Jokes Archieve - Text Based

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Darling : Yes.....
.
.
.
.

(In very very low pitch)
I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
 
What successs is at different ages

At age 4 success is...........not peeing in ur pants
At age 12 success is .............having friends
At age 17 success is .............having an driver license
At age 35 success is .............having money
At age 50 success is .............having money
At age 70 success is .............having driver license
At age 75 success is .............having friends
At age 80 success is .............NOT PEEING IN UR PANTS
 
Compassionate Leave

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.

"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."
 
Common Sense is Not so Common...

There came a big flood, and the water around Bhola's house was rising steadily..

Bhola was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a man in a boat came along and called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here. Bhola replied, "No thanks, God will save me."

Bhola went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor.

As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here."

Again, Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water kept rising. So, Bhola got out onto the roof.

A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Bhola, "I'll drop you a rope,grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here."

Again Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Bhola fell in, and drowned.

When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, "Why didn't you save me from that terrible flood? Did I not show you my faith?"

With a loving but irritated tone God replied, "What more would you have me do? I sent people in two boats and a helicopter."
 
Multi-use parts

When the antenna of my small television in India broke, I looked up the relevant part's number in the manual provided by the company and wrote to them asking for a replacement.

When the package arrived, I was furious to see that they had sent Part No 699 when I had actually asked them for No 669. I shot off an angry missive to their Public Relations Dept.

Their reply: Turn it upside-down.
 
conservation between george Bush n Condoleezza rice

WHO is HU
g: condoleezza! nice 2 u wats up
c: sir i have a report here bout the leader of china
g: great WHO is it
c: HU is the new leader of china
g: thats wat i want 2 no
c: thats wat iam telling u
g: thats wat iam asking you WHO is the new leader of china
c: yes geprge i mean the fellow HU
g: the guy in china
c: HU
g: the leader in china
c: HU
g: the china man
c: HU is leading china
g: now why r u saking me that
c: iam telling you HU is leading china
g: now even iam asking u WHO is leading china
c: thats the mans name
g: thats WHO'S name
c: yes
g: will u or will u not tell me the name of the new leader of china
c: yes sir (interrupted)
g: yessir arafat is in china ! i thought he was in middle east
c: thats correct but ...................
g: then WHO's in china
c: yes sir, i ........................
g: yessir is in china
c: on sir
g: look condeleeezza i need 2 no the name of the leader get me the secretery general of UN on the phone
c: kofi ( pronounce it as coffee kofi is the secretery general of UN)
g: no thanks
c: you want kofi
g: no
c: u don want kofi
g: no but nao that u mentioned it i would like a glass of milk n then get me the secretery general on UN
c: yes sir
g: not yessir the guy at UN
c: kofi
g: milk please and will you please make that call
c: call WHO sir ?????
g: who is the guy at UN ??
c: HU is the guy in china
g: U STAY OUT OF CHINA
c: yes sir
g: AND STAY OUT OF MIDDLEEAST just make that call n get the guy at the UN
c: kofi
g: alright with cream and 2 teaspoons of sugar
THE END
 
Damn Funny-Ah Beng story

Ah Beng bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'MyMobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College .
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.


Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.


Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,
Oh GOD! U have come again.


Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing,
except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'


Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for complement.'

How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board.


Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would
be hot.

Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'


Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?


Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'


Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'


A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not
in the morning Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM
 
A blonde began a job as an Junior school
counselor, and she was eager to help. One day
during break she noticed a boy standing by
himself on the side of a playing field while
the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was. A little while later,
however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same
spot, still by himself. Approaching again,

Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated,
then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress,
Sandy then asked "Why are you standing here
all alone? Why don't you go and join those
boys playing football over there?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation,

"I'm the bloody goalie."
 
Marriage Joke

Young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."
This seemed to be a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. She thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband awoke with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searched the bed. This, of course, woke his bride who without thinking, immediately asked, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"
 
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, " How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating. "

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating! " says the woman.

"What a coincidence ," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating? "

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence, " says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

" What a coincidence, " she said
 
40 second puzzle..

http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/3483/42075puzzle150216420751um4.jpg
 
1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.


Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'



2. Brother wanted

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother'.....

Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'......




3. Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'

Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'




4. Importance of a period

Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'

Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'



5. Confident vs. confidential

A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?'

Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!'


6. Anger management?

Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'

Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'

Husband: 'How does that help?'

Wife: 'I use your toothbrush


 
Hey, good days... Not here for a while. Anyway, keep it up mel.
u make ppl smile and laugh everyday...
 
Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me
father for I have sinned."

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"

"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot
tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No father, please
forgive me for my sin."

"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."

"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it
was."

"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and
you will be abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph
was waiting.

"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.

"Well I got 5 hail Mary's 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."
 
Married Life

An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up.
While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asked him,
"So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies,
"The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom,
He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off."
When his wife meets with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said.
She replied, "Damn it! The he's been pissing in the fridge again!
 
On his wedding day, the groom walked down the aisle
with a big grin on his face. His best man said, "I
know this is your wedding day but I've never seen you
with such a big smile." The groom whispered, "I just
got the best blow job I've ever had."

As the bride walked down the isle she also grinned
from ear to ear. Her bridesmaid said to her, "I know
this is the happiest day in your life but I have never
seen you with a bigger smile."
To which the bride replied, "I've just given my last
blow job."
 
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How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between
his neck and the noose.

Q: How do you know whether or not the blonde you slept with last
night gave you a good blow-job?
A: The bedsheets are sucked up your ass.

Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: Why do women have faces?
A: So men can tell the vaginas apart.
 
PREGNANCY Q's & A's

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q: The more pregnant I get the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.
 
Crimes of Passion

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for
today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their
fellow inmates what crime they committed.

The first prisoner stands and says, "My name is Daniel and I'm in
for murder." Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the
back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for
armed robbery." Again, there is a round of approving looks.

This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands
up and says, "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for."

The group leader says, "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it
to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."

"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs."

Everyone is disgusted!

They all shout, "Oh that's disgusting! How LOW can you go!?!"

"Chihuahuas, " Luke replies.
 

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