Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Two redneck boys, Bodie and Earl, are sitting in their Texas class room
one day when they realize they can see straight up their teacher's skirt
and she wasn't wearing any underwear.

Bodie says to Earl, "What do you suppose those little brown things
are? They look like raisins. She musta had raisins at lunch and dropped
some in her lap."

Earl says "Naw - them's dungballs from the way women wipe their
asses."

"Nope - them's raisins."

Finally, they approach the teacher and ask her. "Earl says them things
around your snatch is raisins and I say they're dungballs from
the way you wipe your ass. Which one's right?"

"Neither, replied the teacher kindly, "They're flies."

 

[melody]

What do you call an annexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
_____

Q: How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
A: The hotdogs all taste like shit!
____

What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?
One says 'Cock-a-doodle- doo' and the prostitute says 'Any cock will do'.
____

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery. Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
_____

Two sanitary pads were floating down a sewer drain, and were approaching two tampons. Before the pads and tampons reached each other, one pad said to the other, "Should we say hi to those 2 tampons?" The other pad responded, "Err... nah... they're stuck up cunts."
_____

A gay man goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The
doctor comes back and says " I am not going to beat around the bush. You
have AIDS."

The man is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran
cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The man asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your
asshole is for."

 

[melody]

This guy goes into a whorehouse and asks the mistress he wants to
eat out a girl for the first time. She sends him up and he meets
this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and he starts
licking her twat.

Minutes later he feels something in his mouth
and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has
never done it before continues eating her out.

Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is
normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands
up.

"Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies
"No, but the last guy was!"

 

[melody]

One day, a cruise ship burned down and the only thing
that survived was a man his dog and a barrel of
playboys. So the man and dog did their jacked off into
the barrel with their playboys.

Eventually, they got bored and had a full barrel of semen. So
they decided to make candles out of it. Eventually their tiny island
started to reek so they send the candles off to sea in the barrel. It
washed up next to a Nunnery, where they needed light.
So the head nun passed out candles to everyone.

"IT'S AN OMEN FROM GOD" she declared. That night they
also did their things with the candles, because they've never had men.

The next morning, one nun ran to the head nun crying. " I think I'm
going to have babies!" she cried. The head nun responded, "that's
nothing, I'm having puppies!"

 

[melody]

This man walks in to a psychiatrist' s office and lies down on the couch.
The shrink says, "What makes you think you need the services of a
psychiatrist? "

The man replies that he wakes up every night in the kitchen after some
pretty crazy sleepwalking.

The shrink says, "So, would you like me to try to cure you of
sleepwalking? "

The man explains that the sleepwalking isn't really the problem. Every
time he wakes up he is in the same place, doing the same thing - he has
his pajamas around his ankles and his dick in a jar of peanuts.

The psychiatrist says, "I think I know what your problem is. You're
fucking nuts."

 

[melody]

Bob And His Boat

Bill walks into a bar and sees Bob sitting at the end of the bar counter
with a great big smile on his face. Bill says "Bob, what are you so
happy for?"
"Well Bill, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my
boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to
here, Bill, tits out to here! She says 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Bill. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She
couldn't swim, Bill, she couldn't swim!!"

The next day Bill walks into the bar and sees Bob sitting at the end of the
bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Bill says "What are you so happy about today Bob?"
"Well Bill... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat,
just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to
here, Bill, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bill, way
out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its
either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Bill, she couldn't swim!!!!"

A couple days pass and Bill walks into the bar and sees Bob down there
cryin over a beer. Bill says "Bob, what are you so sad for?" "Well Bill,
I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my
boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to
here, Bill, tits WAY out to here. She says 'Can I have a ride in your
boat?' 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Bill, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the
key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. She
pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Bill !!! She had a great BIG
dick!!! And Bill, I CAN'T SWIM,... I CAN'T SWIM !!!"

 

[cYBorG]

kihkihkih.. make me big laugh..

 

[melody]

"44"

A guy goes to the doctor and asks if there is a test to determine if
he's gay.

The doctor replies, "Why, yes, there is. Drop your pants".

The doc puts on his rubber gloves and grabs the guy's balls and says to
him, "Say 44". The guy looks at the doc and says, "44".

The doc takes the guy's Johnson in his hand and syas to him, "Say 44".
The guy looks at the doc and says, "44".

The doc tells the guy to turn around and bend over that he's going to
give him a rectal exam. The guy bends over and the doc slides his
finger in the guy's ass and he says to him, "Say 44". The guy looks at the
doc and says" 1, 2, 3...".

 

[melody]

Blonde Moments!

Two blondes walk into a building.... ..you'd think one of them would
have seen it!

Why was the Blonde so happy when she finished her puzzle in six
months?
It said on the box 2-4 years!

What did the blonde say when the job interviewer said, "Spell your
name?"
Y-O-U-R N-A-M-E

 

[melody]

High School Buddies

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom.

"Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm
really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment
her. Chicks love to be complimented. You'll have her in the palm of your
hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for
such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I
started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts
they sure were firm. She liked that, too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got
her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another
compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much."

 

[melody]

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch
area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has
crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a
virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second
opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third
doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that
I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin!"

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you don't have crabs,... the bad news is that your
cherry rotted and you have fruit flies!"

 

[melody]

Q's & A's

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.

Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.

Q: What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
A: Your wife will blow your bonus.

Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

Q: What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.

Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q: What is Rodeo Sex?
A: Well, it's where your wife is on all fours, you
are firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in
each hand, and you say to her: "This is the way your
sister likes it too." You have eight seconds to stay
in the saddle.

Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill
for men?
A: It changes their blood type.

Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake
up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how
much sleep will you get?
A: 8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants?!

Q: Why do married men like blowjobs so much?
A: 15 minutes of silence.

Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky
Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and
thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your
bone in.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and
showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor
party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to
nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long ..

 

[melody]

I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in 2001.
A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually
said "General Store," and that was it.

There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking
chair. I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"

He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."

I said, "What do you hunt?"

He said, "Somethin' to fuck."

 

[melody]

Laws Around The World

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with
animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with
a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during
the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Wonder
which head?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
Countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege
of having sex for the first time...
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but
only in tropical fish stores.(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and
her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough
problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption
on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?
... Not as great as Guam!)

 

[melody]

A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there. He
replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it."

The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it
out I'll have a look for you."

The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his
underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor
says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it."

To which the man replies, "I know, it's a fucking beauty, eh?!"

 

[melody]

Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign that said,
"Cow For Sale...$5000" He pulled in and said to the farmer,
"There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."
The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"
He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the cow had
a snatch just like a woman.
Harry got back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry,
"It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch
like a woman and it's worth $5000.
And here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow,
and you ain't worth shit!"

 

[melody]

Thorn is getting tested for AIDS... the nurse comes back with a stern
look...

She sits down and takes Thorns hand... "Sir, I am really sorry, but you
tested positive. You need treatment."

Thorn gets up and yells "Damnit! That bitch! You can't trust anybody any
more. My own fucking daughter!"

 

[melody]

The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: there was no sign
that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things that
lead to this situation.

The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of
hobosexuality!

The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean
homosexuality? "

"No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality. .. he's a bum fuck!"

 

[melody]

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following:

1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women’s deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're just fucking ugly!

 

[melody]

Doctor, I'm having that dream again." the patient said.

"Oh?" The shrink replies. "Which one?"

"The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and beastiality.
Should I be worried or am I beating a dead horse?"