JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Miscellaneous

Why do blondes always drink with straws?
Practice.

What do a blonde and a good beer have in common?
They both go down easy.

What does a blonde and a tampon have in common?
They're both stuck up cunts.

What's the difference between a blond and an ice cream cone?
Ice cream cones don't lick back.

What is the blonde's favorite battery?
Ever-ready.
What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Why are blondes so sexually promiscuous?
Who cares?

What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About 5 cans of hair spray.

What's the quickest way to get into a blonde's pants?
Pick them up off the floor and put them on.

What is a bellybutton for?
It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

How does a blonde prepare for safe sex?
She puts on rubber based lipstick.

((((((((

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females.
One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down
toward her.
"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is
this stool taken?"

((((((((

Q: What is the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: You can eat your mom's apple pie.

Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity.

Q: What is the definition of a Tampon?
A: A beaver dam.
Q: How can you tell that the letter you received came from a leper
colony?
A: Because there is a tongue stuck to the stamp.

((((((((

Dear Abby,
I am a thirteen year-old girl. I live in Arkansas, and
I'm still a virgin. Does this mean that all six of my brothers
are gay?

((((((((

Roses are red
violets are blue
i'm only sending this card
for some easy sex and
to get closer to your hot friend
P.S. I want to try anal

 

[melody]

Chain Letter

Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin.
I am suffering from rare and deadly
diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of
being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not
sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who
actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in
Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the
cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took
pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site
will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter.

Do you
honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you
send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every
Victoria's Secret model in the catalog!

What a bunch of bullshit. So
basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there
who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail
forwards.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my
apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which
was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget
pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be
in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of
blatant stupidity.

FUCK THEM!
If you're going to forward something, at
least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50
of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human
being will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being"
forwards about 90 times.

I DON'T FUCKING CARE!
Show a little
intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by
sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

 

[melody]

Thor The Viking God Of Thunder

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and his pal Bob, were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Bob, "Bob, it's been a long time now. I REALLY need to have sex..."
Bob stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, oh Thor, and find thyself what they call a "prostitute", and give her a bloody good seeing to..."
And Thor did, and he saw that this was good...
The next day, he came back up to see Bob, and told him of the previous night's events. "Oh Bob," he said, grinning like a shagged out God, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times..."
"37 times?!?!" exclaimed Bob. "You must go and apologize this instant!".
So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying.. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor..."
"You're Thor?!?!" Shouted the girl.
"You're Thor?!?... I can't even pith!!!"

!!!!!

Q: What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A: Two faggots with hemorrhoids.

Nobody is a virgin anymore, life has fucked us all.
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have
in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
My buddy gave me a tip straight from the horse's mouth, but it was all
wet and slimy and disgusting and it smelled awful.
Q: What is a Redneck's defense in court? A: "Honest your Honor,
I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
Q: Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in
West Virginia to 32? A: It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

!!!!!

Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers
to the other. "Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".

What did Spock find in the Enterprises' toilet?
The Captain's log.

One Greek says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go
back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly!"

 

[melody]

Men Are Like....

Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

88888

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!

---------- Post added at 06:21 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 06:18 PM ----------

A Blind Lumber Man

The foreman at the lumberyard needed a replacement for an employee who just quit;
and while he wasn't eager to hire the blind man (because of the obvious risks involved), the blind man begged for the chance.
"You'll see," he said. "Just put me in front of a pile of lumber. I sniff the lumber and know what type it is I will stack it accordingly."

So the foreman agreed to give it a shot.
Positioning the blind man in front of a stack of wood, he asked what type it was. Ahhhhhhhhhh..." said the blind man, taking a deep breath. "Pine, twelve-foot," and stacked it in place.

The foreman was surprised and repeated the test with oak and redwood, fir and mahogany, but the blind man didn't miss once.
Then, getting a sly look on his face, the foreman called up to the office secretary.
"There's a blind man applying for a job and I don't want to hire him.
He says he can tell what kind of wood we have just by sniffing it.
I want to confuse him.. come back here, take off all your clothes and lay on top of that pile of wood."

The secretary stripped naked and draped herself across the wood.
Sniffing furiously, the blind man then looked puzzled. "Gee, I don't believe I've ever smelled wood like that before... let me take another sniff."

He went closer and sniffed the wood again.
"DAMN, I have no idea what that is... can you turn it over?"
The secretary turned over.
The blind man went near the pile of wood and took another deep sniff.
"Well?" the foreman asked. "What kind of wood is THAT?"
"Hmmm..." said the blind man, "I'm not sure, but near as I can tell, it's the shit house door off a tuna boat."

------------

Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly
homes.
"Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can
you do?"
"Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!" "Almost every
night!!?????"
"Yup! Monday, almost. Tuesday, almost. Wednesday,............"

 

[melody]

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

==========

A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house.
A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.
She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said, "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box"...
The blonde answered "No", I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I've got mail."

==========

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the
time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around
to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home
with my husband."

 

[melody]

Drown Your Sorrows

A guy is sitting at the bar drinking to drown his sorrows. A beautiful
woman sits down next to him, orders a double, and sighs deeply. He turns
to her and asks her, "So what's wrong in your life?" She hardly glances
at him and says, "My husband left me today." He says, "What a
coincidence. My wife left me today." They keep drinking for a few
minutes and then he asks her, "So why did he leave you?" She looks at
him and says, "He said he couldn't stand living with me anymore." He
says, "What a coincidence! My wife said she couldn't stand living with
me anymore, too." They drink some more and then he asks her, "So what
couldn't he stand about living with you?" She smiles at him a little and
says, "Well, I like really kinky sex and he didn't, so he left." The guy
shakes his head in disbelief and says, "This is incredible! I like
really kinky sex and that's why my wife left." They drink some more,
exchanging sidelong glances, and he finally says, "Well, seeing as we're
both alone now, and seeing as we both have similar interests..." "Yes,"
she quickly says, "my apartment is right around the corner." So they
head over to her apartment. Once inside, she says, "I'm going to slip
into something a little more comfortable. I'll be right back." She goes
into her bedroom and gets undressed, then puts on a studded leather
collar, black lace crotchless panties, a leather bustier, fishnet
stockings and spike heels, the whole setup. She comes out of the bedroom
to find the guy heading out the door. "Why are you leaving?" she asks
him, "You just got here. I thought we were going to have some kinky
sex."
He looks at her and shrugs, "Hey, I screwed your dog and shit in your
purse. I'm done."
__________

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after
staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar,
he walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and
began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He
immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry,. I thought
you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

"That's really odd," he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."

 

[melody]

High-Rise Apartment Building

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment
building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out, when
suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge,
plummeting to her death.. "Oh, shit!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die."
Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into
the air, catching the woman. Delirious from shock, the woman shouted "Oh, thank
you! You saved my life, thank you!"
The man replied "Do you suck?" Stunned at this, the woman said "No, I
don't suck!"
And with that, the man let go of her in the air. "Shit!" the woman
thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly, another set of man's arms grabbed her
on the 9th floor.
"Thank God!" she screamed. " I would have died except that!" The man
asked "Do you fuck?" Absolutely aghast at the question, the woman answered "No, I
don't fuck!"
Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling
again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set of arms
stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted "I suck! I
fuck!"
"Slut..." the man said....and dropped her.

------------

Q. What do you call a Mexican after a vasectomy?
A. A dry Martinez!

Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them

When you want a man to play with you, wear a full-length lack
nightgown with buttons all over it. Sure it's uncomfortable, but
it makes you look just like his remote control.

 

[melody]

Golden Gate Bridge

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph.
Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar.
Bob pulled over like a good citizen, recalling Rodney King and recent
illegal alien incidents.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were
going BOY?!?"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?"
"93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion,
"That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a
good look at the Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!
Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on
his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm a Pussy stretcher!!!" replied Bob.
"What you say, BOY?!?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a Pussy stretcher!!!"
Of course the cop asked, "What does a Pussy stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "Girls call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I
go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more,
and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther
apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and
asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot Pussy?"
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar detector and stick it
at the end of a bridge.

------------------------

At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something
in her ear.

"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think
I'd let you do a thing like that to me?" Then her eyes narrowed and
she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that stole my diary...."

 

[melody]

On A Date

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally
she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys
her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls
over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach
under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to
stay that way. "Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"

"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my
mouth!" He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake

up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods.
"Well, it's just like that." So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of
it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on
the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax
blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!

()()()()()

These three women were roommates. One night
they all had all gone out on dates and they all
came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good
date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a
good date when you come home with your makeup
all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her
skirt, removed her panties and threw them
against the wall, where they stuck.

"Now THAT'S a good date!"

 

[melody]

A NORTHERNER MOVES TO ARIZONA

May 30th - Just moved to Arizona. Now this is a state that knows how to
live . beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings . mountains and
deserts blended together. What a place!! I watched the sunset, from a
park, lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home.
I love it here.

June 14th - Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem . I live
in an air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a
pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun
worshipper.

June 30th - Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today, lots
of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do
people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's a dry heat. Getting
used to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th - Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of
my
body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson
though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th - I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left
this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had
swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000
worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now
smells like Kibbles and kitty bits. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th - Dry heat, my ass! Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is
on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me
he needed to order parts.

July 30th - Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now.
$1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I
ever come here?

Aug 4th - It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman
pissed in my pool. I hate this state.

Aug 8th - If another wise-ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm
going to tear his throat out. Cursed heat. By the time I get to work the
radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like
roasted Garfield!!

Aug 10th - The weather report might as well be a recording: Hot and
sunny. It's been too hot to live for two months and the weatherman says
it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren
desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth
of cactus just dried up and blew into the pool. Even a cactus can't live
in this heat.

Aug 14th - Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to
crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The
installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife
had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th - Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The
monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than
hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500
windshield. That does it, we're moving back to Massachusetts for some
peace and quiet.

 

[melody]

A Rare Disease

Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease
and his doctor told him could drink only human milk.

"How can I get human milk?" Mendel asked the doctor.

"Well, Ruby Finkelstein's just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ruby's house for his daily feed. Ruby
was a dark eyed, big breasted lady, who, in spite of herself,
gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts. One
day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, " Tell me Mr.
Rugelbaum, do
you like it?"

"Mmmm, wonderful," he sighed.

"Is there," she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow, "is there
anything else you'd like?"

"As a matter of fact there is," murmured Mendel

"What?" Ruby asked breathlessly.

Mendel licked his lips. "Maybe a little cookie?"

11111

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS:
HEARING AIDS, Band-Aids, ROLL AIDS,
WALKING AIDS, MEDICAL AIDS,
GOVERNMENT AID, AND MOST OF ALL ,
MONETARY AIDS TO THEIR CHILDREN.

11111

THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST

I CANNOT SEE, I CANNOT PEE,
I CANNOT CHEW, I CANNOT SCREW
MY MEMORY SHRINKS, MY HEARING STINKS,
NO SENSE OF SMELL, I LOOK LIKE HELL,
MY BODY'S DROOPING, GOT TROUBLE POOPING
SO THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME AT LAST.
WELL, THE GOLDEN YEARS CAN KISS MY ASS!!!

 

[melody]

THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME ____________________

GANG NAME _________________

TAG ____________________

HOOD ____________________


1). Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually
misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by
shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt
before he has to reload?

2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio
for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street
value of the rest of his hold?

3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks
per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4). Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to
make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette,
and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how
many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If
his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left
when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho
that spent his money?

7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with
3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his
gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor
that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie
makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed
the boa on one week's income?

10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph,
Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his
magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

&&&

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young
Jackie said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor
dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look, "Jackie, how dare you
talk about your father like that!"

&&&

There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

 

[melody]

Rules For A Man ...100 Ways To Keep Your Testosterone Flowing
(Part two)

51 It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52 Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.
53 Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel
sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.
54 Lie.
55 Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people
you don't know.
56 Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people
you don't know.
57 If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing,
DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58 You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
59 You are male, therefore you are superior.
60 Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with
yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
61 Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to
please you.
62 Don't ever notice anything.
63 If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't
say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love
with
YOU, and then tell her.
64 Basic fundamental rule of ******: Quantity, not quality.
65 Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
66 Lie.
67 If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically
you've done nothing wrong.
68 Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have
to cry about, anyway?
69 If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."
70 Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
71 Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
72 If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven
wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses
why they are at fault- not you.
73 Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase
and
it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
74 If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a
parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be
it.
You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your
skills.
75 Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about
sex. Compare with others.
76 Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and
loud.
77 Lie.
78 General Rule: Different is BAD.
79 If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it
is
for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for
them
at
least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.
80 Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.
81 If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to
talk
to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you,
casually
ask, "is something wrong?"
82 Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to
you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so
I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
83 Lie.
84 If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell
the girl
how many different dorms you've been laid in.
85 When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was
such a pimp back then."
86 Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when
you
come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into
her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then
drive like hell. (true story.)
87 If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone
else,
she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who
wanted to end the relationship.
88 The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on
top.
89 Practice your blank stare.
90 Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your
ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.
91 If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like
rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient
times. You won't be asked to do it again.
92 If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do,
first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go
ahead
and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know
how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little
part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the
most
half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I
couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
93 Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful
than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say
things like, "No, Baby, I was BORN like this!"
94 Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd,
or Oldies.
95 Beer. Then more beer.
96 Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
97 One word: FOOTBALL!
98 Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the
inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???
99 Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The
Gang".
100 LIE

 

[melody]

A Redneck Letter

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

00000000000

Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt. "My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?" "Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."

 

[melody]

A Huge Hole

Man goes to the doctor and says
"I've got a huge hole in my ass"

The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over
and let me have a look".

"Fuck me!!" says the doctor "what could have
made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies "I've been fucked by an elephant".

The doctor says "An elephants penis is long
and thin, this hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first".
___________

Two old ladies, Mollie and Sadie, were sitting on a bench
having a quiet chat, when a flasher
approached from across the park.

He stood right in front of them and opened his
trench coat, exposing his ' thing'.

Mollie immediately had a stroke.

Sadie, the other lady, being older and more feeble,
couldn't reach that far.

 

[melody]

That Time Of The Month

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't
care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the
doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says
anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a
jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was
looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

-------------

Greeting Card That Didn't Quite Make It!

You scored! What great luck!
Isn't it great that she loves to fuck?
She forgot to mention she has an STD,
And now it dribbles when you pee.
Get well soon!

-------------

There are four occasions when a man is allowed to cry:

1. When the dog dies saving his master in a movie.
2. When Roseanne starts unbuttoning her blouse in a movie.
3. When you wreck your boss's car.
4. When your date uses her teeth.

 

[melody]

Two Shots

A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots.
She downs the first one
"This is for the shame", and then the second one
"This is for the glory."
She then orders two more shots.
She drinks the first one "This is for the shame" and then the second
one "This is for the glory."
She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her.
"Ma'am, I was just wondering ... what's this about shame and glory?"
"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent
over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."
"That must be the shame," the bartender said.
"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and
he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."

:-):-):-):-):-

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker

If there was a'Bi-Sexual Pride parade, would it go both ways?

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an owl?
A smart ass that knows it all.

 

[melody]

The Mouse

A man called his doctor, and said "doc", you gotta come over here
quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to
pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her ass. The doctor said,"
okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her ass untl i get
over there".

The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man
holding a big fish up to her ass instead of cheese. the doctor
said,"what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese". The man said,"I
did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to
come out, the cat chased it right back up there!
___________

Pussy Poem

Pussy is a funny creature
It makes a man a fool
It takes away his worries
And wears away his tool

When man climbs on a woman
He hasn't long to stay
His head is full of non-sense
His ass is full of play

He climbs on like a lion
And rolls off like a lamb
And when he buttons up his pants
He is not worth a good God damn......
___________

Sometimes I call my husband 'Q',"
the wife told her friend.

"Why's that?" the friend asked.
"Is he some kinda super guy like that
man on Star Trek?"

"No," said the wife,
"he's a big fat zero with a little dick hangin'
down."
___________

If a round peg fits into a round hole, and a square peg fits into a
square hole, then why isn't the end of a penis shaped like an axe?

---------- Post added at 06:09 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 12:48 PM ----------

What I've learned from watching porn...

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with
sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy fucks.

__________

A man went to the tattoo parlor and had the words "yes" and "no"
tattooed on his penis. When he got home that night, he approached his
wife in their bedroom.
He stripped off his pants and shorts, revealing his aroused organ and
its new tattoo.
"What do you think, honey?" he asked his wife.
Deliberately she said, "You tell me how to cook, you tell me how to
clean the house, you tell me how to do the laundry... and now you're
going to put words in my mouth?"

 

[melody]

Playing With Her Toys

The little boy went over to the little girls house next door. Their
parents were at work. They played with her toys for a while and became
bored.

The little boy turned to the girl and said, "I know a game we can
play." So they went in the kitchen. The little boy got two
plates out of the cabinet and some flour. The little boy put a cup
of flour on each plate. The little boy said, "Now, what we do is squat
over our plate and fart. Whoever blows up the biggest puff of flour
wins." The little girl said, "You go first".

So the little boy squatted over his plate and gave out a big grunt.
Up came a little puff of flour. The little girl squatted down over her
plate, gave out a grunt and blew all the flour off the plate. The
little boy said,
"Wow, I've never seen anything like that, let me look at your
butt!" The little girl bent over so he could see. The little boy looked

at her butt and said, "No wonder! You got one of them double barrels!"

============

Once upon a time these 2 gay guys were screwing when the
doorbell rang. The one in the back said, "Don't cum
without me; I'm going to go get rid of whoever this is."

The 'front' guy said he wouldn't. So, the 'back' guy
comes back from answering the door to find cum shot ALL
over the room, the bed, the dresser, etc.

He yelled, "I told you not to cum without me!"

The second guy said, "I didn't; I farted."

 

[melody]

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
*You ski uphill.
*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
*You answer the door before people knock.
*You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
*You sleep with your eyes open.
*You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
*You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
*You lick your coffeepot clean.
*You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there.
*You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
*You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
*You can jump-start your car without cables.
*All your kids are named "Joe".
*You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
*Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low".
*You don't sweat, you percolate.
*You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
*Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
*People get dizzy just watching you.
*When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup".
*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
*Starbucks own the mortgage on your house.
*You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
*People can test their batteries in your ears.
*Instant coffee takes too long.
*You channel surf faster without a remote.
*You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
*You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
*Your Thermos is on wheels.
*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
*You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
*You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
*You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
*Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter Scale.
*You can't even remember your second cup.
*You help your dog chase its tail.
*You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
*You speed walk in your sleep.
*You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
*You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
*The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
*You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
*You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
*You chew on other people's fingernails.
*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
*Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
*Cocaine is a downer.
*You buy milk by the barrel.
*You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
*You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
*You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.