

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks,
Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket.
What's in your pocket?

The man replies, Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there.
I drink until she looks good, then I go home.

=========

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
scratching his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
'Why do you love doing that?'
'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

=========

The first black girl asked the Indian girls, what kinda Indians is ya?
The Indian girl responded, I'm an Arapaho and she's a Navaho.
The black girl responded, No shit, I's a Cleveland Ho, and she be a
Detroit Ho!

=========

Penis: The only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.

=========

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
It's for my husband, she tells the clerk.
Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.

Are you kidding? she says.
He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!

 

[melody]

Some Good Reasons To Masturbate

To stop the voices.

Because the director feels it enhances the scene and further develops my
character.

Because my mother's too tired to give me a handjob.

To scare the person next to me on the plane.

It doesn't reach my mouth.

It can add a whole new dimension to making shadow puppets.

If I don't, I have a habit of playing with my shit.

Your mom gets off by watching me.

Unfortunately, so does your dad.

It doesn't cost anything and I usually get a prize.

I've always found glory holes to be too impersonal.

I look cool in front of the mirror when I'm doing it.

I don't like the taste of postage stamps.

I like to pretend that I'm putting gel in my Barbie's hair.

Regis and Kathie Lee.

For the taste.

So I can last longer during those once in a blue moon encounters I'm
always having with ape-like girls.

My dog doesn't like peanut butter!

I get to finish!
**********
Little Johnny's class was studying about different things and one day
the teacher was explaining about the Weather Vane; how it indicates wind
direction, etc.

She asked if anyone knew why there is a cock on the Weather Vane.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know why they put a cock on
it; if they put a cunt up there, the wind would blow right thru it"!
**********
There once was gilr named Sattie,
she liked to get a litle kinky,
she brought out her whip, and in one quick un-zip,
she was fucking a dog named Dottie

There once was a man named Scott,
he liked his guys very hot,
he met a guy named Tex,
and jizzed when he saw his pecks,
but couldn't stop so he tied his dick in a knot

 

[melody]

Original Version Of Piss Pot Pete
A great classic joke

Now gather round children and I'll tell a story of old,
When men were brave and women were bold.

It all started a way out west,
To settle the bet of who was best.

Now Old Lill fucked everything that crawled or creeped,
And piled her victims in a great big heap.

There wasn't a man for miles around;
With a big enough rod to fuck her down.

Now news of this boast traveled far and wide;
Thousands of rod-toters came and died.

When down from Texas came Piss Pot Pete,
With eighteen pounds of Swinging Meat.

Eighteen pounds of meat, and thirty pounds of cod;
He wasn't a boy--he was a MAN, by God!

Pete laid it out on the Blue Balls Bar;
I'll swear it stretched from thar to...........thar.

Stunk like shit, I thought I'd die;
But he just laughed and let it lie.

Gentlemen, countrymen, boys in blue;
Came to witness this terrible screw.

People came from miles afar,
To place their bets at the Blue Balls Bar.

They met the next morning in the middle of the street,
The Mangey Whore and Piss Pot Pete.

Pete greased his dick with a tub of lard,
And he killed a mule trying to work up a hard!

Old Lill warmed up on an old cross-tie;
Oh my God how the splinters did fly!

Pete came down Main Street like a south-bound freight,
And Old Lill knew she had met her fate.

All she could do was to take a seat,
And let old Pete sink his meat.

With a stretching of flesh, and tearing of skin,
Old Pete drove the first two feet in.

Old Lill screamed and clawed at the grass,
And yelled like a panther with a turpentined ass!

Lill let out a scream, "I can't take any more!"
But Pete pounded away on the smelly old whore.

The earth shook and dark came to the sun;
Pete's eyes rolled back and he fired off his gun.

When the battle was over and the dust had cleared,
Over forty acres, Lill's ass was smeared.

Gallons of love were spilled out in the street.
It was so damn sticky, you couldn't pick up your feet!

Land was torn up for miles around,
Where Old Pete's balls had drug the ground.

Pete reeled in his dick, and pounded his chest;
Got on two horses, and rode off West.

As a lasting memory to the great Old Whore,
They hung her drawers on the Bar Room door.

And all the soap this side of hell;
Couldn't wash away that whorehouse smell!

Now Old Pete died and went to hell;
Fucked the devil and his wife as well!

The little imps screamed and climbed the wall,
Yelling, "Get him out of here before he fucks us all!"

He fucked ninety-eight and his balls turned blue,
Then he backed off, jacked off, and fucked the other two.

 

[melody]

Expensive Perfume

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like
expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman and says
arrogantly, Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also
smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian
woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her
destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves,
she looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over, and
farts....... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

()()()

Q: What does the bride of a Polish man get that's long
and hard on her wedding night?
A: His last name.

Q: What is the down side to a 3-some?
A: You'll likely disappoint two women instead of just one.

Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.

Why do Jewish women like circumcized men best?
- Because Jewish women like 10% off ANYTHING!!

63% of men have had sex in the shower.
The other 37% have never been to prison

()()()

There once was a woman from Wooster
Who dreamt that a man had seduced her.
When she awoke,
It was only a joke.
A bedspring had come loose and had goosed her.

 

[melody]

What is FOREPLAY?

1- The loving before the shoving.
2- The petting before the getting.
3- BULLSHIT!
4 -The licking before the pricking.
5- The stroking before the poking.
6- The procrastination & masturbation preceding penetration.
7- The lingering and the fingering.
8- A premature ejaculators nightmare!
9- Unnecessary with barn animals.

`````

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other,

"Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?"

The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."

`````

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

 

[melody]

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.
His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that
can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will
diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar
with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The
computer started making some noise and various lights started
flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on
which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife
and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He
went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the
sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual
noise and printed out the following
message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has
worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in
a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They
aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better."
00000

Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having
lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going
to have a boy."

The other two women think about that for a moment, and
then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're
going to have a boy?"

"Well, when the child was conceived," says the first
women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the
second woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."

"OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're
going to have a girl?"

"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom.
So I'm going to have a girl."

They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third
woman obviously getting more and more distressed,
until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing?

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask
with concern.

The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough
to only say one thing.... "I'm going to have a puppy!"

 

[melody]

An Artificial Leg

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his artificial leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.

In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiance about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room.

"Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his artificial leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

---------

Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister.
What do you do if your Kotex is on fire?
You tampon it.

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon
suite. "Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist. "Only
one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."

Most males in a men's room are stand-up guys.
A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to
his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

Have you heard about the new extra-large tampon?
It's called a "Tightwad."

What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance,

 

[melody]

What Men Really Mean

Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question...

"I brought you a present."
Really means...
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means...
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

 

[melody]

Buckwheat And Darla

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla: "How do
you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid.'"
Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell
dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Buckwheat ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, "I may be dumb
and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
-------
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull
the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine what's that?", she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."
-------
What's the difference between a drug pusher and a hooker?
The hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

If size doesn't matter, how come my girlfriends vibrator isn't three
inches long and crooked?
-------
A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his
mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she
gets pregnant." A few days later, after pondering this for some time,
the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the man
ever get his penis back??"

 

[melody]

More What Men Really Mean

Just in case we don't understand one another.

1."I'm going fishing" -
Means.. "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety"

2. "It's a guy thing" -
Means.. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

3. "Can I help with dinner?" -
Means.. "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

4. "Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear" -
Means.. Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.

5. "It would take too long to explain" -
Means.. "I have no idea how it works".

6. "We're going to be late" -
Means.. "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".

7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
Means.. "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra".

8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard" -
Means.. "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".

9. "That's interesting dear" -
Means.. "Are you still talking?"

10."It's a really good movie" -
Means.. "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".

11."That's women's work" -
Means.. "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".

12."You know how bad my memory is" -
Means.. "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday or our anniversary."

13."I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" -
Means.. "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".

14."Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" -
Means.. "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt".

15."Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" -
Means.. "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon".

16."I can't find it" -
Means.. "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless".

17."What did I do this time?" -
Means.. "What did you catch me at?"

18."You know I could never love anyone else" -
Means.. "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse".

19."I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are" -
Means.. "No one will ever see us alive again".

 

[melody]

NAUGHTY POEMS

Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.

~*~*~*~*~

Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When I think of you
Oh baby I get horny.

~*~*~*~*~

I like your style
I like your class
but most of all
I like your ass

~*~*~*~*~

Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says i love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hell with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 months in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never wouldn't have happened
If the rubber wouldn't have torn

~*~*~*~*~

Sex is when a guys information
enters a girls communication
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration

~*~*~*~*~

Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...

Did you ever notice how all women's problems begin with MEN!?!?!?

~*~*~*~*~

Eat me,
Beat me,
Bite me,
Blow me,
Suck me,
Fuck me,
Very slowly,
if you kiss me,
don't be sassy,
Use your tongue and make it nasty!!!!

~*~*~*~*~
Holy mother, full of grace
Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him away from all other girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Put his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one I sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fuck
And if my Mom happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.

 

[melody]

Cutbacks

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

--------

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

 

[melody]

Three Sisters

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"

The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."

"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
========
Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

 

[melody]

FUN THINGS TO SAY TO A GIRL WITH
NO ARMS AND NO LEGS

*"If your happy and you know it clap your hands!"
*I guess a handjobs out off the question?
*You don't expect me to do the dishes?
*Could you pass me my cigarettes darling?
*I would have at least expected you to cook me dinner!!!
*Do you want a vibrator for Christmas?
*Why do you mean you haven't done the shopping?
*Oi… give me back the remote control.
*Do you want to play racket ball?
*Why haven't you made the bed?
*Now stand up and say that… BITCH!!!!!
*It's your turn to mow the lawn!
*Who left that slug trail on the kitchen floor?
*If you need something done while I'm gone, call a handyman!
*Are you having an affair you bitch, I've been calling all day!!!!
*One giant leap for mankind, one enormous thump on the floor!
*Remember… progress is just one step at a time.
*Put another log on the fire.
*Do you want to drive, or should I?
*It's your turn to walk the dog! For god sake woman… get off your arse!!!!

7777777777

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.

We drank a bit, and talked awhile, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.

"What’s that?" I asked.

"It’s a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place.

She flipped on the hall light and then shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"

7777777777

Paddie was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Ten quid . ." she whispers.

He’d never been with a prostiture before, but he decides, it’s only a tenner. So they hide in the bushes.

They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It’s a policeman. "What’s going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I’m making love to my wife!," he answers indignantly.

"Oh, I’m sorry," says the cop, "I didn’t know."

"Well," he says, "neider did I, til you shined dat light in her face!!"

 

[melody]

He Wanted A Virgin

He wanted many things in a wife, but above all he wanted one who was a virgin. Falling madly in love with Summer, he decided to test her.
At a drive-in one night, he leaned over and asked, "Would you like to see my pee-pee?"

As he unzipped his fly, Summer covered her eyes. "No! No! Please put it back!"

Thrilled, he deemed Summer worthy of being his bride, and immediately proposed to her. On their wedding night, he was keenly anticipating the delight of introducing Summer to sex.

When she came to bed, he unzipped his fly and took out his member.

Summer smiled, "Oooooh...what a nice pee-pee."

He stroked her hair. "My dear, the first thing you must learn is that it really isn't called a pee-pee. It's called a cock."

"No," Summer said, studying it, "That's a pee-pee. A cock is long, fat and like Bubba's!!"

00000000

My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up
at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned
her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her
back over, and came all over her face and hair. I guess we don't
watch the same movies.

00000000

Did you hear about he new athletic shoe for lesbians? They are
called "Dikees" They come with an extra long tongue and you can get
them off with one finger!

A cook got his hand caught in a dishwasher - and they were both
fired.

 

[melody]

Bad Taste Humor

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"

@@@

Two cannibals, wandering around in the desert for days without food, hungry and desolate, all of a sudden, to their delight, they stumble upon a dead human carcass, pristine from any scavenger, so the two cannibals sink their teeth into the dead human flesh, tearing it apart, one starting from the head and one from the toes.

After a few minutes of eating, the guy at the head yells to the cannibal at the bottom, "hey, how is it going down there?"

The cannibal at the bottom says "this is great, I'm having a ball.

The guy at the top says slow down and enjoy it, you're eating too damn fast."

A guy from the deep south comes to New York and he's amazed by the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the Sewage Disposal Plant to check it out.

One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap, see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a gay man."

The hick says, "How can you tell?"

The inspector says, "It's dented on one end."


Crude Sex Jokes

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. Why don't little girls fart?
A. Because they don't get assholes until they're married.

Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he's in, he shuts up!

Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.

Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.

Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating...

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.

Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!

Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

 

[melody]

Phunny Jokes

Ginger was feeling quite gruff
'Til he placed his head in her muff
Then she purred like a kitty
When his tongue hit her clitty
Saying, "I just can't get enough!"
_________________________________

I wooed a buxom young nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! She was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude --
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
_________________________________

I once had a ladyfriend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose.
_________________________________

How can you make a gay man scream twice?
Fuck him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on his curtains.

Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?
He didn’t like the way he was being reared.

Why do so many gays have moustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.

Did you hear about the homosexual electron?
Went around blowing fuses.

Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
Only came in male boxes.

What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room?
100 people that don’t do dick!

Did you hear about the two lesbians who bought an organ so they could play hymns?
_________________________________

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her arse and said, "You know if you firmed this up you could get rid of your girdle."

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the tit and said,"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

She rolled over and grabbed him by the dick and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the window cleaner, and your brother."

Failing Eyesight

A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing
eyesight.
The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart. Doctor: "Can
you read the bottom line?" Girl: "No." "Can you read the center
line?"
"No." "Can you read the large top line" "No."Can you even see the
chart?" "No." The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his penis
out of his pants. "Can you see this?" "Of course!" "Well, there's
your problem - you're cock-eyed!"

NNNNN

A slutty girl is flirting with 2 guys in a chatroom. The first guy
asks, "What state are you from?" While at the same time the second
guy asks, "What do you do for a living?" To satisfy them both, She
replies, "Idaho."

Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.

NNNNN

Q: What do a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: They both have a wet noses.

Q: What do you call a tampon used by Nazis?
A: A Twatstika.

Q: Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A: They're going to call her Old Spice.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetary.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: Why do so many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Q: Why haven't any women astronauts even been sent to the Moon?
A: Because the Moon doesn't need cleaning.

NNNNN

"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," reports Sadie to her
friend Sophie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant,
has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends."
"Oh, my daughter's a whore too."

 

[melody]

Duck Hunting

A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go duck hunting.
He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go duck hunting with me, I'll do ya anally or you can give me a blowjob. I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I get back."
The man returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well what's it gonna be?"
The wife says: "There's no way I'm going duck hunting and you're not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob."
She gets started and then pulls back with choking and gagging: "Jesus, you taste like shit."
"Yeah," he replies, "the dog didn't want to go duck huntin' either."
____________________________

A zoo acquires a female gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla becomes very ornery, and difficult to handle. The vet determines she is in heat, but there is no male gorilla available.
The zoo administrators approach Mike, who cleans animal cages. Mike, while not very bright, is rumored to be extremely well endowed. They ask: "would you be willing to screw this gorilla for five hundred bucks?"
"Well, let me think it over and I'll let you know tomorrow."
The next day, Mike says: "I'll do it, but only under three conditions. First, I don't want to have to kiss her. Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result. Third, I need another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
____________________________

Q. Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz 2 Men?
A. He thought they were a delivery service.

Q. What would you get if you crossed a boy with a Catholic priest?
A. One happy priest.

Q. What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?
A. They both have little boys pants half off.

Bachelor Party

This guy was invited to a bachelor party but his wife didn't want him to go.
"Last time you went to a bachelor party you got totally blind drunk and vomited all over yourself, ruining a new suit", she said.
"I promise I'll behave myself," he said, and begged and begged until finally she gave in.
So he goes along to the party and pretty soon he forgets about his promise and begins drinking Long Island iced teas. Before long, he's really feeling it.
He tells a friend: "Shit my wife will kill me if I vomit on myself" he tells a friend.
"No problem," says his friend. "What you do is put $20 in the back of your wallet. If you throw up on yourself give the wife the $20 when you get home and tell her that someone else vomited all over you and gave you $20 for the dry cleaning".
So the guy thinks this is a great idea and starts really hitting it heavy.
By 2:00 AM he is shitfaced. He has barfed all over himself as his wife expected he would. So he heads home and his wife greets him at the door.
"Goddamn it, you did it again!" she screams.
"No, no you've got it all wrong! Another guy was so drunk he threw up all over me, but he gave me $20 to pay for the dry cleaning," he says as he hands over the money to his wife.
"If he gave you $20 how come your giving me $40?"
"The other $20 is from the guy who shit in my pants!"

*****

A pretty woman goes up to the bar and gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
She seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"No."
"Can you get him for me?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly aroused, "is there anything I can do?"
"Please give him a message for me," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What message?" croaks the bartender.
"Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies' room."

 

[melody]

Funny Shorties

A college student on his way between wild parties
climbed into the back of a cab and asked the driver,
"Do you have room up there for a large pizza and a
six pack of beer?"
"Sure!" answered the cabby.
So the kid leaned forward and threw up.

@@@@@

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
How was he killed?" asked one detective.
With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

@@@@@

A little boy goes to the drugstore for some condoms. He goes up to the
pharmacist and asked him, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed
condoms are?"

The pharmacist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"

"Sure do" replied the boy, "They keep you from getting venereal
diseases."

"Yes, that's true," said the pharmacist, "but do you know what the ribs
are for?"

The little boy thought for a moment, then looked up at the pharmacist
and replied, "Well, not exactly, but they sure do make the hair on the
backs of them goats stand up."

@@@@@

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
With a little keg of brandy.
Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed,
Now it's Jack, and Jill, and Andy.

@@@@@

A man walks into a therapists office wearing nothing but
seran wrap pants, The therapist takes one look at him and
says "Clearly, I can see your (you're) nuts."


An Italian In Detroit

You must use an Italian accent for this joke to work:

One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast,

I tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one
piss.
I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her
you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not
piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and
she calla me a sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eats lunch at drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a
spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me
everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on
the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma
bitch.

So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I
calla the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to
the toilet.
So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better
not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch.

I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say
Piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch.

I go back to Italy.

@@@

An American businessman is in Japan. The Japanese
businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him
upstairs with a hooker.

As he's fucking her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana!
Nashagai ana!"

He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all..." He keeps pumping,
and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"

The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys,
and he slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right.
The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana."

The American asks, "What does that mean?"

The Japanese replies, "Wrong hole."

@@@

The difference in definition between "guts" and "balls"

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the lads,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty".

 

[melody]

March 1
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my old man, "I'm sick and tired of running around in circles." He got mad. He nailed down my other foot.

March 2
In high school I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

March 3
Last Christmas I got no respect. I gave my kid a B-B gun. He gave me a sweatshirt with a bullseye in the back!

March 4
I tell you I don't get no respect. Why, the surgeon general, he offered me a cigarette.

March 5
I tell ya, with my wife I got no sex life. Just when I get going, she wakes up.

March 6
I tell ya, my wife, she likes to talk during sex. The other night she called me from a motel.

March 7
I live in a bad neighborhood. Just the other night a guy held me up. But he had class, ya know. He used an electric razor. Actually, I blame myself. I was standing right next to an outlet. Oh, this guy took everything. He took my watch, my wallet and a little off the sides.

March 8
I tell ya, I come from a tough neighborhood. Why, just last week some guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a real professional job. There was butter on it.

March 9
My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday, my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.

March 10
I tell ya nothing goes right. My wife's father died. She had his body frozen. Every time I take a snack, he falls out of the refrigerator.

March 11
I get no respect. I was crossing the street. I got hit by a mobile library. I was lying there in pain, screaming. The guy looked at me. He went, "Shhhh."

March 12
I tell ya, I'm not a sexy guy. I was with one girl, I said to her, "Come on honey, I'll show ya where it's at." She said, "You'd better, 'cause the last time I couldn't find it."

March 14
I take showers, I don't like baths. The last time I took a bath, I lost three of my ships.

March 15
I don't get no respect at all. My wife, she ran off with my best friend. Now I got no dog.

March 16
The other night I went to visit my mother. She was on her hands and knees. I said. Ma, you're off your rocker."

March 17
When I say I'm lonely, I mean lonely. The other day in traffic a guy gave me the finger. And I enjoyed it.

March 18
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

March 19
I tell ya, a lot of people are in bad shape. A guy stopped me in the street the other day. He told me he hasn't eaten in five days. I told him, I said, "I wish I had your will power."

March 20
I asked my doctor if my heart was strong enough for sex. He told me, "Not if I join in."

March 21
Yes, my doctor, Dr. Vinny Boom Batz, his new book just came out. It's about an American girl who marries a Mexican boy. The books entitled, "She Fell in Love While His Visa was Extended."

March 22
I tell ya, blind dates never work out. I had a blind date. The girl, she showed up, she was pregnant. What do ya say to a girl that's pregnant? What have you been doing lately? And she told me she had a fight with her boyfriend. I said, "Look, you tell your boyfriend next time you fight, he should knock you down."

March 23
I tell ya, blind dates, they never work out. I had one blind date. They told me she had early American features. Yeah, she looked like a buffalo.

March 24
In high school I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

March 25
My old man, he was very strict. He allowed no drinking in the house. I had two brothers who died of thirst.

March 26
When I was a kid I got no respect. My old man took me to the zoo. He told me to go over to the leopard and play connect the dots.
March 27
I was born in a small town: Babylon, Long Island. And I'll tell you one thing about Babylon. The population never changes. Every time a kid is born, some guy leaves town.

March 28
With my wife there's always something. The last time I got a haircut. She told me it was terrible. She said it looks like you got a haircut. She says when you get a haircut it's not supposed to look like you got a haircut. She said, "Harry got a haircut. No one even knew that Harry got a haircut." I said, "Then how do you know Harry got a haircut?" So now I got a new problem. Next week I'm due to get a haircut. And I don't want it to look like a got a haircut. So what I'm doing now is I'm trying to find a barber who don't look like he's a barber.

March 29
My kid drives me nuts. For three years now he goes to a private school, He won't tell me where it is.

March 30
Every time my wife takes the car there's trouble. The other day she came home there were a hundred dents in the car. She said she took a shortcut through a golf range.

March 31
Oh I live in a bad neighborhood. But one thing in my neighborhood, though, the parents, they always know where their children are. Yeah, they see them on the news.


Women's Questions

Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.


The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."