JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Different types of pain

Three women, while traveling in a train, are
discussing different types of pain.

The first woman says, "There is no pain like when you
suffer a fracture."

The second woman says, "That's nothing. Post-surgical
pain is the worst."

The third woman says, "I disagree. Pain during childbirth
is the severest."

An old man who is resting up on the top bunk overhears
this conversation and interrupts them.

"I don't think you three have ever experienced a swift
kick to the balls."

ooooo

THERE once was a girl from Mitchen
Who was scratching her twat in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose, You’ve got crabs I suppose."
She said, "Yes and the fuckers are itchin’!"
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pig shit and snot
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat

ooooo

The Miranda Rights For New York City

1. You have the right to swing first. Anything you do can and
will lead to a broken fucking skull.

2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present
at the time of the skull breaking.

3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of
charge, to read you the last rites, you piece of shit.

 

[melody]

Little Johnny says to his mother, "Mom, is the lady next door
bionic?"
"Of course not, why do you ask Little Johnny?" said his mother. "
Oh, it's just that I heard Dad telling Uncle Bob that he had screwed
her eyes out!"

KKKKK

What do you call two women in a freezer?
Cold cunts.

What did Wendy say when she stuck her hand down Ronald McDonald's pants?
"Where's the beef?"

What do you call a faggot in the navy?
A Rear Admiral.

Why are men Thinkers and women Talkers?
Because men have two heads and women have four lips.

When is the only time you should fake an orgasm?
When you have a Rotweiller rooting your leg.

What's the difference between a lollipop and a penis?
If you lick a lollipop, it becomes smaller... but if you lick a penis it becomes bigger!

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Proctologist: "Do you know I just pulled a dozen roses out of your rectum?"
Gay patient: "Is that so? What's the card say?"

What's blue and comes in Brownies?
Cub Scouts.

Where do women pilots sit?
In the cuntpit.

KKKKK

The young couple is on their honeymoon. After a few hours of
exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think
you're going?"

"Nowhere, Sweetie," he says. "Please turn over."

 

[melody]

The Barracks Door

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady
cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
This is not a phrase we men normally use so he went on his way
looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man
came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished
his shopping.
He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady
was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to
have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said,
"When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier
standing in there at attention?"
The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I
saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags!!

nnn

Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra?
A man took twelve pills and his wife died.

nnn

A Kiwi ( New Zealander ) walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

 

[melody]

Snack Time

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher
brought around cookies for snack time.
"Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and
scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.
When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide
behind the curtain until snack time came around.
As she came to Little Johnny she again said to him,
"Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.
The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother,
"See? Did you hear what he said?"
"So?" said his mother,
"Don't fucking give him one."

nnn

Oh goodness gracious what big boobs!
They make my cum spurt out in goobs!
Their great to lick and squeeze and suck
not to mention titty fuck!

They say that having such big boobs
are really just a waste
but it takes more than just a mouthful
to get the greatest taste!

 

[melody]

Married Life

Sid and Sheri were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment."

But then Sid realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am
for an early morning drive with some pals to a golf match.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the "war"), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 am."

The next morning, Sid woke up, only to discover it was 7:00 am
and that his friends would have left for the golf course without him.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened
him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It's 5:00am. Wake up."

Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests

(((((

When I was just a little girl, I used to like to sing,
and with my finger play with my little thing
But now that I've grow up, my finger has lost it's charm,
and to satisfy my needs, I need half a fucking arm.

(((((

A Polish girl went to the gynaecologist. She disrobed and
got up into the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at the
neglectful state of her vagina he asked,
"When was the last time you had a check-up?"

"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed,
"I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several
Hungarians."

(((((

Jill goes to her Gynecologist complaining of pain during intercourse.
"Every time I do it doggy style, it hurts terribly!" she exclaims.
The doctor queries, "Why don't you use the missionary position?"
"I would...but I can't stand the dog's breath in my face."

 

[melody]

Faith In Thee

There was a father and a nun and a camel lost in the
dessert. The camel dies and it's just the father and the
nun. When they figure it's useless, father says to the nun
"I've never seen a naked lady before can you please remove
your dress."

The nun thinks about it and decides what the hell and takes
off her clothes. She then says "Father I've never seen a
naked man before can you take off your clothes." Father
thinks about it and decides what the hell and takes off his
clothes. The nun looks down at his cock and asks "What's
that father?" The father says "That is the gift of life."
The nun then tells him "If that is the gift of life then
stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."


Some nuns were walking down the steps of a church when a
young priest walked up and into the church nodding to them.
"That father James, he's a rascal." "Sister Anna what do
you mean?"

"Well, he opened his pants one day when I was confessing and
told me that his penis was the staff of life, and had me
pull it" 'Well, said the other nun, He told me it was
Gabriel's horn and made me blow it!.


A priest gets a flat tire fixed. As the car's coming down on the lift, the priest asks the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight?"
The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's cunt."
The priest frowns and says, "You better give them another turn then."


There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and after dining in the restaurant he invited the waitress called Julie up to his room for drinks.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So after a wild night of sex the waitress asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone had written in pencil - "Julie, the dining room waitress puts out!"

 

[melody]

"The Toilet"

A man won an all expense paid trip to New York. Of course, he was freaking stoked about it, so he went.
When he arrived at the hotel, he let himself be escorted to the room. It was glorious, with a big screen T.V. with satellite service, thousands of channels, porn, PPV and all, a king size bed, free long distance, DSL internet, and a bathroom the size of his living room.
He had thought throughout the tour, that this place was just too great to leave. So he decided to stay there instead of wandering the hectic streets of New York City. Well, first off, he had to take a shit after the long plane ride, so he headed to the bathroom. He sat down at the toilet, took his dump, then noticed that there was not T.P.. He was a bit pissed, but then he saw three buttons on the side of the shitter.

He thought, "..the bellhop had said not to use them...but....what the fuck can it hurt, right?..."
So, he pressed the first button, and a jet of water shot at his ass, cleaning the crap away.
"..Whoa shit, that was weird....oh well....kinda cool though..."

He pressed the next one, and his hole was blow-dryed.
"...Heh-heh..that's awesome..all clean and dry..."

He thought for a second, and pressed the third button, then felt the worst pain in his life, causing him to pass out right then and there. He woke up about fifteen minutes later in an ambulance, and was looking around, settling his eyes on the nurse.

"...Wha-...what happened?..."
The nurse replied " Sir, you pressed the third button on the toilet."
"...Why am I in an ambulance?...
" The nurse hesitated for a moment. "Sir, the third button was the switch for a tampon remover. We're taking you to the hospital to have your penis reattached."

......weird.....yes........funny...............yes...........

&&&

I love to suck a great big tit
inch by inch, bit by bit,
I love to see her big breasts bare
they make my cum fly through the air.

 

[melody]

Sorority Girl

What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more
attractive?
Her ankles.

What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball. You could eat a
bowling ball if you had to.
You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.

How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in
the gutter and they always come back for more.

What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ?
Sorority girls cost less per score.

What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.

What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Introduce herself. Walks home.

What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.

What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
"Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."

What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...

Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.

How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie
on the bed.

Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
_______________

A man cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered
into her ear:"Could we make love, please dear?"
"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache,"
she replied."Please, I'll only stick it in for a minute,"
pleaded her husband. His wife replied:
"What do you think I am, a fucking microwave?

 

[melody]

A Horsefly And An Elephant

A horsefly kept biting an elephant near her tail. She kept swinging
her trunk, but he was far out of reach.

A little sparrow observed this and flew down and snipped the
horsefly in half.

"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "Listen, if there's anything I
can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."

The sparrow paused. "Well, ma'am -," he said.

"What is it," said the elephant. "You needn't be shy with me."

"Well," said the sparrow, "the truth is that all my life I wondered
how it would feel to fuck an elephant."

"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!"

The sparrow began to fuck away. Up above them, a monkey got very
excited and started to masturbate.

This shook a coconut loose and it hit the elephant smack on the
head.

"Ouch!" said the elephant.

The sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you,
dear?"
___________

An 18-year-old young woman arrived home very late from a first
date with a guy. Her angry mother asked her "where the hell"
she'd been all night.

"Mom, I'm an adult now," said the woman, "and I think I am in
love!"

"What do you mean?" queried the concerned mother. "It was only
your first date with the guy!"

"Yeah," replied the daughter, "but I sucked his dick and then he
fucked me in the ass!"

"That's not LOVE, my daughter," replied mother. "That's LUST!"

"Then what's love?" asked daughter.

Mother explained, "When you get fucked in the ass first and then
suck his dick, that's love!"

 

[melody]

The Evil Image

A man standing on a bridge seems to be contemplating suicide...

He lost his job, his home and his car..

Out of nowhere a evil image with a cape appears and asks the man what his problem was.

The man replies he has nothing to live for... everything is gone.

The evil image in the cape tells man he is the devil, and he would grant him
three wishes in return for a blow job under the bridge.

The man thinks for a minute, and agrees to the terms offered.

First he says he needs a new home, and the evil image tells the man that he now has a 6 bedroom house with 3 baths at 316 Oak View Lane.

Second, he says he needs a new job, and the evil image tells the man he is
now Senior VP at IBM..

Third, he says he needs a new car in order to get back and forth to work, and the evil image tells the man he has 2 Lincoln Town cars in his new 2 car garage.

"Well," the evil image says, "it's time to keep your end of the bargain."

They go under the bridge, and the act is performed.

They both light up a cigarette and start chatting.

"Well," says the man who performed the deed, "Did you really think I was going to jump???"

With that, the evil image tells the man, "Did you really think I was the devil?"
_________________

A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral
sex on his old lady. The woman at the front desk gave him a key
and told him to go to room 319. He went in and there he saw his
lady of the evening.

He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and
told him to get down to it.

He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty
good at it. But something strange happened. About five minutes
into the deed he felt something in his mouth. He stealthily spit
it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it was a piece of
carrot.

"Oh man, that's fuckin nasty!" he thought, but he said nothing
and continued.

Five minutes later he came up with a pea.

"Christ! I can't take this much more. There's something wrong
with this bitch." But again he said nothing and gave it one more
shot.

This time it was a piece of chicken. He could stand it no
longer.

"Fuck! I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!"

"That's funny," the hooker said, "That's what the last guy did."

 

[melody]

PLEASE HIRE ME

Do you know of anyone hiring? Rosalie is in search of a job, can ya help a
sista out or give her suggestions on her resume.

Thanks
_____________________________________________________ PLEAS

Resume of: Rosalie Anastasia Shanekia "Pookie" Eucalyptus Jones

ADDRESS: 2036 South Side Skreet, Compton, CA 11122

PHONE: Cut off right now but will be back on by the 15th

OBJECTIVE: To one day fulfill my dream of being a Soul Train dancer and you
know just gitting my life togetha and stuff.

I also hope to one day be the best cosmotologecalist you know what I mean
(Beauty Speciacalist) there is in my hood.

SKILLS: I do hurh (hair) and nails in my kitchen and I use my glitter and
weave bonding glue for arts and crafts and stuff. I do braids in any texture
or color: synthetic or real human hurh. Black, blonde, brown, dark brown,
dark black, gold blonde, dark gold blonde, red, maroon, blue and rainbo
colors.

EDUCATION:
***THE "GET YOURS" HOME CORRESPONDENCE COURSE, INC. BIG MAMA'S
***HOUSE OF HAIR N' NAILS N' FRIED CHICKEN N' STUFF (graduated with honors
for the most extensions done in a year's time).

WORK EXPERIENCE:

Big Daddy's Motel Motor Lodge Bar & Grill Pool Hall & Bait N' Tackle Shop
(January 10, 1998 - January 30, 1998) Reason for leaving: Big Daddy kept
hitting on me.

My Baby's Daddy Day Care Center Car Wash & Shoe Repair (Nov. 2,
1998 - Nov. 10, 1998) Reason for Leaving: They tried to work a sistuh to
death and I got thangs ta do!

The Golden Tooth Dental & Jewelry Emporium (Mar. 1, 1998 - Nov. 1,
1998) I loveded this job cause they gaveded me a free tooth every month and
now I can spell my baby daddy name but they done up and fired me cause I let
one of my homeboys sniff that laughing gas. He just smelt it; he don't do
drugs no mo.

Kim Fung Toi's House of Rice & Skrimp & Stuff (you don't even wanna know).

Jimmy's Jheri Curls & Motor Lube (Nov. 6, 1998 - Nov. 7,
1998) Reason for Leaving: (Hospitalized for spine injury when I slipped on
an overflow over activator).

The Ike Turner Hoe Slap Recovery Center (They have lovely accommodations;
yes, I worked there and was a patient too) Reason for Leaving: Center
closed down cause Tina Turner done refused Ike's request to give us a benefit
concert and donate the money to Ike. Ike say Tina done got beside hurself
since she a big star.
He say he remember when she was Anna Mae Bullock from Nut Bush, Tennessee.

References: Lawanda Jenkins (from up the skreet)
Hezakiah Clevestus "the playa" Jones (my mama's sister's brother-in-law
half-brother)

The Right Reverend Aliza Benjamin Ineedadrank O'Grady (Pastor of The Greater
Mt. Carmel Church of God in Christ Kingdom Hall of Our Lady of Saints Holy
Rosary Latter Day Seventh Advent Saints Episcapaleen Sanctified
Non-Denominational Baptist Church, Inc. (a not-for-profit agency).

Note: All time periods unaccounted for above when I wasn't working are "none
of yo' business but I was not on no welfare cause I done always worked at
something nother."

Resume by The Professional Resume People, Inc. of South Central

7777777777777777777

HEAD HOG

One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head
hog at the trough?"

The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry, who?"

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as
'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head
hog at the trough'!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the
building fund...."

To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat pig
just walked in!"

 

[melody]

The Great Things Mom Taught Me!

What Mom Taught Me

This fun page is for all of the mothers of the world who lovingly try to teach their kids some of life's most important lessons.

In the end, little brats just end up growing into bigger brats without learning a thing, but hey, at least mothers try their best to teach them something along the way! Thanks, and enjoy the jokes!

My Mother Taught Me About...


1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...

"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...

"You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And last but not least...

12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"

 

[melody]

Top 15 Rejected Mother's Day Cards

15. I love you when you're happy.
I love you when you're sad.
I love you though you told me,
The milkman is my dad.

14. Roses are red, my childhood was blue.
Get out of my basement -- Your rent is past due.

13. The cards in the store
Were just too full of sex,
But I thought, "What the hell."
Love, Oedipus Rex

12. There once was a woman named Mother,
Who always did favor my brother.
But now that he's dead,
Mother senses with dread
That *her* nursing home's worse than the others.

11. You stood up to my father's kin,
their many threats of extortion.
Thanks for having me, Mother Dear,
instead of an abortion.

10. Dear Mom, in your Mother's Day card,
Is a question that you may find hard:
If Dad went astray,
If he left, as you say,
Who's that buried in the back yard?

9. Mom you're so great, Mom you're so cool.
Please don't send me, to an Arkansas school.

8. I know my Mom's a test tube.
I'm a sheep, not an ignorant rube.
No real Mom could be better,
She'd just wind up a sweater,
Adorning some debutante's boobs.

7. When I was born, you became a mom,
and gave me lots of joy and lovin'.
But now, I need to come back home --
I've got my *own* bun in the oven.

6. For my (almost) Fifth Stepmother:
Congrats to you, my almost-Mom,
You've nearly won the war...
Unlike all the other tramps
Dad picks up in the bar!

5. I'm going to Denmark, Mother, Dear,
For some changes of which you'll learn.
You always wanted a little girl --
Well, you'll have one when I return.

4. Your girlish figure disappears,
With each bite that you chew.
You now look worse in lingerie,
Than dear old Uncle Lou.

3. You've lovingly looked after me
Since I was just a baby,
So now I don't resent the fact
That both my moms are ladies.

2. I think of you, dear Mother,
as I'm in my cell, alone,
And miss the way you always made
our crack house a crack home.

1. You probably won't even listen,
You may still think, "How *could* he?"
But no card's as heartfelt as this 'un.
Best wishes, Soon-Yi and Woody

 

[melody]

Bee In My Pussy

One day a man and a woman were having sex and a bee flew up the woman's pussy.

The man took the woman to the hospital.

The doctor said he was going to put some honey on the tip of his penis and lure the bee out.

The doctor begins to lure the bee out, and soon realizes it's not working, so he begins thrusting his penis into this woman.

The man appears shocked and says "Doctor, what the hell do you think your doing".

The doctor replies "I couldn't lure it out, so I'm going to drown the bastard"

&&&

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married
very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.

So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this
is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts.

The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's
cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little
this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good
luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her
husband is.

"He's dead," she replies.

"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"

The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking
his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

 

[melody]

Johnny Fuckauer

It was the first day of school, and the elementary
school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd
take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.
While taking the roll, she was told by one boy,
"My name is Johnny Fuckhauer".
So she said "There'll be none of that kind of thing
this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!".
The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer.
You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my
brother if you don't believe me!"
Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the
teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth
grade classroom door.
The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to
the front office for a moment, so she entered the room
and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer
in here?"
"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row,
"We don't even get a cookie break!"
--------
Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me
father for I have sinned."

"What have you done Tommy O'Connor?"

"I had sex with a girl."

"Who was it, Tommy?"

"I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin."

"Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?"

"No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot
tell you who it was."

"Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No father, please
forgive me for my sin."

"Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe."

"No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it
was."

"Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and
you will be abolished of your sin."

So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph
was waiting.

"What did ya get?" asked Joseph.

"Well I got 5 hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."

 

[melody]

"Gladys!" Bill yelled from his bed. "I'm real crook. Give the vet
a call, will ya."
"The vet?" Gladys asked. "You mean a doctor, don't you?"
"Nah," Bill said. "I want a vet. I work like a horse, I live like
a pig and I have to sleep with a stupid cow."

=====

Singa song of syphilis,a fanny fulla crabs

Four and twenty blackheads, twice as many scabs

When the scabs pop open, heads began to sing

Wasn't that a dirty cunt, to stick your penis in.

=====

One day Little Johnny walked in on his parents doing it and asked what
they were doing.

His parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. So Little
Johnny left it at that.

A few nights later Little Johnny walks in on them again, and this time
he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?"

The parents both reply "yes"

Little Johnny remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on
your mouth."

=====

Q. What do vampires use as snack crackers?
A. Scabs.
Q. Why do women enjoy giving blow jobs?
A. They know it's about the only time that they can get anything
straight in their heads.

Q. Why do men fart louder than woman?
A. Woman can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure.

=====

John sat glumly all evening eyeing his wife suspiciously.

Finally, he blurted, "Linda, admit it. You've been sucking off the dog!"

"What?!" she shouted. "How can you say such a thing?"

"I've been watching you two, John answered, every time you yawn, he gets a hard-on!"

 

[melody]

A couple on their honeymoon woke up after their big night.
The bride rolled over and said, "That was nice but tell me, what did my pussy
look like before you rooted it?"
The husband replied "Like a beautiful rose with drops of dew on it."
"That's nice honey" she replied, "What did it look like after you rooted it?"
"Like a bulldog eating porridge" the husband replied.

.....

Horny Jeff from the land of Brazil
encountered a lone sheep on a hill
he tried and he tried
to spread it's ass wide
but the wooly fucker wouldn't hold still

.....

Q: Did you hear about Clairol's new slogan?
A: Buy a blonde batch and get the snatch to match.

Q: Why did the blonde always take two hits of LSD?
A: Because she wanted to be sure it was a round trip.

Q: If a woman comes into the living room to yell at
her husband, what has he obviously done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: Why did the blonde always blow her boyfriend after having sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it, too.

.....

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!

What's the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don't get grass-stained.

 

[melody]

A SOLDIER'S LETTER

A SOLDIER RECEIVED A LETTER FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND, BUT HE COULDN'T SHOW
IT TO HIS FRIENDS, BECAUSE SHE SIGNED IT "MOTHER," AND THIS IS WHAT SHE
WROTE:

M- IS FOR THE MANY TIMES WE DID IT.
O- IS FOR THE OTHER TIMES WE TRIED.
T- IS FOR THE TERRIFIC TIMES WE HAVE.
H- IS FOR THE HOTEL WE WENT TO.
E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY WE WENT.
R- IS FOR THE RHYTHM WE HAD.

THAT SPELLS "MOTHER" -- WHAT I'M GOING TO BE IN 9 MONTHS.

HE WROTE BACK AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID:
F- IS FOR THE FUCKED UP LETTER YOU SENT ME.
A- IS FOR THE ASS YOU ARE.
T- IS FOR THE TROUBLE YOUR IN.
H- IS FOR THE HOE YOU REALLY ARE.
E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY YOU GAVE IT UP.
R- IS FOR THE ROMANCE WE NEVER HAD.

AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M THE FATHER

THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF THE BABY:
B- IS FOR THE BABY WITHOUT A FATHER.
A- IS FOR THE ABORTION YOU BETTER GET.
B- IS FOR THE BASTARD HE OR SHE WILL BE.
Y- IS FOR THE "YES" WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID "NO."

SHE REALIZED THAT SHE FORGOT A FEW THINGS IN THE FIRST LETTER
SO SHE WROTE THE DICKLESS WONDER BACK AND THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID:
B- IS FOR THE BEEF YOU HAD WITH ME.
E- IS FOR THE EATING YOU DID.
S- IS FOR THE GOOD PUSSY YOU SUCKED.
T- IS FOR THE TIMES I GOT YOU HARD.
F- IS FOR THE FUNNY MADE DICK YOU HAVE.
R- IS THE RASH ON YOUR ASS.
I- IS FOR THE INTERCOURSE THAT WAS BORING.
E- IS FOR THE ENERGY FOR YOU TO CUM.
N- IS FOR THE NASTY ASS DOG YOU ARE.
D- IS FOR THE DAD YOUR GOING TO BE.

AND THAT SPELLS "BESTFRIEND" -- WHO I WAS FUKIN' WHILE YOU WERE AWAY.

==================

Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

 

[melody]

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
(Long, but some interesting funnies)


1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to the other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open; then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then say, "I got new under-roos on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back saying, "Ohhhh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Meow occasionally.
20. Bet the other passengers that you can fit a quarter in your nose.
21. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say, "Ooops, too late."
22. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
23. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
24. Holler "Chutes away?" whenever the elevator descends.
25. Walk in with a cooler that reads "Human Head" on the side.
26. Stare at another passenger for a while, then say, "You're one of THEM!!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
27. Burp, and then say, "Mmmmmm...tasty!"
28. Leave a box between the doors.
29. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
30. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
31. Start a sing-along.
32. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
33. Play the harmonica.
34. Shadow box.
35. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
36. Lean against the button panel.
37. Say, "I wonder what all these buttons do?" and push the red buttons.
38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
39. Draw a little square on the floor with a chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
40. Bring a chair along.
41. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
42. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body!"
43. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
44. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
45. Wear "X-Ray Specs." and leer suggestively at the other passengers.
46. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
47. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
48. Start eating a sandwich and offer to share it with the rest of the passengers.
49. Start eating a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich and offer to show the passengers what the sandwich looks like in your mouth.
50. Hum the "Blue Daniel" and do arm pit farts for each of the crescendos.
51. Start hacking and coughing in a crowded elevator and say, "Damn this flu virus."
52. Let out a loud and robust fart and blame it on the passenger next to you.
53. Let out a silent fart and say, "Ok folks...everyone take a deep breath!"
54. Jump up and down in a crowded elevator to see if it meets the minimum safety standards.
55. Play with the alarm button during your ride.
56. Play footies with the passenger next to you in a crowded elevator.
57. Pick up the emergency elevator phone and make heavy breathing sounds into it.
58. Act like you dropped your contact lens and tell everyone in the elevator not to move while you look for it.
59. Put your face really close to the elevator doors and chant "open, open, open" during your ride.
60. On a long elevator ride, let out a huge fart and say, "Darn it, I knew those pink stuffs wouldn't hold off my diarrhea."
61. Start a human wave.
62. Turn to your neighbor, preferably a woman, and say, "Do you ever get that un fresh feeling?"
63. Go through your backpack yelling, "Where's my pet rat?"
64. Mimic the sounds of the elevator.

 

[melody]

A Blind Man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands
him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu.
Just
bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order
from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish
pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table
and
hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a
deep breath. "Ahh, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed
potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards
the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her
what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings
him a menu again. "Sir, remember ? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I
didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again
retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another
deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the
macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in
disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him
and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going
to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Amy, rub this fork on your
panties before I take it to the blind man." Amy complies and hands her
husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the
owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered
you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the
fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says,

"Hey! I didn't know that Amy worked here!"

&&&

What's 10 inches long, 2 inches thick, and starts with a P?
A really good crap.

What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the ass & say, "You're next!"
Q: What's the best way to give your dog a bone?
A: Tickle his balls!