JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Hemorroids

"Doctor, I can't find a comfortable position to sit."
The doctor examined Harry and said,
"I'm not surprised that you're having trouble sitting;
you have a good case of hemorrhoids."
He then gave Harry a supply of suppositories, and told him,
"Go home now, and use one of these each morning
and one at night until they're gone.
Then come back and we'll see how you are."
Harry went home, and in a couple of weeks returned,
still complaining of hemorrhoids.
"Well," said the doctor, "Did you use all of the suppositories?"
"Yes, I did," said Harry.
"I took one every morning and every night as you instructed,
even though they were pretty hard to swallow."
"For all the good they did me,
I might just as well have shoved them up my ass!"

&&&

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade.

How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
She opens the car door.

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the
escalators for over four hours.

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

How do you make a bitch scream twice during sex?
Fuck her in the ass and wipe your dick on the
curtains.

Pick up lines.
Do you know the difference between a hamburger
and a blow job?
No!? Wanna do lunch?

 

[melody]

Wife Jokes

April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

=====

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

George Burns

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburator."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."

Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
=====

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
=====

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
=====

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
=====

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
=====

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.
=====

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
=====

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
=====

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
=====

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
=====

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."
=====

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
=====

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
=====

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
=====

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
=====

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
=====

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
=====

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
=====

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
=====

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
=====

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
=====

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
=====

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father,
I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
=====

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
=====

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
=====

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelery.
=====

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
=====

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
=====

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

 

[melody]

Mammogram

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and
squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have
any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don`t
care. I just
came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the
breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 65 year old
ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.
___________

Said a woman with open delight
"My pubic hair's perfectly white
I admit there's a glare.
But the fellows don't care
They locate it more quickly at night."


There was a young man from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her,
When they got into bed he cried, God strike me dead!
This ain't a puss - its a corridor!"
___________

Jill and Phil had just finished a vigorous round of passionate sex when
Phil discovered that the condom he was using had come off.

After the initial panic wore off and expletives were issued, Phil, in a
fit of humor, grabbed a flashlight, and while pointing it towards Jill's
private parts yelled:

"Swim toward the light! Swim toward the light!"

 

[melody]

How To Shower Like A Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with you.

 

[melody]

The Cruise Ship

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her
hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman
approached her and said:

"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that
your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the
gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,
anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought
this hat yesterday!"

YYYYY

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from
their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this
"Sex and Marriage" book and all they talk about is "mutual orgasm."
"Mutual orgasm" here and "mutual orgasm" there, that's all they talk
about. Tell me Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have
"mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while......

Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm.

YYYYY

Q: What's the difference between a
dog howling on the back porch,
and a women howling on the front porch?
A: The dog shuts up when you let it in.

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs

 

[melody]

Blue-Blooded Millionaire

An old, blue-blooded, millionaire decides that he wants to get married,
but he wants to marry a virgin. One is not so easy to find in this day
and age, but he starts scouring the country in search of his virgin.
After a few months of looking, the millionaire is out on a date one
night, and he thinks he may have finally found his honey.

The woman seems extremely innocent, so after dinner, as they're riding
in the back of his limousine, the man whips out his cock.

"Oh my goodness!" exclaims the woman. "What in the world is that?"

"You don't know what this is?" asks the millionaire.

"Oh, no!" replies the woman. "I've never seen anything like that in my
whole life!"

The man puts his dick away, reaches over, and starts hugging the woman.

"I love you!" he cries. "I'm going to marry you! I'm going to make you
the richest, happiest woman in the whole world!"

A month later they get married. On their wedding night in the hotel
room, the husband sits down on the bed next to his wife. He pulls out
his penis and says to her, "Are you sure you've never seen anything
like this?"

"Never," says the woman, her eyes wide with wonder.

"Well," explains the man, "this is my cock."

"No, it's not!" says the woman, in total disbelief.

"It's not?" asks the puzzled millionaire.

"No," answers his wife. "Cocks are twelve inches and black!"
-----------
The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on
by a beautiful young woman.

She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked
now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?"

She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger
than that."

Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm
bigger than that."

Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said,
"I'm about that big."

She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."

 

[melody]

How To Dump A Partner

I thought this standardised form would help simplify the ****** process and make it more business-like.


Dear _______________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

(Check those that apply)

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___You have a hairy back.

___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.


Sincerely, _________________________________

 

[melody]

Broken Windows

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course,
lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said,
"Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball, don't knock out any windows.
It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest
house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch
out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how
much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on
in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a very unique
looking broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man sitting on
the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a
thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant
three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one
for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the

rest of my life." "No problem, it's the least I could do. And you, what
do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I would like a house

in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a
woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money

and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the
wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie
rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband
anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."

DDDDD

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be
the prostitute?
A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO"
Q: How do you know if the barman hates you.
A: When you find a string in your bloody Mary.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A: A hooker will stop screwing you once your dead.

 

[melody]

My First Mammogram

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!

Exercise 1

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.

Exercise 2

Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your mammogram!

qqqqq

A married guy is hanging his head.
His wife Says, "Honey, how come you are hanging your head, after all,
it's our 15th wedding anniversary.
Husband Says well honey, I was just thinking back 15 years ago when I
committed that crime, and your father the judge said, "Son, you can spend
15 years at hard labor or marry my daughter". And you know honey, I was
just thinking: I'd be out today"

 

[melody]

The Gerbil

The following is a REAL article that actually appeared in the LA Times, and then a critique by the person who wrote the news story.
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Eric, and his partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a feltching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our Gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out, "Armageddon!" my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the Gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Eric suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract."

Top ten scariest things about this story:

1. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." OUCH!!!

2. "So I peered into the tube..." Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars and stare at the sun.

3. That poor gerbil being shot out that guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel from Rocky and Bullwinkle.

4. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of somebody's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey.

5. People like this, walking around the street!

6. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room.
Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and using a charcoal lighter on me before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying, "Well its like this, Doc. See, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."

7. First and second degree burns to the anus? Wouldn't this make hemorrhoids a welcome relief? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top ten of horrible scents on the face of this earth.

8. People named Kiki, which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

9. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

10. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons?

aaaaa

In days of old
When Knights were bold
And rubbers weren't invented,
You stuck a sock around your cock
And babies were prevented!

There once lived a man named Dave
Who brought a dead whore to his cave.
She had only one tit
She tasted like shit
But think of the money he saved!

 

[melody]

Men - You Know You're Getting Old When

- You sit on the toilet for 2 hours and you can't shit
or jackoff

- Most of the spam email you get is about cremation services

- Your dick is getting smaller and your balls are filling
up your pants

- Piss stains are outnumbering cum stains in your underwear

- Your belt level is above your tits

- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.


Retirement

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout.

Time was when, of its own accords, from my trousers it would spring.

but now I have a full time job, just to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.

For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.

But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes.

 

[melody]

Regret It

A woman with huge breasts was out for a walk when she was jumped by a man holding a gun.
When he motioned for her to take off her blouse, she warned him he'd regret it, but he insisted.
Next he made her take her bra off, and when a giant set of tits popped into view he began to get incredibly excited.
"Take your skirt off," he demanded, ignoring her warnings that he leave off.
So, off came the skirt, and then the panties, revealing an equally huge pussy, green and slimy and swarming with bugs.
Shocked and repelled, he stepped back and dropped the gun to the ground.
Grabbing the gun, the woman pointed it at him, smiled broadly, and commanded,
"Eat Me."

&&&

This guy has a spare $10 that he decides to spend on his first hooker ever.
He goes out, he gets one, then he brings her home.
They have hours of hardcore sex. Then she leaves when he falls asleep.
The next morning, he wakes up and discovers that he has crabs, he goes and finds the hooker again and says, "Hey, Bitch, you gave me crabs!"
She replies, "Well for $10 what did you expect, Lobsters?"

&&&

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.

Here I sit in misty vapor in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes my finger.

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

Q. Why don't guys like to perform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!

Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

 

[melody]

If it tastes like chicken, keep on licking... If it tastes like trout,
get the fuck out!

KKKKK

A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some
refreshments and showed his date to her seat.

Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the
man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is
getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"

"Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.

KKKKK

While in the Army, a sergeant walked into the shower area
one day and caught Doug giving himself a dishonorable
discharge.

Without missing a beat, Doug looked up at the sergeant and
said, "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"

KKKKK

Mummy, Mummy, What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up son and eat your cornflakes!
Mummy, mummy, I don't like the crunchy stuff in my soup!
Shut up son, I'm too busy to pour granddad's vomit through a sieve!

KKKKK

One day, two gay men stopped at the gorilla cage at the zoo. They notice the gorilla has a huge dick.
One of the gay men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached
into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged
him into the cage and screwed him for six hours nonstop. When
he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage.

An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital.

The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked,
"Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't
called, he hasn't written..."

 

[melody]

Phat Jokes

There was a guy who really loved fat women. He would always go nuts over them. He went to a bar one night and noticed a fat woman walk in. Well he literally wet his pants, so he went over to her and eventually ended up at her house, and sweet talked his way into her bed.
Anyway, they started fucking away and after awhile the guy says, "Can we turn the light off please?"
"Why," said the fat woman, "Am I that ugly?"
"No," replied the guy, "It's just that while I'm fucking you I keep burning my arse on the lightbulb!"

@@@

How do you know when your woman is too fat?
When she needs an hour to take a shit - 45 minutes just to line her arse up!

How do you find a fat girl's cunt?
You flip through the folds until you smell shit, and then go back one!

How do you fuck a fat girl?
Roll her in flour and head for the wet spot!

How can you tell when your girlfriend is too fat?
When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo!

How can you tell when your overweight?
When you step on your dog's tail and it dies!

How do you know when you are just TOO fat?
Your car has stretch marks!

What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
They are both fun to ride but you don't want your friend's to see you on either of them!

@@@

Mick, a 400 pound country boy had a lot of trouble getting dates with girls. His friends, however, found a 350 pound girl who seemed willing to go out with him. Before his first date, Mick's friend's advised him to be nice to her at first.
"Compliment her on something." They told him, "Chicks always like to hear good things about themselves!"
Mick decided to give it a try, so he left to pick up his hefty honey. His friends were surprised when Mick returned an hour later, all alone.
"What happened?" his friends asked.
"I dunno," Mick replied, "After walking her from the door to the car, I took your advice, and she ran off crying."
"What did you say to her Mick?" his friends asked.
"I told her that for a fat, ugly broad, she didn't sweat so much!" cried Mick.

 

[melody]

Satisfying His Wife

A white guy was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his
black buddy at work for advice.
"Listen," said the inept white guy, "I know you soul brothers always
satisfy your women. How do you do it?"
"Oh, dat ain't no problem," said his friend. "What I do is stick it
in 'em real slow, and then pull it out from 'em real fast.
Keep doin' that and dey come every time."

The white guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique
out.
He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly, just like
his buddy said. After a while he asked his wife,
"Honey, do notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"
"Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like a black guy."

____________

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need? As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one... Wait! Make it MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... Shit! Give me a TISSUE !!!"

____________

Q: Why do most men prefer women with big tits and tight twats?
A: Because most men have big mouths and small dicks.
Q: What is the definition of the perfect wife?
A: A hot rich mute nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store.
Q: What's the difference between a pedophile and a pediatrician?
A: The pedophile really loves children.
Q: What did the little girl say to the lesbian pedophile?
A: Can I go to sleep now, Mommy?

 

[melody]

Request By The Penis

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following
reasons:

has to work hard;
has to work at great depths;
has to work upside down;
has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
has to work in a high humidity environment;
has to work at high temperatures;
does not get weekends and holidays off;
does not get time off after extra hours of work;
has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional
sickness.

IIIII

Request denied for the following reasons:

does not work 8 hours in a row;
does not answer immediately to all requests;
after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
shows no fidelity to the workplace;
retires too early;
does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
sometimes leaves work, too early.

IIIII

One night this guy was waiting in line to get in the movies. The guy
behind him was pushing and shoving up against him. Several times he
told the guy to get lost, each time a little less politely.
Finally he turned around and said, "Look, buddy, if you don't stop
pushing me, I'm going to shove my umbrella straight up your ass!"
The other guy said, "Oh, yeth, pleathe, and then open it thlowly!"

 

[melody]

Beside The Lake

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot,
dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh, if I go down three
inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down
three inches, that fish will jump for the fly, and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly
goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will
expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have
a proper trophy."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but
I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes
down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear
grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his
cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch
time, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps
for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots
that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I
can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water,
The fish swallows the fly,
The bear grabs the fish,
The hunter shoots the bear,
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich,
The cat jumps for the mouse,
The mouse ducks, and
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy is probably in danger!

]]]]]

The bar was getting ready to close, so he asked the nearest woman:
What would you say to a little "oral" activity?
"That all depends,..."
she quickly responded.
.Your face, or mine?"

]]]]]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be, that one of us is Chinese.
It's either my mom or my dad, my older brother Colin, me or my youngest brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
I think it's Colin.

 

[melody]

A Very Serious Disease

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check
up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease,
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your
husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant
and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious
meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden
him with chores. Don't discuss your stress; this will probably make him
feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband
every day of the week, giving him oral sex every other day. If you can
do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say to
you?"

"You're going to die."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~^~*~^~

Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has
granny got a shrimp between her legs?"

"Don't be silly, granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs!" his
mother replies.

But Little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.

With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok, I
have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"

Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a very
hot evening, granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on.
Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between
granny's legs. "Look I told you so" he shouts "See a little shrimp!"

His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "Ok Little Johnny, I
know it looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a clitoris."

"That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp........"

 

[melody]

Misses Her Period

An eighteen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has
missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the
drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl
is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the
pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand
new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with
gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of
it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the
mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a
beach Villa and a $1,000, 000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy
will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is
twins, a factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage......."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places
a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You'll fuck her
again!"

&&&

There was a young lady from Bath,
Who loved to make love in the grass,
"It is better than a bed",
"I can rest my head",
"And I love how it tickles my ass"

There once was a woman from China,
Who went to sea on a liner,
She slipped on the deck,
And twisted her neck,
And now she can see up her vagina.

 

[melody]

A Cowboy Having Dinner

A cowboy had just spent a week penned up in a cattle railcar, tending to
their needs until they reached their destination. Following the
unloading of the cattle he headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only
seat was next to a lady who looked wealthy and educated. He couldn't
help overhearing her order.

"I'll have a breast of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it's a virgin, catch
it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot,
not to cold, and open the window, I smell a cow, there must be a cowboy
in here."

Thoroughly pissed off, the cowboy placed his order. "I'll have a duck, a
fucked duck, make sure it's fucked, fuck it yourself, garnish my plate
with horse shit, a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, blow the
foam off with a fart, and knock out the wall, I smell a cunt, there must
be a whore in the house."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

An overworked hooker once said,
"I must change the sheets on my bed...
I've developed a rash,
On the lips of my gash,
and the inside's all puffy and red!"

I'll bury my face in your bush
And grab me two handfuls of tush
I'll lick and I'll linger
Maybe insert a finger
Till you get an incredible rush

I heard that she'd never say no
To oral sex. Just 10 bucks a blow.
But when down on her knees,
I said, "Oh, baby, please
Move up, you're too low, that's my toe!"

There once was an old man from Wicket.
Who asked a young lady to lick it.
She promptly said no, And started to go,
But she did tell him where he could stick it.