Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

More Sexual caloric content

It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until
now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of
different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary"
research they are proud to present the results.


REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................................12 Calories
Without her consent...............................2187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands......................................8 Calories
With one hand.......................................12 Calories
With your teeth....................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection.....................................6 Calories
Without an erection...............................3315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary..........................................12 Calories
69 lying down.......................................78 Calories
69 standing up.....................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow........................................216 Calories
Doggy Style........................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier................................2912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real...............................................112 Calories
Fake..............................................1315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................................18 Calories
Getting up immediately..............................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immedia..........816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years.........................................36 Calories
30-39 years.........................................80 Calories
40-49 years........................................124 Calories
50-59 years.......................................1972 Calories
60-69 years.......................................7916 Calories
70 and over...........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:
Calmly..............................................32 Calories
In a hurry..........................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..............5218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.............13,521 Calories

Results may vary.

 

[melody]

Q. Did you hear about the gay guy that's on the patch?
A. He's down to four butts a day.

Q. What does a poof and an ambulance have in common?
A. They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

Q. Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A. He found a hare up his ass.

Q. Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
A. So sex wouldn't be such a pain in the arse.

Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.

 

[melody]

Farmer Johnson is whipping and slapping his sheep when
around the corner comes the local minister.

The minister gently says, "My goodness, Farmer Johnson, you're
certainly giving that sheep quite a beating. You wouldn't
do that to your wife, would you now?"

The farmer disgustedly retorts, "I would if she farted and
jumped sideways every time I tried to fuck her!"

 

[melody]

Learn Chinese in 2 minutes ...

(Please read definitions aloud for optimal memory retention)

1) That's not right ...................... Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive....... Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP........................ ..Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man ............................ Dum Fuk

5) Small Horse ....................... .... Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?........... Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped into a coffee table.......Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

8) I think you need a face lift........ Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here ............. Wao So Dim

10)I thought you were on a diet....Wai Yu Mun Ching

 

[melody]

Mrs. Jones, can Billy come out and play?
Now, Children, you know he has leprosy.
Well, can we come in and watch him rot?

====================

Two dykes in a bar were looking at a woman across the room. The first
dyke said, "Boy, I sure would like to plumb her depths with my tongue."
"No, you wouldn't," said the second, "I know her, and she's hung like
a doughnut."
====================

Two faggots are in a hot tub pushing a big turd back and forth in the
water. Another fag walks by and asks, "What the hell are you two doing?"
"We are teaching our baby to swim!"

====================

Q: What is the most tactless thing you can say to a woman in a mastectomy
clinic as you offer her some coffee to drink?
A: "One lump, or two?"

====================

Two East Indian holy men are shitting in the forest, when all of a sudden a
large tiger walks into the glade in front of them.
"Are you afraid Saaduu?" Says one.
"No" Replies the other.
"Then why the fuck are you wiping MY arse?"

 

[melody]

Two mates were sitting at a bar talking about girls.
"You know," says the first guy. "I've got a girl that doesn't smoke,
doesn't drink, doesn't swear, goes to bed early, yet she wants
sex all the time, and will do all the kinky things I want."

"Hey, that's great." Says the second guy.
"Yeah, and tomorrow I'm throwing her a surprise birthday party, do you
wanna come? asks the first guy.

"Sure, but what sort of present should I buy her?" asks the second guy.
"Oh, just get her a barbie doll, its only her fifth birthday!" says the
first guy.

 

[melody]

Old Mother Hubbard
Was found in her cupboard,
Her flesh eaten
Through to the bone.
When they discovered
Old Father Hubbard
'Said, "Bitch wouldn't"
"Leave me alone."
_____

Q: What's 10 inches long, 2 inches thick, and starts with a P?
A: A really good shit.
_____

Simple words to live by...

When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown,
but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack
them in the head.
_____

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub.
Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies,
"Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."
_____

A little boy wearing a cowboy hat and toy sixguns walked into
an ice cream store and asked for a bananna split. The girl waiting on
him said, "OK, would you like your nuts crushed?"
"Fuck no, lady! How would you like your tits shot off?"

 

[melody]

And The Bad News Is.....

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my thoughlessness. I'm sure you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down Ok? Don't read any further unless you're sitting down.

Ok? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three times a day now. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show. That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village. That's an important government position where he comes from. Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for Senator Obama, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

-Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great... I love it, though I miss you both
terribly...and Socks, too!

P.P.S. Dad, please give my best to Monica and the others.

 

[melody]

Little Johnny asked, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replied, "The stork brings them."

Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the storks?

 

[melody]

A guy goes to the pediatrician with his daughter. The father and the
doctor are having the standard "after checkup" talk while the girl sits
in the waiting room.

The father asks the doctor "What do you think about birth control?"

The doctor, rather shocked, replies "Sir, your daughter is only 11,
surely she's not sexually active."

To which the father replies "Oh no, she just lays there like her
mother."

 

[melody]

The Pilot And The Farmer

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field. The
farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the
farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were
standing there talking when the farmer's wife came down the steps. The
pilot couldn't believe how beautiful she was.

"How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out
and work the fields?"

"I trust my wife," the farmer said. "She's never been unfaithful."

"I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she'll be
unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your
fiddle."

"It's a deal." So, the pilot and the farmer's wife go upstairs. About a
half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing
it.

"Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me,
Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours." Another fifteen minutes
pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her
if she stayed true to him.

She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it. "He kissed me
on the lips, He kissed me on the tits, He kissed me in the middle. He
kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your fucking fiddle."

 

[melody]

Last 10 Things A Woman Would Ever Say:


10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that Way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

 

[melody]

Q: What would happen if the earth spun 30 times faster than it does now?
A: Every day would be payday and all the women in the world would bleed to
death.

Q: Why don't women have brains?
A: They don't have a cock to keep them in!

Q: What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A: A pussy is soft , warm and delightful and it's owned by a cunt.

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Kick her in the guts.

Q: What's the difference between a 69 and being mugged?
A: With a 69 at least you see the cunt creeping up on you.

Q: What's green and melts in your mouth.
A: A leper's cock!

Q: What's the difference between a terrorist and a wife?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What is the favorite fast food place for queers?
A: Burger Queen.

Q: Why don't women like to cross a rooster with a peanut butter sandwich?
A: Because they get a cock that sticks to the roof of their mouths.

Daffynition: A perfect 10 - a girl with no teeth who is waist high and
has a flat head on which you can set your drink.

Daffynition: A Cinderella perfect 10 - a girl who sucks and fucks until
the stroke of midnight and then turns into a pizza and a six pack.

 

[melody]

Classic Little Johnny

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather
curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the
older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he
took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead
of explaining things to Little Johnny, she told him to hide behind the
curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, Little Johnny described everything
to his mother.

'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off
most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured
Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He
must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart
as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them
started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have
been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got
worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward
the end of the couch.

This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told
him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had
gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and
stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one
hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really
scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started
calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one
she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.
All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while
he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to
keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she
could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel.
The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing
and her boyfriend almost upset the couch.

I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her
boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because
it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went
back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By
golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight
again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or
something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on
it. After a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew
it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush
it down the toilet.

 

[melody]

January 1
With my wife I don't get no respect. I told her when I die I wanna be cremated. She's planning a barbeque.

January 2
With my wife I don't get no respect. She told me she wanted sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.

January 3
With my wife I don't get no respect. I got no sex life. In my house we put the mirror over the dogs bed.

January 4
When I was born I got no respect. When the doctor told my mother, "I did all I could but he pulled through anyway."

January 5
With my wife I don't get no respect. Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

January 6
With my wife I don't get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. My wife lit it!

January 7
With my wife I don't get no respect. The other night she told me to take out the garbage. I told her I already took out the garbage. Then she told me to go out and keep an eye on it.

January 8
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to "the best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me.

January 9
With my wife I don't get no respect. Why she kisses the dog on the lips and she won't drink from my glass.

January 10
With my wife I don't get no respect. I had a fight with the dog. My wife said the dog was right. And she told me this right in front of the dog! Now the dog has no respect. My wife throws the ball. He waits for me to bring it back.

January 11
With the dog I don't get no respect. He makes me feel like I'm dirty. He jumps on my bed, and then he smells it for ten minutes before he lays down on it.

January 12
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

January 13
With my dog I don't get no respect. His favorite bone is in my finger.

January 14
With girls I don't get no respect. When I was makin love to one girl she started to cry. I said to her, "You'll hate yourself in the morning." She said, "No, I hate myself now!"

January 15
When I was a kid I got no respect. My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid out, he's destracting from the show."

January 16
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."

January 17
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

January 18
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-n-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

January 19
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin from one end to the other.

January 20
When I was a kid I got no respect. I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me to wait til it gets warmer.

January 21
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster. My old man told me to stand up straight.

January 22
When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.

January 23
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

January 24
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

January 25
With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

January 26
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

January 27
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

January 28
When I was a kid I got no respect. My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

January 29
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark....."

January 30
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

January 31
When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me...... and no one showed up.

 

[melody]

Amazing Points to Ponders

1.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird)

2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought)

3.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd)

4.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)

5.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)

6.Can you cry under water? (let me try)

7.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (i think they meant something else)

8.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)

9.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)

10.Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes)

12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight i will stay and watch)

13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)

14.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)

15.What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)

16.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help )

17.Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)

18.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it)

19.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)

20.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?

21.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)

22.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice)

23.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law)

24. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in Bars

 

[melody]

Woman In The Shadows

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

 

[melody]

I am still waiting........................

I'm Still waiting....
I did what you told me ...
I sent the email to 10 people like you said ..
I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen .​

http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/6603/jokeqk8.jpg

To all my friends who in the last year sent me best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel' letters or other
promises of good luck if I forwarded something,
NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!
For 2008, could you please just send money, Vodka, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead?
Thank you!...​

 

[melody]

http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/9526/16891d6db1eb1.jpg

http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/7059/16901e661aoz3.jpg

 

[melody]

Addicted To Coffee

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
*You sleep with your eyes open.
*You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
*The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
*You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
*You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
*You chew on other people's fingernails.
*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
*You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
*You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
*You can jump-start your car without cables.
*You don't sweat, you percolate.
*You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
*You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
*You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
*People get dizzy just watching you.
*Instant coffee takes too long.
*You channel surf faster without a remote.
*You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
*You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
*You short out motion detectors.
*You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
*Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
*You help your dog chase its tail.
*You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
*You ski uphill.
*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
*You answer the door before people knock.
*You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.