JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

An old guy went to his doctor and said, "I have this toilet problem doc."
"Well," replied the doc, "How's your urination?"
"Every morning at 7am - like a baby!" said the old man.
"Good," replied the doc, "How about your bowel movements?"
"8am every morning - like clockwork!" answered the old guy.
"So what's the problem then?" asked the doc.
"Well," replied the old man, "I don't get up till 9am!"

...

The Father's Car
A teenage girl in Alabama approaches her father in hopes that she
can use the car. She ask her father for permission to use the car. Her father replies you can but you know what you have to do. So the girl unzips his pants and pulls out his penis and says that it is covered in shit. Her father then remembers that her brother has the car tonight

...

Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A: A dictater.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pickle and a deer?
A: A dildo.

Q: Why is Popeye's Johnson so soft and smooth?
A: He keeps it in Olive Oil.

Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: "See you next month"

 

[melody]

Raunchy Miscellaneous

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to
use the big toilet like his daddy.

He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the
rim.

Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets
out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the
room clutching his genitals and howling.

He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and
sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."

Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's
shit with me!"

88888

SEX IS LIKE A KFC YOU START WITH THE BREAST, WORK YOUR WAY DOWN THE THIGH AND ALL YOUR LEFT WITH IS A GREASY BOX TO PUT YOUR BONE IN

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: How much skin does it take to cover a pussy?
A: (Stick out your tongue.)

Q: What is a truly good friend?
A: One who goes to town, gets two blowjobs, then comes back and give you one.

Q: How do you know who gives good blowjobs?
A: Word of mouth.

Q: What is better than honor?
A: In 'er!

88888

"Suzy! The man next to me is jerking off!" hissed the blonde
to her likewise girlfriend, sitting on her other side.
"Just ignore him," her friend advised.
"I can't! He's using my hand!"


A blonde goes into a bar and orders a beer.
"Anheuser-Busch?" asks the bartender.
"Fine, thanks. And how's your cock?"

88888

When Ernie came home with the news that he'd gotten laid for
the first time, his mother was less than pleased.

Slapping him across the face, she sent him off to his room
without any supper.

When Ernie's father got home and heard the news, he went up
to see his son.

"Well, my boy," he admonished, secretly pleased, "I hope you
learned something from this experience."

"You bet I did," admitted his son.
"Next time I use Vaseline ... my ass is killing me!"

 

[melody]

Ear Problems

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the
desk, the receptionist asked, "Sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he informed her.
The receptionist
indignantly responded, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and
say something like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and
I told you," he retorted.
"Because" replied the receptionist.
"You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You
should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something
and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't
piss out of it," the man replied.

66666

A woman calls the local radio station to request an old song.
Unfortunately, she calls the number and gets a plumber by mistake.

"Hello?" she asks. "Do you have 'Hot Lips on a Moonlit Night'?"

He replies, "No, but I have hot nuts and an eight inch pipe."

She asks, "Is that a record?"

The man replied "Heck no but that's better than average."

66666

There Was A Young Nun From Peru
Whom The Bishop Wanted To Screw,
But She Said 'The Vicar
Is Quicker And Slicker,
And Three Inches Longer Than You.'

 

[melody]

"I Can't Speak"

Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and places a note on the table
in front of the Doctor. The note says, " I can't speak, please help
me! "

The Doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, " Put your penis on
the table here. "

Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a famous specialist,
so he does what the Doctor told him.

The Doctor takes a big rubber mallet and hits Morris's penis as hard
as he can. The man cries in great agony...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
...and the Doctor says, " Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B."

@@@

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A crack in the ceiling.

Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?

Can you use indefinitely in a sentence?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass,
you're in...definitely!

Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
To avoid the draft.

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two
hours?
Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is humping her.

A guy goes to visit a newly divorced friend. He says, "Why is
there a tampon on top of your TV?"
His friend says, "It's there to remind me of the cunt who took
my VCR."

Q. What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
A. Crabs on your organ.

Q. How do you make a hormone?
A. Don't pay her.

Q. What is organic dental floss?
A. Pubic hair.

Q. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A. Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)

 

[melody]

Shagging His Best Friends Wife

One day while at his best friend, Jim's house, Norris decides that he
desperately needed a shag.

Jim,I know I can ask you this because we are such good mates and all.
I need a shag, can I shag your wife "please?", said Norris.

Jim thinks about it for a while and finally says, "Because we are such
good friends, Norris, yes you can. But be warned, do NOT go down on her.
Understand?".

Norris nods and heads upstairs to where Jim's wife is tucked up in
bed. He quickly went to work, but he was over come with an incredible sudden
urge to go down on her. But he remembered what Jim had said and restrained
himself.

After finishing he went downstairs and watched a little more TV. An
hour or so later, Norris said.

"Jim? Can I shag her again please?. To which Jim replied "OK, but
remember,don't go down on her!!!".

Norris happily bounded up the stairs and into the bedroom pounced on
Jim's wife and was about to start shagging her when he decided he HAD to go
down on her, he couldn't help himself.

Meanwhile, Jim sat happily watching the TV heard Norris being sick
upstairs followed by him running down the stairs looking decidedly ill.

"What's wrong Norris?".

"I'm sorry Jim, I know you told me not to, but I couldn't help
myself..."

"You went down on her didn't you Norris!!!!" said Jim looking
horrified. "I got a mouth full of rice!!!" said Norris disgusted!

"That wasn't rice Norris, she's been dead three weeks!!"

@@@

Two morticians are sitting around at the end of the day:
"Did you see that cute redhead they brought in yesterday?"
"Yeah, she was really something!"
"Did you see the clit on that girl?"
"Yeah, it was like a pickle!"
"Well, it wasn't that big . . ."
"No, but it was that sour!"

 

[melody]

Special Of The Day

A man enters a coffee shop and sits down. The sign on the counter says the special of the day is chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the chili."
"I'm sorry," says the waitress, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." says the waitress.
So the man just orders some coffee. But after a while, he notices that the guy next to him is finishing his meal and the bowl of chili is still full.
"Excuse me," he says to the man, "But are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No."
"Would you sell it to me?"
"You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he comes across a dead mouse in the bowl. Immediately, he pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other man looks over sympathetically and says: "That's about as far as I got, too."

@@@

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
If Liberace ate pussy
He'd still be with us

Q: What do your mother and a door knob have in common?
A: Everyone gets a turn.

Q. What do red neck girls and bears have in common?
A. They both lick their paws.

Q: Why do lesbians have red noses?
A: Carpet burn.

Q: What do you call a Lesbian with 7" Fingers?
A: WELL HUNG!

Q: What's the definition of confusion?
A: Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market!

Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.

Q: What is the difference between Love, True Love and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow and gargle.

Q: How do you give a woman freedom of speech?
A: Take your dick out of her mouth.

Q: What's the difference between a pussy & a cunt?
A: A pussy is a sweet, juicy, succulent, warm, fun and useful thing.
…A cunt is the thing that owns it.

Q: What do a fur trapper and a necrophiliac have in common?
A: They are both looking for dead beaver!

Q: Why does the crack of your arse go up and down instead of across?
A: So when your sliding downhill, you don’t mumble.

Q: What's invisible and smells like dog food?
A: Old people's farts.

Q: How do you make love to a really really really ugly woman and make it the best sex you have ever or will ever have???
A: Jackoff in your hand and throw it at her.

 

[melody]

A Male's Life Story:

I've learned that sometimes my ding-ding gets hard and stands up.
Age 6

I've learned that pissing in your sister's shoes gets you belted over
the ear from your dad.
Age 9

I've learned that weak kids get beaten unmercifully at school.
Age 12

I've learnt that getting your hands down a girl's pants makes you a legend at school.
Age 13

I've learnt that girls use their teeth when they suck your dick sometimes.
Age 15

I've learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 17

I've learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 21

I've learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 24

I've learnt that getting laid now involves me also being extremely rich.
Age 28

I've learnt that everyone in the world except for me, my three best
friends and my immediate family are fucked.
Age 31

I've learnt that women are money-grabbing cunts, and that you should only fuck 18 year olds.
Age 35

I've learnt that drugs are a totally acceptable way to cope with reality.
Age 37

I've learnt that fucking 20 year old girls whilst punching them in the back of the head and at the same time drinking
a bottle of 1961 Chateau
Margeaux is about the most pleasurable thing in the world.
Age 40

I've learnt that it doesn't matter how old and fat you are, and how much
you fart, drink, and sweat, young girls will still tell you that you are
sexy if you have a shit load of cash.
Age 45

I've learnt that not having kids was the best fucking move ever.
Age 47

I've learnt that I have a disdain for other people that rivals the universe in size.
Age 52

I've learnt that old people shit me, and that young people piss me off,
and that my friends never shut up about their fucking kids, when all I
want to do is fuck a little totty and get drunk.
Age 57

I've learnt that modern medicine can cure all my ailments,
so I drink and abuse my body as hard as I can, and trust myself to my physician.
Age 62

I've learnt that liver, lung and heart transplants aren't so bad.
Age 67

I've learnt that I didn't fuck enough girls in my life, despite the fact
I fucked ten times as many as all my lame friends combined. Age 71

I've learned that Viagra remakes the man, and that money is the sexiest
aspect to any man.
Age 74

I've learned that Anna Nicole-Smith is not the only double
D breasted blonde who will repulse herself with a smile on her face and fuck a fat
old guy when he has been unzipped down the front to replace all his
major organs and now resides in a wheelchair in order to get a shot at the inheritance.
Age 81

I've learned that pissing yourself in front of young people is kind of
enjoyable, and that when you are in your mid-80's you can say the most
hateful, hurtful, and needlessly mean things with impunity. Age 85

I've learned that I didn't do enough women, didn't snort enough coke,
and didn't drink enough good red wine, because I am still fucking alive.
Age 92

 

[melody]

Something To Offend Everyone

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
" Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you .

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
" Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides!

 

[melody]

Who is Jack Schitt?
( I love this joke)

The Lineage Revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone
says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle
the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe
Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the
owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply
religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The
twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva
Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced.
Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous
name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a
cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva
Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and
consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the
world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa
Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you
can correct them.

&&&

This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour
day and collapses in bed.

He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says,
"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful,
sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"

He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"

 

[melody]

Naughty Funnies

She said "Give me eight inches and make me bleed!"
So I fucked her four times with my two inch dick and punched her in the nose.
She said, "Give me eight inches and make me moan!"
So I fucked her four times with my two inch dick and kicked her in the guts.
She said, "Give me eight inches and make my head explode!"
So I fucked her four times with my two inch dick and blew her fucking
head off with my shotgun!
She didn't ask me for sex after that, but it's allot better, thanks.

=======================================

EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra
large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone
does?"

=======================================

FOR MY PEOPLE

Four men-an East Indian, a Jamaican, a Native American, and a white
man-gathered at the top of a 30-story building.

The East Indian said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.

The Jamaican said, "This is for my people," and jumped off.

The Native American said, "This is for my people," and pushed the white man
off.

====================================

In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming together.
On the first night Jill turns to her friend, puts her hand on her shoulder, and says,
"There's something I've been meaning to tell you about myself. I'll be frank,
I'm a lesbian."
"That's OK," says the other girl. "I'll be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian too."

 

[melody]

A QUIZ FOR WOMEN

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to
love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not confused
emotionally as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is
that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however,
he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you.
Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or
embarrassed. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural
desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf.
Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar
for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few
personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone
you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or
perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when
he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay" ?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly
energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do
after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a
sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep
while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male
penis measures about six centimeters. Anything longer than that is extremely
rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is seven centimeters or
over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do
everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his
apartment and buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Q: Are you sure?
A: Will you stop asking so many questions? Do you distrust men or something?
Instead, prove how much you care for your boyfriend by going out and buying
him an expensive gift.

 

[melody]

Animal Jokes

A worried voice on the doctors telephone declared, "A mouse has run up my wife's pussy, doctor!"
The doctor replied "I'll be over in 10 minutes. In the meantime try waving a piece of cheese between her legs."
When the doctor arrived at the house, he goes up to the bedroom and finds a frantic woman, legs spread wide open, her husband waving a can of tuna fish over her pussy hole. The doctor cried, "Idiot, I said to use cheese!"
The man retorted,"I know that, you fool........but I have to get the cat out first!"

+++++

One day in the forest a rabbit and a bear were talking when the rabbit said, "Gosh, I feel like taking a shit!"
"Me too," said the bear, "Do you have any problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
"No." replied the rabbit.
"Good!" replied the bear. So he picked up the rabbit and wiped his arse with him!

+++++

What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish it will die!

What do you call skunks having oral sex?
Odor eaters!

What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep!

What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky!

What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
"You know, we do taste like chicken!"

+++++

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods one day, on her way to grandmas house, when suddenly the big bad wolf jumped out from behind a wall. "Ah-ha," said the wolf, "Now I've got you and I'm gonna eat you!"
"Eat, Eat, Eat," said Little Red Riding Hood, "Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"

+++++

A woman complained to her vet that her mongrel dog would start to fuck her every time he came into the house.
"Is there anything you can do?" she asked.
"Well," The vet said, "We could cut his balls off to cut his sex drive down."
"Oh no," the woman replied, "that seems a bit rough. Couldn't you just clip his nails and do something about his bad breath?"

 

[melody]

"I'm Sick"!

The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him.

Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office.

"What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."

Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long."

"Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"

Man says, "I *told* you I was sick."

==========

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

 

[melody]

http://img641.imageshack.us/img641/5213/stpatrick022225069.gif

Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"


Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"

* * * *


McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

*****


Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"

* * * *

An Irish drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. Puzzled at the non-Catholic service, he proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back, ever the open-minded fellow, and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

* * * *

A drunken Irishman gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later, another loud scream reverberates throughout the bar. The bartender goes to the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there"? "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I flush something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says....."You idiot--You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

[melody]

"Penis Requests A RAISE"

Dear Management,

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Sincerely,
Penis

______

bbbbb

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

***

A cat and a rooster are walking on a bridge. The cat falls in the water and the rooster starts laughing. What's the moral of the story? Where there is a wet pussy there's a happy cock.

What the hell did you think I was talking bout!!!!!!!

 

[melody]

DEFINITIONS

Hormone ... The sounds a prostitute makes so you will think that
you are a real good lay.

Seersucker ... A person who blows clairvoyants.

Trampoline ... A sexual lubricant popular with sluts.

Douche ... A female duke.

Nymphomaniac ... A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex
more often than he does.

Arkansas Relative Humidity ... That's the sweat dripping off your
cousin's balls as he screws you

.....

Q. What's the worst thing about growing unemployment?
A. It gets harder to fuck your girlfriend with her husband home.
Q. What's the difference between revenge and sweet revenge?
A. Rooting your enemy's wife and finding out she's a lousy lay.

.....

A little girl asks her father, "where do little girls come from?"
The father says, "they come from a hard-on."
The little girl then asks her father, "where does a hard-on come from?"
The father says, "little girls!"

.....

This guy was on a hot date, and after well and truly fucking this sweet thing, she turned to the guy and said, "Wasn't it a bit presumptuous to think that I would let you fuck me on the first date?"
To which the bloke responded, "Presumptuous? Now that's a big word for a 7 year old!"

.....

What's the definition of gross?
When you open your refrigerator and your rump-roast farts at you.

Mummy, Mummy, when will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up son, you know that your grandma's cured from her yeast infection!


In days of old, when knights were bold,
And girls were quite particular.
They would put them up against the wall,
And fuck them perpendicular.


THERE was a young man from Cape Horn
who wished he had never been born
He wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn!

 

[melody]

Things Prison Guards Hate !

Inmates who don't flush after eating Chili for lunch.

Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100%
steroids.

Coming up with two too many after a head count.

Having to break up a gang bang in the shower.

Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.

The fact that the inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.

Having a new neighbor move in next door that looks wa-a-a-y to
familiar.

Being on a first name basis with a serial sex killer.

Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.

Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to #93A44274.

&&&

The young lady received her bachelor's degree from Yale and her M.B.A. from Harvard. When she got her first job, her expectations were high, but three years without a promotion nearly destroyed her self confidence. She was about to quit when her father called her in and said, "You can't give up. Business isn't like school - you have to marshall every resource you have to get ahead. Go back to work and play to win."

The woman went back to work, and a week later she got herself transferred to a new division. The results were startling. Three months after she started, she was named to a managerial position. Nine months later, she became a regional manager. And just six months after that, she stopped by her father's house one night and said, "Daddy, guess what. I was in my boss's office today when he told me, "Julie, I have a surprise for you. As of today, you're an assistant vice president."

Her father exclaimed, "That's terrific. I hope you told him how grateful you were."

"I tried to," she said, "But he doesn't like it when I try to talk with his dick in my mouth."

 

[melody]

ROBIN HOOD
(The Untold Story)

You've heard the tale of Robin Hood
And how he did poor people good
There is more to this famous story
of Sherwood Forest's pride and glory

At night when all the robbing was done
The merry men would have some fun
In fact it would be fair to say
The merry men were rather gay

As Little John starts to unwind
Robin takes him from behind
As they frolic in the grass
Robin rams it up his arse

One night when they were all at play
A gorgeous maiden came their way
She sauntered up to Friar Tuck
And said "I'm Marion - wanna fuck?"

Friar could not believe his ears
"She's offering sex to all us queers!"
While he recovered from the shock
Robin presented her with his cock

Marion's clothes were off in a flash
And three merry men all had a bash
For Marion this was sheer bliss
As they filler her every orifice

When all was done she gave a whine
"Thank you boys for a lovely time.
But for your pleasure you must pay
I've got the pox - have a nice day."

"Now listen here" said Friar Tuck
"We really don't give a fuck"
"The laughs on you, you silly cow"
"We're all got AIDS - so who's fucked now!"

~~~~

Q: What do you call two faggots on a waterbed?
A: A fruit float!

Q: Why are faggots always the quickest out of a burning building?
A: Because they've already got their shit packed.

Q: How does a faggot fake an orgasm?
A: He spits on your back.

Q: How do faggots dispose of their condoms?
A: By Farting.

Q: What do you call a fag that doesn't have aids?
A: A lucky cocksucker.

Q: What did the poof do when he missed his boyfriend?
A: He shit in his hand and had a wank.

Q: Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A: "Leave it, it's Beaver."

Q: Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A: He found a hare up his ass.

~~~~

Two faggots are in a hot tub pushing a big turd back and forth in the
water. Another fag walks by and asks, "What the hell are you two doing?"
"We are teaching our baby to swim!"

~~~~

Two faggots are living together. Bruce goes out to work while Cyril
stays at home everyday to do the housework.

One day Bruce comes home and finds Cyril with his bum in the fridge.

"What are you doing Cyril?" he asks, to which Cyril replies, "Oh Bruce, I thought you might like something nice and cool to slip into when you came home."

 

[melody]

Terms For Female Masturbation

5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket

*********

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no fucking eye deer.

 

[melody]

Funny Potpouri

One morning, as his wife was preparing breakfast, Bob walked up behind her, pinched her butt, and said, "You know if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle". She replied with a mean look. The next morning, Bob woke her up with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra". At this, she reached down, grabbed his penis, and said, "You know if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother".

====================

A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who was
carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass"!

====================

A woman walked up to the bar and ordered a Guinness. As soon as she
had taken her first sip of the heavenly nectar she was distressed to see a
drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.
"Say, honey-baby...I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours."
Looking nonchalantly over her shoulder at him, she replied,
"Thanks, but I've already got an ass-hole in there."

====================

There was an old Irish mick
whose cum was exceedingly thick
He could squeeze it out
And spray it about
But it stuck to the end of his dick.

There once was a whore on the dock
From dusk until dawn she sucked cock
'Til one day it's said
She gave so much head
She exploded and whitewashed the block