JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A Dog Named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call
mine Sex. He's a great pal, but he has caused me a
great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I
told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He
said, I'd like one too!

I said, But this is a dog.. He said he didn't care what
she looked like. Then I said, You don't understand.
I've had Sex, since I was 9 years old. He winked and
said You must have been quite a kid.

When I married and went on my honeymoon. I took the
dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a
room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said, You don't need a special room. As long as you
pay your bill, we don't care what you do.

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the
competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just standing there,
looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have
Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my
own tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight
for custody of the dog. I said, Your Honor, I had Sex
before I was married. The judge said, The courtroom
isn't a confessional. Stick to the case please.

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.
He said, Me too.

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking
all over town for him. A cop came over to me and
asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock
in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for
Sex. My case comes up Friday.
________

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and
immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.
"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "that
there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six
o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another
woman's perfume all over you."
"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

 

[melody]

Phunny Shorties

The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips
before starting the game. The American decided to teach the Italian the
proper way to putt a golf ball.
The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they
roll into the hole." The American putted away and sank the ball from 20
feet in a single stroke. The Italian replied,
"In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in
dahole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our
balls out!"

rrr

The Perfect Breakfast - You're sitting at the breakfasst table and:
- your son is on the box of Wheaties.
- your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
- your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

rrr

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"
She says, "What's that?"
He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."

rrr

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them
to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut
up.

rrr

What did the doctor say to the nervous patient who was about to have a
circumcision done?
"It won't be long now....!!"

rrr

A pickle and and a penis were comparing woes. The pickle began, "When I get big
and fat and juicy, they cover me with seasoning and stick me in a jar."
"That's nothing," said the penis, "When I get big and fat and juicy, they cover my
head with a plastic bag, stick me in a dark, smelly corridor, and make me do pushups
until I puke."

 

[melody]

A Considerate Man's Thoughts

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice
this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the
situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it
became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra
income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a
trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was
fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a
phlebotomist.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed
that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from
fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that
she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper.

I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to
take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used
to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper
on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times
each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she
appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before
she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger,
Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not
get tired.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly.
Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those
steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes
up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the
Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club
or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I
will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.
This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and
ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to
gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Nancy is starting
to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just
enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is
difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour.

In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to
offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even
three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind
her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her
any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest
periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she
said she had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard.

I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age
talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these
little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,
cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may
as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she
can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Nancy on a daily basis.

I'm not saying that the ability to show
this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how
frustrating women can become as they get older.

My purpose in
writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I
realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing
consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.

However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less
often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was
worthwhile.

(This was written by the deceased husband of a friend of mine! He
mysteriously passed on shortly after writing this. The cause of
death is still under investigation).

 

[melody]

The Wedding Test

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
****** for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There
was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger
sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend
down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice
view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she
was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight
to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards
my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We
are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

________

Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: An expensive way to get their laundry done for free.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in boiling water?
A: Stu.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs holding down a railroad tie?
A: Spike.

Q: What do you call a cat with no arms and no legs?
A: Dog food.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a forest fire?
A: Bernie.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs stuck in a quarry?
A: Rocky.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

________

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaimed the man. "There's something
terribly wrong with my digestive system. When I eat bananas,
bananas come out the other end. When I eat apples, apples
come out the other end. What should I do?"
"Simple," the doctor replied. "Eat shit."

 

[melody]

20 Ways In Which A Dildo Beats The Real Thing

1. It never goes limp on you
2. It doesn't make you pregnant.
3. It doesn't give you any nasty rashes or diseases.
4. You don't have to make it breakfast in the morning.
5. You don't have to listen to it's problems
6. It has a permanent hard-on and can keep going all night
7. It doesn't give you any shit
8. It will never fuck another woman
9. You never have to tell it you've got a headache
10. You never have to fake an orgasm
11. It never stands you up
12. It doesn't lie to you
13. It doesn't get angry if you're not in the mood
14. You don't feel obliged to fuck it just cos it happens to have a hard-on
15. It always makes sure you cum first
16. When you give it a blow job you don't have to swallow
17. It doesn't suffer from premature ejaculation
18. Doesn't need Viagra
19. You can put it in the cupboard and forget it's there.
20. It can give you a quickie any time you want
________

A very good magician has hypnotized an entire audience. He has them under his complete control and they are willing do whatever he tells them to do. Unfortunately, at the vital moment, he trips over the microphone cord, lands on his ass and says "Shit!"

 

[melody]

Cum Swallowing Tips...Part 3

*56 All you can really do is swallow A.S.A.P., and after a few swallows of your own spit, the taste should be gone. I actually don't like deep throating because then the taste goes straight to the bitter-tasting taste buds of your tongue, and that's usually where the taste stays. If you just have him cum into the center of your mouth then swallow, the semen will just quickly flow down and the taste doesn't linger. - Bianca, Detroit

*57 Watch out for the power shooter! Sometimes guys shoot with great force. If he blows a healthy load, you may find yourself choking on his goodness. If your guy fires forcefully just pull back a bit - it'll help you from gagging on his cum. - Kyle, North Carolina

*58 Get the guy to go vegetarian. The cum will be sweet and not bitter. - Anonymous, U.

*59 My girlfriend always gets me to eat a lot of pineapple the day before she gives me a blowjob. She says it really makes my cum taste sweet. Whatever, no complaints, she's the boss!! All I know is I'm getting a lot more head than I normally would and I couldn't be happier!! - Anonymous, Calgary

*60 I hated swallowing my boyfriend's cum until I just focused on the pleasure it was giving him. I just put the taste of it out of my mind and swallowed. At first it was gross, I will admit, but after a few times I really started to enjoy it. - Anonymous, Ohio

*61 Don't forget to ejaculate regularly, to make sure the taste stays fresh. Just like with food, the longer your semen stays in there, the less fresh the taste will be. Just try eating 4-day-old donuts and you'll see what I mean! - Lazzo, Holland

*62 When you know he's about to come, I find its best to direct it into the side of your mouth and then swallow it in one big gulp. That way you don't choke on it and you can hardly taste it. - S., Lancaster

*63 You never know what a guy will taste like, so every time I give a blow job, I tell the guy if he wants me to swallow, to put his hand over my mouth after he cums and make me swallow it. No matter how bad it tastes, even if he cums a lot, I always swallow doing it this way. I may feel like barfing, but the feeling passes when a man's strong hand covers my mouth and his other rubs the front of my neck and forces me to swallow his cum. - Brad, California

 

[melody]

New One Liners!

Q: Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
A: It's for foul balls.
Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So no one confuses them with feminists.
Q: What is the difference between American sewers and Mexican sewers?
A: Mexican sewers have diving boards!
Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids
Q: What's the definition of a virgin?
A: An ugly second grader.
Q: Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook?
A: 100 ways to wok your dog.
Q: Why did god create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could get laid too.
Q: What is the difference between a fag and a freezer.
A: The freezer don't fart when you take the meat out!
Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.
Q: Why does everyone want to work at the impotency clinic?
A: It's a soft job.
Q: What's the difference between wives and secretaries?
A: Secretaries get a little behind at work, wives get a big behind at home.
Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.
Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: "I can do so much better."
Q: What did he say after he created woman?
A: "Guess I was wrong!"
Q: What's worse than your best friend telling you that he's a faggot?
A: When he tells you that he fucked you that night you passed out drunk on his couch!
Q: What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A: A scrotum pole!
Q: Why don't women have brains?
A: They don't have a cock to keep them in!
Q: How do you get four faggots to share a barstool?
A: Turn it upside down!
Q: What's the most amazing thing about AIDS?
A: It can turn a fruit into a vegetable!
Q: What did the Mexican do with his first 50 cent piece?
A: He married her.
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
Q: What do you call a Muslim roofing contractor?
A: Shiite on a shingle.
Q: Why don't employers give blondes coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to re train them.
Q: What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You can't gargle sand!

 

[melody]

Bear Hunting

Elkins is out hunting and sees a bear. He shoots, and the bear
falls. He goes running up, and there's no bear. There's a tap
on his shoulder, he turns around, and it's the bear.

The bear says, "Did you just shoot at me?"
Elkins says, "Yeah."
The bear points at his dick and says, "Suck my cock."
What can he do, it's a bear. So he sucks the bear's cock.
He swallows. [That has nothing to do with the joke, but I like
to promote that whenever I can.]

Elkins goes to the gun shop and buys a double-barrel
shotgun. He goes into the woods, sees the bear, fires both
barrels, and the bear falls. He goes running up, and there's no
bear. There's a tap on his shoulder, and it's the bear.

The bear says, "Did you just shoot at me twice with a
double barrel shotgun?"
Elkins says, "Yeah."
The bear says, "Pull down your pants and bend over that
log."
What can he do, it's a bear. He pulls down his pants,
bends over the log, and the bear fucks him in the ass. And it
takes a long time because the bear just had sex the day
before.

The next day Elkins goes to the gun shop and buys an
elephant gun. He goes into the forest, spots the bear, empties
the gun into it, and the bear falls. He goes running up, and
there's no bear. There's a tap on his shoulder.
He turns around and the bear says, "You don't come here to
hunt, do you?"

========

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his
psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist
consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter
of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached
to." "But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel,
ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse." "Hmmm," the
doctor asked, "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!"
the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY???"

 

[melody]

Some Relief

A man notices his thirteen-year-old son has been walking around for a week with a hard-on in his pants, and figures the boy needs some relief. He gives the kid twenty dollars and says: "Take this to the whorehouse at the other end of town, and have some fun."
Well, the whorehouse is a good hour walk each way, but the boy returns in only 45 minutes. The father says: "where were you?"
"Well," says the boy, "when I walked by Grandma's house she asked where I was going and I told her. She said, 'why don't you just come in here instead, and I'll do you for free.' So that's what I did."
The father, outraged, screams: "Are you telling me you fucked my MOTHER?"
"What's the big deal," says the boy, "you fuck mine!"



A gay guy walks into the doctors office. He takes off his clothes for examination.
When he takes his clothes off the doctor sees a Nicoderm patch at the end of his penis.
The doctor says... "Hmmm, that's interesting...Does it work?" The man answers..
"Sure does... I haven't had a butt in 3 weeks!"


A man went in to his optometrist for his eye appointment
and was told "You're going to have to stop masturbating, Mr
Smith."
"Holy Shit! Why? Am I going to go blind?"
"No. But you are disturbing my other patients in the
waiting room."


Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: Choked.
Q: How can you tell that a female bartender is really pissed at you?
A: There's a white string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.

 

[melody]

100 Ways For A Man To Keep His Testosterone Flowing
(Part One,)

1: Don't call, ever.
2: If you like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure
it out by herself.
3: Lie.
4: Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
unoriginal, such as "spike"
6: Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go
out with me?
8: Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9: Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a
nice grunt will do.
10: Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it
isn't your fault.
11: Lie
12: Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13: Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
14: Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15: Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever
you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
16: If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason
why,
just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know.
I just don't like her personality."
17: If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18: TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
19: Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in
urine.
20: One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend.
She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up
on her.
21: Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
22: Say things like "Wha...?"
23: Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend
picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
24: Lie.
25: Deny everything. Everything.
26: Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me." (ripped off from
George Castanza)
27: If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because
if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.
28: Don't have a clue.
29: If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
30: No means yes.
31: Yes means no.
32: If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel.
Enforce this rule at all times.
33: If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and
locations. Improvise.
34: Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
signifies the end of a relationship.
35: Feelings? What feelings?
36: Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you
don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
37: Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
38: Lie I tell you!!
39: DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into
a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up
with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example:
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
40: Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual
meaning. Do so.
41: At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an
exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
42: Lie.
43: "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it. 44: A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45: Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.
46: Lie.
47: ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48: If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49: Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
50: Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see
you.

 

[melody]

Welfare Office

A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the
counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather
find a job,"

The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing.
We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are
provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be
provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her
overseas holidays trips.
The salary package is $200,000 a year!"

The man said, "You're bullshitting me man!"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Yeah, well, you started it."

*****
If size doesn't matter, how come my girlfriends vibrator isn't three
inches long and crooked?

*****
I don't know whats happening in this country. You've got school
children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children.
Its a nightmare ... you just don't know whether to carry sweets or money!

*****
A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap
over his dick. An ugly woman is passing and remarks 'if you were a
gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ...'
He replies 'If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!'

*****
A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
Whereupon the blonde responded, "What else you gonna name watch dogs?"

 

[melody]

The Ugliest Wife

These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest
wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper
telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, "why don't
you settle it once and for all and just visit each others house and
decide for yourselves..."
Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the
first guys house.
Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers,
she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two.
Not so
fast says the second, I got that beat.

And off they go to his house... He
bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer the door opens and all three
step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the
third guy says sorry I've got you both beat.
He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone
around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear
this
voice say "Is that you honey?"
"Yeah it's me," he says.
"Do you want me to come out?" she asks
"Yes please," he says.
"Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks.
He says, "No. I don't want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!"
====================
May your bleeding piles torment you
And corns grow on your feet
And crabs the size of horse turds
Get on your balls and eat
And when you're old and feeble
A syphilitic wreck
May your head fall through your asshole
And break your fucking neck

 

[melody]

World Women's Conference

At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from
England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about
being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference
I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for
him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day
I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no
longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw
nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only
his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer
do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After
the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing.
But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

====================

A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a
blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off
without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket
of sperm beside the bed.

He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his
life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth.
She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum
into that damned bucket.

The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"

She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet.
Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."

 

[melody]

An Old Saggy Bitch

A man walks into a whorehouse late one night. He wants to get
a good-looking whore, but they're all occupied right now. He
ends up with the most God-awful-looking, old, saggy bitch, and
he was so disgusted, all he could do was shit in her face.
To his surprise, he enjoyed this a lot. This became a nightly
affair for him, as he would ask for the old whore and shit in
her face.
Unfortunately, after a couple weeks, the thrill wore off, so the
next time he went in, he asked for a pretty girl and fucked her.
As he was leaving, the old whore ran up to him, fell at his feet
and said, "What's the matter, don't you love me anymore?"
====================
This guy only had $5.00, but he just had to have some sex, so he went
to the whore house & asked what he could get for $5.00. The madam
said she didn't have anything, but the guy insisted he HAD to get laid.
She finally felt sorry for the poor bastard, so she took him up to a
really old lady who cleans up the place , and said he could have her for
$5.00. They started getting it on, but it was really dry & rough. After a
while, however, it got _really_ moist & smooth. He finally exploded, and
they started talking about it.
He told her how rough it was to start, but how GREAT it got, & that it
was the best he'd ever had, once things started moving!
She said, "Yea, I know what you mean, once all those blisters popped,
it really felt great for me too!"

 

[melody]

Unfaithful

A young wife was at home waiting for her husband to get off work when
the doorbell rang. It was the Fuller Brush Man with her order from the
week before. She told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you
some pussy instead. Come on back to the bedroom."

They made their way back to the bedroom and started fucking. About the
time that the Fuller Brush Man popped his nuts, there was a knock on
the door. The wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my
husband!"

The guy crawled underneath the bed and the wife went to the door. It
was the delivery boy from the grocery store with her grocery order. She
said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead.
Come on back to the bedroom."

Again, while the wife was fucking the delivery boy and he was cumming,
the doorbell rang. The wife exclaimed, "Quick! Get under the bed! It
might be my husband!" So he crawled under the bed.

At the door, it was the delivery boy from the drug store with her order.
She said, "I don't have any money, but I'll give you some pussy instead.
Come on back to the bedroom." They started fucking and just when the
boy shot his wad, there was another knock on the door.

It was the insurance man who had come to collect the weekly payment.
The wife said, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy
instead.
Come on back to the bedroom".

They went back to the bedroom and starting getting it on and had just
finished when the doorbell rang. "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be
my husband!", said the wife. So, he got underneath the bed.

At the door was the coal truck driver with a load of coal for the
furnace. He was a black man, unlike the crackers before him. The wife
told him, "I don't have any money but I'll give you some pussy instead.
Come on back to the bedroom".

They went back to the bedroom and consummated the agreement the wife had
made. While the coal man was getting off, the doorbell rang again. The
wife said, "Quick! Get under the bed! It might be my husband!"

She went to the door, sweaty and smelly and cum dripping from her
cooze, and this time it WAS her husband. He came in and sniffed the funky
smells in the air, and shouted at her, "Damn you! You been fuckin'
somebody else again! I told you I was gonna pull all the hairs out of
your cunt, one by one, if I ever caught you fuckin' again. Back to the
bedroom and lay on the bed, bitch!"

They went to the bedroom and he threw her on the bed and started
pulling hairs out of her pussy. As we know, it was pretty crowded underneath
the bed but the ones who were there remained silent while the wife screamed
at each pull of a hair. The husband finally had pulled all the hairs
out except for one. He just couldn't get the last hair pulled out and he
screamed, "Come on out of there, you black bastard!"

With that, the coal driver stuck his head out from under the bed and
said, "Let 'de fo' white gentlemans go fust."

(This is NOT racially motivated, I couldn't resist, it's too funny)

 

[melody]

A Medical Problem

A couple was planning to get married. Before the wedding, the bride
goes up to her fiance's father and tells him,
"There's something I haven't told your son yet...some sort of a medical
problem..." She tells him, and he agrees to tell his son...

He pulls his son off to the side for a few minutes and tells him,
"There's something I need to tell you about your future wife...She has
acute angina.

The son turns to him and says,"That's great!
'Cause her tits sure are ugly!"
____________

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got
separated. When they ran into each other later the first
old lady said to the second,
"My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked!
How can they display such a thing! Why the penis on it was
so large!"

Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out,
"...and cold, too!"
____________

What's the difference between 'ohh' and 'ahh'?
About 4 inches.

When does a cub become a boy scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.

My back aches, my pussy is sore,
I simply can't fuck anymore,
I'm covered in sweat, And you haven't come yet,
And my God, its a quarter to four!

 

[melody]

Make Me Sterile

Dear Dr. Dover:

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are
numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7
children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are
useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method.
Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I
ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a
band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?

A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with
the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the
house
was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.

A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast
feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin,
Silky Hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.

Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after
intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still
got pregnant
again.

I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I
bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me
as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your
thumb could prevent babies.

We tried the coil next but that didn't
work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a right-hand
screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got
severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the
forehead.

Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it
between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.

You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will
have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it
is any substitute for the real thing.

Yours sincerely,

Bubba Brickhead

 

[melody]

July 1
Oh, kids are wild today. They get pregnant from eating chicken. Yeah, it's finger-lickin' good and one thing leads to another!

July 2
My life, I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. And I was jealous of the dog - so they got rid of me!

July 3
I don't get no respect. One night I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand - my wife lit it!

July 4
I made love to an inflatable girl - now I got an inflatable guy lookin' for me!

July 5
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

July 6
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I was so poor, in my neighborhood - the rainbow was in black and white!

July 7
I tell you, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting to fighters - my wife and her mother.

July 8
I was crossing the street, I got hit by a bookmobile. I was laying there in pain moaning, the guy went shhhhhhhhhhhh....

July 9
In my neighborhood, they got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

July 10
Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother!

July 11
I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the circus; we went to see the freaks. The owner looked at me, he said, "Get the kid out. He's distracting from the show!"

July 12
What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food!

July 13
Oh, when I was kid, I got no respect. I was kidnapped; they sent back a piece of my finger. My old man said he wanted more proof.

July 14
Oh, I knew one guy, he never went off his diet - he never drank, he never smoked, he never did anything wrong ... he was in perfect health - right up 'til the time he killed himself.

July 15
Oh, I'm getting old - my insurance company sent me half a calendar!

July 16
And when we were kids, the whole neighborhood made fun of my brother. They'd call him four eyes. Then when he got glasses then they called him eight eyes.

July 17
I told a guy, "Kids. Today the way they dress, you can't tell boys from girls. Why, look at that kid over there. What's that? A boy or a girl?" He said, "That's a boy, that's my son." I said, "Sure, you knew, you're his father." He said, "I'm not his father, I'm his mother!"

July 18
Oh, yesterday was a beauty. I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my kids!

July 19
I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

July 20
With my wife, I can never have a good time. The other night I was drinking. She told me to stop. She said, "You're drunk enough for me." I told her, "I'm never drunk enough for you."

July 21
I remember I told my wife, "Honey, I love you, will you marry me?" She said, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do this."

July 22
My doctor told me not to make any quick moves - and my wife told me not to make any moves!

July 23
I tell you, a hooker is more important than a doctor. I mean, four o'clock in the morning, drunk. I'd never walk up five flights of stairs to see a doctor.

July 24
I found out how the limbo started - yeah, midgets sneaked into a pay toilet.

July 25
Last week, my fan club broke up - the guy died.

July 26
Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. I used to sleep six in one bed. I didn't know what it was to sleep alone until I got married!

July 27
When I was a kid, I was poor. My teeth were all yellow - I mean yellow - why, when I would smile, I would stop traffic!

July 28
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was, she put everything in both names. Her and her mother's.

July 29
I loaned a guy ten thousand dollars to get plastic surgery - now I can't find him - I don't know what he looks like!

July 30
Oh, I had an uncle who was really a big drinker. The fire burned for four days!

July 31
And I was an ugly kid. Every time my old man wanted sex, my mother showed him my
picture. I mean, ugly. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

 

[melody]

ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE
#2

Penis breath, a lover's dread,
Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasant as it tends to be,
Be grateful that he doesn't pee.

It's times like this, you wonder why,
You bothered reaching for his fly.
But it's too late, can't be a tease,
Accept the facts, get on your knees.

You know you've got a job to do,
So open wide and shove it through,
Lick the tip then take it all.
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl,

Slide up and down, use your tongue.
And feel the precum start to run,
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,
So when the fuck's he gonna cum.

Just, when you can't take anymore,
You hear your lover's mighty roar.
And when he hits that real high note,
You feel it oozing down your throat.

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,
Okay already, that's enough.
Let's switch you say, before you gag,
And what revenge, you're on the rag.

*******

Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot summer day.
They come upon this old lady sitting on steps in front of her house
eating watermelon.

They notice that she wasn't wearing any panties. So they ask her if its
cooler without wearing any panties.

She said, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off
the watermelon."

 

[melody]

An Antique Shop

Amber walked into an antique shop and noticed a
beautiful set of glasses. However, they cost $25
more than she could afford. So, she asked the
owner if he was prepared to give her a discount.
The owner said she could have the glasses
for free if she was prepared to suck half of
his dick. Amber declined, and stormed out
of the shop. After thinking about the beautiful
glasses, she returned an hour later, and agreed to
take him up on his offer.

He unzipped his pants and Amber began
sucking the head of his dick.

"Half a dick, right?" said Amber.

"Yeah," he replied, suddenly revealing the full length
of his massive tool.

Amber yelled: "Hold on, you said half!"

He replied: "That's right, but I didn't
say which fucking half!"

=========

A man is out with his row boat when suddenly a passing speed
boat raises huge waves and the mans oars fall overboard! He is
stranded out in the middle of the lake!

After about 2 hours he sees another row boat going by with a
man and two women in it!

The first man yells "Hey buddy...can I borrow one of your oars??"

The other man yells back "They're not whores...they're my sisters.