Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Paul pays a visit to a gorgeous young prostitute. After four hours of
exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

The prostitute regrets to see a good customer leave and asks, "Are you too
busy next week to pay me a visit?"

"No sweetie, that's not what I mean. Please turn around ... "

 

[melody]

Kiss A Frog?

Princess Kelly is walking along the edge of a pond in the royal gardens
when she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up,
she comments on the creatures hideous appearance, saying, "My but you
are a really ugly frog!"

The frog answers, "I know, I know, I've got a really bad spell on me."

Princess Kelly says, "Well, I've seen frogs with spells, but none as
ugly as you."

"Look, lady," says the frog, "I told you ... it's a REALLY bad spell."

"Well, even so," replies Princess Kelly, "if I kiss you will you turn
into a Prince?"

The frog answers, "I don't know, lady ... a spell this bad will
probably take a blow job!"

 

[melody]

What is the definition of relative humidity?
~ That's when the sweat from your balls drips down the crack of your
sister-in-law' s ass.

What is the difference between a Hobo and a Homo?
~ A Hobo has no friends - a Homo has friends up the ass!

What comes after 69?
~ Mouthwash.

How can you tell if two lesbians are twins?
~ They lick alike.

What do women and milk cartons have in common?
~ You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

Why do women have faces?
~ So you know which pussy is yours.

Do you know what the height of poverty is?
~ A patched rubber hanging on a clothesline.

 

[melody]

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a
beautiful young blonde woman passes them.

She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines.

The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless
whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a
Lesbian!!"

 

[melody]

A young woman is late for an important job interview.

When she arrives at the office building, she dashes to the elevator and
hits the up button. The doors slide open and she notices a rather
unsavory looking little man in a trenchcoat standing in the back. She
thinks about waiting for the next elevator, but she was already late and
really needs this job. She regretfully boards the elevator and presses
the top floor button.

A few moments pass, then she hears him grunting and shuffling closer to
her. "Excuse me miss", says the man, "but can I smell your crotch?"
Shocked by the statement, the woman shrieks "No no no! Absolutely not!!"
So the guy replies

"Oh, must be your feet then".

 

[melody]

Q. What's worse than an achy breaky heart?
A. An itchy bitchy wife.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female
menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get
to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

 

[melody]

Salary increase

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for
the following reasons:

I do physical labour
I work at great depths
I plunge headfirst into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don¹t get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work has the potential to expose me to contagious
diseases


Reply

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for
the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often Visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don¹t always observe necessary safety regulations,
Such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You¹ll retire well before reaching 65
You¹re unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed
the days work
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering
and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags

Sincerely

The Management

 

[melody]

Good Boy

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married
very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this
is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts.

The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's
cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little
this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good
luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her
husband is.

"He's dead," she replies.

"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"

The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking
his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

 

[melody]

Little Johnny was sentenced to go to jail. Knowing what goes on in jail,
he was nervous. Upon arriving he was put in a cell with a very big man.
The man asked Little Johnny, "Is this the first time for you?"
Little Johnny meekly replied "Yes"
The man asked, "Well, do you want to be the husband or the wife?"
Thinking about it Little Johnny says "Why the husband of course."
So the man says with a smile, "Well then, git on over here and suck your wife's dick!"

 

[melody]

The Baby Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

 

[melody]

At The Concert

A young couple were out on a date, attending a concert. The auditorium was
pitch dark and as lovers will, they began to fondle one each other.

After awhile she felt something wet and sticky and realized the boy had
come in her hand. She panicked for a moment and then, figuring it was too
dark for anyone to see what she was doing, flung the stuff as far in front
of her as she could.

It hit the second violinist on the shoulder. He felt something hit him
and, trying to get it off, realized what it was.

"Hey," he whispered to the first violinist, "someone just threw me a
fuck".

" I'm not surprised," snarled the first violinist, "You've been playing
like a cunt all night".

 

[melody]

A little boy was on the footpath, playing with shit.
A postman rode up and asked him what he was doing.
"I'm making a postman!" the kid declared.
Then a little old lady came up and asked him what he was doing.
The little boy replied, "I'm making a little old lady!"
The old lady was so disgusted that she went to the local cop shop
and reported the little boy.
A short while later, a big policeman strolled down and approached
the boy.
"G'day, little fella," he said. I know what you're doing - your
making a policeman."
The little boy looked up at the cop and smiled.
"Fuck off!" he said. "I ain't got enough shit for that!"

 

[sakuraguy]

Very nice ones Mel ;)

 

[melody]

Two Queers

Two queers, Roger and Colin, are walking through London Zoo one day when
they come across the "Rwandan Silverback Gorilla" cage. Sitting upright
just inside the bars is an eight foot muscle bound Silverback Gorilla and
Colin; being as gay as you like; can't help but notice its massive, thick
penis hanging there.

"OOOoooh.... Look at the donger on him Roger !" Squeals Colin excitedly
"I've never had one that size in my hand before !" Unable to contain
himself, he reaches through the bars and strokes the apple sized bell-end
of the ape. Roger tries to pull his boyfriend away but its too
late.......the gorilla's shovel like hands clasp Colin's wrist and yank him
through the bars, into the cage. Roger screams in a gay fashion as Colin is
dragged into the gorillas bamboo hut.

Whilst in there, Colin is subjected to a very very very rough bout of anal
sex with the Silverback. Roger covers his ears to block Colin's screams and
runs to get help. It takes three and a half hours for the Zoo Staff to lure
the ape out and fire a tranquilizer dart at its arse. They call an ambulance
and Colin is rushed to hospital for major ringpiece surgery.

A few days later Roger decides to visit his gay pal Colin in Hospital as he
hears that he's regained consciousness. Colin is in his bed, crying his eyes
out when Roger walks in.

"How are you feeling darling ?" asks Roger quietly. "Awful !" whimpers
Colin "That fucking gorilla shagged my arse rotten!" "Does it hurt ?"
asked Roger

"HURT ?" replies Colin, tears rolling down his cheeks "HURT ?....... HE
HASN'T CALLED, HE HASN'T WRITTEN....OF COURSE IT BLOODY HURTS !"

 

[melody]

Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new
panties. The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice bright
red crotchless panties. Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa
to come home. When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon
the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on.

She said, "Come on grandpa, you want some of this?"
Grandpa said, "Lord no, it done ate a hole in your panties..."

 

[melody]

Do you know the punishment for bigamy ?
Two mothers-in-law.

Q:What do you call a herd of bulls mastubating?
A:Beef Strokin' off

The penis-enlarging pills my boyfriend bought online must be working. At
this point, he's a bigger dick than he was a few months ago.

 

[melody]

Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the bar and staring into their
drinks.

One got a curious look on his face and asked, "Hey, Pete! You ever
seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"

Pete replied "Yep. I was married to
one for fifteen years."

 

[melody]

Foul Language

TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: Foul Language
DATE: February 28, 2008

It has been brought to management's attention that individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during
the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due
to complaints received from employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able
to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided
so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner, without risk the of offending
our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,
Human Resources

 

[melody]

Quick Wit

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found
guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This
means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the
man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs.
Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good
afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

 

[melody]

Jill, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.
Doug, the local priest, walks by and gives her a glare. "Jill! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?"
"What?" said Jill. "You got something better to do after sex?"
~~~~~

One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.
Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."
The teacher says "That is correct, but why?"
Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my mum always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"
~~~~~

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator
from the 14th floor to the lobby. The redhead notices a spot
on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a
cum stain," she says. The blonde leans over and tastes the spot,
then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."
~~~~~

A man wearing a dirty raincoat sidled up to a businessman on the street corner and asked, "Got any pictures of your wife naked?"
"Certainly not!" huffed the businessman.
The other man inquired, "Wanna buy some?"
~~~~~

There's a double standard, even today.
A man can sleep around and sleep around, and nobody asks any questions.
If you're a woman, & you make nineteen or twenty mistakes, right away you're a whore.
~~~~~

Q: Why was the two-piece bikini invented?
A: To separate the meat section from the dairy section.

Q: Did you hear about the new female delivery service?
A: It's called 'PMS'. They deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it.
~~~~~

A teenage girl told her mother, "I'm pregnant."
"How? What have I always taught you about sex?" her mother
asked.
"That I should take measures," the girl answered.
"That's right! You didn't take measures, did you?"
"Actually, I did. I went with the biggest one."
~~~~~

A guy ran into his ex-wife on the street one day and
cheerfully told her, "You know, I was with another woman
last night, and I kept thinking of you all the while."
"Why?" she smiled sweetly. "Because you miss me?"
"No. Because it keeps me from coming too fast."