Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

The nympho says "You're done already?"
The hooker says "Are you done yet?"
And the wife says "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

=====

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a
surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they
rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are
crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A
nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child
as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy
children, and ours is so happy." The nurse says, "He's happy now... but
just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."

 

[melody]

Love Poems

POEM 1
I like your style
I like your class
but most of all i like your ass

POEM 2
I'm a cool girl, in a cool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down

POEM 3
Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says i love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hell with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 months in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never wouldn't have happened
If the rubber wouldn't have torn

POEM 4
Guys are like roses,
Watch out for the pricks.

POEM 5
Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a slut.

POEM 6
Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.

POEM 7
Holy mother, full of grace Bless my boyfriend's gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one i sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fucked
And if my Mom happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.

POEM 8
Sex is when a guys communication
enters a girls information
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration

POEM 9
Men are like public toilets
They are either engaged or full of shit!

POEM 10
If guys had periods
They would compare the size of their tampons!

POEM 11
Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...

Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!

 

[melody]

Ways to confuse people! try it out!

1) I NEED TO TELL YOU A SECRET (LO0K AT #5)

2) THE ANSWER IS (L0OK AT #11)

3) D0NT GET MAD (L0OK AT #15)

4) CALM DOWN DONT BE PISSED ( L0OK AT #13)

5) FIRST (L0OK AT #2)

6) D0NT BE THAT MAD (L0OK AT #12)

7) I JUST WANTED TO SAY Hi...LOL

8) WHAT I WANTED TO TELL YOU IS...(THE ANSWER IS ON #14)

9) BE PATIENT (L0OK AT #4)

10) THIS IS THE LAST TIME IMMA DO THIS (L0OK AT #7)

11) IM NOT MAD WHEN IM SAYIN THIS (L0OK AT#6)

12) S0RRY (L0OK AT #8)

13) D0NT BE GETTIN ALL HYPE (L0OK AT #10)

14) I D0NT KNO HOW TO SAY THIS (L0OK AT #3)

15) YOU MUST BE REALLY PISSED O0F (L0OK AT NUMBER #9)

 

[melody]

How an Engineer will commit suicide


http://img390.imageshack.us/img390/6148/suisidewr2.gif

 

[melody]

One day Little Johnny asked his dad, "What's the difference between a
pussy and a cunt?"

Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me."

He took Little Johnny to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping
nude. "Son" he whispered, "See that brown soft furry patch? That is a
pussy."

Little Johnny asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?"

"No!" replied his father. "That might wake the cunt up."

 

[melody]

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she has a smelly pussy.
She explains the problem and the doctor tells her to take all her clothes off and lay on the examination table.

He inspects her quickly and then says, 'Right, just give me a second please.'
He goes behind the screen and comes back with a long stick that has a hook on the end.

"Oh my god!" says the woman in terror, "what are you going to do with that thing?"
The doctor replies, "I'm going to open a window, it smells like a fucking sewer in here."

===============

A young boy was in the shower with his Grandfather and asked him if Grandma looked like them between her legs. Grandpa said, "Nope, when she was young it looked like a beautiful peach with fuzz on it. These days it looks like a cow turd that a wagon wheel has run through."

 

[melody]

Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making
babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little
Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.

"Do you understand?" his mother asked.

"Yes," replied Little Johnny.

"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.

"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny.

"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.

"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will f*ck ANYTHING!"

 

[melody]

The Time of our Life

*I used to have Saturday Night Fever...now I just have Saturday Night
hot flashes.

*Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old...as long as she buys
him a few drinks first.

*My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

*Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

*I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

*I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose...some parts of my body
are just prone to swinging.

*It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
It makes me think I've reached my sexpiration date.

*People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life!
Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

*The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our
"boobs."
The bad news is they have to squat down first.

*These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
relief."

*Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner
child playing with matches.

*Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up.

*Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.

 

[melody]

Skyscrapper

A-1 construction company is putting up a skyscraper in downtown New York. It's Hard-hat Joey's first day working on the fifty-third floor.

At about 11:30, after a morning of riveting, he starts to feel nature calling.

He finds his foreman and asks "Hey boss jew think I can go down and take a piss real quick"

"Hey Joey, ya know I can't do dat" his boss replies, "It'll take ya 10 minutes to get down, and another ten to get back up. That's 20 minutes I just can't spare. Ya know we gotta get this job done by next week" "I tell ya what" says the foreman, "I'll stick this here plank out da window, you go out dere and uh do what ya gotta do"

Joey inches his way out on to the plank, unzips his pants and starts to piss.

Meanwhile the phone rings inside. the foreman, forgetting he was holding the plank for Joey and not wanting to miss the call runs over to answer it.

Needless to say Joey falls and dies.

The next week there is an inquiry into Joey's death and the foreman gets brought up on charges of murder.

The prosecution has one witness that was on the 25th floor. When asked to give his view of what happened, the witness looks around, leans forward and says "you know what I think? I think it had to do with sex. Maybe they were quarreling lovers"

The foreman incensed, stands up and yells what the hell kinda crap is that?"

"Well," says the witness, "when the deceased passed the 25th floor he was holding his dick and screaming 'where'd that cocksucker go?!'"

 

[melody]

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.

Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony?
A: He was getting into everybody's hair.

 

[melody]

What Kind Of Man Are You?

What kind of man are you? Take this test and find out:

1. A woman whispers, "Do me now, big boy..." in your ear. She is
obviously:
a) Short sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self-esteem through meaningless
sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A recording.

2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Sex.
b) Fucking.
c) Enclosure.
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.

3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
b) Blood-test results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila slammers.

4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss Sports night.

5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
is:
a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100 extra.

7. Your girlfriend says she's gained two kilos in weight in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours.
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem - she can join your gym.
d) A conservative estimate.

8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.

9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest day
of my life..."
b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a
lamb..."
c) Ask her who the father is.
d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.

10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

11. A wife is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

12. Masturbation is:
a) Sex with someone you love.
b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
c) A team sport.
d) A cheap date.

13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?:
a) When she drops her nail file.
b) When she goes the color of a Chicago Bulls uniform.
c) When the Earth moves.
d) Who cares?

14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.

15. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing
sexual fantasy?:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please, Pat...."

16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you
expect:
a) An overdraft.
b) A blow job.
c) Her to pay next time.
d) A thank-you letter.

17. You call your penis:
a) John Thomas.
b) 7 times a day.
c) Massive.
d) On its birthday.

18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetiser is to entree.
c) Trailer is to feature.
d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.

19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
b) Free Mike Tyson.
c) Free Willy.
d) Free condom with this survey.

20. During sex you:
a) Haggle.
b) Talk dirty.
c) Talk of love.
d) Talk on the phone.

21. Your local Mayor is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) Never going to vote anyway.

22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
a) Easier.
b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgement.
d) A tricky defense in court.

23. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?:
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
c) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."

24. At what point do you put on the condom?:
a) Before you go out.
b) Before you pass out.
c) As a party trick.
d) Never.

25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and a
carving knife in the other. Do you:
a) Talk through her anger.
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
d) Ask her to put down the knife.

26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Determining the results is simple. Whichever letter you have the most
of, is what type of man you are!

a. An Unreconstructed Male
b. A Right-on Male
c. A Rogue Male or
d. A Delivery Boy of the New Male Order

 

[melody]

A sheik employed a track star to run from the palace to his harem,
which was about three miles away, to fetch one of his wives whenever he
was in the mood. The sheik would nod and the track star would take off.
This event usually took place about three times a day until the runner
died at age 36. The sheik lived to be 96.

The moral of the story is,
"Sex doesn't kill you... it's the running after it that does."

 

[melody]

Valentine Cards That Didn't Make It!!

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk but the thing I like
best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class especially when I'm
spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled. . .
SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty."

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

 

[melody]

Jacko's Q's & A's

Q: Why's Michael cutting down on public appearances?
A: He wants to spend more time with the kids.

Q: How are Michael's friends like U.S. veterans?
A: They all get fucked in the end.

Q: How will they ensure that Michael gets a thorough body search?
A: Hire a Catholic priest to do it.

Q: What will they call the upcoming movie about Michael Jackson?
A: "The African Queen."

Q: How do we know Michael Jackson isn't really a virgin?
A: He's got children out the ass.

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson is running for President?
A: His campaign slogan is "Leave No Child's Behind."

Q: What happens when Michael talks about sex?
A: It's all very tongue in cheek.

Q: What does Michael have in common with NASA?
A: It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.

Q: What do Michael's ass and an LA jail have in common?
A: Both hold the juice.

Q: What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: A Michael Jackson slumber party.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Willie Shoemaker have in common?
A: Both ride four year olds.

Q: How do we know Michael Jackson is ready to release another album?
A: He has a lot of stuff in the can.

Q: What will they call Michael's new TV series?
A: "Anus and Andy."

Q: What do Michael and Mrs. Perot have in common?
A: Both fuck little assholes.

Q: Why does Michael travel with a huge road crew?
A: He always has a lot of shit to pack.

Q: Why doesn't Michael sleep with boys anymore?
A: He's tired of all the cracks.

Q: Why did Michael go to college?
A: To get his Bachelor of Arse degree.

Q: Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
A: He's a crack shooter.

Q: Why's Michael opening a sperm bank?
A: He always has a shitload of semen.

Q: Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
A: Emily Dick in son.

Q: What's the difference between Michael and a proctologist?
A: A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.

Q: Why doesn't Michael have orgasms?
A: The big payoff comes a couple of months later.

Q: Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately?
A: He has a lot to plug.

Q: What's the most difficult stain to try to remove from a little boy's
underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's makeup.

Q: Have you heard about the new Michael Jackson candy bar?
A: It's made from white chocolate, and contains no nuts.

 

[melody]

Nasty Little Johnny

Little Johnny and little girl playing in a mud box and Little Johnny,
being a little boy, was playing with his goober.

The little girl was not bothering anybody she was sitting there playing
with a crawfish when all of a sudden she dropped the crawfish between
her legs.

Little Johnny had got bored and wanted to see what kind of equipment the
little girl had. He put his hand down between the girl¢s legs and you
can imagine what happened ... YES ... Little Johnny's finger was just
about taken off.

Poor Little Johnny ... this gave him a complex. All through grammar
school, middle school, high school, he wouldn't have anything to do with
a girl. He went to college and the last year there, he met this girl
and after college they got married. They had been married now for about
6 months and Johnny came home to a crying wife.

She said, "Honey sit down we need to talk. Am I ugly? Do you love me?"

He said, "No you¢re not ugly. And yes I love you. And why do you ask?"

"Because we dated a year in college and have been married for six months
and we have not made love," she said.

Johnny said, "I am so sorry. Let me tell you a story about what happened
to me when I was a kid." And he did.

The woman started laughing and said, "Honey I promise I won't hurt you!"

Johnny said, "I'm sorry but if you can't love me for who I am then we
need to split up."

She said, "Just let me prove it!" So she stood up, took all her cloths
off and went to the kitchen and got a piece of bread. She went back to
her husband and said, "Watch."

She started to put the bread down there when she farted!

Johnny flew into the bedroom and locked the door. The wife beat on the
door and pleaded for him to come out!!

He replied, "Oh no I told you it would hurt me! If that sucker growls
over a piece of bread, just imagine what it will do to a piece of MEAT!"

 

[melody]

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened
to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

"Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy, so he promptly dropped his
pants to show off his penis operation.

"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"

 

[melody]

What do you call a homosexual's athletic supporter?
A fruit cup.
===
Proctologist: "Do you know I just pulled a dozen roses out of your rectum?"
Gay patient: "Is that so? What's the card say?"
===
What's blue and comes in Brownies?
Cub Scouts.
===
Where do women pilots sit?
In the cuntpit.
===
When is a wet dream hazardous?
When you're under a electric blanket.
===
What do you call a faggot in the navy?
A Rear Admiral.
===
What do you call two women in a freezer?
Cold cunts.

 

[melody]

~ Q ~
Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
~ A ~
They both feel good but you wonder who's been there before you.

~ Q ~
Why do men like jacking off in front of a mirror?
~ A ~
Because objects appear larger than they really are!

 

[melody]

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately.

When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum."

The girl replies, "It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis".

 

[melody]

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise. Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells, "Abandon ship! Women and children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw the children." The Priest then replies, "Do we have time for that?"

~~~~~~~~~~~

Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm
gonna rip the wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.