Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Always allow the bosses to speak first

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each”

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. “Pfufffff and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted “I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.”Pfufffff and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, “I want these two idiots back right now .” Pfuffff ……….:p

Lesson :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST

 

[melody]

Peeing Problem

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him.

The newcomer asks, "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"

The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem.

"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"

"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

 

[sakuraguy]

hehe .. very good ones Mel ;)

 

[melody]

I M The Boss!!

*The boss* was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that

Read:

"*I'm the Boss*!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped
a note to the sign that said:

"*Your wife called, she wants her sign back*!"

 

[melody]

Funny Leave Applications

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people........

1. A student's leave letter:
"As I am suffering from my uncle's marriage I cannot attend the class...."
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2. A candidate's application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist And an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post."
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3. I.T.I., Lahore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.
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4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
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5. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
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6. An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
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7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.
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8. A covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
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9. From H.A.L. Administration dept:
As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.
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10. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave".
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11. Letter writing:
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
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[melody]

Naughty mind....High expectations

It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and

 

[melody]

That's confidence...!!

A hypothetical situation
where 20some CEOs board an airplane and are told
that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilotless technology:

It is an uncrewed aircraft.

Each one of the CEOs then told, privately, that their company's software
is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system.

Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse....

'One' alone remains on board, seeming very calm indeed.

Asked why he is so confident in this first uncrewed flight, he replies :
"If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off." !!!!!!

 

[melody]

Childless couple

There once was a husband and wife who were unable to have children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.

"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning an extended stay in Rome, and while I'm visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."

"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.

Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time--15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."

And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States.

While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. So he made his way to their home, and upon arriving at the residence of the couple who'd sought his council years earlier, he rang the doorbell.

Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a DOZEN children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.

"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!"

"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.

"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"To blow out that candle you lit !"

 

[melody]

Santa goes 2 a Petrol Pump sees a board Don"t use Mobile Here,
he Picks his Mobile Phone,
Calls everyone from his phone & says DON"T CALL ME NOW.

*****************

CID to Santa: Why criminals leave

their finger prints aftr their work?

Santa: Sir, criminals r uneducatd.

If they r educatd,

they wud leave their signature

*****************

In a bar 1Guy says 2 another

"I kissd ur mom last n8"

whole bar was waitin 4

d othr Guy's response.

He laughs&says:

"Lets go home dad,

U r drunk".

*****************

Boy: From D day im ur frnd,

i m not able 2 eat,drink,smoke.

Girl: how sweet,so u r madly in LOVE

wit me!

Boy: SHUT UP,

U made my pocket empty....

*****************

English Teacher:
Make a sentence using "Neither-Nor"

Naughty boy Student:
When girls wear tight fitting dresses,
"NEiTHER" are they
comfortable, "NOR" are we!

*****************

A man walks into a barber shop and asks; "how much for a hair cut?" The barber said $12.50.
The man asks; "and how much for a shave?" The barber said $1.50. The man then says SHAVE IT ALL.

*****************

A woman sadly tells her husband: We will not be together in heaven as we may die at different times my dear.
After a pause her husband replied; my dear that is why the place is known as 'Heaven'.

 

[melody]

What is Intelligence?

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, Intelligence’?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

 

[melody]

Night Classes

During work, John and William were chatting:

John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

William: oh!

John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

William: No

John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas?

William: No

John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau?

William: No

John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, William got irritated and said: "And you, do you know who is George Hunt?"

John: No

William: He's the guy enjoying with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this...

 

[melody]

http://img443.imageshack.us/img443/8968/mistakefp9.jpg

 

[7Heaven]

hehe wat's that mean ni?

 

[melody]

You Caught,......... while taking Bath......ha ha ha

Open with care





Please be careful . . . . .





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You in Bathroom taking bath

http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/2415/joketg2.gif​

 

[melody]

Three Sardarjis in Singapore

Three Sardarjis went for a tour to Singapore . They searched for rooms everywhere and finally got one which is in the topmost floor of a 100 floor hotel. After taking rest they started for a local visit. While leaving the hotel, the manager informed them that they should reach the hotel before10.00pm or else lift will not be available and they have to take the steps for which they agreed and went out.

After all the entertainment in the city, they reached back late at 10.30. Since lift was not available, they decided to take the stairways under the condition that each sardarji has to tell a story that lasts for 33 floors so that they can reach the 100th floor without much trouble.

After first sardarji finished his story in 33rd floor, the third sardarji said," I have a sad story to say, but i will tell at the end only". Then second sardarji finished his story and the third finished his story and finally they reached the 100th floor.

Then first sardarji asked what was the sad story. The third one said, " I forgot the room key which is on the manager's table".

They once again started back to the first floor and this time the second sardarji after crossing 33 floors from top said," I got a sad story, but I will also say that at the end". They finally reached the first floor and when asked about the sad story, the second sardarji said, " The keys were in my pocket only". With anger and full tired, they once again start from the first floor.

After reaching the 33rd floor, the third sardarji said, " I too have a sad story, but I will say at the end only". Then they reached the 100th floor and the second one asked the third sardarji about the sad story, he replied:

"This is not our hotel, It is on the other side of road, opposite to this"

 

[melody]

Greedy Bear

http://img264.imageshack.us/img264/739/greedybearsu3.png

 

[sakuraguy]

Very nice mel .. :)

 

[melody]

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *
Que: - What is the height of stupidity?
Ans: - 2 sardarjis sitting on a motorcycle & fighting for a
window seat

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

A Sardar had called an Englishman for lunch. There was
curd on the table. The guest asked what is this? The
Sardar didn't know proper English, he said "Milk
sleeping in night, morning becomes tight"

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

Did you hear about the sardarji who is so rich he has
two swimming pools, one of which is always empty?
It is for people who can't swim!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

Santa Singh: Will this bus take me to Jalandhar?
Driver: Which part?
Santa Singh: All of me, of course!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

Sardarji calls Air India. 'How long does it take to
fly to Amritsar?'
'Just a sec,' says the customer service assistant.
'Thank you.' says the Sardarji and hangs up.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

Banta Singh happened to be in a queue at a railway
station ticket counter with two men ahead of him. 'Ek
Punjab Mail dena.' demanded the man in front. He was
given a ticket. 'Ek Punjab Mail dena.' the second man
asked and was handed a ticket. Then came the turn of
Banta Singh, 'Ek Punjab female dena!' 'What do u mean
by Punjab female?' asked the clerk. 'It is for my
wife' replied Banta Singh.

 

[sakuraguy]

You Know You're A Tamil When ..

You arrive one hour late to a party and find out you are the first one to arrive.

You spend ten minutes fake arguing with your guests who insist on washing their coffee cups.

You think it's perfectly normal to call someone who's 30 years younger than you "anna" just because he's behind a counter.

Your idea of a romantic night out is to eat mutton rolls watching a Tamil movie in a run down theater.

You accidentally walk into an oor picnic and walk out with ten large trophies.

You wear a suit to a wedding...and you are only 3 years old.

The wedding takes an hour and the group pictures take five.

Your mom and sister together own more jewelery than a Chinese jewelery store

Your parents' idea of a vacation is to go down to the temple in Pittsburgh.

You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.

The second your guests leave the house, your parents start talking about them.

Your parents think going to McDonald's is a night out...nice break from takeouts from Babu Catering.

You rent a cassette from the grocery store, it's been dubbed 6 times...and you return it 3 months later.

You go to a Tamil Cultural program only to find one baratha natyam and six hip hop shows.

You think wearing a bullet proof vest is part of the normal attire for a dinner & dance.

You eat more mutton before 9 am than most people do in a month.

You are somehow related to every new friend you meet

Your remote control is still in its plastic packet

You get a 95% on a test and your parents ask 'What happened to the other 5%?!'

You stare at tamil people when the walk by

You see married couples kissing on TV but have never your mom and dad get within 3 feet of each another.

Your parents never address each other by name.

When you get your first part-time job, your parents expect you to give them half.

Your mother has a minor dispute with her sister-in law and doesn’t talk to her for 10 years.

Your parents say Swiss instead of Switzerland, Germany is German and England is London.

You transited through Germany but claim you were born in Sri Lanka.

You go to a party and your aunt comments on how your skin colour has changed.

You watch a Tamil wedding tape and all the songs from Roja are dubbed in it.

You have a token white/Chinese person as guests, and they all sit at the same table.

When the supply teacher took attendance and there was a sudden pause, you put your hand up and said "here."

You shortened your name to make it sound Anglo.

You have dinner at 10 pm.

When your parents say 'BBC' they don't mean the news station but your uncle Nathan or aunty Kamala.

It's normal for all the relatives to bathe the groom on his wedding day.

Your parents drive half way across the city to 'Basic Foods' just to save a quarter off toilet paper.

You KNOW that your promiscuous second cousin on your father's side is pregnant even before she does.

Your aunties tease you about a particularly eligible cousin....and you like it!!

You can be tried at the war crimes tribunal if you go to a foreign country and don't visit ALL your relatives there.

You were the only kid that took a three course meal of pittu, fried egg, and banana to school.

You serve all your guests tea with milk and 5 spoons of sugar.

You only stop putting more rice on your guest's dinner plate 7 times after they tell you to stop.

anytime you speak back to your parents, you get:

" I toiled my life for you, and this is how you repay me"- Naanga eppadi khasta pattathukku nee ithuvum kathaipa ithukku melayum kathaipa"

Any girl in her tweens is subjected to - "eppa kundu poda poringal" - in terms of menstruation - nice symbolic metaphor..naan enna Osama Bin Laden-ah illati hiroshima-va?..Bloody fools

If you are a girl, you are expected to come home before dark- however if its a son. "ok rasa poitu vaa..kavanam enna" .....- adi serrupaala

any word starting with an S , is actually pronounced beginning with "Is". ie: School= Is-kool

You know that you're Tamil when some one is sick at your home, your relatives will bring HORLICKS.

You know that you're Tamil when halfway through your shower you realize that your Head and Shoulders Shampoo is gone and has been replaced by Shiyakkai Shampoo.

You know that you're Tamil when you walk in to another Tamil family's house and they have the same furniture and dining set as yours!

You know that you're Tamil when your Mom is scared of every size of DOG!

You know you're Tamil when you bring mutton rolls, casseri and vadai to your school's bake sale.

You know you're Tamil when your parents expect you to know every word in the English dictionary. If you don't, they'll ask what they teach you in school.

You know you are Tamil when you put your jewelry in a biscuit tin.

You know you're tamil when your parents tell you should be getting a 100% in English because you speak it fluently.

 

[melody]

Installing Husband..!

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in
the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband d 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but
to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Dear Desperate

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try
to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support