JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

Another Little Johnny

The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted some
students to tell a brief story about summer vacation. Several students
eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny. The teacher asked
Alice to tell a story.

"We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation" Alice said. "We
rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was
fun."

The teacher asked for another volunteer, several students eagerly
raised
their hands including little Johnny. She was afraid to call on little
Johnny because he swore a lot in last years classroom. The teacher
chose Fred to tell a story.

"My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We
stopped
at a small pond, I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest
trout we'd ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it
was great!" Fred reported.

"That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer". Several students
were waving their hands. The teacher felt sorry for Little Johnny and
wanted to give him another chance. "My Dad and I went on a deer hunting
trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot
it right in the asshole" Little Johnny said.

The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum" she said.

"Wrecked 'im, you bet it wrecked 'im...shot his balls clean off."

{}{}{}{}{}

There once was this guy called Mike,
who met this chick he really liked,
He tried to get near,
and she gave him a sneer,
cause the chick was a full-fledged dyke.

{}{}{}{}{}

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Ted, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Ted says: "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants...!"


CARTOON CHARACTER JOKES

1) Mickey Mouse murdered Minnie Mouse after he discovered she was having an affair with another Walt Disney character. In court, the judge asked Mickey's barrister, "Why did he do it?"
"Mickey said to me that she was insane." replied the barrister.
"Insane?" replied Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy!"

2) Donald Duck walked into a chemist and asked for a packet of condoms.
"Certainly Sir," said the lady behind the counter, "shall I put them on your bill?"
"NO WAY!" replied Donald Duck, "What do you think I am a dickhead!"

3) What happened when Moses went to mount Olive?
Popeye beat the living crap out of him!

4) What do you call Woody Woodpecker if his beak fell off?
Woody Headbanger (Or a top cock sucker!)

5) What does Winnie the Pooh and Jack the ripper have in common?
The same middle name!

6) What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged!

7) What is the part of Popeye that never rusts?
His dick. Because he always puts it in Olive Oil!

8) What's Smurf sex?
Fucking until you are blue in the face!

9) What fruit has seven dents?
Snow White's cherry!

10) How did Captain Hook Die.
Jock itch!

11) What did the seven dwarfs say when the handsome Prince awoke Snow White?
"Well, I guess it's back to wanking guys!"

12) What's black and jumps up and down in a forest fire?
Winnie the Pooh!

13) What goes "Tweet, Tweet, Ping!"
Tweetie pie in a microwave oven!

14) "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf!" said Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumped up and ran away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he was crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr Wolf!" said Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumped up and ran away.
Some distance down the track, Little Red Riding Hood again encountered the wolf, this time crouched behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf!" taunted Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumped up and screamed, "Will you fuck off! I'm trying to take a shit!"

15) What do you have when you have one green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other?
Total control of the Incredible Hulk!

16) What did Pocahantas say to Pinnochio when she sat on his face?
"Tell the truth, tell a lie, tell the truth............!"

---------- Post added at 10:45 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 10:44 PM ----------

Another Little Johnny

The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted some
students to tell a brief story about summer vacation. Several students
eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny. The teacher asked
Alice to tell a story.

"We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation" Alice said. "We
rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was
fun."

The teacher asked for another volunteer, several students eagerly
raised
their hands including little Johnny. She was afraid to call on little
Johnny because he swore a lot in last years classroom. The teacher
chose Fred to tell a story.

"My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We
stopped
at a small pond, I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest
trout we'd ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it
was great!" Fred reported.

"That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer". Several students
were waving their hands. The teacher felt sorry for Little Johnny and
wanted to give him another chance. "My Dad and I went on a deer hunting
trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot
it right in the asshole" Little Johnny said.

The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum" she said.

"Wrecked 'im, you bet it wrecked 'im...shot his balls clean off."

{}{}{}{}{}

There once was this guy called Mike,
who met this chick he really liked,
He tried to get near,
and she gave him a sneer,
cause the chick was a full-fledged dyke.

{}{}{}{}{}

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Ted, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Ted says: "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants...!"


CARTOON CHARACTER JOKES

1) Mickey Mouse murdered Minnie Mouse after he discovered she was having an affair with another Walt Disney character. In court, the judge asked Mickey's barrister, "Why did he do it?"
"Mickey said to me that she was insane." replied the barrister.
"Insane?" replied Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy!"

2) Donald Duck walked into a chemist and asked for a packet of condoms.
"Certainly Sir," said the lady behind the counter, "shall I put them on your bill?"
"NO WAY!" replied Donald Duck, "What do you think I am a dickhead!"

3) What happened when Moses went to mount Olive?
Popeye beat the living crap out of him!

4) What do you call Woody Woodpecker if his beak fell off?
Woody Headbanger (Or a top cock sucker!)

5) What does Winnie the Pooh and Jack the ripper have in common?
The same middle name!

6) What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged!

7) What is the part of Popeye that never rusts?
His dick. Because he always puts it in Olive Oil!

8) What's Smurf sex?
Fucking until you are blue in the face!

9) What fruit has seven dents?
Snow White's cherry!

10) How did Captain Hook Die.
Jock itch!

11) What did the seven dwarfs say when the handsome Prince awoke Snow White?
"Well, I guess it's back to wanking guys!"

12) What's black and jumps up and down in a forest fire?
Winnie the Pooh!

13) What goes "Tweet, Tweet, Ping!"
Tweetie pie in a microwave oven!

14) "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf!" said Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumped up and ran away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he was crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr Wolf!" said Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumped up and ran away.
Some distance down the track, Little Red Riding Hood again encountered the wolf, this time crouched behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf!" taunted Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumped up and screamed, "Will you fuck off! I'm trying to take a shit!"

15) What do you have when you have one green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other?
Total control of the Incredible Hulk!

16) What did Pocahantas say to Pinnochio when she sat on his face?
"Tell the truth, tell a lie, tell the truth............!"

---------- Post added at 10:45 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 10:45 PM ----------

Another Little Johnny

The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted some
students to tell a brief story about summer vacation. Several students
eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny. The teacher asked
Alice to tell a story.

"We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation" Alice said. "We
rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was
fun."

The teacher asked for another volunteer, several students eagerly
raised
their hands including little Johnny. She was afraid to call on little
Johnny because he swore a lot in last years classroom. The teacher
chose Fred to tell a story.

"My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We
stopped
at a small pond, I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest
trout we'd ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it
was great!" Fred reported.

"That nice Fred, now how about another volunteer". Several students
were waving their hands. The teacher felt sorry for Little Johnny and
wanted to give him another chance. "My Dad and I went on a deer hunting
trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot
it right in the asshole" Little Johnny said.

The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum" she said.

"Wrecked 'im, you bet it wrecked 'im...shot his balls clean off."

{}{}{}{}{}

There once was this guy called Mike,
who met this chick he really liked,
He tried to get near,
and she gave him a sneer,
cause the chick was a full-fledged dyke.

{}{}{}{}{}

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Ted, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Ted says: "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants...!"


CARTOON CHARACTER JOKES

1) Mickey Mouse murdered Minnie Mouse after he discovered she was having an affair with another Walt Disney character. In court, the judge asked Mickey's barrister, "Why did he do it?"
"Mickey said to me that she was insane." replied the barrister.
"Insane?" replied Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy!"

2) Donald Duck walked into a chemist and asked for a packet of condoms.
"Certainly Sir," said the lady behind the counter, "shall I put them on your bill?"
"NO WAY!" replied Donald Duck, "What do you think I am a dickhead!"

3) What happened when Moses went to mount Olive?
Popeye beat the living crap out of him!

4) What do you call Woody Woodpecker if his beak fell off?
Woody Headbanger (Or a top cock sucker!)

5) What does Winnie the Pooh and Jack the ripper have in common?
The same middle name!

6) What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged!

7) What is the part of Popeye that never rusts?
His dick. Because he always puts it in Olive Oil!

8) What's Smurf sex?
Fucking until you are blue in the face!

9) What fruit has seven dents?
Snow White's cherry!

10) How did Captain Hook Die.
Jock itch!

11) What did the seven dwarfs say when the handsome Prince awoke Snow White?
"Well, I guess it's back to wanking guys!"

12) What's black and jumps up and down in a forest fire?
Winnie the Pooh!

13) What goes "Tweet, Tweet, Ping!"
Tweetie pie in a microwave oven!

14) "My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf!" said Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumped up and ran away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he was crouched behind a tree stump.
"My, what big ears you have Mr Wolf!" said Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumped up and ran away.
Some distance down the track, Little Red Riding Hood again encountered the wolf, this time crouched behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf!" taunted Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumped up and screamed, "Will you fuck off! I'm trying to take a shit!"

15) What do you have when you have one green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other?
Total control of the Incredible Hulk!

16) What did Pocahantas say to Pinnochio when she sat on his face?
"Tell the truth, tell a lie, tell the truth............!"
 
A Helping Hand

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself.
He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was
playing herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and
offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the man started
playing her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was
surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.
Wasn't I good enough?"
he asked sheepishly. "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still
itching!"

::::::

It was a hot day in Iowa. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a
roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry
cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked
down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so
she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and
asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it
is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer." The bartender
asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine,
tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

::::::

A gay guy walks into the grocery store and heads
back towards the meat department. After a few
moments of looking at the merchandise, the
butcher asks him if he would like to place an order.

The gay guy says yes and promptly orders 5 pounds
of salami. The butcher asks him if he would like that
sliced, to which the gay guy replies,

"Does my arsehole look like a piggy bank?"

::::::

What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with
yeast infections? A whine and cheese party!

Hidden Signs Of ******!

The trick to successful ****** is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."

1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
- No foreplay.

2. Can't hail a cab.
- Impotent.

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
- Prefers virgins.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way.
- He is a virgin.

5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
- Will swallow.

6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
- Has trouble reaching orgasm.

7. Insists on ordering for you, saying, "The lady will have..."
- Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

8. Asks for "the usual"
- Insists on missionary position only.

9. Asks what the specials are.
- Will want you to use handcuffs.

10. Fills up on bread and crackers.
- Premature ejaculator.

11. Drinks decaf.
- Fakes orgasms.

12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
- Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

13. Credit card is refused.
- Low sperm count.

14. Under tips waiter.
- Small penis.

15. Uses toothpick.
- Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.

=========

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd
scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy
restaurant. Once at the fancy place, to his dismay she ordered
almost every most expensive item on the menu. She ordered
appetizers (everything from Calamari to Escargot), lobster, prime
rib, champagne, the works! Finally he asked her, "Does your mother
feed you like this at home?" "No," she answered, "but my mother
isn't expecting me to suck her cock."
 
How To Keep A Woman Happy...

Oh what a man must go through.............
How to make a woman happy?
It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest (white lies okay)
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
50, keep the heat up

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

1. Feed him
2. Fuck him
3. and Shut the fuck up.


THE DO'S AND DON'T'S OF JERKING OFF!

Do jerk off as much as you like. Don't worry you won't go blind from
jerking off unless you shoot sperm in your eye.

Do try to put yourself in an area where you won't be caught.

Do have a place to shoot your load already set up.

Do hide your spankerchief so no one can find it.

Do jerk off in the shower, as this will hide any and all evidence of
your perverted behavior.

Do drink cranberry juice as often as you can. This builds up your sperm
count incredibly!

Do not get sperm on yourself.

Do not shoot your load on a thick rug and then try to clean it up with
toilet paper.

Do not hold your load in as long as you can in hopes that you'll shoot
it across the room. This can cause irreversible damage to your johnson.

Do not flex your legs too hard before you blow your load or you'll get a
cramp and ruin the moment.

Do not use your porn magazines as your spankerchief. That is future jerk
off material and if you spunk in it, you won't be able to use it again!

Do not ever jerk off while taking a shit. That is fucking disgusting!

Do not attempt to stick your finger in your ass while jerking off. That
would make you gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with that)

Do not use Icy Hot for lubrication!

Do not, under any circumstances, try to shoot your load into your own
mouth! (unless you're gay then it's ok)

Do not participate in any group jerk off sessions or any circle jerk
events. If you do, don't get anyone else's sperm on you.

ggg

TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES

1. Sag, You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc Goose
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners

ggg

Q: What did the tampon say to the other tampon in school?
A: I'll see you next period.

"It's my code," says a mailman named Drew,
"To unzip, then deliver a screw.
If virgins, when nervous,
Resist postal service,
I explain that the male must get through."
 
I turn on my computer and I'm looking for some action.
I see my online lover and beg for satisfaction.

We go to a private room and you know what happens next.
We think and type and talk about different kinds of sex.


Just about 9 days pass and I find I'm feeling ill.
Maalox, Pepto NOTHING will make my stomach chill.

I mention it to my online love & we try to figure it out.
A few more days have passed & my stomach's sticking out!

So, now my head is spinning I don't know what to do.
I'm having sex with no one, EXCEPT...my online boo.

No, wait just a minute. Please tell me this can't be!
He cannot get me pregnant by having cyber sex with me!

I call the local clinic and explain the situation.
All the nurses laugh at me, I'm crying in frustration.
My stomach's getting bigger with every passing day.
Who would have thought you could get pregnant this way?

A pregnancy test was taken, it came back with a yes.
I Instant messaged my online lover and put him to the test.
I told him of my feelings and all my gaining weight.
I told him we were parents and gave him my due date.

When all the shock was over, he gave me an online *kiss*.
He told me that he loved me & he'd help me get through this.
My stomach starts to ache I go run to my mom.
I feel the need and start to push & out pops a CD ROM!!

I put it in the computer and while I wait, I pace.
When soon on my computer, comes a beautiful baby's face!
You know this story's fiction but before you take a risk,
put on a cyber condom...before you get some cyber dick!

It seemed soooo real


*****

Having a man in your life is like a deck of cards ...
You need a heart to love them
You need a diamond to marry them
You need a club to beat them
And you need a spade to bury the bastards


Dog Food

A middle aged woman stopped at the local grocery store each day for
months, she always bought just one large can of dog food. One day the
grocery clerk ask the woman what kind of dog she had? she replied, I
don't have a dog, my husband eats this for his lunch each day and he
likes it. The clerk said, madam this is not fit for human consumption,
it could make him sick, maybe even kill him. The woman purchased the
dog food and left.
This continued daily for months, then she stopped coming into
the store. Several week later she stopped in and bought a loaf of
bread, the clerk ask if she wanted any dog food, she replied,
no, my husband passed away several weeks ago. The clerk said I tried to
warn you, that dog food could kill your husband. The woman said, OH,
the dog food had nothing to do with it, he was crossing the road and
stopped to lick his ass, and was hit by a car.

o0o0o0o0o0

Q: What do you call a lesbian Eskimo?
A: A klondyke,

o0o0o0o0o0


Blonde Moments!

The blonde teen-age girl had long been infatuated with a popular local
disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open
house. When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he
took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants. "I suppose you know what
this is?" he whispered.
"I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her
mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky,Bobby, Tina and the whole gang
down at Danny's Pizzeria."
 
Jacob Levy

Jacob Levy Had finished his hawking rounds for the week and had done very well.
So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a well-known
King's Cross brothel. The Madam said, 'Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over
there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15.' Jacob
decided to spend $10 and had a marvelous time.
More than twenty years later his wife had died and he felt lonely so once again he went
to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a
friendly reunion. Whereupon a huge youngster of about 20 appeared and called out,
'Mum, is this guy bothering you?'
'No, no,' said the Madam, 'in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father.'
'What?' said John, 'this little Jewish bloke's my father?'
To which Jacob responded, 'Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd
have been a Chinaman.'

++++++++++

A strange-looking old man walked into a funeral home and said to the mortician,
"I'll give you $100 for the vagina of the blonde lying in the casket in the front room."
The mortician looked at the guy like he was nuts. "Are you crazy?" he said, "I could
lose my license."
"How about $200, then?"
The mortician debated with himself, then said, "All right, you've got a deal, but keep
it quiet, okay?" Locking the doors and pulling the drapes, he went hurriedly to work,
scalpel in hand.
In minutes, he was holding the dripping pussy at arm's length, and he asked nervously,
"How do you want it wrapped?"
"Don't sweat it," the old guy said. "I'll eat it here."


Jewish Or Black?

Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.
His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny says,
"Mum, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father",
his mother tells him.
So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,
"Dad, am I more Jewish or more black?"
"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want
to know if you're more Jewish of black?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle
for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till its dark
and steel the fucking thing!"

--------

A Tasmanian girl asked her dad if she could borrow his car that night so she could go
out with her friends. Her father replied "only if you suck my dick." The daughter thought
about this and decided she really needed the car, so she said alright. As she was sucking
she stopped and said "YUCK! this taste like shit!" to this her father replied "Oh, I forgot
to tell you, your brothers got the car tonight!"

--------

George Carlin is really a wit,
With his seven words that give censors the fit(s),
They are Shit, Motherfucker,
Piss and Cocksucker,
And don't forget Cunt, Fuck, and Tit(s)!
 
Stranded On An Island

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead,
and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and
estimated about 20 miles to shore.

So she announced, "Im going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out
five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles and got so
tired that she couldn't go on. She drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made
it?"
"I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and
starve." So she attempts to swim out.

The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out

10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired
to go on, so she drowned,

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it?" "I think
I'd better try to make it too." So she swam out 5 miles, 10 miles, 15
miles, 19 miles from the island.

The shore was just in sight but she said, "Im too tired to go on!"
So she swam back.
============================================
What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A Space Invader

What's a blondes favorite rock group?
Air Supply

============================================

A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"

Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you." Paw hollers, "Maw
get yourself in here!" Paw then says, "Maw, take your clothes off and
get on the bed. Now spread your legs."

Paw says, "Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"

In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims,

"What is going on?"

Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex."

Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?"

Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"


Wintry Weather

December 8 - 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in
the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My
neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man,
I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped
to - 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snow plow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would
have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in
shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear end on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for
an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't
admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the darn stuff
last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The darn snow plow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got
undressed, use the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to
shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest
of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the idiot is
lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snow plow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
gun who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
rear and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he
comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all
over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy
watching for the darned snow plow.

December 25

Merry Bah-humbug Christmas! 20 more inches of the darn stuff
tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
Ohh, I hate the snow! Then the snow plow driver came by asking for
a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a idiot. If I have to
watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her
into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER
idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to - 30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after
14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace
all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above - 20. Still snowed in. That WITCH is driving me
crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave
in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think
I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing
me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his rear. The wife
went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving
me. Why am I tied to the bed?
 
Getting Married

A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great." She says, "But, Ma, he's an
Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are
going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab
sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass.
Day and night,that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got
married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a
silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

'''''
The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!

'''''
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?

Confucious say...Man with athletic fingers-makes broad jump!

'''''
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?"
The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your
mother, 'cause I still have mine."

Stranded On An Island

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead,
and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and
estimated about 20 miles to shore.

So she announced, "Im going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out
five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles and got so
tired that she couldn't go on. She drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made
it?"
"I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and
starve." So she attempts to swim out.

The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out

10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired
to go on, so she drowned,

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it?" "I think
I'd better try to make it too." So she swam out 5 miles, 10 miles, 15
miles, 19 miles from the island.

The shore was just in sight but she said, "Im too tired to go on!"
So she swam back.
============================================
What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A Space Invader

What's a blondes favorite rock group?
Air Supply
============================================

A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"

Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you." Paw hollers, "Maw
get yourself in here!" Paw then says, "Maw, take your clothes off and
get on the bed. Now spread your legs."

Paw says, "Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"

In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims,

"What is going on?"

Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex."

Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?"

Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"
 
An Amish Boy

A young Amish boy, Little Johnny, is sitting on his bed reading
The Bible. Suddenly, his father storms in, grabs him and drags
him out into the pasture. In the pasture is one sheep chewing
grass. His father points to the sheep and says, "Thou hast had
sex with yon sheep!"

Little Johnny kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did
indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast."

Saddened his father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know
this... there will be REAL trouble if I taste it again!!!"

TTTTT

Two kids playing in a lane found a donkey who had died with a
hard on.

Being the mischievous kind of boys, they cut off the donkey's
dick and began brandishing it in the air.

Just then, a police officer on his bicycle came up the lane, and
the boys not wanting to be caught with it, tossed it over the
wall of the Nunnery.

Sister Agnes and Sister Mary taking their afternoon stroll found
the dick in the bushes. "Oh sweet Jesus," says Sister Agnes.

"What's wrong?" asks Sister Mary. "You've gone as white as a
sheet."

"It's those dirty protestant bastards," Sister Agnes replies.
"They have murdered Father O'Toole!"

TTTTT

Bear and Rabbit are side by side, shitting in the woods. Bear
looks at Rabbit and asks, "Do you have trouble with shit
sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit says, "No, not at all."

So the Bear picks up the Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.


Nasty Miscellaneous

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get
naked, and start fingering themselves and each other. After a few
minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they
measure the slimy outline she leaves. The second one then squats on
the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which
is even bigger. The third one squats on the table, but when she
stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."
=======
There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, "Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."

My dental hygienist, Faye Ray,
Said, "Travis, eat pussy each day;
Your gums will be stronger,
Your teeth will last longer,
Coz pussy prevents tooth decay!"

On the banks of the Thames stood lord Buckingham
Dreaming of tits and of sucking them
While watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks who were fuckin' 'em
=======
Three prostitutes are chatting in a bar one night and the topic comes up on how loose they are.

The first one says, "Oh, three fingers."

The second says, "Gotcha beat, my whole fist!"

The third one just laughed and slid down the bar stool.
=======
Pick-Up Line: "That blouse looks very becoming on you, but if I were
on you, I'd be coming too."

======
"How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?"

"It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he
had a premature ejaculation."

"What did he say when it occurred?"

"He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across."
 
The Prize

An aging prostitute had so many men that no longer could she be
satisfied. Before retiring she staged a contest and offered a thousand
dollar prize to any man who could bring her to orgasm. All the men in
town lined up to try. From the Mayor to the courthouse janitor, no one
could make her cum. She was sadly disappointed and ready to give up
when a midget showed up to try. Much to her surprise the little fellow
gave her the thrill of her life, and walked away with the thousand
dollars. All of the other men were amazed and demanded to know his
secret. The Midget finally fessed up, "I stuck my head in her pussy,
wiggled my ears and vomited."

vvvvv

Two school-kids around Aberystwyth
Made love with the lips that they kissed with
But as they got older
They also grew bolder
Making love with the things that they pissed with

vvvvv

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South.
He got a ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After
riding about 30 miles in silence,the youth finally said,
"Well, aren't you going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.

"If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth.

"Don't matter," replied the trucker. "I'm gonna fuck ya'
anyway."


They Are Keepers If You Hear Them Say...



She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .

* I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
* I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!
* This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
* Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wet spot.
* Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.
* That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again?
* I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.
* You're my daddy! You're my daddy!
* The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
* Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
* While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
* Bar food again!? Kick ass.
* I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl- friend has class.
* That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
* I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
* I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!
* Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
* I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?
* It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
* Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Chuck's bare ass!
* My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
* I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
* Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
* You are so much smarter than my father.
* If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.


He's A Keeper If You Hear A Man Say...

* I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
* I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
* Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
* I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
* No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
* Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.
* I understand.
* This movie has too much nudity.
* Damn, we're late for church.
* No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
* Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
* Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
 
Really Kinky Experience

So this guy goes out looking for the skankiest, sleaziest whore he can find, because he wants a REALLY kinky experience. So he finds one and takes her up to a cheap motel room.
He gets down between her legs to go down on her and to his delight, there is a septic boil between her pussy and her asshole. He starts sucking the puss out of it.
After about 10 minutes she exclaims: "I have to piss."
"It's okay," he answers, "piss on me." So she does, and he drinks it, letting some dribble down his chin.
A little later she says "Sorry, but I have diarrhea -- I really have to go."
"It's okay," he answers, "do it on me." So she does, and he lets it go all over his mouth and face, and smears it all over himself, and swallows some of it.
So he's REALLY into it, licking the shit and piss and pus off her pussy and ass, when he glances up and notices she's picking her nose. He jumps up and shouts:
"What are you trying to DO, bitch?! Gross me out?!"

You know how your Mommy used to kiss you good night?
Think about it . . . she might have just finished giving Daddy a blow job . . .
Yo' mama's so fat that after I fucked her I rolled over twice and I was still on the bitch.
A woman is on the witness stand testifying:
"I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a garbage can... I...I don't even remember what happened next..."
The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make something up!"


Roommates

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night
right after the semester started they all had all gone out
on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same
time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her
face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come
home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's
nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come
home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and
didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached
under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against
the wall, where they stuck with a loud noise.

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible.
What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me
$50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months.
No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!"
"Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a fucking
dime!!
 
Delivery Room

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.”

The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

///////

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her young daughter walks in. "Mommy, where do babies come from?" After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, "Well, dear, a girl and a boy fall in love and get married. Then, one night they go into their room, hug and kiss, and have sex." The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues, "That means that daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, dear." The child replies, "But, the other night when I came into your bedroom, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, Mommy?" "Jewelry, dear."

///////

A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner........Once she stops sucking......Change the fucking bag

///////

A family are driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarrased, and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"

///////

Man goes into brothel in Amsterdam and asks the madam for the fattest bird with the saggiest tits and a minge like a ripped out old fireplace, the madam says "feeling kinky sir?"
"No" replies the man, "just fucking homesick" !


Things To Remember

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you
to wash your hands in between either.

When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider ****** outside
the family.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the
recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal
and sincere.

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the
now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge
on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't
looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll learn him.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things
that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...she thought General Motors was in the army.
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
...she studied for a blood test.
...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
...she sold the car for gas money!
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
 
"Do I look Fat" Responses

"Not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

"Does this tie make me look stupid?"

"No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!"

"I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an 'f' or
phat with a 'ph.'"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance
out."

"No, but taking it *off* sure does."

"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way
on the comparison I am about to make."

"Not if you were traveling at the speed of light."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea
captains."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

&&&

My Very First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I



Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do



Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine



I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast



I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart



And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came



At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow!


A Local Strip Club

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling
or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing
himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his
usual Budwieser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says,
"You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink
Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League.
We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around
Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming
at him.

The cabby turns his head and says,
"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave!"
*****

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel. The
madam says to her, "Do you have any questions?" The hooker replies,
" Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?" The madam
says, "The same as the short ones."
*****

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
*****

A blonde goes over to her friends' house wearing a T.G.I.F.
tee-shirt. "Why are you wearing a 'Thank God it's Friday' tee- shirt
on Monday?" "Oh damn!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant 'Tits Go
In Front'!"
*****

Little Miss Druggy sat in her buggy,
Smoking an ounce of weed.
Along came a spider
Who sat down beside her
And sold her a pound of speed.
 
Blonde Moments

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?"

A blonde at a party was telling her friend that she was off men for life. "They lie, they cheat and they're just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator"
"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend
"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."


Sadie, a blonde, sent the following email to all her women friends.
"Dear All, I hate hoax warnings, but this one is important! Please send this warning to all the women friends in your email address book: -
If a man comes to your front door saying he is conducting a survey and asks you to take off your clothes, dont do it. Its a scam. He only wants to see you naked.
PS I wish I had got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now.

Two blondes were comparing their experiences at the company's annual Christmas party.
"Did you get laid, Sherry ?"
"Twice."
"Only twice?"
"Yeah, once by the band and once by the accounting department!


Breast Fed

A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The
doctor examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed
or bottle fed?"

"Breast fed," replied the woman.

"Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts.
He squeezed and pulled each one for a while and then he sucked hard on
each nipple. Finally he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering
from malnutrition. You don't have any milk!"

"That's right," said the woman. "This is my sister's child."

"Well," said the startled doctor. "I had no idea. You shouldn't have
come."

"I didn't," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second
breast."

0000000

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never
smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least
20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was
farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still
silent... stink terribly."

"Good!" the doctor says, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."

0000000

This guy goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a lady
sitting by herself.
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Lady: "No thank you. Alcohol has a bad side-effect on for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Lady: "No, they spread."
 
Things Not To Say During Sex...
Part 1

1.. Is it in?
2.. That's it?
3.. You've got to be kidding me.
4.. (Phone rings) Hello? Oh, nothing, and you?
5.. Do I have to pay for this?
6.. Do I have to call you tomorrow?
7.. Oh momma, momma!
8.. Oh dadda, dadda!
9.. You look better in the dark.
10.. This is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11.. I thought that goes in the other hole...
12.. Don't tell my husband/wife.
13.. You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
14.. This sucks.
15.. Can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16.. I hope you
don't expect a raise for this...
17.. I think you might get the job for
this.
18.. Damn! Is that all you know what to do.
19.. Did I tell you, I
have herpes?
20.. Now we must get married.
21.. Hurry up, the game's
about to start.
22.. I'm hungry.
23.. I'm thirsty.
24.. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25.. Are you trying to be funny?
26.. Can I have a ride home after this?
27.. Are those real?
28.. By the way, I want to break up.
29.. Is that
smell coming from you?
30.. Haven't you ever done this before?
31.. Wow!
I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32.. Do you know what
some female spiders do after sex?
33.. You're so much like your
sister...
34.. Your mom's cute.
35.. What's your name again?
36.. Do I
have to be here in the morning?
37.. A second time? I barely stayed
awake the first time!
38.. But you just started!
39.. You're about as
good as a 9 year old, and I should know!
40.. Don't touch that!
41.. Can
we order a pizza?
42.. I think my dad is listening at the door.


DADS 8 SIMPLE RULES FOR ****** HIS DAUGHTER

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to lay hands on his daughter.

He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.


Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're certainly not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do This. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be ******. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.


My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory.

I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it, and the cost is prohibitive.)

I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
 
Ladies, What Kind Of Dick Are You Getting?

MISERABLE DICK - When the guy is extremely handsome. He says the right things and does the right things. When it comes to sex, he is lacking in this department. He sucks your tits too hard, kisses your mouth too long, stays around your neck forever. He fingers you like a GYN Doctor, licks your pussy like he's in a track meet and has a very small dick. You try to give him some head, only to find that you are actually sucking a pacifier. This is so miserable. You think, "how can a guy so fine, so polite be so weak" To top everything off ladies, how about just when in your mind you're going to try to get the best out of this, even if you have to make yourself cum, and he beats you to the punch.

DAMN TOLERABLE DICK - This is funny dick. He eats major pussy. He eats it so good, your knees feel a little weak. It was good enough to make you shed a tear. Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that you cannot really feel it!! His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic. You work with it by riding on it as if you were in a wild wild west film. You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick. It's funny because in the man's mind he'll say, that we just have big pussies from having too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him. Only for them to forget that the pussy is a muscle that accommodates the size of the penis.

INTERNET DICK - Well, how would we define this type of dick? You see, online they talk a damn good game, but you never know what to expect in person. Then you meet and you fuck and the dick is trash. They talk the bottom out of it, but HE COULD NOT MAKE YOU CUM!!!

OVERWHELMED DICK - I believe this dick ladies we all can testify to. Whoa! This is the type of dick you misjudged. You saw some signs of weakness in this man. He always caters to you and really does not discuss what he can do in bed with you. When kissing him, you notice you make his knees weak. You hold out on giving him some and tease him. You know what size dick he has because you have either:
(a) Already gave him some mean ass head, or
(b) Stroked it while he was wearing pants or boxers.
So, you thought in your mind, "I am going to whip him." Only to find he laid the "SMACK DOWN" on your pussy. He had you in a figure eight. You were so overwhelmed that you could not even speak. Your Whole pre-calculated fuck was down the drain. He had more game than you. He was like an energizer bunny that keep going and going and you kept cumming and cumming. Now you look at him in a different light.

PUNISHABLE DICK - You see, the guy you're sleeping with punishes your pussy. If he has a bad day at work he "punishes your pussy". If he has a bad meal, "he punishes your pussy". If he is pissed off at you, he punishes your pussy." No matter what, he "punishes your pussy". It is easy to tell if the guy you're with falls into this category. He always uses phrases like these when he is fucking you: "DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?" "TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?", "WHO'S PUSSY IS THIS?","I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' SHIT NOW", "YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS PUSSY DON'T YA?".

GUILTY DICK - The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man. Ladies who have cheated on their man temporarily can say, "AMEN" to this type of dick. Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and confess to your man you fucked someone else. The guilty dick made you want to tell somebody. Guilty dick is in a class of its own. Guilty dick will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home. Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms. Makes you cry and you have no clue to why. This dick is so intense, when it is being administered It sends you into a trance. He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you, Asks you if your comfortable about six times, you started at 6PM and it Is now going on 9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet. The lips on your pussy are so swollen that if you got outta bed they would be draggin' the ground. It hurt so good. He licks on your pussy as if he was a baby cat licking warm milk, he savors it like you're the main course meal. He smells it like fine wine. By now you're in shock and forget about your man. He has at least two inches more than your man. When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform like guilty dick. You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct him to do what guilty dick did to you.

PLEASURABLE DICK - This is good convent. Easy dick. Dick you can call when your body needs a fix. He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK, and fucks you like GUILTY DICK. Only thing is, you do not have a man so you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this dick is ready. His dick craves your pussy. This dick is available in any place at anytime.

GOTDAMN DICK - Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you to hell if you're not married to it. This dick is just like PLEASURABLE and GUILTY DICK. His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has the circumference of a half dollar. This dick makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time. While he is getting it doggy style, you look towards the heavens and say, "GOTDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".

CAP'N DICK - This is the gold mine dick. This dick is the dick that you commit yourself too. You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it. When you get this dick, you go through convulsions. This is the dick that makes you EVERREADY. You call in sick from work for it. This dick is so major it is OVERWHELMED DICK, PLEASURABLE DICK, GUILTY DICK and GOTDAMN DICK all in one. This is the dick that you want to put insurance on, just in case anything should happen to it. This dick makes you stutter while speaking and has you nervous for no reason. You lay back afterwards thinking "THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA, GOTTA TELLS SOMEBODY, ANYBODY DICK"

Now ladies, which one would/do you have?!!!

Daily Wet Dream

Taking down your panties
While looking at your face
On my knees in front of you
I know I've found my place

I smile as I breathe you in
My lungs fill with your scent
I taste you with my tongue tip

Then slowly press it in

Your pink, moist flesh surrounds it
As it pushes inside
You feel the firmness of it
As it continues on it's slide

Until it's almost swimming
In a pool of flowing cum
I am fucking you wildly
With my hungry, eager tongue

Pulling back a little
I start sucking your clit
Flicking at it quickly
Then my lips take hold of it

I tug it gently to me
Then leave it with a kiss
But I am selfish for you
And want much more of this

I just can't get enough of you
I suck and suck and succckkkk
Until my mouth is aching
And now I want to fuck

I get between your legs and rub
My head against your mound
Teasing at it playfully
Before I send it down

Slowly I push into you
Your pussy wraps my cock
I'm alllllll the way inside of you
Until our crotches lock

I start slowly pumping up and down
Then begin fucking you HARD
While looking in your eyes
And telling you how hot you are

Your legs come up around me
Your fingers clutch my back
I keep pushing into your pussy
As much as I can pack

Until I feel a trembling
And send a stream of cum
Deep into your belly
I stay there 'til I'm done

After I give it all to you
I need to suck you out
My mustache is soaked with you
Your juices fill my mouth

I kiss your lips tenderly
A long kiss that will last
Are you ready for more baby?
'Cause next I'm going to do your ass
 
One More Day

A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. The next day the doctor
calls him back to the office and says "I have some really bad news
for you. I have checked this result with several of my colleagues
and we have come to the same result. I'm sorry to say you only have
one more day to live." The guy is shocked. He ends up in a bar for
the remainder of the day trying to decide what he should do for the
remaining day of his life. He finally decides he will go home and make
wild and passionate love to his wife before he leaves this earth. When
the guy gets home that evening he sneaks into the bedroom and takes off
all his clothes and crawls into bed. For three hours he has sex like he
has never had sex before. After he is finished he is completely exhausted
and crawls to the bathroom, completely spent. Upon opening the bathroom
door he is surprised to see his wife in the bathroom with a mudpack over
her face. He asked puzzledly "How did you get in here." His wife then says
"SHHH!!! You'll wake my mother..."
=======
Q: What is the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A: The toilet won't follow you around for three months when you're finished using it.
Q: Why is a turd better than a woman?
A: Because after you lay a turd you don't have to hug and kiss it.
Q: What tastes good on pie but not on pussy?
A: Crust.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?
A: Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been colored in yet.
=======

There once was a man from Bandoo
Who fell asleep in a canoe
He dreamed of Venus
And played with his penis
And woke up with a hand full of goo

There once was a girl named Jill
Who used dynamite for a thrill
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House

Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.

Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.

Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night
and ask if you can use the bathroom.

Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.

Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.

Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.

Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived
their daughter.

Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.

Pretend to eat your arm.

Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

()()()()()

A little girl was playing up a tree near a church.
The priest was taking a walk when he happened
to look up the tree and saw the little girl.

She had no panties on, so he called her down and
gave her two dollars to buy a pair of panties.
The girl was so happy that she ran home and told
her mother about it.

The next day, when the priest was taking his daily
walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young
girl's mother up there. She had no panties on, either.

He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy
a razor!

()()()()()

Q: What is the definition of Blood, Sweat, and Tears?
A: A leaky blonde standing in front of a tampon machine
with a bent quarter.

Q: Why did the faggot get naked and cover himself with whipped cream?
A: He was going to the costume party as a wet dream.

Q: What's the best thing about ****** a blonde?
A: She shuts up the second you put your dick in her mouth.

Q: What's the worst thing about ****** a blonde?
A: She starts talking again the second you take your dick out of her mouth.

Q: Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker?
A: In case they have to draw blood.
 
Yo Mama's So Skinny...

Yo mama's so skinny, I could blind-fold her with dental floss.
Yo mama's so skinny, her nipples touch.
Yo mama's so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo mama's so skinny, she looks like a mic stand.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a sesame seed on her head, she'd look like a push pin.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, she would look like a zipper.
Yo mama's so skinny, when she wore her yellow dress, she looked like a #2 pencil.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can see out the peephole with both eyes.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can dodge rain drops.
Yo mama's so skinny, she only has one stripe on her pajamas.
Yo mama's so skinny, she has to wear skis in the shower.
Yo mama's so skinny, she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
Yo mama's so skinny, when she takes a bath and lets the water out, her toes get caught in the drain.
Yo mama's so shinny, she had to stand in the same place twice to cast a shadow.
Yo mama's so skinny, I gave her a piece of popcorn and she went into a coma.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a yeast infection she'd be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can hula hoop in a fruit loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, her pants have one belt loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had dreads I'd grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.
Yo mama's so skinny, instead of calling her your parent, you call her transparent.
Yo mama's so skinny, her bra fits better backward.
Yo mama's so skinny, she swallowed a meatball and thought she was pregnant.
Yo mama's so skinny, she uses Chapstick for deodorant.
Yo mama's so skinny, she uses a Band-Aid as a maxi-pad.
Yo mama's so skinny and flat, she's the only woman in the world with two backs.
Yo mama's so skinny, she inspires crack whores to diet.

Tell Yo mama to stop wearing different color lipstick, because I have a
rainbow dick.


Tell Yo mama that I'm mad at her... and her jagged-ass teeth. A
circumcision is a one time procedure and I've already had mine.

Tell Yo mama to stop wearing green lipstick, my balls are starting to look
like ninja turtles.

Tell Yo mama to stop wearing blue lipstick, my balls look like Smurfs.

Tell Yo mama to send me some makeup remover, I can't get her lipstick off
my dick.

After I'm done whoopin' your ass, tell Yo mama she's next!

Tell Yo mama that the tip's under the pillow.

Tell Yo mama that I want a refund.

Tell Yo mama to stop calling me.

Tell Yo mama that I need my underwear back.

Tell Yo mama that I want my dime back.

Tell Yo mama that my dog wants to know how much he owes her for last
night.

Tell Yo mama to wear a bra, she looks like she's got 4 arms.

Tell Yo mama I love her in those panties Yo daddy gave her.

Tell Yo mama I'll be home late for dinner.

Tell Yo mama I love the way she blows me.

Tell Yo mama I want her to get her shit out of my house now!

@@@

There was a young rector of Kings
Whose mind was on heavenly things,
But his heart was on fire
For a boy in the choir
Whose ass was like jelly on springs.
-----
The nipples of Sarah Sarong,
When excited, were twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.
-----
Two lesbians north of the town
Made sixty-nine love on the ground.
Their unbridled lust
Leaked out in the dust
And made so much mud that they drowned.
-----
There was a young man of Khartoum
Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
He not only fucked her,
But buggered and sucked her,
And left her to pay for the room.
-----
There was an old maid from Camelot,
Who survived on frog shit and snot,
When she grew tired of these,
She'd eat the green cheese,
That she scraped from the sides of her twat.
-----
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pigshit and snot.
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat.
-----
There was an old whore from the Azores,
Who's cunt was so covered with sores,
That the dogs in the street,
Wouldn't eat the green meat,
That hung from festoons in her drawers.
-----
There once was a woman named Jess
Bisexual, she would confess
She loved a good dick
but pussy she'd lick
and leave both a wet gooey mess
-----
There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"

-----
There once was a hooker named Sue,
Who filled her vagina with glue.
When they paid to get in,
She said with a grin,
You must pay to get out of it too!
-----
There once was a fellow named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
I have to admit,
She smelled like shit,
But, think of the money he saved!
-----
There once was a male prostitute,
he got paid to play other guys flute,
when a guy paid in cash, he got it up the ass,
But with a check he only got blew

-----

There once a man from hell,
his dick had a terrible spell,
every time he had sex, his dick erects,
into the shape of a big taco bell
 
VOODOO DICK

This lady walks into her psychiatrist one day and says: "Doctor, I
just can't have an orgasm."

"Do you masturbate?", he says.

"No luck". is the reply.

"How about cunnilingus?"

"Nope"

"Kick-start vibrator?"

"Wakes up the neighbors, but not me." she complains.

"Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait here." the doctor says as he walks
into the next room.

He walks out with a black velvet case and places it on his lap. Her
eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.

"What is it", she gasps.

"It's a VOODOO DICK," he proclaims, as he hoists the foot-long,
meaty shaft from the case.

"It is VERY powerful, but it can fulfill your every desire. Watch.
VOODOO DICK, hand!" he commands.

The dick leaps across his lap into his open palm faster than the eye
can see.

"Ooooh", she sighs.

"VOODOO DICK, box." The dick returns in a shot to its case.

"You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its power."

Certainly, of course, anything you say" she sputters, the wetness in
her mouth matched by the wetness in her panties.

So she takes the magic missile with her, thanking the good doctor
and hurrying out to her car.

But she can't wait to get home, so she prys the lid open on the seat
next to her.

"VOODOO DICK, hand!" she commands.

It flies eagerly into her hand. She is amazed by the size of this
veiny tool, and quickly removes her underwear.

"VOODOO DICK, pussy!" she screams, and it obliges.

Burying itself inside her in an instant, she gasps with pleasure.

"VOODOO DICK, fuck me."

It begins to thrust in and out.

"VOODOO DICK, faster!"

It quickens the pace while the woman sits in sexual bliss.
Unbelievable sensations course through her body.

"VOODOO DICK, harder!"

It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin, one after the other.

Soon the woman begins to tire, unaccustomed to this sort of
satisfaction.

"VOODOO DICK, stop."

BUT IT WON'T STOP

"VOODOO DICK, stop now!", she yells.

It continues its relentless assault.

"Quit it, VOODOO DICK. That hurts"

It is oblivious to her desires.

She finally manages to wrench it from her pussy and throw it out the
window.

Just as she gets the window rolled up, it is there against the
glass, trying to get in.

She quickly starts the car and screeches away in terror.

60, 70, 80 mph.

The VOODOO DICK hot on (and for) her tail.

90, 100.

The woman starts to pull away as the dick fades away behind the last
corner.

Sirens blare.

The women is babbling senselessly as the officer approaches her car.

"You-you have to let me go. There is this-this thing - gotta go" she
yells.

"Lady, you were doing 100 miles an hour. What the hell is your
problem?"

"You don't under-understand. There is this VOODOO DICK following
me." she sputters.

"A WHAT?", the cop yells.

"A magic VOODOO DICK. It's after me!" she exclaims.

To which the cop replies, "VOODOO DICK, my ass!"

Try Something New

A couple has been ****** for three months, and the sex is getting dull.

One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry, want to try
something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a shit on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her
chest.

She says, "Now lie in it on top of me and screw me."

He lies on top of her, with the shit oozing between them, and she gives
him the wildest hump he's ever had.

The next time they're lying in bed, it's boring and she asks him to do
it again. He stands over her and grinds out a huge turd onto her chest.
Then he lies on her, and they have another incredible lay.

As time goes on, Harry really gets into it. He eats like a horse on the
days before their dates, because it seems the more he craps on her, the
better the sex is.

One Thursday night, he has the runs, so on Friday morning he eats a few
cheese sandwiches and downs a whole bottle of Kaopectate before he goes
to work, so he won't wheedle down his legs at the office.

That night, he goes to her house, they go in the bedroom and get
undressed, she lies on the bed, he stands over her, and squats down, and
grunts...but nothing comes out. He strains a bit, and grunts, and then
llbbt!...a little fart...but nothing of any substance. For a few
minutes, he's pushing and grunting, when suddenly he hears her crying.

He says, "Honey, what's wrong?"

She says, "You're seeing someone else, aren't you???"

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

Q. Why was the leper caught speeding?
A. Because he couldn't take his foot off the accelerator.

Q. How do you make a dog drink?
A. Stick it in a blender.

Q. How can you tell if a Valentine card is from a leper?
A. The tongue's still in the envelope.
 
Prom Night

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were
approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night
and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches
her brother and says, "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?" He says
"No, why? You got someone lined up for me?" "You might say that. Why
don't you take me to the prom?" "Take you? You kidding? You're my
sister!" "You know I don't have a date, Sis." "And neither do I. But we
both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her brother nods.

She continues, "So we should go with each other." The brother can't see
anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if
neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will take her to the
prom. Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a
date, so the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on
Friday. At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad
that his sister talked him into taking her.

Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him
again. "Hey, brother, let's dance." He looks around to make sure that
nobody heard her. "Look, Sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not
going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?" "Don't be so shy.
Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance
with your sister?" "Oh . . . all right." So they dance, a slow number.
The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to
go. Both of them have had a good time.

In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him
and says, "Let's not go straight home." He gives her a curious look and
says, "What are we going to do instead?" "Oh, I don't know. Just drive
around." He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in
the country, she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some
place to park?" "Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm
not going parking with you!" "Who said anything about 'going parking'?
Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a
busy year for both of us-- how long has it been since we've had a chance
to talk to each other?" So she finally talks her brother into pulling
the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle
talk, she looks over at him again.

"Hey . . . " she says. "What?" "Why don't you kiss me?" "You've been
suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to
kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the ignition switch to
start the car. She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your
sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And
don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She
kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back.

After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on.
Let's do it." "Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of
what his sister had in mind. "You know what," his sister replied. "I
can't do that with you, you're my . . . " His voice trailed off.

While he was on top of her, his sister murmured,
"You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."

"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."
_______

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.


25 Signs You Have Grown Up...

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke
any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go
to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of
"hook up" and "break up."

8 You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as
"dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because
those %&@# kids next door won't turn down
the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex
jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes
anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car
payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of
McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead
of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM
would severely upset, rather than settle, your
stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and
antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty
good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces
"I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer
is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going
to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you
congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what
the hell happened?


Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for
one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find
one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward
it to a bunch of old friends cause you know they'll
enjoy it & do the same.
 
Amputate The Dick

This man had been to Asia and had been making love to a lot of the
beautiful women there. A short time after returning home he started to
have burning when he would pee. A few days later he noticed his dick was
all swollen, covered in scabs and red and yellow sores oozing dark puss.

Very scared he rushed to the doctor and said to her, "please look at my
dick". When he showed it to her she gasped suddenly and exclaimed, "holy
shit !! it's swollen, covered in scabs and red and yellow sores oozing
dark puss".

The asked if there was anything she could do to help him. The Dr. told
him they had no choice but to amputate it as soon as possible or the
infection could kill him.

The man was in shock, cut his dick off or die. After a few min. thinking
he decided if living meant having no dick he might just as well die.

He tried several more doctors and all agreed, cut the dick off or die.

Suddenly he had an idea. Since he caught this in Asia and American
doctors can't cure it maybe an Asian doctor could.

He went quickly to the Asian portion of the city and rushed into the
office of an Asian doctor.

Quickly he had the doctor examine his dick. The doctor was shocked when
he saw it and exclaimed, "howy shit, yur dick aw swowin and covered in
scabs and wed and yerrow sores and dark puss.

The man told him American doctors want to amputate his dick to stop the
infection but he hoped an Asian doctor could help.

The Dr said "howy fuck, they want cut dick off ??? they no need do
that".

The man was greatly relieved to hear this and was thanking the doctor
when he heard the doctor say. "sure, they no need cut dick off, in two
or three day it fall off by self anyway".
========
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
========
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

Guide To Great Cybersex

1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex please
make sure your spouse, boyfriend, kids, etc. are out of the
room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not
during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present
or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance.)
It really gets difficult explaining what you are doing
undressing in front of the computer, drooling out of one
corner of your mouth, moaning and groaning while the buzz
of various "toys" can be heard.

2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem
protector is on, along with the splash guard for your
keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling
the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you
have no idea why.

3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such
as, sweat pants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers,
t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that
could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell
your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong,
garter belt with black stockings, and your best wonder bra,
(the one that has everything pulled up so high your
bellybutton is under your chin), and a pair of high heels.
We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress
that way when we sit down at the computer. Although I truly
wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my
computer. It does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the
office but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in
the company.) As for what the man should be wearing, we all
know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.

4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from
straddling your monitor, there are many potential emergency
room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to
mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and
not continue this sordid affair with your 17" screen.

5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other
person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite
to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made
up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the
house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were
bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the
time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the
light still works when you open the door, and last but not
least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the
monotony.

6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please
check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo,
i.e., "oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of
yours. I just love your hot, wet posse" (kinda puts a
western slant on things), hmmmm, things could get
interesting with boots and spurs though. "Oh baby, you have
such a big coke" (hope you got the super sized fries and
burger with that). "That's it baby, show me that beautiful
clit" (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial "oh fork
me hard!"

7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from
putting your "coke" in one place, when your cyber partner
had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no
clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel. If
you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of
premature cybering and really do not feel like typing for 3
days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you
got bumped offline. That always works and at least she
won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse,
"I have to let my dog out."

8. Once both cyber partners have been satisfied, or faked
satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of
faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank
you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you
truly had a wonderful time.)

9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured
into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they
ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one.
If they begin to pester you, its proper etiquette to just
bump yourself offline, or just say "HUH? I never got your
message." Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.

10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not
make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in
the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark
does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted
if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather
be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady
rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you
know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets
tired, try ****** your left hand for something different.
Until your next hot session....cyber on my friends!
 

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