Joke coner

[imoloq]

The young housewife must be a blond.

 

[infernaL]

dont click the link if youre easily offended, emo, has an attp, or basically cant take jokes as a whole.

http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Malaysia

 

[melody]

A disappointed salesman


A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, " Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

 

[melody]

Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to
the other one. "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid. If you don't
believe me I'll show you.

He called his driver Ah Beng over and said, "Ah Beng, here is a $10
note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes".

To which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!" and rushed off to
the Showroom.

The rich man then turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was
stupid."

The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will
show you stupid."
And he called his driver, Ali.
"Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home."
To which Ali said, "Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!" and ran home.

"See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I
cannot be at home if I am here."

Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you
know my boss is sooooooo stupid. He gave me $10 and asked me to go to
the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes.....
Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"

Ali replied, "You think your boss is stupid? My boss lagi worse, he
asked me to go home to check if he is at home...
He got handphone what, he can just call up to check lah, bodoh!!!"

 

[keithkeat]

Dear Ah Lian,

Thanks you for your letter. Wrong time no see you. How everything?
For me, I am quiet find.

You say in your letter your taukeh soh want you to chain your look?

Somemore you must wear kick kok soo, hope you can wok properly.

You know, Ah Kau Kia working in a soft where company now. Last week, he take
I, Muthu & few of his friend to May Nonut to eat barger. After that he
take we all go to kalah ok. Muthu sing and sing no stop until the sky
bright.

Next week, my father mother going to sellerbread 20 years annie wear sari.
My father mother going to give a fist to all the kampong people. So you must
come with your hole family.

I only hope one day we no need to write and send letter to you and to me.

Better I e-meow you, you e-meow me.

I will ketchup with you soon. And when you got time, please few free to call
me.



Goo bye.....

Worm regard,
Ah Beng

 

[keithkeat]

Amazing Software


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6 .



I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
​

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

______________________________________


REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

​

Best of luck,


Tech Support

 

[melody]

that's pretty nice & funny!!
i like it..

 

[melody]

UK Immigration Officer: Purpose of visit?

Visitor: I'm here to study law, sir.

Officer: You know, you must have a lot of lawyers in Malaysia .

Visitor: Why do you say that?

Officer: Well, i've been here for a good twenty years, and I'd say
80% of Malaysians I see here say they're here to read law.

Visitor: Oh, really? That's really something i never knew. Hard to
believe in fact.

Officer: Just you watch, then. You just stand here until the next
Malaysian comes along, and I'll bet he's here to read law.

*Visitor waits for 5 mins, Ah Chong from Malaysia comes to
immigration counter*

Officer: Mr. Ah Chong, purpose of visit?

Ah Chong: Study lorr...

 

[BlackSamurai]

study lorrr... hahhahahaa.

 

[melody]

http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/3430/fptechnology9zd3.gif[/URL]

 

[phibitis]

Scenario : A guy name Black met this girl at a pub.

Black : Hi cutie, would you mind if i buy u a drink or something ?
Girl : Hi , sure .. but b4 that can u tell me ur name ?
Black : Sure , why not ... I'm Black. Nice to meet ya. What's ur name then ?
Girl : Black ?! HAHAHA !! Im White !!

 

[satria_95]

I was chilling at this cafe that's beside a park. My table was actually on a small corner section of the park, on the grass. This gives a bit of a green nature feel. This park is rather popular among the nearby residents who even brings their dogs for a walk here.
As I was chilling out at my table with my laptop, then this 2 rempits came over to my table and ask if they could sit at my table. I told `em this, "sorry, tapi meja I dah penuh, you boleh sendiri tengok."
They weren't too happy about it because whatever they wanted, they have to get it. And obviously to the world, this is common of the rempit kind of people. They started to make a fuss about me not sharing my table because the place was full house. Then, this is what I did. I told `em that I was sorry that I couldn't share my table and I will instead give `em chocolate and because I had that respect for not being able to share my table with `em, I'll handle the choco with a plastic glove to ensure that my dirty hands don't touch `em.
So I put on some plastic gloves and a short distance from my table, there's a pile of fresh dog shit. I picked it up (with my glove of course) and shaped it into square shape. I then brought the "choco" and gave it to those 2 rempits and told `em that it was fresh. They gave me this big eyed look... and after a few seconds, smiled. They reached out and took the "choco" from my hand and smelled it. They said it smelled strongly odd. I told `em that it was imported and it would smell foreign. They said OK. So he took the shit, and was very happy with it.

 

[imoloq]

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

However, most people often ask for a simple

explanation of "Marketing."

Here it is:

You're a man and you see a gorgeous woman at a party.

You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"

That's (((Direct Marketing)))

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a

gorgeous woman. One of your friends goes up to her and

pointing at you says,"He's fantastic in bed,"

That's(((Advertising)))

You see a gorgeous woman at a party. You go up to her

and get her telephone number. The next day you call

and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," (((That's

Telemarketing)))

You're at a party and see a gorgeous woman. You get up

and straighten your tie. You walk up to her and pour

her a drink and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic

in bed," That's (((Public Relations)))

You're at a party and see a gorgeous woman. She walks

up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed,"

That's (((Brand Recognition)))

You're at a party and see a gorgeous woman. You talk

her into going home with your friend - That's a

(((Sales Rep)))

Your friend can't satisfy her so he calls you - That's

(((Tech Support)))

You're on your way to a party when you realize that

there could be gorgeous women in all these houses

you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of

one situated toward the center and shout at the top of

your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's (((Junk

Mail))

 

[zephyr3d]

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

However, most people often ask for a simple

explanation of "Marketing."

Here it is:

You're a man and you see a gorgeous woman at a party.

You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"

That's (((Direct Marketing)))

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a

gorgeous woman. One of your friends goes up to her and

pointing at you says,"He's fantastic in bed,"

That's(((Advertising)))

You see a gorgeous woman at a party. You go up to her

and get her telephone number. The next day you call

and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," (((That's

Telemarketing)))

You're at a party and see a gorgeous woman. You get up

and straighten your tie. You walk up to her and pour

her a drink and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic

in bed," That's (((Public Relations)))

You're at a party and see a gorgeous woman. She walks

up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed,"

That's (((Brand Recognition)))

You're at a party and see a gorgeous woman. You talk

her into going home with your friend - That's a

(((Sales Rep)))

Your friend can't satisfy her so he calls you - That's

(((Tech Support)))

You're on your way to a party when you realize that

there could be gorgeous women in all these houses

you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of

one situated toward the center and shout at the top of

your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's (((Junk

Mail))

lol.. this is funny.

 

[imoloq]

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"

 

[imoloq]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

 

[imoloq]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

 

[imoloq]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

 

[melody]

http://img407.imageshack.us/img407/9480/drinkub9.jpg

 

[edde]

http://img407.imageshack.us/img407/9480/drinkub9.jpg

Typical women attitude and plain outright man masculine.that why all the divorce.