JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Opening For An Assassin

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of
testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered
for the position. After sending some applicants through the background
checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to
3 men, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to
a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will
follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they
explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious!
I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this
job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. We
must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances," they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find
your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and
went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door
opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to
shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess
I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife
and go the hell home."

Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the
same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure
that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This
is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Take this gun and kill her."

The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even
closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot
after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They
heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for
several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there
stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, "You
guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the
bitch to death with the chair!"

.....

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental
state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He explains, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can
enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how
to fuck, or I don't know how to shit."

 

[melody]

The Beaten Path

A guy's jogging through the San Francisco park when he veers off the
"beaten path" to take a leak. He accidentally steps into quicksand and
rapidly sinks to his waist. He can't get himself out.

So he calls to another guy who's jogging. "Hey, can you give me a hand?"

The other jogger says, "I'll help you -- for a blow job!"

"Fuck no! Goddamned fags!" The jogger shrugs and goes on his little
merry way.

A few moments later, the sinking jogger is still going down, and another
male jogger comes up. Again, the man in the quicksand asks for some
help. "For a blow job!" the other jogger says.

"Fuck you -- no!! Goddamned fags!"

By this time, he's almost up to his neck in the quicksand. A third male
jogger comes by. The man in the quicksand says, "Look, hey, if you help
me out of here, sigh, I'll give you a blow-job."

The new jogger walks over. He stops in front of the other guy. Then he
takes his foot and puts it on the guy's head and pushes him down under
the quicksand. "Goddamned fags."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*

Triplets were seated in their hi-chairs at the table as their mother
asked the first one what would you like for breakfast?

"I'll have some of those god dammed eggs," he exclaimed. Their mother
immediately picked his little ass up and whipped it good fashion.
Putting him back in his chair roughly she asked the second one politely,
"What would you like?"

The second triplet said, "I guess I'll have some of those eggs and a
piece of that god dammed sausage." His mother immediately picked his ass
up and whipped it just as good as the first. Slamming him back into his
hi-chair she then turns to the third and says, "What will you have?"

He said, "I'll have anything else you've got except for those goddammed
eggs and that fucking sausage."

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

Q: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A: Salad Shooter

Q: What is the definition of "making love?"
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Did you hear about the necrophiliac who thought he was in love, until
the rotten cunt split on him?

 

[melody]

Doc Rourke

Doc Rourke rented an apartment in New York, and went to the lobby
to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive
young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a
robe.
Doc smiled at the young girl and she struck up a conversation with
him. As they talked, her robe slipped open. It was quite obvious
that she had nothing on under the robe. Poor Doc broke into a sweat
trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her
hand on his arm and said, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone
coming..."
They proceeded into the apartment, and after she closed the door,
she leaned against it allowing her robe to fall completely open.She
purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Doc stammered, cleared his throat
several times, and finally squeaked out, "Oh, it's got to be your
ears!"
She was astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are
full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't
sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars!
Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my
body?"
Clearing his throat once again, Doc stammered - "Outside when you
said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!"

vvvvv

A surgeon came to see his patient on the morning after her operation.
The young blonde asked him, somewhat hesitantly, how long it would be before
she could resume her normally active sex life.
"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first patient who's ever asked me that question after
a tonsillectomy!"

vvvvv

Q: What do you call a woman with a toothpick through her clit?
A: Olive.

Q: What did the male vampire say to his female teacher?
A: "See you next period."

Q: Why can't girls wear miniskirts in the winter?
A: Chapped lips.

 

[melody]

He Needs Relief

A man notices his thirteen-year-old son has been walking around for a week with a hard-on in his pants, and figures the boy needs some relief. He gives the kid twenty dollars and says: "Take this to the whorehouse at the other end of town, and have some fun."
Well, the whorehouse is a good hour walk each way, but the boy returns in only 45 minutes. The father says: "where were you?"
"Well," says the boy, "when I walked by Grandma's house she asked where I was going and I told her. She said, 'why don't you just come in here instead, and I'll do you for free.' So that's what I did."
The father, outraged, screams: "Are you telling me you fucked my MOTHER?"
"What's the big deal," says the boy, "you fuck mine!"

jjjjj

There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.

One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.

So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.

One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.

"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".

"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."

jjjjj

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"Oh, my God!!" says the doctor, " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant."
The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous."
Patient replies "He fingered me first."

 

[melody]

GROSS World Records!

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los
Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and
28
inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely
insert a
lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZIT POPPING
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and
projected a
detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7 ft 1 inch.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is
Khoona.
It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of
a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is
believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato
juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime.
It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail
umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump.'

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal
fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4 in) and the
greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced
a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially
measured at
12 ft 2 in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially
recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

poopoo

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big
Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr.
Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs

away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this
time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have Mr.

Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the surprised wolf jumps up
and runs away.
About 2 miles down the path, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again,

this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have

Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf
jumps up and screams... ....."Will you get lost?! I'm just trying to
take a shit!"

 

[melody]

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House

* Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.

* Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.

* Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.

* Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.

* Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.

* Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.

* Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.

* Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.

* Pretend to eat your arm.

* Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

•••••

This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you."

The next day, the guy shows up with his wife.

The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table."

She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.

He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."

•••••

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."

 

[melody]

Hey, Can You Give Me A Hand?

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man

with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?".
Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help.

He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes

out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy.

Imagining the bonus he will get come judgement day, he continues to hold

the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back
up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with
your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know,

but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

ggggg

A very good looking guy is walking down the beach and he
sees a woman with no arms or legs, just "sitting" there.
As he approaches her, he notices that she is crying her
eyes out. He bends down and asks "why are you crying?"
She replies, "I've never been deeply kissed, would you
kiss me?"

So he thinks for a second and then bends down, gives her a
deep kiss and starts to walk away again. But then she
starts bawling and crying even louder. He turns and asks
why she's crying this time. She looks at him wantonly
and says, "I've never been fucked before."
So he thinks for another second, walks over to her,
bends down and picks her up, and chucks her into the
ocean, and says, "Well, you're fucked now."

 

[melody]

10 Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary

10. Today is our what?

9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year.
Here's a $5 gift certificate for MacDonald's.

8. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if
it'll shut ya up.

7. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

6. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

5. I thought we only celebrated important events?

4. Having sex doesn't count as a gift?

3. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in
love.

2. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex.

1. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

{{{{{

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

{{{{{

For any of you out there who is trying to conceive and using one of
those home pregnancy tests and can't quite figure out the results,
here's a handy little reference guide.

EPT (early pregnancy test) - Blue means not pregnant. Pink
means pregnant. Brown means you had it in the wrong hole.

 

[melody]

Artificial Body Parts

A married couple was having dinner and the conversation got around to
transplants and artificial body parts.

"They'll make an artificial dick next," the wife said.

"Bullshit!" replied the husband, "There are something's you can't make
... besides, what would you make it from?"

"Iron," she told him.

"Don't be stupid, woman. It'd rust."

"Ok, brass then," she insisted.

"That's bloody ridiculous," scoffed the husband. "Men would never be
able to keep it clean."

"Rubbish!" she told him. "I've watched you polish yours while watching
porno videos for years!"

88888

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
~ If your girlfriend chews before swallowing.

What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy
together?
~ A red headed Bitch with a yeast infection

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
~ By sticking your finger in his honey

What is the ultimate rejection?
~ When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep

What is the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
~ One is a snack cracker while the other is a crack snacker.

Why do women always go to the bathroom right after sex?
~ They can't teach their pussies to spit.

What's the definition of gross?
~ When you go down on a pregnant woman and something grabs your tongue.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
~ Because they have cotton balls.

What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they
are leaving?
~ Thanks for coming.

 

[melody]

Raunchy Goodies

Marge was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of attention and
decided to come on a little stronger to him. After dinner, she put on her
sexy, backless nightgown backward and sauntered into the living room.
"Notice anything?" she asked slyly.
"Yes, you've got your nightgown on backward," her husband answered simply.
"How could you tell?" she cooed.
"Because the shit stains are in the front," he said.

88888

Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead."

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said, "F*ck him, he's only an egg."

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
and now, there's little Frankie.

88888

Here I sit,
Just took a shit
Oh No! No!
The guy before me stole the roll
I have a class, I must not linger
Look out ass here comes the finger

88888

Down in the valley where
the green grass grows,
There lives an old lady
without any clothes,
Along comes a soldier boy,
Chip, chop, chop,
Down with his pants and
out with his cock.
Three months later starting
to swell,
Six months later all is well,
Then nine months later,
Snap, crackle, pop,
Out comes a baby with a
mangled cock,
Ladies and gents that's not
all,
The poor little bastard,
Had only one ball.

 

[melody]

Fascinate

A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said. "My family went to
the New York City Zoo and we saw all the animals. It was
fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use
the word "fascinate". Sally raised her hand. She said,
"My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was
"fascinated". The teacher said, "well, that was good,
Sally, but I want the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally
decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate,'
so she called on him. Little Johnny said, " My sister has
a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so fucking big,
she can only fasten eight."

=====

Do you think that the small bumps around a woman's nipples
are Braille for "suck here"?

There once was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "What the hell,
You get used to the smell,
And think of the money I save!"

Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool
He'd gone to a great public school
So he lowered his britches
And buggered those bitches
With his eight-inch episcopal tool

=====

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

 

[melody]

Cybersex Chat
(One Of My All Time Favorites)

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of Cybersex. Then again, maybe he does....

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner. It's smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you! Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly...I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take of my panties!

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking!

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit! I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover!

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your... you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo!

Sweetheart: Bye!!!

 

[melody]

What To Wear At A Private Pool

Now that Summer is here, here are a few rules for what women can and
cannot wear at a private pool.

1) Thongs are encouraged... however only if certain conditions are met.

1A) There must be a direct correlation to the amount of total square
inches of skin, to the total amount of square inches of bathing suit. In
other words, if you are any larger than a mini van, a string bikini
should be frowned upon.

1B) Thongs or ass floss as they have been come to be known in pool and
beach circles, should be worn as long as there is not more cellulite on
your buttocks than in one of Mel Gibson's Epic type movies.

2) Women with near perfect figures, cannot wear one piece bathing
suits... plain and simple. Damn, I know it's a sexist world, but it's
the world that we live in.

3) Curlers are strictly verboten.


Now that Summer is here, here are a few rules for what men can and
cannot wear at a private pool.

1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following
conditions:

1A) If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you
probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may
be, if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see
your skimpy bathing suit.

1B) If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not
be wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger
acrobatics tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to lift up the fold of skin of your belly
hanging mercilessly down over the top of your Speedo.

1C) If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as
opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not
get turned on by 1 and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from
your loins.

1D) If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the
Speedo.

1F) If you are the type of guy who gets aroused when you see a woman in
less than an overcoat and/or if there is a gentle breeze, you should not
be wearing one. Teepees are for Indian reservations and not for the pool
thank_you_very_much.

2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing
suits, please for the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner
shell. There is nothing sexier than seeing your boys hanging down as you
sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, but it is
impolite to be the cause of so many women getting so horny at midday, so
keep your boys hidden.

3) No thongs under any circumstances.

4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.
_______
_______

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are
only 3 Survivors; Jim, Joe and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple
of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely
horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Joe was so immoral and bad that
she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Joe managed to get through it. After a while,
Jim and Joe's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Joe began to feel absolutely
horrible about what they were doing.

So, they buried Susie

 

[melody]

The Bachelor Party

This guy was invited to a bachelor party but his wife didn't want him to go.
"Last time you went to a bachelor party you got totally blind drunk and vomited all over yourself, ruining a new suit", she said.
"I promise I'll behave myself," he said, and begged and begged until finally she gave in.
So he goes along to the party and pretty soon he forgets about his promise and begins drinking Long Island iced teas. Before long, he's really feeling it.
He tells a friend: "Shit my wife will kill me if I vomit on myself".
"No problem," says his friend. "What you do is put $20 in the back of your wallet. If you throw up on yourself give the wife the $20 when you get home and tell her that someone else vomited all over you and gave you $20 for the dry cleaning".
So the guy thinks this is a great idea and starts really hitting it heavy. By 2:00 AM he is shitfaced. He has barfed all over himself as his wife expected he would. So he heads home and his wife greets him at the door.
"Goddamn it, you did it again!" she screams.
"No, no you've got it all wrong! Another guy was so drunk he threw up all over me, but he gave me $20 to pay for the dry cleaning," he says as he hands over the money to his wife.
"If he gave you $20 how come your giving me $40?"
"The other $20 is from the guy who shat in my pants!"

wwwww

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for few beers after work.
The man says: "My wife will get mad if I go drinking with the guys after work."
His coworker says: "No problem! When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets,
gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."
So the man stays out late, then later he sneaks into the houses, slides down under the sheets and gets to work.
Soon moans and groans of pleasure fill the air.
"Wait," says the man, "I have to take a leak. I'll be right back."
He gets to the bathroom and is shocked to see his wife sitting on the toilet!
"How did you get in here?!"
"Shhhhh! Your mom's visiting, and you'll wake her up."

 

[melody]

Las Vegas Hooker

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas
hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually
asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies in sultry sexy voice, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes." ... "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes." ..... "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."...... "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly,
"I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the
bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime,
worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says,
"I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, in her sexy, husky voice, "$1,500.00."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker in her husky, sexy voice. " Step over here to the window,
big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street?
I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job
that's worth every cent of $1,500."


The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to
put off the new car for another year or so and says,
"Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and
unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,
"How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those
beautiful lights, gambling palaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies in her deep husky sexy voice,
"but I would...............If I had a pussy!"

-----------

I want to die like my grandfather did, in his sleep.
Not screaming and shouting like the passengers in his car.

-----------

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks:
"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

 

[melody]

There were two gay guys living together.
One was more feminine and the other more masculine. The masculine one
lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So,
one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and
if there was something he could do about it.

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really
the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline
all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough
to produce hair.

The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and
smothered his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with
him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"

The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment
from his partner.

Finally, his partner said, "Don't you think if that was true that you
would have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now?"

@@@

Q. How do you know when there's a gay president in the White House?
A. All the cigars taste like shit.

Q. Did you hear about the queer termite?
A. He went for the woodpecker.

Q. Did you hear abut the queer Canadian Mountie?
A. No only does he get his man.......He get's to keep him!!!!!!

Q. What's a queers favorite dish in a Chinese restaurant?
A. Cream of Sum Yung Guy.

Q. What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A. Two gays with hemorroids

What's the best selling brand of lipstick in San Francisco?
Preparation H.

Q: In prison, how do they separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar

Two gays got into a heated argument, with one of them saying, "Well, you can kiss my ass!"
The other one blurted out, "This is no time to talk about romance, Bitch!"

 

[melody]

Two Italian Men

A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat down together
and engaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them
ignored them at first, but her attention was galvanized when she
heard one of the men become graphic.

"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come
again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," said the lady indignantly. "In this country
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend
howa to spella Mississippi.

@@@

Q. What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A. When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick

@@@

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his
utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for
the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up, and
showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do
you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all
the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it!"

@@@

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females.
One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow shit and dives down
toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, "...but is
this stool taken?"
_________

A young girl is speaking with her father.
"Daddy, what's that between your legs?"
"That's my hedgehog."
"Wow, it's got a massive cock."

 

[melody]

Naughty Shorties

Two guys go into a whore house. The first guy goes into the whore's room.
She's laying there naked, but he sees this *HUGE* scab right on here pussy.
He's so disgusted, he jumps out the window. (It's only on the first floor,
he lives.) The other guy is waiting in the hall, and getting hornier by
the minute. Soon, he figures his buddy must be finished, so he goes in.
He sees the *HUGE* scab, but he's soo excited, he just rips it off and
throws it out the window. He fucks her, pays her, and leaves. He finds
his friend sitting outside the building and says, "Sorry I took so long,
she was really good."

His friend says, "That's alright, I had time to eat that pizza you
threw down to me."

{{{{{

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"

"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.

"Piss on him," answered the husband.

"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."

"Well, fuck him," said the husband.

"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."

{{{{{

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs.

Her husband starts to cry.

She says, "What's the matter?"

He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

 

[melody]

You Know You're A Mom When...

* Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor..... and you
don't care.

* When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room
together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

* You can't find your cell phone, so you ask a friend to call you,
and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you
locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

* Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking
bodily fluids on you.

* Popsicle's become a food staple.

* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

* You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body
part it happens to be on.

* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts
to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

* Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

* You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're
equal.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your kid throws up and you catch it.

* You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child
chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.

* You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

* You're up each night until 11 PM vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing,
drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing,
ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers,
bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping
coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing,
chasing, buckling, feeding (them, NOT you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball,
bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football,
catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping
rope,
PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening,
painting, and walking the dog.
You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go
to the bathroom, and yet ... you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

 

[melody]

Come Ons And Come Backs

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there any more.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.

Man : Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees sucking on my cock.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got that little moustache

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load up your arse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of bitch that's impossible to shake off once you've shagged her.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me.... as long as you are still a bit warm when I shove it in ya.

`````

What is FOREPLAY?
1- The loving before the shoving.
2- The petting before the getting.
3- BULLSHIT!
4 -The licking before the pricking.
5- The stroking before the poking.
6- The procrastination & masturbation preceding penetration.
7- The lingering and the fingering.
8- A premature ejaculators nightmare!
9- Unnecessary with barn animals.