Jokes Archieve - Text Based

[melody]

Something To Offend Everyone!


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
**
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
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What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ? The position of the dirt bag
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Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts?
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Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
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What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
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What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
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What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
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What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.
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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
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What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
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Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
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Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA.
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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo."
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Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
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Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong
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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment
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What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.
**
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
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How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
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What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...A southern fairytale begins Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
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Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

 

[melody]

Norman's Blonde Wife

Norman and his wife live in Cleveland. One winter morning while
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going
to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplows
can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park ..." just then the power goes out, and Norman's wife
is very upset. With a worried look on her face she says, "Oh god,
I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to
park on so the plows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Honey, why don't you
just leave it in the garage this time?"

 

[melody]

I love to suck a great big tit
inch by inch, bit by bit,
I love to see her big breasts bare
they make my cum fly through the air.

Oh goodness gracious what big boobs!
They make my cum spurt out in goobs!
Their great to lick and squeeze and suck
not to mention titty fuck!

They say that having such big boobs
are really just a waste
but it takes more than just a mouthful
to get the greatest taste!

 

[melody]

There are many ways to say I love you, but fucking is the fastest. As
whispered to me by a very naughty lady

What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A crack in the ceiling.

A genius is any man who can adjust the thermostat to please his wife.

Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two
hours?
Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

 

[melody]

Sarcastic Remarks To Get You Through The Day

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?

Do I look like a fucking people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

And which dwarf are you?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

 

[melody]

A Redneck Letter

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though, last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

 

[melody]

Guy calls his boss - "Can't come into work today boss I have severe case
of anal glaucoma"
"Anal glaucoma?" says the boss, "What the fuck is that?"
"Well," says the guy, "I cant see my ass coming into work today."

 

[melody]

The Waiter And The Blonde

A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in
his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was
crying.

"What's wrong, miss? Are you ok?" he asked.

Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend
just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it?"

The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to
stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her
meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on
the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to
her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish
and blow!"

She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter,
got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and
started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she
was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew
that he should stop her-they didn't even know each others names-but hey,
when you've got a hot blonde sucking on your cock, like you're really
going to say, no don't suck it.

He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he
exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot
load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it?"

He said, "Yes, of course, you suck cock great...but I'm just wondering
why you suddenly started sucking my cock??"

She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to."

Now he's confused. "What I told you to?"

Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already...You said, 'Make a
wish and blow!'"

 

[melody]

Did you hear condoms are now being sold with a free calling card? The
attached instructions say, "If you can't come, call."

What's the best way to get into a sleeping bag?
Wake her up first!

Did you hear about the house that was built by lesbians?
There were no studs it was all tongue in groove.

What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
Two gays with hemorrhoids.

Why is death a lot like sex?
It feels funny for a second, but then it's over.

Why do women like wearing black panties?
~ It's a way for them to say, "In memory of those
who were buried here."

What is a Peter Pan?
A wash basin in a whorehouse.

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

 

[melody]

Bobby And Carrie

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door,
the girl's father answers and invites him in "Carrie's not ready yet,
so why don't you have a seat?" he asks. That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?
I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby,
so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father,
"Carrie really likes to screw, she'll Screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up,
and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later,
Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces
that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation,
Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

 

[melody]

Secret of Success

Sir, "What is the secret of your success a reporter asked a bank president?"

"Two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And, sir, What is that?"

"Experience. "

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."

 

[melody]

She said, "Kiss me doctor!"
Doctor said, "I can't as we doctors have an ethics standard that does
not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I really shouldn't be
fucking you."

 

[melody]

The Radar Gun

Bob was driving home after a day at the construction site; over the
Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph.

Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob
pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent
illegal alien incidents.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were
going BOY?" Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming
fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good look at the young bob and said, "You don't even look
like you have a job! Why I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire
life!"

Bob said, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on
his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a cunt stretcher," replied Bob.

"What you say, BOY?!!" asked the patrolman. "A cunt stretcher."

Of course the cop asked, "What's a cunt stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "Girls call me up and say they want to be stretched so I
go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more,
and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther
apart until it's six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and
asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot cunt?"

Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the
end of a bridge!"

 

[melody]

Why is giving a Blow Job a win/lose situation?
He may have you on your knees, but you have him by the balls!

Q. How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A. When her favorite sexual position is next door.

 

[melody]

Bob The Virgin

Being a virgin, Bob was very nervous about his
upcoming wedding night, so he decided to seek the
advice of his friend John, who was quite the local
Romeo.
"Just relax, Bob," counseled John.
"After all, you grew up on a farm - just do like the
dogs do."
Right after the honeymoon the bride stormed over to
her mother's house in tears and announced that she
wasn't going to live under the same roof as Bob for
even one more night.
"He's totally disgusting!" she wailed.
At first Bob's bride resisted her mother's attempts to
find out the exact nature of the problem, but finally
she broke down. "Ma, he doesn't know anything at all
about how to be romantic, how to make love. .
he just keeps smelling my ass and pissing on the
bedpost!"

 

[melody]

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher
brought around cookies for snack time.
"Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and
scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.
When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide
behind the curtain until snack time came around.
As she came to Little Johnny she again said to him,
"Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.
The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother,
"See? Did you hear what he said?"
"So?" said his mother,
"Don't fucking give him one."

 

[melody]

Credit Card

A lady died November, and Citibank billed her for December and
January for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late
fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now
somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections. "

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this
part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still
apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given) After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong
with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

(Priceless!! )

 

[melody]

Baseball star's wife makes ultimate threat!

The wife of a top US baseball player has vowed to have sex with all of his
team mates if he ever cheats on her.

Anna Benson, a former model and stripper is married to Mets pitcher Kris Benson.

She told Howard Stern's radio show: "I told him, cheat on me all you want.
If you get caught, I'm going to screw everybody on your entire team.
Coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team."

Stern, egging her on, asked: "Even the coaches? What about, like, the bat boys?"

"Everybody would get a turn," Anna pledged.
"If my husband cheated on me and embarrassed me like that,
I will embarrass him more than he could ever imagine."​

Give that woman a hand~!​

http://img55.imageshack.us/img55/9979/clappingnh0.gif​

 

[melody]

Mobile phones are the only subject on which
men boast about who's got the smallest.​

 

[melody]

A guy goes into a bar and picks up a tall woman.
After a night of drinking and dancing they go back to his place.
She unzips his fly and starts playing with his dick.
"Wow," he says, "you really know how to handle a dick!"
"I should," she replies, "I used to have one."