Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. What's the definition of a vagina?
A. The box a penis comes in.

Q. What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
A. "Nice Dick!"

Q. What's the definition of indefinitely?
A. When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in-
definitely!

Q. What's the ultimate in rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

 

[melody]

Q: What is the definition of Gross?
A1: Kissing your grandmother and she slips you the tongue.
A2: Biting into a hot dog and it has veins.
A3: When you throw your undies at the wall, and they stick.
A4: You're sitting on you grandfather's lap and he pop a boner.
A5: Your little brother has lost his scab collection and you're
eating his corn flakes.
A6: Finding a string in your bloody mary.

 

[melody]

A rich lady gives her butler the night off
because she is going out on a date. When she
arrives back home from the date she saw the
butler was still home and sitting in the front
room. She approached the butler and requested
him to take off her dress, the butler then took
off her dress.
She then asked the butler to take off her bra,
which he did.
She then asked him to take off her panties and
he did this also, the lady then told the butler
never to dress in her clothes again.

 

[melody]

A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so
homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year, also, he's sooooo
dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how
long he slept. So he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the
world to score a date with this ravishing buxom blonde. Then suddenly
she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather
chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender calls out last drink for
alcohol, then the blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have
this last drink at my apartment." Taken back by her request, and
trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "OK." They get up from the
bar stool arm and arm headed for the door, when the blonde stops him and
says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to
tell you, I'm on my menstrual cycle." He says, ..."That's ok, I'll
follow you in my Honda."

 

[melody]

Things You Really Did Not Want To Know...

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12
liter of urine.

In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with
15 penises (touching door handles etc.)

An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic
hairs.

In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently
masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Annually you will shake hands with 6 men who have recently masturbated
and failed to wash their hands.

In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty
linen basket.

At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a
cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breath in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

 

[melody]

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad,
so make arrangement.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and
I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going
abroad for a week, so let's spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tuition: I have work for a week, so you need
not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a
week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets
spend the week together.



Grandpa (the 1st boss ;)) make call to his secretary: This week I am
spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend
that meeting.

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss
has some work, we cancelled our trip.

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend
this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving
private tuition: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my
teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I
can't give you company.



Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this
week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At last do you think that the Boss will be going to the meeting as he planned....?

 

[melody]

50 Things Guys Wish Girls Knew......
Part 1

1. If you want to cuddle after sex go buy a teddy bear.

2. Swallow. Don’t start the race if you ain’t gonna finish it.

3. While giving a hand job please remove all rings from your fingers,
they hurt really bad.

4. Shave your shit. Seriously, shave it bald.

5. Remember that a little blood never hurt nobody.

6. There is no such thing as a fat, ugly, blow job.

7. If you ask us to any sort of dance that requires that we wear a
tie, we expect a sexual favor in return.

8. If you used a vibrator and let us watch it might be the greatest
moment of our life.

9. If you wonder why we will not eat you out it is most likely
because; it stinks, its hairy, or it stinks and its hairy.

10. You masturbate and we know it. When you do it just let us watch.

11. Birth control is the best invention ever. Start poppin those bitches.

12. Just cause we call you when we are drunk does not mean that we
like you. It means that we need some ass.

13. Guys night out means guys night out. It doesn’t mean that you and
your friends meet us at the bar later.

14. If you wonder why your ass looks fat in those tight pants its
because you have a fat ass.

15. If you are with us and you start to cry for any reason just get up
and leave.

16. Don’t think that we don’t know that after we take you out and you order a salad to make us think you eat healthy that you go home and
order pizza with your fat friends.

17. Once again, seriously shave your shit.

18. Just cause you get our dick one night, does not give you any right
to get it the next.

19. If we drink too much, we do not need someone to hold our hair back
and act like our babysitter. We have puked before and know how to
handle it.

20. After we are through with you, do not expect to make us jealous by
fucking our friends. We really don’t care what you do.

21. If we cheat on you and you never find out about it, then its not cheating.

22. If we cheat on you and you do find out, at least it wasn’t with
one of your friends.

23. Swallow(just in case you forgot #2 already).

24. We don’t have a problem with watching chick flicks as long as we
get in your pants after.

25. Never under any circumstance take a shit while you are around us
or fart. Just thinking about it makes us sick.

 

[melody]

"20 WAYS MEN FAIL IN BED"
Take notes, all you Casanovas...

1) NOT KISSING FIRST: Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR: Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic .and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING: You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST: Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hands on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES: Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES: Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY: A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So, start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED: Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT: Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS: Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK: Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY: Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY: Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA: Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY: You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY: Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST: A man in socks and underpants is the worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST: When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool. She'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD: If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON: Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

 

[melody]

17 Ways Women Fail In Bed

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick, don't grab it
like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a damn
cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment
to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder
and beauty, and should be awed, worshiped and held tenderly
at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face
should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick, don't just get on
the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward.
It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected,
kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced
to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort
of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can
blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh! If your creative man
gets carried away and says things like, "Ride my hard cock, you
filthy cock-sucking slut," or "I want to rinse your mouth with
my fresh, white hot love potion." Laughter at any aspect of
the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've
got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to
come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share
this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen
is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases -- but
this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all-important. Don't
wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present.
You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss
and cuddle. No matter what he says, he does not want to touch
you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you
are a one-night stand, you should leave the premises without
thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is
done. Just get the fuck out.

8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know
you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it, as you
can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use
them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you
have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of
saying, "Are you going to come soon?" If you're doing a blowie,
you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If
you're giving a handjob, you should have gone to the gym to work
your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than ten
minutes, you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a
blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted
human beings.

11. FISHING F! OR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're
the best lover he has ever had. Most men have had so many
sexual partners that it is unlikely that *you* are. Please don't
ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something! Good
sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move
around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and
skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the
equipment and know-how to do it, but at least put some effort
into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative
lover who can satisfy two women at a time, don't sneer at or reject
his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make
up a threesome. If he's a real man, he's probably shagging her,
anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your
man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic
hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past
it's sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old.
If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner
favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather
be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble
to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to
spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture.
You should play with semen like a piece of Hubba Bubba,
blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line
like "I love it when you come in my mouth," makes for a happy
finale to fun and games.

16. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the
effort and energy he has expended on making love to you --
especially if: a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or
b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is
far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when
one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your
man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he
drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask: "Do you
think I should buy that dress/skirt/ sofa/Mercedes/ country cottage?"

 

[melody]

Martha Stewart vs. Real Woman

Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.

The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you
are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

~~~~~
Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
~~~

Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
~~~~~
Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

The Real Women's Way:
If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad. Please
recite with me, The Real Women's motto: The way I make it is the way you eat
it, and the way you like it!!!
~~~~~

Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
~~~~~

Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful
glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over
the crust so I just don't do it.
~~~~~

Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have
the headache, but who cares?
~~~~~

Martha's way #8:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They
give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:
Ask "useless" to do it, while he's sitting on his butt watching TV.
~~~~~

And finally the most important tip

Martha's way #9:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women's Way:
Leftover wine??????

 

[melody]

Indian Boy attending class in U.S.A.

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:

'Patrick Henry,
1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.

Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more! About its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004..'

The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
'Oh shit, we're fucked!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.'

 

[melody]

Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don't look down.

Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you're dead.

Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo

Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out!

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.

Q. What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore's fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you.

Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!

Q. What do you call a truck full of dildos?
A. Toys for Twats

Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.

Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.

Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.
Q. Why did God invent yeast infection?
A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.

Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home shit faced.

 

[melody]

CYBER SEX

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see
below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an
online chat
doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he
does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are
36-24-36.
What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on
a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from WalMart. I'm also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells
funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your
eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to
fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and
rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My
soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's
stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
breasts. My
nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with
a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's
the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked
bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman' s thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture
frames
and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at
it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: (logged off)

 

[melody]

A Man's Thoughts On Fellatio

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't we will
find someone(younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than
licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word
"queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit.
Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling on your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only
way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up.

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days,
you need all the fluids you can get--trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me
when I tell you that we got the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too--we like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when
you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be
"sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about
getting any on your face, now will you?

 

[melody]

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.

Did you hear about the blonde virgin who wasn't upset about losing her
cherry? She figured she could always get a new one, since she still had
the box it came in.

Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the
bowl? "Just flush it like everybody else does."

What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? All you
have to do is scratch the box to win.

Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
So she could lip read.

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

 

[melody]

A NORTHERNER MOVES TO ARIZONA

May 30th - Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to
live . beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings . mountains and
deserts blended together. What a place!! I watched the sunset, from a
park, lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home.
I love it here.

June 14th - Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem . I live in an air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a
pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun
worshipper.

June 30th - Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today, lots
of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do
people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting
used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th - Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of
my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson
though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th - I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left
this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had
swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000
worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now
smells like Kibbles and kitty bits. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th - Dry heat, my ass! Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is
on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me
he needed to order parts.

July 30th - Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now.
$1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I
ever come here?

Aug 4th - It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman
pissed in my pool. I hate this state.

Aug 8th - If another wise-ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm
going to tear his throat out. Cursed heat. By the time I get to work the
radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like
roasted Garfield!!

Aug 10th - The weather report might as well be a recording: Hot and
sunny. It's been too hot to live for two months and the weatherman says
it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren
desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth
of cactus just dried up and blew into the pool. Even a cactus can't live
in this heat.

Aug 14th - Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to
crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The
installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife
had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th - Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The
monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than
hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500
windshield. That does it, we're moving back to Massachusetts for some
peace and quiet.

 

[melody]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

 

[melody]

Two 90 year olds had been ****** for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

 

[melody]

Guy walks into a bar and sees his friend, head hanging down, nursing a drink. Naturally he walks over and asks "What's Wrong?" His friend replied, "I'm in deep shit. This morning the police arrested me for pissing in the shower. The first guy says, "That's kind of gross but I there's no law against it." His friend answered, "I didn't think it was a big deal either but those people at Home Depot are being real shit heads.

 

[melody]

A man was sitting next to a woman in a mini bus that was traveling on a long and lonely highway for hours. It was beginning to rain; so all the windows were closed. The man needed to fart, but was scared that the woman would smell.

Very gingerly he lifted his tail and farted silently, he smelled it and wanted to form a conversation with the woman just in case she smelled it. He looked out the window and said to her "You see that black cloud in the sky? That has rain behind it."

She then said, "You smell that fart? That has shit behind it."