Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized
halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was
about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their
rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not
going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed
their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun,
"You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing
I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking
off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed
to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well,
Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either.
Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If
I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel ass
and lets get the hell out of here!"

 

[sakuraguy]

The thread is shining and smiling with mel's hard effort of jokes ..

 

[sh@rty 5]

agree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mel thxs a lot

 

[melody]

guess U 2 are my fans..:proud:
but then again, there could be some shy silent ones out there..

 

[melody]

She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .

I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame
you for ignoring me.

I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room,
I still want you right now!

This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.

Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot.

Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to
watch pornos again?

I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.

You're my daddy! You're my daddy!

The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her
over for dinner on Friday.

Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl?
(Good one!)

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on
fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a
field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again!? Kick ass.

liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl-
friend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool,
I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a
wonderful Valentine's day gift!

Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have
to mess with it anymore.

I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of
Chuck's bare ass!

My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for
you and your friends.

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it
again.

Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You
passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!

You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let
me watch Sportscenter.

 

[melody]

Lessons Learned from Porn...


Women wear high heels to bed.

Men are never impotent.

When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

All women are noisy when rooting.

People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in
the background.

A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum. If there is two of them they
"high five" each other.(and the girl isn't disgusted!)

Double penetration makes women smile.

If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes,
the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove
your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

Nurses suck patient’s cocks.

Men always pull out.

When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll
only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind
her to "suck it".

Arseholes are clean.

A man ejaculating on a woman’s butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers
and find a cock there.

Men don't have to beg.

When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly
on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his
hip.

 

[melody]

Advice from Paul

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every stranger who looks at you over the fence.

Men don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalized car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Sweet corn fans. Save money on low paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the low seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenager by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

 

[melody]

Something wild

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old
man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son

 

[melody]

That's Resolution..!

By the beginningthe of year, we all set to go thru a new resolution for new year
for a better cause..

Let's see here one same resolution of a funny couple..

HUSBAND:

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days.

The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

1. We will wake the kids...........................54 times
2. It's too late..........................................15 times
3. I'm too tired........................... ..............42 times
4. It's too early........................................ 12 times
5. It's too hot............................... ...........18 times
6. Pretending to be asleep........... .............31 times
7. The neighbors will hear............. ............9 times
8. Headache or backache............ ............ 26 times
9. Sunburn................................... .........10 times
10. Your mother will hear us......... ........9 times
11. Not in the mood...................... ........ 21 times
12. Watching the late show.......... .......... 17 times
13. Too sore................................. ........ 26 times
14. New hairdo............................ ..... .... 6 times
15. Wrong time of the month........ ..... ..... 14 times
16. You had to go to the bathroom. ..... .....19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed,
the result was not always satisfying because

6..... times you just laid there,
8.....times you reminded that there was a crack in the ceiling,
4..... times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7..... times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and
once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing
around and breathing heavy.

Let's try to improve this, shall we?
Love, Your Hubby

xxx000xxx

WIFE :

My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get
more than you did this past year:

1. Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat..........23 times
2. Did not come home at all............................... ..... 36 times
3. Came home but slept in car ..................... ..... .....21 times
4. Came too soon....................................... ..... .....38 times
5. Went soft before you got it in. ..............................19 times
6. Cramps in your leg..............................................16 times
7. Working too late........................................ .........33 times
8. You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat............29 times
9. Caught yourself in your zipper..............................15 times
10. You had a cold and your nose kept running...........21 times
11. You had burned your tongue on hot coffee/cigar....9 times
12. You had a splinter in your finger..........................11 times
13. You lost the notion after thinking about it..............42 times
14. Came in your pj's after reading a dirty book.........16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me
and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time ,
I didn't want to move and spoil your good time

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling-what I said was
"Would you like me on my back or kneeling?"

The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted
and I was fighting for air.

Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

 

[melody]

Mouse race ..!

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging
Away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.

"Get a load of her"
says the mouse, "What a babe!"
"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her,
and within five minutes they're out the door and gone into the night.

Next day, the lion is in the bar drinking away, and the mouse staggers in.
And I do mean "staggers".
The mouse is absolutely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up.
The lion helps his pal up on to a stool, pours a drink down his throat

And says
"What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe,
what happened after that? Was she all right?"

The mouse says "Yeah, she was really something else - we went out to dinner,
had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night.

And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!"
"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the lion.

"Well" says the mouse
"between the kissing and the screwing, I must Have run a thousand miles yaar! "

 

[melody]

I will do it.....!

Once, a beautiful secretary of the Managing Partner of a very big and reputed company
goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich african who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her.
Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman
from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to man, "I will only marry you under three conditions.
First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."

The rich man pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says
"No problem!! I have it.. I have."

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to man,
"I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home,
I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The rich man pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone,
calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France.
He looks at the woman, nods his head and says,
"Okay, okay. I build it.., I build."

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally,
she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
" I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch willie "

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table.
All the while, he's muttering something in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, hit the ground with his feet..
looking real sad, says to the woman,
"Okay, okay. I cut it.. I cut."

 

[melody]

Frustations of married man.. Too much!! Lol

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy.
He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!

"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.

This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut ................

and said, "Now, tell him you have a headache AND U ARE NOT IN THE MOOD NOW."

 

[melody]

A Dentist's Wisdom

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. "I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No,"- the patient says, -"I am fine with pills".

The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagara tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagara worked as a pain pill!"

"It doesn't,"- said the dentist -"but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

 

[melody]

Customer is always right

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."

The astonished woman replies, I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no fuckin problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my fuckin money in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

 

[melody]

Communication Gap

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and
asked,

"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of
the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.

My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

 

[melody]

You Know You're Trailer Trash When.....

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your
spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different
night.

Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People.

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch
this"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen,
start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how
much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge'.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

 

[melody]

There are two sides to every divorce:
Yours and shithead's.

+++++

A recent survey asked 100 sexually active women if their twat twitched after sex. 98% replied "No, he just rolls over and goes to sleep."

+++++

A medical study showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ - depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance: if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features;

and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass.

 

[melody]

A Marathon Affair

A woman was having an affair while her husband was
at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled
to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled
reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us
both!" she replied.

"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun!
The rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his
clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring
rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the
town's annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300
of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm,
he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who
had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free
having the air blow over all your skin while you're
running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run
carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That
way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go
home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do
you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

 

[BuRn-OuT]

Who's The Best??

there were 3 friends, a malay, an indian and a bengali.

every friday they would meet up at a local mamak and have drinks, and while doing so would have a farting competition. The malay guy would fart, the Indian would follow suit & the bengali would do the same.....

one the day, the malay guy said "Eh, u know or not...this is getting us no where...we all have the same calibre farts....we are equal with each other. This is getting to be boring. Why not we try something new?"

Bengali guy says "ok..but what??"

Indian guy suggest "i know....y not we see who can stand the worst foul smell the longest?"

They all agree. The next friday, they went into some jungle and caught a skunk and brought it to a shed near by. It was a small shed with no windows and only a door. They threw the skunk in there and waited for 5 minutes.

When it was time, the malay guy said "I'll go first!", and off he went into the shed. As soon as the door closed, the skunk feeling threatened let out its foul smell....the malay guy tried as he could but in the end the smell got the best of him and he ran out gasping for air...."oit brader...how long was it??" indian guy says "u lasted oni 10 seconds...Wat la u!!...che podah!..."

The indian guy went in next....This time...just as he was about to open the door, he took out a bottle of minyak cap kapak and smeared it all over his nose...and went in...once again, the skunk let one out...the indian guy stood there for quite a while till his minyak kapak smell was overwhelmed and he turned blue from holding his breath...he couldn't take it anymore...he opened the door and ran out gasping for air!....he looked up and asked "how long was i in there?"

Malay dude "damn wei...we thought u died in there...u lasted 1 minute!!....Sardarji...it's gonna be a tough one for u to beat!"

with that the sardar went and opened the door...he took a deep breath and went in...as soon as the door closed...the bengali let one out....and in an instant...the skunk broke through the door and ran for its life!!....it dropped right at the indian n malay guys feet gasping for air....!!

 

[BuRn-OuT]

The competition...

Once in a village, there was a competition to see which man had the strongest d**k in the village...

it came down to the last round in which an indian, a bengali and a malay was left to compete...

the indian guy came out...pulled down his pants and w@^ked till it was hard....he bent down...picked up 2 green coconuts which were tied together and hanged it on his erected d**k and stood up!

The Crowd goes wild!!!!! "India Bagus!! India Bagus!!!".....

next...the bengali guy comes out...pulls out his pants and w@^ks....this time it bigger than the indians and looks tougher....with that he bends down and picks up 5 green coconuts tied together and hangs it around his d**k and stands up....

the crowd goes wilder after seeing this!! "Bengali lagi bagus!!! bengali lagi bagus!!!!"

last up was the malay dude...he comes out...drops his pants and wanks away...he has a pen15 much smaller than the other 2 before him...he bends down and picks up one brown coconut and hangs it around his d**k....he tries to stand, but to to no avail...he just cant....

the crowd boo's him "Booo!!!....Melayu tak boleh....Bengali Bagus!!! Balik la!!!"

With that the malay guy replies " woit....tunggu!" he takes the coconut and cuts it half with a parang....and what he does next got the crowd shocked!! he started grating the coconut using his d**k!!!

*He won the competition for sure!!*