JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Answering Service At The Mental Institution

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until
someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number,
date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or
before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too
busy to talk to you."


There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish
Men savored her lips
Then brought bags of chips
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish

22222

Tina lay there spread eagle in bed,
Her eyes were rolled back in her head.
Not a sign of resentment,
Only total contentment,
Not screwed, she's been eaten instead.

22222

There once was a man from Peru
who fell asleep in a canoe
while dreaming of Venus
he played with his penis
and woke up all covered with goo

 

[melody]

Naughty Miscellaneous

"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have
every flavor ice cream in the world? O.K., I would like three
scoops of pussy flavored ice cream, please."

"No problem, sir."

The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone
and the man takes a good lick. Grimacing, he says, "This
doesn't taste like pussy, it tastes like shit!"

The assistant replies, "Of course it tastes like shit when you
take such long licks!"
_____

Man's Three Rules Of Getting Old?

1. Never pass a bathroom
2. Don't waste a hard-on
3. Never trust a fart
_______

Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.
_______

Why do men snore?
When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he or she finishes college.

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
So what's your question?
_______

This guy goes into a whore house and gives the lady at the front desk $500 and tells her that he wants a woman that can handle him.

She replies, go down the hall and its the second door on the right.

He does and just as they get started she starts screaming from the pain. He then marches back to the front desk and tell the woman that he said he wanted a woman that could handle him.

She says, ok go down the hall and its the third door on the left.

He does and once again the woman starts screaming just as they get started. Then he goes back to the front desk and she says I know I know you want a women that can handle you.

She says, ok ok this time go all the way down the hall and down the stairs, there won't be any lights so just feel around til you hit something wet and stick it in.

He does this and just as they get started nothing happens there isn't any screaming. Well he thinks, finally, this could work.

As he gets into it he shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby".

She replies "MOOOOOO"!

 

[melody]

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully
chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place.

"You can't make any noise," she warns him.
"My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!"

Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a
while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder.

"I have to go," he says.

"Well you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom,"
she replies. "Use the kitchen sink".

So he dutifully retires to the kitchen. A few minutes
later, he pops his head round the door and asks,

"Do you have any paper?"

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has a particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."

The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"

"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week.... from my dog's vet."

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and caught him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom.

Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied...

"What ya gonna do, f#ck him?"

 

[melody]

At The Pearly gates

A greyhound carrying only women crashed into the side of a mountain, and
everyone inside died. They met their maker at the pearly gates, and
because women are the down-trodden of society, He decided to grant them
one wish each and return them to Earth for 24 hours. They all lined up,
and God asked the first one what her wish was.

"I want to be a man," the first woman answered.

God snapped His fingers, and it was done.

The second one in line heard this and said "Then I want to be a man,
too."

Another snap of His fingers and she became a man.

This goes on down the line, snapping fingers and creating men. When God
got halfway down the line, the last women in line started laughing.

Finally, God reached this woman and asked her what her wish was be.

The feminist laughed and said, "Make 'em all fuckin' fags!"

_______


There once was a man named Ray
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
But the heat of his prick
Turned the clay into brick
And tore all his foreskin away
_____

One day, Johnny's teacher asked the class, "Children, who can answer
this question, please raise your hand!"

"Mention things you can suck!"

"Ice cream, mam!" Little Jane answered.

"Good, Jane." the teacher said, "Anyone else?"

"It's a lollipop!", said Little Steven.

"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!" the teacher said.

Johnny, the kid sitting at back then answered, "I think it's a lamp!"

The teacher and all of the students wondered about Johnny's answer.
Then the teacher asked him, "Johnny, what makes you say lamp?"

"Well, last night when I passed my parents' bedroom", Johnny said, "I
heard my mom said, please turn off the lamp, honey...and let me suck
it.."

 

[melody]

Get Off The Bus

Little Johnny is riding his tricycle around the living room and stops at
the kitchen door. He states, "Everyone who wants to get off the bus, get
the fuck off; everyone who wants to get on, get the fuck on."

His mother, who is in the kitchen, yells "Young man watch your
language."

Little Johnny rides around the living room. Again he stops and says,
"everyone who wants to get off, get the fuck off; everyone who wants to
get on, get the fuck on."

His mother yells, "Johnny I'm not gonna tell you again."

He quickly rides around the living room again. He stops and says,
"Everyone who wants to get off the bus, get the fuck off; and everyone
who wants to get on, get the fuck on."

His mother quickly and firmly states, "That's it, go to your room till I
call for you."

Little Johnny does as he is told. Two hours later his mother realizes
that Little Johnny is still in his room. She tells him he can come out.
He comes out of his room, gets on his tricycle and rides around the
living room.

When he stops he says "Everyone who wants to get of the bus, get the
fuck off; everyone who wants to get on, get the fuck on. If anyone has
a problem with the two hour delay, well, go see the fucking BITCH in the
kitchen."

*~^~*~^~*

Two fags named Richard and Scott were living together. It was stinking
hot one day and Richard arrived home to find Scott with his ass in the
freezer, "Scott! What the hell are you doing with your ass in the
freezer?"

Scott crooned, "It was tho hot out-thide I thought you'd like thomething
cool to thlip into!"

*~^~*~^~*

A soldier known only as Sarge
Had sex with a hooker named Marge
Though only a grunt
He assaulted her cunt
And gave her a hon'rable discharge.

On the banks of the Thames stood lord Buckingham
Dreaming of tits and of sucking them
While watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks who were fuckin' 'em

 

[melody]

Shaved

I shaved my little pussy,
So the little thing is bare
I thought it should be just like my head
And have a lot less hair

Oh yes, my pussy's hairless
It feels as smooth as silk
And when I get excited
It spurts this stuff like milk.

It feels so good to touch it
I wish that you could see
And take my hairless pussy
Then dive inside of me.

Take my clit between your teeth
And nibble on it please
I'm even willing to help you
By straddling you on my knees

I'd place my hairless pussy
Right atop your lips
And as you start to lick it
I would surely move my hips!!!

I know you like the thought of this,
My hairless little twat
I know it might sound slutty,
But surely that I'm not.

I'm just a full grown woman
Who has some normal needs
My smoothly shaven pussy
Has lots of them indeed!!!

It needs some loving licking
And some biting on my clit
I don't even think it'd mind
If you were to fuck it a bit

There are no little curly ones
Left for you to find
Cause my little pussy's hairless
From my front to my behind.

So, you could take me either way
In the front door or the back
What a turn on it would be
To feel your luscious sack.

I think that you should do this
My God, it feels so great!!!
To feel yourself so smoothly shaved
Is a trip!!!!You shouldn't wait!!!

Now go and get your razor
And take a little time
To make your pubie hairless
So yours can feel like mine.

Please let me know you've done this
And tell me of every move
Cause just the thought of shaving it
Has me wet in the groove.

I really need some loving
And some animalistic thrusts
I think that if you did this
My cunt would certainly bust.

Then you could spread my juices
Over my smoothly shaven twat
Then the little thing would glisten
My God!!! It's getting HOT!!!!

So, please take my little pussy
And fuck it any way
I really think it needs it
At least 3 times a day!!!!

 

[melody]

The Nun And The Cab Driver

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She
asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but
I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as
old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance and see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
Catholic too!" The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley." He does
and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road,
the cab driver starts crying his eyes out.
"My dear child, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have
sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun
says, "That's o.k., my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween
Party."

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available
urinal, between two elderly men.
He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two
streams.
"What the hell is that?" he asks.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were
able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes"
Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes"
The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see
12 streams!!
"War wound??"
"Naah, my zipper's stuck"

 

[melody]

A Newly Married Couple

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he
says to his new wife: Honey, I'll be right back...
Where are you going coochi cooh...? Asks the wife.
I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.

The wife puts her hands on her
hips and says to him: You want a beer my love...? Then she opens the
door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands
from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc....

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of
saying is: Yes, loolie loolie ... but the bar .... you know ...
the frozen glass. He didn't get to finish saying the sentence,
when the wife interrupts him by saying:

You want a frozen glass puppy
face...? She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen
that the wife was getting the chills from holding it. The husband
looking a bit pale says:
Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hoer's de devours that
are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise.
OK? You want hoer's de devours poochi pooh..? She opens the oven and
takes out 15 dishes of different hoer's de devours ... chicken wings,
pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc...
But sweet honey ... at the bar ... you know ... the swearing, the dirty
words and all that...
You want dirty words cutie pie...?

HERE, DRINK YOUR F***ING BEER IN YOUR F***ING FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR
F***ING SH*T HOER'S DE VOURS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE. YOU
F***ING ASSHOLE!!!...

-------

I woke early one morning.
The earth lay cool and still,
When suddenly, a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely,
So carefree and so gay -
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun.
It seemed his very trilling
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers,
Crept slowly out of bed -
Then gently lowered the window,
And crushed his fuckin' head.
I'm not a morning person.

 

[melody]

Nasty! Nasty!

There once was a man from Peru
who fell asleep in a canoe
while dreaming of Venus
he played with his penis
and woke up all covered with goo

There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish
Men savored her lips
Then brought bags of chips
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish

@@@

One day, while God was looking into the Garden of
Eden, he noticed Eve skinny-dipping in the river....

"Damn!! I'll NEVER be able to get THAT smell out of the fish!!

***

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.

***

What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?
Kids will eat snot.

***

One morning, this gay man woke up from a wonderful
dream,only to hear his partner in the bathroom making
grunting and moaning sounds. The gay man got out of bed, walked
down the hall and opened the bathroom door. The gay
man looked at his partner, masturbating with a condom on.

"What the hell are you doing???" he asked his partner.

The gay man's partner looked up at him sheepishly,
"Oh... I was just packing your lunch!"

@@@

A guy married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick.

For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights!

So the woman said, "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit."

So the man said, "Shut up! It's been seven years and I never asked where those fucking kids came from!"

 

[melody]

Written On Toilet Walls
What's written on the wall
Humor from toilet walls around the world
**
This is a tee pee
for a pee pee.
Not a wig wam
to beat your tom-tom.
**
Why are you staring at the wall.... the joke is in your hand
**
This toilet paper is like John Wayne. Tough as nails and dont take shit off nobody.
**
Here I sit
Broken-hearted
Came to shit
But only farted
**
here I sit all broken hearted
tried to shit but only farted
then one day I took a chance
tried to fart and shit my pants
**
Here I sit I'm at a loss
Trying to shit out taco sauce
I know I'm gonna drop a load
I only hope I don't explode
**
Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but whips and chains excite me,
So... throw me down,
and tie me up and show me that you like me.
**
If you tinkle and you sprinkle,
Be a sweetie wipe the seatie
**
Some come here to sit and think,
some come here to shit and stink,
but I come here to itch my balls,
and read the writing on the walls.

@@@

Amy and the Ladies were discussing her fight with her ex boyfriend.
Amy: And then my ex thought I owed HIM an apology!
Marina: Well, did you give him one?
Amy: Oh, yeah! I said, "I'm sorry you're an asshole!"

**
Q. What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A. Two gays with hemorrhoids.

Q. Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
A. They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

Q. Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
A. It's for the Christmas period.

Q. How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A. The best ones squirt when you eat them.

 

[melody]

Way Cool Q's & A's

Q. How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house?
A. Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the f***er is still trying to back out of your driveway.

Q: What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity?
A: Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.

Q: Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?
A: Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949.

Q. What is the definition of a Yankee?
A. To a gay guy, the same thing as a quickie, only by yourself!

Q: In Kentucky, what do divorces and tornados have in common.
A: Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer.

Q: How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
A: Call her.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: One makes your whole day, the other makes your hole weak.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A: The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What do you call all the useless skin around the vagina?
A: The woman.

Q: What does a redneck say after sex?
A: Thanks Mom.

Q. Why do Avon Lady's walk funny?
A. Their lips stick.

Q: Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
A: They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

Q: Do you know what the best thing is about bonking an Eight-year old girl?
A: Your dick looks so big in the pictures.

Q. Did you hear about the faggot undertaker?
A. He called his mates around to suck on a few cold ones!

Q: What do you call a fag that doesn't have aids?
A: A lucky cocksucker.

Q. How do you re-fit an old whore?
A. Shove a five pound ham up her pussy and pull out the bone.

Q. What should you do if your epileptic grandma is having a seizure in the bathtub?
A. Throw in some Tide and a load of dirty clothes.

Q. What's gross?
A. When you're eating cornflakes, and your brother asks what happened to his scab collection.

 

[melody]

TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOU'RE PULLED OVER

10 Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
9 Wanta race to the station, Sparky?
8 I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
7 On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
6 You'll never get those cuffs on me...You Pussy!
5 Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4 Hey wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
3 How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2 Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
1 I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!

@@@

A guy was spending the night with a married couple in their apartment.
Since they didn't have a couch, they let him share their bed with them.

Once they all went to bed and the husband fell asleep, the wife whispered in
the guy's ear, "Pull a hair from my husband's ass, If he is asleep we can
have sex."

The guy pulled a hair from the husband's ass, and he didn't wake up, so the
guy proceeded to make it with the wife.

Not satisfied, the wife told him to do it a second , then a third time,
which he happily did.

Finally, the husband rolled over and said wearily, "It's bad enough that
you're fucking my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass
as a scoreboard?"

 

[melody]

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I left work early and pointed my car out of town heading up to my cousin's
for her wedding. The actual wedding wasn't for a week but I was taking some
extra time off to help out and relax a little.

My second night there we had a
bachelorette party complete with a stripper. It was fun but what happened
later was much better!

After most of the girls left there were four of us
hanging around finishing the clean up. One of the girls pulled out a deck of
cards and asked if we felt like playing. She showed us they were special
cards ... "Just for women" cards that is.

We all sat in a circle on the floor as Sally shuffled the cards. Since it was
her idea she pulled the first card it said "Dance around make sure everyone
sees your mound." We all laughed as she stood up and took off her jeans and
panties and danced around us making sure we all got a good look at her blonde
shaved pussy. Then she sat back down and passed the deck to Katie.

She drew her card and it said "Reach across don't be shy suck that tit till
time flies by." Oh God she said as she reached across to Sally pulled out her
left tit and began sucking it. We timed her all the cards had 1 minute time
limits. She kept on sucking till we said time then she passed the deck to
Susan.

She choose her card and it said "Make a fist make it tight, now fist the
bitch to your right!" Susan looked over at me and smiled. The other girls
were just watching to see what I would do so I stood up and removed my
clothes. She told me to lay back and relax. I smiled and laid back as she
wasted no time in ramming her fist into my wet pussy.

I was a little
surprised at the force but it felt so good I started to moan. In no time I
was moving my hips and meeting her thrusts as I moaned about how good it felt
the other girls were moving closer fascinated.

Katie said, "Fuck her Susan
make her cum!" I licked my lips and looked at Katie. In a husky voice I
said, "Come here and sit on my face now!"

She stood up stripped and lowered
her dripping snatch onto my face. I began thrusting my tongue in and out of
her wet hole. I noticed Sally had already managed to get Susan's pants and
underwear off and was sucking her pussy like crazy!

I was so turned on and
ready to cum when Susan stopped fisting me and began flicking my swollen clit
with her tongue. She was very good as I felt the approach of a ripping orgasm
begin to roar through me. Katie climaxed at the same time and Susan was not
far behind.

As soon as Susan caught her breath she turned around and started on sally.
Katie and I laid there catching our breath as we watched. Within minutes
Sally was moaning and thrusting her wet pussy into Susan's face begging her
not to stop.

Susan tormented her then finally worked on her clit until she
shook and moaned so loudly with the force of her own orgasm I was surprised
the windows were still intact! We all laid there intertwined in each other
enjoying the aftermath.

I was the first to start getting dressed. I was tired and ready to sleep. I
said goodnight but before I left to go to my room I laughed and suggested
that tomorrow we try to finish the game after all I never did get to choose
my card....

 

[melody]

Mother Nasty - Advice for True Queers

Got a Problem?
Deal With It!!
Or write to Mother Nasty.

Dear Mother Nasty,
I'm a Dyke, and proud of it. I like feeling powerful, and knowing I'm not a man, and will never need a man.
It pisses me off when I see so-called dykes who dress and act like housewives. Don't they realize that their poofed-up hair and flowery dresses are only helping to repress all womyn, and enforce the stereotypes men have created for us?
How do we get the point across to them that they're hurting all womyn by their actions, and need to change?
-- Butch in Berkeley Butch Mobile

Strap Yourself Down Butch Bitch,
I'm sure you've got a truck with a winch on it that will do the job nicely. It's people-hating, stereo-typing assholes like you that have created the climate for "womyn" just as much as the men you hate so much. Just because you don't like dresses, and don't like what goes along with it, doesn't mean that every other female in the world has to share your narrow-minded, shit headed ideas.
Some people are comfortable in dresses. I happen to love my robes. All sorts of things can be kept under here, and all sorts of things left out... Many people are bi, or trannies, or whatever, and your mind-set represses them far more than you've ever been repressed, and they don't have control issues to deal with. Unlike you, it seems.
If you're still stuck in your repressive mind set, I'm sure a butch in some Personals ad who mentions something like "no foofs, femmes or weaklings" is just the type for you. You two can live happily together, knowing that you're superior to every other fucking person on the planet.

@@@

Dear Mother Nasty,
I'm a very butch, straight-acting gay white male with a swimmer's build and a nice job that pays $75k. I tried to make it to the beach every other weekend or so this summer to work on a nice suntan. I think I may have overdone it a little, as my skin is now very tan -- about the color of cappuccino. I noticed late in the summer getting fewer and fewer solicitations for dates and fewer cruisey looks on Fire Island. What do you think the right amount of suntan is to attract the right man?
-- Lost in Long Island

Dear Lost in Limbo,
Try this... stay out in the sun constantly. There is no such thing as "too much sun" for you calvin-klein wearing rich fag Geffen wanna-be's. The browner you get, and the closer to a nice crispy, crunchy death by skin cancer, the better. There is no good use for suntan oil, even as a lube. Water bases only, honey, in case you've been deaf the last 20 years.

 

[melody]

Fencing

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller,
"Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to
buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares
to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to
the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first
hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it out and
sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis
and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in
the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and
begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back
inside where the man is beginning to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate
size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

@@@

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

 

[melody]

Fencing

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller,
"Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to
buy."

"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares
to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to
the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first
hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it out and
sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis
and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in
the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and
begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back
inside where the man is beginning to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate
size?"

"Screw the condoms! Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"

@@@

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

 

[melody]

Whom To Marry (According To Kids)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should
keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.
-- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8 (this one has very good morals)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
out.
-- Theodore, age 8
( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

 

[melody]

Sam And His Harley

This fellow named Sam has been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing 'em. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont - as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...havin' a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."
"Great," Sam says, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.
As Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem...after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn!" Sam thinks, "tough crowd...sounds like the Redwood Run." "Well," he says, "I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties too."
"Now that is not a problem," says Sam, "remember, I've been alone for six months. I'll definitely be there! By the way...what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want...it's just gonna be the two of us."

@#@#@#@

Bob says to his doctor, "I can't sleep, but I can't take pills,
either."

The doctor says, "No problem. Here's a suppository with a sleeping pill
in it."

The next day the doctor calls Bob and says, "Did it work?"

Bob says, "It worked too well. I woke up with my finger in my asshole."

@#@#@#@

He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and said,
"My heart is broken. I saw you with another man yesterday."

"Oh don't be silly!" she replied, "That was just my husband,
you know there's no one but you."

 

[melody]

Country Song Titles

* It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

* If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

* If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

* How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

* I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

* I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

* I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

* I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

* I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

* If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

* My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

* She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

* You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

* She's Looking Better After Every Beer


BlueNecks: Northeners
(opposite of Rednecks)

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUE NECK IF...

Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

You think Heinz Ketchup is REALLY SPICY.

You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road.

You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

You don't know what a moon pie is.

You've never had an RC Cola.

You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.

You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

You have no idea what a polecat is.

You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.

You don't have bangs.

You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes."

You've never eaten and don't know how to make a tomato sandwich.

You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)

You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie)

You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

None of your fur coats are homemade.

 

[melody]

The Tasting Game

One morning at school, the teacher informed the class that they were going
to play a tasting game. She said that they would stand in line and she
would blindfold the first student and give them something to eat and they
had to guess what it was.
She gave the first student a slice of apple and said, "What do you taste?"
"An apple", the student said. "Very good," says the teacher.
She gave the second student a slice of pear and said, "What do you taste?"
"I'm not sure." said the student, so the teacher gave him another slice.
"Now do you know?" asked the teacher. "I think it's a pear" the student
said. "Very good," says the teacher.
The third student came up, was blindfolded and given a Hershey's Kiss.
"What do you taste?" asked the teacher. Now this student saw that by not
knowing, you get more of the same, so she said "I'm not sure." Sure
enough, she got another piece. "I'm still not sure." she said after
eating the second piece. The teacher gave her a third Hershey's Kiss and
said, "Here's a little clue. It's something your mommy gives your daddy
before bed."
From the back of the line little Johnny shouts, "SPIT IT OUT! IT'S A
PIECE OF ASS!!"

00000000

There was a fourth grade boy and a fourth grade girl. The fourth grade boy came by the fourth grade girl's house with a football and teased the girl saying, "Ha Ha! You can't have a football cause your a girl."
The girl goes to her mom crying so her mom buys her a football. The boy got angry. So the next day he comes by with a boys bike and teases her saying, "Ha Ha! You can't have a boys bike cause your a girl!"
So the girl goes crying to her mom and she gets a boys bike. The boy gets very mad. So the next day the boy comes by, pulls down his pants and says, "I have one of these and you can't go crying to your mom to get one!!!"
She goes crying to her mom and then the girl comes out pulls up her dress and says, "My mom said as long as I have one of these I can get as many of those that I want!"