Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

10 Husbands Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[melody]

Top 10 Reasons Fishing Is Better Than Sex.....

10. LASTS FROM DAWN TILL DUSK

9. YOU HAVE YOUR OWN SECRET HOLE

8. ALLOWED SEVERAL FISH DAILY

7. CAN CHOOSE THE LENGTH OF YOUR ROD

6. CAN FISH ANY TIME OF THE MONTH

5. YOU CLEAN IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT

4. ABLE TO TAKE A NAP WHILE YOU FISH

3. THE COST OF BAIT IS CHEAPER THAN A DATE

2. YOU CAN ALWAYS THROW IT BACK

1. YOUR FAVORITE CATCH CAN BE MOUNTED ON THE WALL

 

[melody]

A Junior Philosopher..

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with

your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three

women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one

Licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her

cone, which one is married?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But

I like the way you are thinking".

The Teacher Fainted...

 

[melody]

Boss at a Motel

A man and his secretary are having an affair, so one afternoon they get a motel room and have strenuous sex. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 that night, at which time he realizes it's late and that he has to get home.
He says to his secretary, "Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complies. When the man gets home about 9:30 his wife confronts him and asks him where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home." The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf again!"

 

[melody]

Guilt

A guy goes to the supermarket, and a beautiful woman smiles at him and says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place how he knows her.
So he asks, "Do you know me?"
The woman says, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
His mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife,
and he says, "My God! Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching?"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

 

[melody]

Mommy, Mommy!

Mommy, Mommy! I'd like to play marbles now!
Shut up, we'll get Grandpa's glass eye when he goes to sleep!

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all the dog food?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.

Mommy ! Mommy ! I don't want to go to England!
Shut the fuck up, and keep swimming!

Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to visit Grandma
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!

Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor

Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!

Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spaghetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.

Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning?
Shut up, and keep licking.

Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung

Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!

Mommy, Mommy! I'd like to play marbles now!
Shut up, Grandpa wants his glass eye back!

Mommy, Mommy! Don't push me towards the
elevator shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT

"Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?"
"Shut up, you know that grandma's leg isn't infected anymore."

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.

Mommy, Mommy!, can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush the toilet like the other kids.

Mommy, Mommy!, When is the pool going to be ready?
Shut up and keep spitting.

Mommy, Mommy! I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea soup!
Shut up, do you expect me to strain Grandpa's vomit?

Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy! Can we have the nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infected.

Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up and get the maple syrup.

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!

"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."

Mommy, Mommy! I just sucked Daddy and my mouth smells shit!
Well, your little brother probably has diarrhea...

Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying?
Shut up and eat your hot dog!

 

[melody]

The Last 10 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say


10. Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being
friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that
way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit
are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

 

[melody]

Funny Sexual Positions

All The Sexual Positions That You Can Try With Your Special Someone Tonight!

Snowball: Ah yes, every man's worst nightmare, the dreaded snowball. This happens when a girl blows you and spits the jizz in your mouth. Another definition is when a girl blows some other guy, and then gives you a hot sloppy kiss with some of that guy's fresh jizz still in her mouth. With all those dirty broads out there, odds are it has happened to you. Just ask your friends if it has, cause they probably already know and have been laughing their asses off at you.

Rear Admiral: An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (while both partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to anything when she is bent over. Then, drive you hips into her backside so that you end up pushing her forwards. The goal is to push her into a wall or table. It's almost as much fun watching her face hit the floor. You rise to Admiral status when you can bang her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips.

Pablocopter: Ok, you start ramming her from behind, then you bust all in your condom. You slip it off, tie it off in a knot and swing it around while you sing Petey Pablo's line of, "Swing it like a helicopter."

Polish Abortion: Well, you can do this after the Pablocopter, you tie the condom in a knot, then you throw it against the wall and yell, "That fucker ain't going nowhere." That's how the polish have an abortion.

Turkey Gobbler: Ok, when a girl is giving you dome, you punch her right it her stomach, so you knock the wind out of her. With all the air rushing out of her mouth, you shove your cock down her throat. The wind will hit your dick and should make a noise like a gobbling turkey.

French Revolution: After discovering your girlfriend is cheating on you, arrange a romantic encounter for that evening. Prior to her arrival, jerk off ferociously five or six times, making an erection impossible. She will begin to blow you, and her failure to charm the old snake will only make her slobber much more intensely. Now, scream out the name of the dude she's been banging as you fill her mouth with pee.

Table Time: This is when you are bending someone over a table doggy style, and right as you are about to cum in the heat of the moment you ask them "What time is it?" When they look back at you confused and say, "What?" You then slam their head into the table and say "It's Table time Bitch"

Tabasco Breakup: Before sex, you replace your trusty everyday lube with 5-6 ounces of flaming hot Tabasco sauce and liberally apply it to the outside of your condom. Now I'm not talking about that mild, weak shit that you get at Taco Bell, I am talking about that silly hot dark green shit that you can only find in the dark jungles of some unknown foreign country. After you've greased up, you quickly slide it in and give her about 2-8 quick pumps, pull out and roll over snickering and watch the bitch break the sound barrier as she runs for the bathroom holding her burning cooch. You tell her it is supposedly some sort of new strain of incurable STD, and finish up the relationship by emptying her purse and stealing her car.

 

[melody]

SIZE

'I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife,' the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, 'but I don't know her size.'

'Will this help?' she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

'Oh, yes,' he answered. 'Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.'

'Will there be anything else?' the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

'Now that you mention it,' he replied, 'she also needs a bra and panties.'

 

[melody]

New Husband

In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.

After the marriage Friday came. They went to the Mikva. Then home to prepare to light the candles.

The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting he candles, it's a mitzvah to have sex."

So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.

They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.

After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.

On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, "So how is the new husband?"

She replies, "Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family."

 

[melody]

Headache

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said." I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

 

[melody]

Some things will never change

I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.

She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week."

I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.

She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."

 

[melody]

THE OLD MOTOR

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.'
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'
The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

 

[melody]

Monkey In The Plane

Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.
The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Tying their belts"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Checking the system"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Looking for my people"

Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
Monkey: "Make up"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the steering"
Officer: "What were you doing?"
Monkey: "Nothing"

Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
Monkey: "All were sleeping"
Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
Monkey: "Handling the air hostess"
Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!! !

No more Questions!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

 

[melody]

Torpedo Attack

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese.

A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something... at least they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"

The crew burst out laughing.

So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table.

Just when his dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.

As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?"

The navigator told him how he hit his dick against the table.

The captain replied, "Well, in the future you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"

 

[melody]

Life sentenceThe bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex.
Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.
Therefore, what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.
Then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re- imprison him.
"After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!
"The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again.
"Limply turning his head, he YELLS at her, "Hey, it is not a life sentence!"

 

[melody]

"escort"
A man finds himself staying in a Vegas hotel room while on a business trip.

Not wishing to be alone, he calls an "escort" service for some company.

Soon, a strikingly beautiful hooker arrives. Without preamble the hooker says, "I want to tell you right up front, my minimum fee is 500 Dollars, and that's for a hand job."

"500 Dollars for a hand job? Why, that's outrageous!" the man exclaimed. "No hand job in the world could be worth 500 Dollars!"

The hooker summons the man to the window and points down onto the parking lot below.

"See that cherry red Maserati down there? I own that because of what I can do with my hands." Against his better judgment, the man pays the 500 Dollars and sure enough the hooker sends him into utter bliss, by far the best sexual experience of his life. After he recuperates he says to the hooker, "God that was fantastic!! How much for a blowjob?"

"2,500 Dollars," the hooker replied.

"2,500 Dollars for a blowjob?" cried the astonished man. "That's way too much!"

Again the hooker summons the man to the window, this time pointing across the street. "Do you see that large medical building right off the strip there? I own that because of what I can do with my mouth."

"Oh no," moans the man, "this is gonna break me, but I just have to try it."

Once again the hooker takes him to the edge of the universe and back, far surpassing the pleasure he received earlier, leaving him utterly drained and totally gratified.

As soon as the man can speak again, he says, "I just have to know. How much do you get for pu$$y?"

The hooker drags the man to the window for a third time, points and proclaims, "Do you see the MGM Grand Hotel sitting there on the corner? I could own that if I had a pu$$Y!

 

[melody]

Johnny & Jenny..

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Mr. Smith faints

 

[melody]

Upgrade your health plan

Looking into new health plan ??

A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour
she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! ......Why
is he doing that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, .........I'm
very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious
condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he
doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain
and his testicles could easily rupture.'

''Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed
while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,
........'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, 'Same illness, better health plan.'

 

[melody]

Pussies Galore
Part 3


SHORTCHANGED PUSSY
When the woman is extremely sexy and beautiful. She moves the right way
and oozes sensuality. When it comes to sex, she has no clue. The very
thought of stroking this Pussy can make you cum before its time. She
talks a good game but Cannot walk the talk. Kissing her is like
watching a cartoon. When she tries to guide your dick into her pussy,
she cuts it with her nails. By the time you get another boner, her
pussy is dry and feels like sandpaper. By the time you get in, you find
out that your dick is too big for her short pussy. When you go to lick
the pussy you find out that it is a little tart and now you start
thinking to yourself, "How can such a fine woman be so feeble?"
Undaunted, you decide that you're going to make the best of a bad
situation and get your rocks off when she says "Don't cum in me because
I'm not taking anything."

~~~~~

AMAZON PUSSY
Gentlemen, this is the gold mine pussy. This pussy is the pussy that you
commit yourself too. You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept
secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for this pussy. When you
get this pussy, you go through convulsions. This is the pussy that makes
you READY even when you ain't. You call in sick from work for it. This
pussy is so major it is YES M'AM PUSSY, WATERING HOLE PUSSY, THUNDER
THIGHS PUSSY and GODDAMN PUSSY all in one. This is the pussy that you
want to put insurance on, just in case anything should happen to it.
This pussy makes you stutter while, speaking and has you nervous for no
reason!!!!

~~~~~

WATERING HOLE PUSSY
This is good convenient pussy. Easy pussy. Pussy you can call when your
body needs a fix. She gives you major head like SWEET LIPS PUSSY, and
fucks you like THUNDER THIGHS PUSSY. Only thing is, you do not have a
woman so you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this pussy is
ready. Her pussy craves your dick. This pussy is available in any place
at anytime.