Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

A blonde girl calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
Started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .... .




(scroll down)







'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

*****************

The news interviewed an 80-year-old lady who had just gotten married for the 4th time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 

[karl5511]

Old Loving
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman
in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're
90."

______________________________________________________________


Relationship
What do men consider a 50-50 relationship?
We cook, they eat! We clean, they dirty! We iron, they wrinkle!

______________________________________________________________


Mascara
How are men like mascara?
Any sign of emotion and they're running!

______________________________________________________________


Young Business Man
A young businessman had just started his own business. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He was shouting huge figures and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I'm here to install the phone!"

______________________________________________________________


Yummy Peanuts
A tour bus driver has a bus full of senior citizens. As he's driving, the bus driver gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn't eat them.
"We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she says.
So, the puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The little old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them!!"

______________________________________________________________


FBI Funny
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the dispatcher.

The next day, FBI agents sneak up on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They yell at the neighbor and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbor's house.
Hey, Bill, did the FBI come?"
"Sure Did!"
"Did they chop your firewood?!"
"Yep!"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed!!"

 

[melody]

A letter to Ex-Girl Friend

Dear Monisha,

Thanks for being my love for one and half years, when you receive this letter I believe you might have selected a new boy friend and started enjoying your ******. Every lovers needs to struggle a bit to get a boy friend or girl friend.

Monisha¦ In order to recover your missing, I got another girl from next street & as you know this is my forth love, from all my past experiences I have learned a lot. When the love blossoms everyone starts writing love
letters, you know very well… I have written many love letter to you , and writing a love letter in poetic way is not so easy nowadays MONISHA , and it's a time consuming work, In order to avoid all this I need all my lover letters back so that I can put corrector and send to my new girl friend , please send it back to me , I don't have poetic references or any photocopy of these letters.

Another thing MONISHA, I have given you one cute photo of mine , can you send it to me please , you know better that this is the only photo I look very cute & handsome and this photo I have taken when I was in my very first love.

And also, during my 1½ years of love days I have spend lot of monies for impressing you , I am attaching a list of expenses which I request you to clear it at the earliest.

The expenses are as follows: Lunch / Dinner ; 895, Cool Drinks 2938 Rs, Snacks 5645 Rs. , Juice 3845 Rs.

Cinema 1235Rs. Internet Chatting 1499 Rs. , Mobile 2546 Rs. Petrol 4255 Rs. Gift Items 7850 Rs, - Grand

Total : 30,708 rs (in Words : Thrity Thousand Seven Hundred and Eight Rupees).

Please try to clear the above amount so that I can spend these monies on my new girl friend, and more over if you have any of my gift lying with you, am ready to take these packs in half prices. Please calculate the value
of packs left over and deduct it from the above statement of account.

I am enclosing herewith your love letters (Weigh around 4 Kg) so that you no need to write again to your boyfriend and your photo so that you can give to your new BF.

 

[melody]

A nice quiz

There is a very very tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals:

King Kong, Ape, Orangutan and a monkey pass by.
They have a competition to see Who is the fastest to get the banana. Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality. Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer? Scroll down to see the analysis.


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If your answer is ....


Orangutan = You are sooo dull / stupid


Ape =

You are Foolish

Monkey = You are an Idiot

King Kong = You are stupid



Why ?????

Coconut tree, doesn't have bananas ... ??? ...

It's obvious you're stressed by ur work.
Ha ha..........​

 

[sakuraguy]

Very good work .. and funny Mel .. keep it up ;)

 

[melody]

many thanx for ur hearfelt support, SG..
appreciate..

 

[melody]

keep it up bro!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tq..
er, am an angelic sis..

 

[melody]

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.

The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!"

The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.

"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.

The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"

 

[melody]

A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...

Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me
rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "YES!"

The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots
him in the head and kills him!


He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ...
YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????"

The man calmly responds, "No ... But My Wife Did!"

 

[melody]

The Bird............. So Funny

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to
live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw and said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended
but then began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,
'Hi, Keith!'

 

[melody]

LIFE WITHOUT GIRLS.......... Ha ha ha


LIFE WITHOUT GIRLS:

The result

Markets silent

Streets empty

The police at rest

All mobile companies in loss

No SMS

No Flowers

No Valentine

No Candles

No Perfumes

All the men directed to Heaven.

 

[melody]

Once Santa & Banta were travelling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers. Santa & his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.

Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn't laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.

Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, "One day......... " and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.

Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers, but still Santa was quite as a statue. So the boss shot him.

Then came Jaggi. As he opened his mouth to tell the joke, Santa suddenly burst into laughter. Everyone was puzzled. Santa was laughing madly.

The boss asked him, "Why the hell are you laughing without hearing the joke?"

Santa said laughing and giggling, "Oh! How funny Banta's joke was!"

 

[melody]

"Joy is not in things; It is in us."

A man's wife decides to go out with her friends on a girls night dancing....
He's okay with it, because he gets to watch sports all night....
He hears her stumble into bed around 4am and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....
He wakes up next morning and goes outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night...
He sighs in relief because it's all in one piece....
He then circles the car looking for dents and find none....


But then .... Wait a minute....
A picture is worth a thousand words....




http://img187.imageshack.us/img187/4424/carjj8.jpg

 

[melody]

Never marry a Testing girl since she always doubts U.

Never marry a DATABASE girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.
Never marry a C girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.
Never marry a C++ girl as u may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.
Never marry a JAVA girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.
Never marry a VB girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.
Never marry a UNIX girl ,she always dump u with a core.
Never marry a PASCAL girl ,she always scolds u as rascal.
Never marry a COBOL girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.
Never marry a NETWORK girl since she may be very good in shooting troubles.
Better marry a girl not belonging to SOFTWARE FAMILY

MARRY A GIRL FROM A "HARD"WARE FAMILY, THEN........ ......... ......... .

http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/7130/softwaresp5.gifhttp://img509.imageshack.us/img509/6282/software1pp8.gifhttp://img340.imageshack.us/img340/5790/software2tz9.gif


SO TAKE MY ADVISE AND DONT MARRY
ALWAYS BE HAPPY

 

[melody]

I want a divorce

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."

 

[melody]

How various People choose their Wives


Lawyer

I hereby beg to solicit myself as an ., eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom,,,,,,,, I'm looking for should.. strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. Myself. And objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.


Boatman

Must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send the photograph of motorboat.


Banker

Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.


Drunker

Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friends come home only seven times a week. Girl preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally or send soda for a trial. Sample should be ample.


Car Mechanic

Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run household at a good average. Dent wont be tolerated especially in the head gear

 

[melody]

A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. What should I do?”

The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!”

 

[melody]

Jiuri was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts, she never had a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help. Honey! - said the psychic. You will not have luck in love in this life. But in the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and all men will fall at your feet. Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought: "the sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins" She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Jane didn't die! She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face: - GENTLEMEN, PLEASE! - One at a time .....

 

[cYBorG]

I want a divorce

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.

He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.

He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.

By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."

"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, " The airbag."

i like this joke.. wakakaka..

 

[melody]

Marriages are made in heaven,
then what are made in Hell?
Ans : the days after marriage


During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom is made to sit on the horse ?
He is given his last chance to run away.


I wrote ur name on the sand ............ .
it got washed away,
I wrote ur name in air......... ......... ........
it got blown away,
So i wrote ur name in my heart....... ......
I got a HEART ATTACK


LOVE is like a CIGAR
It starts with a fire..... continues with smoke.....and ends in ashes...
But dont worry - we are chain smokers


ur smile can be compared to a flower
ur voice can be compared to a cuckoo
ur inocence to a child
but in stupidity
u have no comparison
u r the best


True love is like a pillow
u can hug when u r in trouble
u can cry on when u r in pain & u can embrace when u r happy
so when u need true love
spend Rs.50/-Buy a pillow


Dear Friend,

when i ask u flower,
u give me bouquet
when i ask u a stone
u give me a statue
when i ask u a feather
u give me peacock

ARE U REALLY DEAF ?


I had VODKA with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had WHISKY with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!


when i call u;
1 ring means i'm thinking of u;
2 ring means i like u;
3 means i miss u;
4 means .........pick d phone idiot


Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. change it to exclamatory sentence ..
Student : WOW !


The human brain is most outstanding thing.......
it functions 24hrs 365 days.....
it functions right from the time u r Born.... until you fall in love


SMILE - is a language of love
SMILE - is a source to win hearts...
SMILE - creates greatness in ur personality
SO....
Brush ur Teeth today onwards


A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..
A beer shortens your life by 4 min..
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..


History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ?
Student : sir, i am not sure but think from page 15 to 26 sir....


Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age Bill gates stood first in the class
Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ ur age hitler commited suicide