JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Christmas Song

Dildoes and corsets and Chainmail Bikinis
Black Leather cages you lock on your weenies
Fetish and fashion and pierced nipple rings
These are a few of my favorite things ...

When the lash bites
When the crop stings
When it hits the Spot
I simply remember my favorite things
And it makes me feel ... so hot!!

Wrist cuffs and collars and straps of black leather
Chrome chains and Padlocks to hold them together
Tease whips and gags sort the girls from the boys
These are a few of my favorite toys ...

Nip Clips and Clit clips and Ball gags and Blindfolds
Dildoes and butt plugs to stop up your assholes
Enema pipes and some new "KY" gel
All delivered in brown paper, so the neighbors can't tell ...

Bottle green panties like the girls wore in school
A brief French maids outfit to make your mouth drool
Black halter tops and a PVC skirt
And a long leather whip ... Oh yes, that will hurt!!

Floggers and paddles and crops of black leather
Rubber and latex are fun in all weather
Canes of rattan that deliver a sting
All these and more are my favorite things!!!

When the lash bites
When the crop stings
When it hits the Spot
I simply remember my favorite things
And it makes me feel ... so hot!!


Letters To Santa

*Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

*Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask
for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

*Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door
in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

*Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis"nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa

*Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
Santa

*Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas,
where spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

*Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you
do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

*Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

*Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into
our home?
Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live
in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

 

[melody]

The night before XXXmas

Twas the night befor Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of the sled,
A sock in his ear and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Woa Shithead, woa Asshole, woa Stupid, woa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
"That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile"

He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several more things I shouldn't even mention.

A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
"This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"

 

[melody]

The Fucking Night Before Christmas, Dammit!

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everybody felt shitty -- even the mouse.
Mom at the Whorehouse and Dad smoking grass;
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what's the matter
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment: it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fat fucker fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart,
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight
"Piss on you all and have a hell of a night!"

Xmas Carols for the Alternative Sexual Lifestyle:

Little Hummer Boy

A Lay In A Manger

Oh, Cum All Ye Faithful

I Came Upon A Midnight Queer

Here Cums Santa Claus

I'm Creaming On A White Christmas

You Boff The Red-nosed Vain Queer

Oh, Hole-y Night

Santa Claus Is Cumming, You Clown

Frosty The Blow Man

 

[melody]

Another Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house.
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse.
No kids lived with me, so I thought I would chatter.
There'd be no damn reindeer, and so stupid clatter.

There'd be no fat elf, coming through my chimney.
I'll be alone, my computer and me.
I won't race to the window, to see him arrive.
I'll just sit right here...with windows ninety-five.

There's no one I know, as I'm surfing around.
None of my regular buddies are found.
I went in some chat rooms, but quickly got out.
Age, sex, location is all that's about.

As, I was about to go check out the net.
I got an E-mail which I didn't expect.
A lady told me, she had read my profile.
And, ask, if I might like to chat for a while.

She said, if I didn't, then she would just leave.
But, she was so lonely, on this Christmas Eve.
She said, it's the first time, she'd ever been on.
But, she heard, computers, could be so much fun.

She said, the computer, was usually locked tight.
But, she said, her husband, left it on... tonight.
He's away on some business; He'll be gone all night.
So, she thought she'd use it, " I guess it's all right."

She started to tell me, about her whole life.
How she was expected to be a good wife.
She talked of her anger, frustrations, and needs.
Because she was forced, to do such silly deeds.

She talked on and on, from one thing to the next.
Then finally told me.....she was oversexed.
She didn't have sex, with her husband, she told.
He was always too busy, and getting too old.

Then, she wrote me something, that made my heart vex.
She asked me to teach her , to have cyber-sex.
I said, if she wanted me to, that I could.
Then after an hour, she got really good.

After five hours, my fingers were sore.
I told her, that I couldn't go anymore.
She said, that was fine, because she was tired too.
And anyway, her husband, soon would be due.

She said she would be on, the same time next year.
Then asked, if I wouldn't mind, meeting her here.
She said only...on this night, she could be found
It is only...this night, her husband leaves town.

She said bye, and signed off...and i had to pause.
I think I just cybered with Mrs. Santa Claus!

 

[melody]

Still A Virgin

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
========
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
========
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

[melody]

Two Blondes

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the
perfume
counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and
smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"

"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.

"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"

At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies,
means
'come to me' in French."

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and
remarks,
"That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"
=========
A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.

The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid.

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" he asked.

"That's nothing," the kid said after taking a swig of beer. "I got laid when I was three."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I don't remember. I was drunk."
=========
A young married couple go to a sex therapist, and the bride
promptly complains, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation!"
"Is this true?" the therapist calmly asks.
"Well, not exactly. I don't suffer. She does."

 

[melody]

Pick Up lines

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed
bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas,
could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount
you or eat you!

12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and
I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in
those pants"

17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.

21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous
curves ahead, yield?

22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into
this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you
blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking
to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be
coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat
me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

 

[melody]

More Gay Q's & A's

Q. What Is A Gay Masochist?
A. A Sucker For Punishment.

Q. What Is A Gay Seven Course Dinner?
A. Seven Inches, Seven Ways.

Q. What Is Better, Being Born Black Or Gay?
A. Black, Because You Don't Have To Tell Your Parents.

Q. What Is The Brown Stuff On A Queer's Dick?
A. Gay Poopon.

Q. What Is The Definition Of Bloody Mary?
A. A Wounded Gay.

Q. What Is The Difference Between A Freezer And A Gay?
A. A Freezer Doesn't Fart After You Pull The Meat Out!

Q. What Is The Difference Between A Microwave And A Gay Male's
Lifestyle?
A. The Microwave Won't Brown Your Meat.

Q. What Is The Difference Between A Straight Rodeo And A
Gay Rodeo?
A. At A Straight Rodeo They Yell `Ride Them Suckers!'.

Q. What Is The Most Entertaining Part About Gay Bars?
A. The Cockfighting In The Back Room.

Q. What Is The Most Romantic Thing You Can Say To Someone
In A Gay Bar?
A. `May I Move Your Stool?'

Q. When There Was A Gay On Your Back, Would You Beat Him
Off?

Q. Who Is The Saddest Gay In Hollywood?
A. The Last One To Get A Piece Of The `Rock'.

Q. Why Did The Gay Cover Himself With Whipped Cream?
A. He Was Going To The Party As A Wet Dream.

Q. Why Didn't The Gay Student Sit Down?
A. His Seat Was Taken Right Before Class.

Q. Why Do Bi-Sexuals And Gay Men Smoke Cigars?
A. Practice Makes Perfect!

Q. Why Is A 25 Year Old Gay Like A 90 Year Old Heterosexual?
A. For Each One, Sex Is Behind Him.

Q. Why Is A Gay At An Orgy Like A Turkey?
A. He'll Gobble, Gobble, Gobble 'Till You Cut Off His Head.

Q. Why Is Normal Sperm Fresher Than Homosexual Sperm?
A. Because Most Gay Sperm Comes In A Can.

Q. Why Was The Gay Fired From His Job At The Sperm Bank?
A. For Drinking On The Job.

Q. Why Was The Gay Sergeant Court-Martialed?
A. They Caught Him Playing With His Privates.

Q. Why Will Al Gore Get The Gay Vote?
A. Because Gays Don't Like Bush.

Q. Did You Hear About The Gay Milkman?
A. He Never Left An Empty Behind.

 

[melody]

Little Johnny And Little Susie

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but
they know that they are in love. One day they decide
they want to get married, so Little Johnny goes to Susie's
father to ask him for her hand.

Little Johnny bravely walks up to him and says
"Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love
and I'm asking for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith
replies, "Well Little Johnny, you are only 10.
Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Little
Johnny replies. "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can
both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to
get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Little Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...
Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Little
Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks
for a moment trying to come up with something that Little Johnny
won't have an answer to. After a second,
Mr. Smith says, "Well Little Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones
of your own?"

Little Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says
"That's okay, I'll just keep fucking her up the ass for now..."


As sex education is being taught at a younger age
these days little Johnny is in class one day when the teacher
begins the days sex lesson.

"Todays letter is the letter "p" and the word is "penis".

Little Johnny can hardly contain himself and blurts
out, "I know what that is"! "I know! I know!!"
" My daddy has two of them! "

"He has a little one he goes pee with...
and a great big one he brushes the baby sitters teeth with!"


Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.
Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".
Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

 

[melody]

Pick Up lines

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed
bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas,
could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount
you or eat you!

12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

13. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and
I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in
those pants"

17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.

21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous
curves ahead, yield?

22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into
this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you
blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking
to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be
coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat
me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

 

[melody]

Ahhhhh, The Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with
his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right
back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

His wife said, "You want a beer, my lover?" She opened the door to
the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from
12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know....
they have frozen glasses...."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge
beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar the have those hors d'oeuvre that are really delicious..I won't be
long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvre, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvre: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey.... at the bar.... you know there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR
ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT
YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED
BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

....and, they lived happily ever after.

jjj

Man says to wife I fancy kinky sex, how bout I cum in your ear ?
Wife says "No I might go deaf".
Man says "I've been cumming in your mouth for 20yrs and you're still fucking talking.

jjj

Door bell rings. The man from next door says he needs help. His wife is having a seizure. Next door on the floor the wife is naked and thrashing about wildly. The man says help me hold her down. Once the wife's limbs are pinned the man rips off his clothes. "When I climb on let her loose!"

jjj

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went fishing.

jjj

"I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken with me for six months."
Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find."

 

[melody]

A Young Pick-Up

The travelling salesman took the cute young pickup to a motel in the early afternoon. As he was pumping away, she gasped, "There's a man in the room with us!"
"The hell with the hotel dick," he grunted without missing a stroke.
"It ain't him," she squealed. "It's the truant officer!"
yyyyyy
A bloke has sex with a Chinese hooker and a week later he goes to a doctor because
his cock has turned yellow, purple and green.
The doctor takes a look and says, "Well, it's pretty bad. We'll have to amputate."
"No way!", says the bloke. He runs out and thinks, "Hmm... Chinese girl - Chinese doctor."
So, he goes to Chinatown and finds a Chinese doctor. The doctor takes a look. The
bloke says, "Hey doc, the previous doctor said he'd have to amputate." The Chinese doctor
says, "Australian doctors, always cut, cut, cut... Two - three days at most - pecker fall off all
by itself!"
yyyyyy
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks.
Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
yyyyyy
Over beers, two mates were having a discussion
about the charms of a certain actress.
"I say she's overrated," said one. "Take away her
hair, her lips, and her figure, and what have you got?"
"My ol' lady." said the other.

 

[melody]

Male Comebacks To Female Comebacks

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat
slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my
car, don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible
to shake off once you've been shagged.

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad
watches.

Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat bitch.

@@@

What is the worlds smallest funeral home?
A woman's pussy, you can only get one stiff in at a time.

What do cheerleaders and tampons have in common?
They're both stuck up bitches!

How many animals fit in a condom.
A cock and a few hares.

 

[melody]

I want a man that loves me for my mind and not my body. . .
But plays with my body and not my mind : )

@@@

I gave you a kiss
You wanted some more
Get out of my face
You cheap sleazy whore

There can't be an end
When there is no beginning
Our story is read
In a one second sitting

A bag over my head
A bag over yours
I'll pull it out
You drop your drawers

And once I am finished
Get out of my sight
For like all the others
I was drunk that night

@@@

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop.
The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."

He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says ... "What do you want, fat-head?"

The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"

"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three things a man wants in life.
First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine.
Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town.
Third, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."

@@@

Why do women get their belly buttons pierced?
Where else would they hang the air freshener.

The big difference between Hobos & Homos is that Hobos have no
friends ~ and Homos have friends coming out their ass!

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

How do you tell if a girl is wearing panty hose?
Her ankles swell when she farts.

 

[melody]

Leroy

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the
ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because
I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her
Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-
Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew
because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more
high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good,
but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a
soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"
*************
Here I sit in stinking vapor
Some son of a bitch used all the paper
The bus is coming
I cannot linger
So pucker up asshole here comes the finger
*************
Do you know how they make baby smurfs?
They smuck.

What is "smore play"?
It's what smurfs do before they smuck!!!

What did the hillbilly virgin say to her partner after her first
orgasm?
"Get off dad! You're crushing my Camels!"

Why do black men never go to country bars?
Every time they hear "hoedown" they think their date got shot.

The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to
them, " I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of
gonorrhea in the convent."
A nun in the back responds, "Thank God! I'm so tired of Zinfandel."

 

[melody]

Little Johnny Is A Naughty Boy

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute
in place of his regular teacher.

She says "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy.
When you say my name class remember it has an "r"
after the first letter"

The entire class says "Hello Mrs. Prussy"

A few days later the regular teacher gets sick again.

When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks if he remembers
what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher
"I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter,
and it had something to do with a pussy, hmmm.... ".

"That's right" she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?"

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~*

I love to suck a great big tit
inch by inch, bit by bit,
I love to see her big breasts bare
they make my cum fly through the air.

Oh goodness gracious what big boobs!
They make my cum spurt out in goobs!
Their great to lick and squeeze and suck
not to mention titty fuck!

They say that having such big boobs
are really just a waste
but it takes more than just a mouthful
to get the greatest taste!

She demanded I gave her affection,
Then opened her thighs for inspection.
I found her quite nice
Til I noticed the lice
And immediately lost my erection.

 

[melody]

Costume Party

A couple are getting ready to go to a costume party. The woman
goes into the bedroom and emerges completely naked, except for a
lemon hanging on a string from her vagina. Her partner is
shocked and amazed, and questions her about it. She answers that
this is her costume, and this is the way she's going to the
party.

He goes into the bedroom and emerges a few minutes later also
completely naked, but with a potato hanging on a string from his
penis. He looks at her and replies,"if you can go as a sourpuss,
I can go as a dick tater.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother.

"That babies come out of the same place where boys put
their penises?" said her daughter.

"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the
subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have
to explain it to her daughter.

"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager,
"won't it knock my teeth out?"

&&&&&&&&&&&&&

How do you know if a blonde used the computer?
The Joystick is wet

What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

IT'S NOT THE LENGTH, AND IT'S NOT THE SIZE,
IT'S HOW MANY TIMES YOU CAN MAKE IT RISE!!

 

[melody]

GUY QUIZ

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered "c" more than 7 times.... "YOU DA MAN!

 

[melody]

Animals

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Well," says
the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's bloody heavy."

@@@

Two men are walking through a graveyard walking their dogs.

One man turns to the other as they pass and says, "Morning."

The other man replies, "No, just walking the dog."

@@@

You know, I used to be a bestial sado-necrophilliac until I realized I
was just flogging a dead horse.

@@@

Q. Where would you find a duck with no legs?
A. Where you left it.

Q. What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A. A zebra!

Q. What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A. A happy pit bull.

Q. Why don't blind people sky-dive?
A. Because it scares their dogs.

Q. What do you get if you cross an owl with a hedgehog?
A. A prick that stays up all night.

Q. What's big, red, and slimy?
A. An inside-out elephant.
Q. What do you call an elephant's tampon?
A. A sheep.

Q. Why do elephants wear sandals?
A. So that they don't sink in the sand.
Q. Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A. So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q. How did Tarzan die?
A. Picking cherries.
Q. Why do ostriches stick their heads in the ground?
A. To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals

 

[melody]

Fertilizer Club

This letter is being sent to you because we know that you are critically interested in the condition of your lawn. This is a fertilizer club that will not cost you a cent to join! Upon receipt of this letter, go to the address at the top of the list and shit on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there, so do not feel embarrassed.

Then make five copies of this letter and send them to five of your friends who appreciate a good lawn. Add your name to the letter. You will not get any money or cheques, but within one week , if this chain is not broken, there will be 9,126 people shitting on your lawn. Your reward will come next spring when you will have one of the greenest, most beautiful lawns in the neighbourhood.

Mrs. Harry Butt - 236 Corn Cob Alley
Mrs. Smelly B. Hind - 475 Diarrhea Way
Mrs. Apple Crop - 1422 Enema Drive
Mrs. Bigger Movement - 89 Rectum Road
Mr. Go More Piles - 741 Hemorrhoid Street
Mr. C. Howie Farts - Whistle Britches Ave.
Mr. & Mrs. Charlie Springer - 2 Suppository Lane
Mr. & Mrs. Took A. Fizzik - 634 Running Loose Lane

P.S. If you are constipated, pass this along to your neighbor. Don’t break the chain. One Man didn’t give a shit and lost his entire lawn. Best wishes for a greener lawn, and more fun at your lawn parties!!!
-----------
Little Johnny was looking through the family album and asked his mother,
"Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly
hair?"

"That's your father," she replied.

"Then who's that old bald-headed fat bastard who lives with us now?"
retorted Little Johnny.