Joke coner

[Basil Basil]

Hi All ZTHianz......Just wan to share some joke.......coz i notice we have too much actual issues going on and alot of govt issues going......just wan to set a coner for laughter........any oneelse wan to share their joke can kindly come here.....plz kindly comment if the joke was lame or even praise if the joke is really funny....thanks




A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper is down, and his fly wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door."

This is not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly notices that his zipper was not zipped up.

He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally went out to ask a cup of coffee from his secretary.

He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw garage door open did you see my jaguar park in there?"

The secretary smiles for a moment and said, "No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with 2 flat tyres."

 

[Basil Basil]

I NO COME WORK TODAY
Hung Cheong calls the office and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I vely vely sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs ache, I no come work."
The manager says, "You know something, Cheong, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better, and I go to work. Why won't you try that?"
Two hours later Hung Cheong calls again. "I do what you say and I feel vely good. I come work vely quick. And Boss,

You house vely nice."

 

[Basil Basil]

This is a tale of a VERY HORNY LADY loooong time ago in Mongolia.

There is this one lady who cannot get satisfied by her partner during sex,
So one day, she is so piss off.. She decidedn to do an Sex Fiesta..

She gives out flyers, telling all the men from mongolia, "Whoever Can Satisfy Her, she will give 100 GoldBlocks".

Then, next week on the event, Out come the whole MEN of Mongolia.. from all ages, and all different dick sizes.. come to get F*ck for free..

At first, come this warrior, with a big body (and of course big dick)..

He enters the tent.. and all the rest wait outside patiently.. They tought he's gonna do the job.. and suddenly they heard from inside "SLAP!!.. U are useless!".. says the lady..

the man comes out of the tent with shame..
Then a few man wit smaller dick go back home..

After that, another man comes in, he claims he got the best sex techniques.. He go in the tent..

After 15 minutes, there wasnt a single sound, then he come out with shame, and all the people who is still there laugh at him..

Then the rest of the people there, thinking, thinking, how the heck are they going to satisfy the lady.. No one dares to go in anymore..

THEN SUDDENLY.. A Bald Monk from one of temple appear!... All the people outside were shocked.. and confused..

The monk say, "Let me do my job, i can satisfy her".. Then he go inside the tent..

After 5 minutes, suddenly everyone here a loud Scream!.. Moaning!.. Ahh.. ahh.. ahh..
after 15 minutes, they heard the climax of the lady..

then the monk came out of the tent.. All of them ask the monk, what is your secret?..


The Monk just smile, and say to them.....


"Use your Head!"

 

[Basil Basil]

AMERICA

Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..
(Applause! Applause!)


SPAIN

Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro (Bull)
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening... .
(Applause! Applause!)


PHILIPPINES

Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumors.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth... ...
(Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!)


SAUDI ARABIA

Question: Ms Saudi Arabia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Saudi: Well, I can say that male organs in Saudi are like thieves.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Saudi: Because they like to enter through the back door... ..
(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)


INDIA

Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like labourers.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms India: Because it works day and night... ...
(Applause! Applause! Applause!


MALAYSIA

Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton car.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ....
(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! )


SINGAPORE

Question: Ms Singapore,how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose).
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before the show is over
(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!)

wut else to say...they are so clever...hehe

 

[Basil Basil]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? "
The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys: ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool," says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers: "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men: ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

 

[Basil Basil]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband insisted on turning the lights off. Well after 20 years, the wife felt it was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in a middle of a wild, screaming romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband holding a battery operated pleasure device.....a vibrator!

Soft wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

"YOU impotent bastard!" she screamed, "How could you be lying to me all this years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looked her straight in the eyes and says calmly.

"I'll explain the toy.......you explain the kids!"

 

[Basil Basil]

The Affair

Whenever this married woman's lover comes over, she puts her young son in the closet. One day the woman hears someone coming and quickly puts her lover in the closet without thinking...

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man asks.

After considering the position he is in : "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but gives in...

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway this time and, again, places her lover in the closet with her son.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the little boy starts again.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.

"OK. How much?" the hiding lover replies, acknowledging his hopeless situation.

"Fifty dollars," the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the woman's husband says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some baseball."

"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.

"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of sweets and toys.

"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.

"What?! SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's daylight robbery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for divine forgiveness."

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that shit in here now," the priest says.

 

[Basil Basil]

Which condom would you use?

If any of these companies produces comdoms which one would you use??

Nike condom: Just do it.

Toyota condom: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi comdom: you got the right one, baby.

Pringles condom: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos condom: The freshmaker.

Flintstone Vitamin condom: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret condom: Good enough for a man, but PH balance for women.

Macintosh condom: It does more, it cost less, its that simple.

Ford comdom: The best never rest.

chevy condom: Like a rock.

Avis condom: Trying harder than ever.

EverReady condom: Keep going and going.

KFC condom: Finger-licking good.

Lays condom: always a real thing.

Cambells Soup condom: Mm, mm good.

Carl's Jr. condom: If it doen't get all over the place, it's doesn't belong in your face.

General Electric condom: We bring good thing to life!

AT&T condom: Reach out and touch someone.

Microsoft condom: Where do you want to go today?

Energize: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

Chevron condom: Use them? people do.

Taco Bell condom: Get some, make a run for the border.

MCI condom: For friends and family.

Double Mint condom: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

Sears condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.

So made up your mind yet???

 

[Basil Basil]

First Time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!". The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

 

[Basil Basil]

Mahathir joke

Mahathir was so disappointed with his cabinet for being inefficient, corrupt and with the current economic going very bad he decided to call on Goh Chok Tong and ask him how he managed to have such an efficient and uncorruptable cabinet.

On hearing Mahathir's woes, PM Goh said, "Simple, Mahathir, I choose able men for my cabinet."

Mahathir asked, "Yes, but how do you know that they are able?"

PM Goh replied, "Just ask them simple questions to test their intelligence. Don't need to be too difficult. Let me illustrate to you."

Just then, Tony Tan was walking by. PM Goh called out to him. "Hey Tony, come over here." Tony obediently walked briskly over.

PM Goh asked, "Tell me, Tony, who is your father's son ?" Tony Tan immediately replied, "Me! Of course."

PM Goh turned to Mahathir and said, "See, all my ministers can answer this question. Why don't you go back and try." Mahathir thank PM Goh and left.

Once he was back, he immediately summoned Anwar, his deputy, and shot the question at him.

"Tell me, Anwar, who is your father's son ?"

Anwar was shocked beyond words and did not know the answer. After a while, he recovered and said, "Boss, let me find out and I'll tell you tomorrow." Mahathir, a bit disappointed, agreed, hoping that Anwar will give a good answer tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Anwar was panicking that his boss was testing him. He tried desperately to find out the answer from his staff, but none of them knew the answer.

The next morning, he decided to call Bill Clinton for help. Surely the most powerful person in the world must know the answer.

When Bill picked up the phone, Anwar said, "Hello, Bill, can I ask you a question?" Clinton, very busy, replied, "Alright, but it better be good!" Anwar quickly asked, "Tell me, Bill, who is your father's son ?" Clinton was fuming, "Of course it's me, you stupid !" And he slammed the phone down.

Satisfied that he's got the answer, he confidently walked into Mahathir's office and said, "Boss, I've got the answer to your question."

Mahathir, happy that his deputy wasn't that dumb, said, "So tell me quick, who is your father's son, Anwar ?"

Anwar confidently replied, "It's BILL CLINTON !"

Mahathir slapped his own forehead in disgust and said, "No you stupid, it's TONY TAN !"

 

[Basil Basil]

NATIONAL FLOWER: Bunga Raya (Hibiscus).

NATIONAL CAR: Proton.

2nd NATIONAL CAR: Perodua Kancil.

3rd NATIONAL CAR: Perodua Tikus it's suppose to be half the size of the Kancil, but somehow Malaysian drivers will still be able to squeeze in 6 or 7 passengers.

NATIONAL BEHAVIOUR AT CAR SHOWROOMS: First walk towards the car you are interested in. Then walk around the car in circles, tapping and knocking every part of the chassis with your knuckles. Then say something like "Body not very solid..." After that approach the front left tyre, give it a few hard kicks to "test" the tyre. Next walk to the rear right side and press the body of the car down a few times, while exclaiming "wah, absorber not bad". Now you are ready for a "test drive" Get into the car and give the steering wheel a few turns. Flash the lights, sound the horn, recline the seats, open up every compartment etc. Do all these tests while you're pretending to read the brochure. Finished? Final test: get out of the car and slam the door a few times to check for "solid sound". If satisfied, approach salesman and ask "How much loan can take?"

 

[Basil Basil]

The sex of a computer
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she".

One of the students raised their hand and asked, "What "gender" is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

[Basil Basil]

Divorce

An old man and his young wife were getting divorce at a local court. But the custody of children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old man also wanted the custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too.

After a long moment of silence, the old man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Cokebelong to me or the machine?"

 

[Basil Basil]

The truth about men


A man is ****** three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and then watches to see what each does with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all of the money on things for him because she loves him so much. Again, the Man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Naturally, the man was impressed. He thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he ........... .............................................. ............................................................................................ ............................................................................................ ............................................................................................ ............................................................................................ .............................................................................................. .............................................................................................. .............................................................................................. .....................................................Married the one with the largest breasts.

 

[Basil Basil]

TAn Irishman Mick is appearing on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

Chris Tarrant- "Mick you've done very well so far - 500,000 and one Lifeline left - phone a friend, the next question will give you the Jackpot, 1 million if you get it right but if you get it wrong you will be outof the game and drop to 32,000 - are you ready?"

Mick- "Sure I'll have a go"

Chris- "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest??? Is it: A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush?? Remember Mick its worth 1 Million."

Mick- "I think I know it but I'm not 100%.... no I haven't got aclue. Can I phone a friend please Chris just to be sure?"

Chris- "Yes Mick who do you want to phone?"

Mick- "I'll phone Paddy back home in Cork ."

(ringing)

Paddy- "Hello..."

Chris- "Hello Paddy its Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, I have Mick here and he is doing really well on 500,000 but needs your help to get the Million. The next voice you hear will be Micks he'll explain the question there are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer, you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Mick."

Mick-"Paddy Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest??? Is it A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush??"

Paddy- "Jesus Mick that's simple.....Its a Cuckoo."

Mick- "You think?"

Paddy "I'm sure." Mick " Thanks Paddy."

(hangs up)

Chris- "Well do you want to stick on 500,000 or play on for the Million Mick?"

Mick- "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Chris- "Is that your final answer?"

Mick-"It is."

Chris- "Are you confident?"

Mick- "Yes fairly, Paddys a sound bet."

Chris- "Mick .....you had 500,000 and you said Cuckoo........... You have just won 1 MILLION POUNDS!!!!!!! Here is your cheque, you have been a great contestant and a realgambler - audience please put your hands together for Mick."

(clapping)

That night Mick calls round to Paddy and brings him down to thelocal to fill him full of drink and as they are sitting at the bar Mick turnsto Paddy and ask's "Tell me Paddy, How in Gods name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest, you know nothing about Birds!!!"

Paddy- "Listen Mick, everybody knows that the Cuckoo lives in a clock" !!!!!

 

[Basil Basil]

Nine months later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours,they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light"

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have toadmit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.

Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

Caught you smiling-Keep it up.

 

[Basil Basil]

Medical Class

Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted."

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the ass of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them:

"The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!! "

 

[Basil Basil]

Be Strong I Love you

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years.As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

 

[Basil Basil]

Bitch In the Kitchen

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

TWO hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off!! about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

[Basil Basil]

B4 Prison

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking' dope and appeared
in court on Friday before the Judge. The Judge said, "You seem like nice
young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils
of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in
court on Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, You Honor, I persuaded 17 people
to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell
them?" "I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like this: O o ,
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable!" said the Judge.

To the second boy the judge said, "And you, how did you do?" "Well, Your
Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people!

That's amazing!! How did you manage to do that?!?!" "Well, I used a
similar approach. I drew two circles ... o O , and said (pointin' to the
small circle) 'This is your asshole before prison.......'"