JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND,
the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

DDDDDD

A blonde puts a book on the librarian's desk and says, "This book has
no story and way too many characters."
The librarian says, "So that's where the phone book went."

DDDDDD

"Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?"

"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.

"Whatever do you mean by that?"

"It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed waitress
with a low cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, 'does my
pair annoy ya'?"

DDDDDD

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"

 

[melody]

Great Reasons To Be A Guy...

*Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
*You know stuff about tanks.
*A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
*You can open all your own jars.
*Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
*You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
*You can leave the motel bed unmade.
*You can kill your own food.
*You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
*Wedding plans take care of themselves.
*If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
*Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
*If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
*Everything on your face stays its original color.
*You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
*Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
*You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.
*Car mechanics tell you the truth.
*You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
*Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
*Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
*You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
*If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. *Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
*You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
*You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
*You almost never have strap problems in public.
*You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
*The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
*You don't have to shave below your neck.
*Gas (at either end) is cool.
*Your belly usually hides your big hips.
*One wallet

and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

 

[melody]

Nude Gardening

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it.So she goes to her neighbor and says,"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"
Her neighbor replies,"Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."
She says Well, what the heck it can't hurt to try it.
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
"So-so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."
-----
A nun walks out of a church and sees two little boys kneeling down with their penises stuck in the snow. She runs over to them and asks "Billy, Jimmy what are you doing?"

Billy replies "Oh, Father O'Sullivan likes a couple cold ones after the service"
-----
A dusty cowboy rides up to the saloon on his horse, gets off and ties it to the hitching post, then slaps the dust off his jacket and chaps. He walks around to the back of the horse, puckers up his lips and kisses the horse directly on the asshole. He then walks into the saloon, walks up to the bar and says to the bartender "Whiskey!"
The bartender pours him a glass of whiskey and says to the cowpoke "Say there pardner, I noticed when you got off your horse you went behind it and kissed it right on the asshole. Why'd you do that?"

The cowpoke replies "Chapped lips."

"Chapped lips?" asks the bartender, "Is that a cure for chapped lips?" "No" says the cowpoke, "but it sure's hell stops you from lickin' 'em."
-----
It's a very cold winter's night, so three homeless guys huddle up close to stay warm.
When they wake up in the morning, the guy on the left says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick all night."
The guy on the right says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick too."
The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream I went skiing."

 

[melody]

Brazen Nudity On Honeymoon

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.
On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.
Not being put off by his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.
However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.
"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."
--------------
Yo Mamma is so fat,
The National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she weighs herself the scale says "To be continued..."
Yo Mamma is so fat,
when she sits on a dollar, blood rushes out George Washington's nose!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth!
Yo Mamma is so fat,
her belly-button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.

 

[melody]

A faggot hadn't had any sex for quite some time. One night,
he happened to run into a wino just outside of a gay bar. He said to
him, "Look, I do not know you, and you don't know me, but if I can
have sex with you, I'll give you fifty bucks!" The wino considered
this proposition and said, "well---okay. But you ought to be
forewarned that I have crabs." "That's all right," said the faggot...
"I love seafood."

@@@

What is the difference between a Hobo and a Homo?
A Hobo is a loner who doesn't have any friends.
A Homo has friends up the arse.

Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
A: They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.

Q: What do you call a fag that doesn't have aids?
A: A lucky cocksucker.

Q: What did one gerbil say to the other when they saw the faggot
….swish into the pet store?
A: "Don't panic! Just turn your back and act like a dog!"

Q: Did you hear about the two fags who had an argument in a
….poofter bar?
A: They went outside to exchange blows.

Q: What's the hardest thing about AIDS?
A: Leaving your friends behind.

Q: Why are there so many poofters in the British aristocracy?
A: Have you seen their women?

Q: Did you know 70% of the faggot population were born that way?
A: The other 30% were sucked into it.

Q: What did the poof do when he missed his boyfriend?
A: He shit in his hand and had a wank.

Q: How do faggots spell relief?
A: N-O-A-I-D-S.

Q: Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A: "Leave it, it's Beaver."

Q: Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A: He found a hare up his ass.

Q: What is a shit?
A: A faggot's wet dream.

 

[melody]

REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE .
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, "SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER."

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER."

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, "MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY."

Viagra Slogans

The top ten slogans being considered by Viagra for its new advertising
campaign.

10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!

3. Viagra, Tastes great!........., More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra:

1. This is your penis..... This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

 

[mingz]

Elderly couple having wild sex during fishing


At the senior citizens luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding along, when they came upon a fork in the river and the gentleman asked, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden, the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and then continued riding along, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
There she went again, stripping off her clothes to make wild, passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the old gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes, and so there they were the next day riding in the boat, when they came upon the fork in the river.
The gentleman asked, "Well, do you want to go up or down?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river, when he came upon another fork.
He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman, so he asked "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing."
She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in, and I thought you were saying, "Fuck or drown!"

 

[melody]

Why I Play With My Cunt
by Lovechild

· BECAUSE I WAS NOT BREASTFED
· BECAUSE MY CRIB WAS PADDED AND I LIKE THE FEEL OF STEEL
· BECAUSE I WAS SPANKED BY MY BABYSITTER
· BECAUSE THE KIDS USED TO CALL ME HALF-BREED
· BECAUSE MY FATHER IGNORED ME AND MY MOTHER FUCKED THE BOTTLE
· BECAUSE MY BROTHER JERKED OFF TO AUNT JAMIMA
· BECAUSE MY DOG WAS KEPT IN BONDAGE TIL THE DAY HE DIED
· BECAUSE A WHITE BOY TOOK MY VIRGINITY
· BECAUSE I WAS NEVER TAUGHT HOMOSEXUALITY IN HEALTH CLASS
· BECAUSE THE SAND MAN WAS A LESBIAN
· BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD
· BECAUSE MY CUNT IS SELFISH
· BECAUSE IT'S SELF-GRATIFICATION
· BECAUSE MY PERIOD FEELS LIKE A BULLFIGHT
· BECAUSE I HATE THE SMELL OF PORK
· BECAUSE I LOVE THE TASTE OF PUSSY
· BECAUSE I CAN'T FIST MY OWN ASSHOLE
· BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON MY HANDS
· BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE A BABY WHEN I SHAVE IT
· BECAUSE MY PLATFORM HEEL WON'T FIT INSIDE
· BECAUSE MY VIBRATOR ISN'T POWERFUL ENOUGH
· BECAUSE TRANSSEXUALS TURN ME THE FUCK ON
· BECAUSE SCENES FROM CALIGULA RUN THROUGH MY HEAD
· BECAUSE CINDERELLA WASN'T MY SLAVE
· BECAUSE IT THROBS LIKE A DICK
· BECAUSE I SLEEP ALONE
· BECAUSE OF THE QUESTION OF DEATH
· BECAUSE FRIDAY FOSTER SAYS I'M A PERVERT
· BECAUSE THE THOUGHT OF TREE VIRGINS IN HORSE TAILS
· BECAUSE MY DOUBLE-DONG WAS STOLEN
· BECAUSE I SMOKED MY LAST CIGARETTE
· BECAUSE I WANT TO SPIT-SHINE PRINCE'S BOOTS
· BECAUSE I HATE SLOPPY BLOW-JOBS
· BECAUSE THERE ARE NO MORE VIRGINS
· BECAUSE I CAN'T GIVE THE GOVERNMENT AN ENEMA
· BECAUSE WHORES BECAME EXPENSIVE
· BECAUSE I HATE THE THOUGHT OF CLOTHING
· BECAUSE I'M THE BORDERLINE OF A DYKE AND A BOY
· BECAUSE I WANT TO BE SADDDLED AND TRAINED LIKE A HORSE
· BECAUSE SLAVERY WAS IN MY ROOTS AND I THIRST S&M
· BECAUSE I CAN NEVER GET ENOUGH PUSSY
· BECAUSE THE SOUND OF A WOMAN'S VOICE OVER THE PHONE
· BECAUSE WHEN IT'S WET IT GLAZES MY FINGERS
· BECAUSE I WANT TO BE GANG-BANGED BY FEMALE INMATES
· BECAUSE I WANT TO FUCK FOR FOOD AND WATER
· BECAUSE I WASN'T BORN IN A CHASTITY BELT
· BECAUSE I LIKE TO WORK MY PUSSY
· BECAUSE I WAS BORN A BITCH
· BECAUSE I LIKE MORE THAN ONE ORGASM
· BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO SAY 'I LOVE YOU' TO ANYONE
· BECAUSE IN MY MIND I CAN BE FUCKING ANYONE I WANT
· BECAUSE IT'S HEALTHY
· BECAUSE I'M A VAIN BITCH AND ONLY I KNOW HOW TO LOVE MYSELF...

 

[melody]

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything--I believe we should all live and
let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these
homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them
approaches me and starts sucking my cock.

Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation
with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple
of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot
shower. The guy looked like a real man's man, too--big biceps, meaty thighs,
thick neck. He didn't seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started
sucking my cock, that is.

Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him?
Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don't recall the
phrase, "Suck my cock" entering the conversation, and I don't have a sign
around my neck that reads, "Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock."

I've got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing
in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, I've got a real
problem.

Then there was the time I was hiking through the woods and came across a
rugged-looking, blond-haired man in his early 30s. He seemed straight enough
to me while we were bathing in that mountain stream, but, before you know
it, he's sucking my cock!

What is it with these homos? Can't they control their sexual urges? Aren't
there enough gay cocks out there for them to suck on without them having to
target normal people like me?

Believe me, I have no interest in getting my cock sucked by some queer. But
try telling that to the guy at the beach club. Or the one at the video
store. Or the one who catered my wedding. Or any of the countless other
homos who've come on to me recently. All of them sucked my cock, and there
was nothing I could do to stop them.

I tell you, when a homosexual is sucking your cock, a lot of strange
thoughts go through your head: How the hell did this happen? Where did this
fairy ever get the idea that I was gay? And where did he get those fantastic
boots?

It screws with your head at other times, too. Every time a man passes me on
the street, I'm afraid he's going to grab me and drag me off to some
bathroom to suck my cock. I've even started to visualize these repulsive
cock-sucking episodes during the healthy, heterosexual marital relations I
enjoy with my wife--even some that haven't actually happened, like the
sweaty, post-game locker-room tryst with Vancouver Canucks forward Mark
Messier that I can't seem to stop thinking about.

Things could be worse, I suppose. It could be women trying to suck my cock,
which would be adultery and would make me feel tremendously guilty. As it
is, I'm just angry and sickened. But, believe me, that's enough. I don't
know what makes these homosexuals mistake me for a guy who wants his cock
sucked, and, frankly, I don't want to know. I just wish there were some
way to get them to stop.

I've tried all sorts of things, but it's all been to no avail. A few months
back, I started wearing an intimidating-looking black leather thong with
menacing metal studs in the hopes that it would frighten those faggots off,
but it didn't work. In fact, it only seemed to encourage them. Then, I
really started getting rough, slapping them around whenever they were
sucking my cock, but that failed, too. Even pulling out of their mouths just
before ejaculation and shooting sperm all over their face, chest, and hair
seemed to have no effect. What do I have to do to get the message across to
these swishes?

I swear, if these homosexuals don't take a hint and quit sucking my cock all
the time, I'm going to have to resort to drastic measures--like maybe
pinning them down to the cement floor of the loading dock with my powerful
forearms and working my cock all the way up their butt so they understand
loud and clear just how much I disapprove of their unwelcome advances. I
mean, you can't get much more direct than that.

 

[melody]

Wife Jokes

April and I were lying in bed the other day. My hands were slowly finding their way across her body. I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world." She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

=====

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

=====

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

=====

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

=====

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

George Burns

=====

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."

Henny Youngman

=====

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

=====

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

=====

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

=====

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

=====

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

=====

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

=====

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

=====

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.

=====

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

=====

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

=====

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

=====

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

=====

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."

=====

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,

=====

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

=====

A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"

=====

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

=====

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

=====

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

=====

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

=====

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

=====

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

=====

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."

=====

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

=====

I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father,
I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

=====

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

=====

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

=====

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

=====

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

=====

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute

=====

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.

=====

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

 

[melody]

I Will Survive
~To the tune of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive"~

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly fucker lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head,
If I'd known for just one second I'd be in your crusty bed ...

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I've fallen on the floor.
Your butt's a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your fuckin' ugly face ...

I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking spirits and the beer
Cuz when I looked at you last night, you looked just like Richard Gere!

I can't believe that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes, or simply bound and gagged.
I'm fucking off right now, I'm jumping on the flippin' train
and I'm not stopping till I'm home and washed your greeblies down the drain.

Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're an ugly little prick.
I should have fucked your gorgeous roommate, at least he's got a nice tight ass
But no, I go and trust the booze and now I'm stuck with you, and you have no class.

It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going to have no stupid fun,
Cuz waking up beside your mug, just makes me want to be a nun!

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«::::»§«::::»¤»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«::::»§«::::»¤


Yes, in fact I do suffer from PMS ...
Putting up with Men's Shit.

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

As the doctor removed the fourth peanut butter cup
from my rectum, I came to a very, very important
realization: There *is* a wrong way to eat a Reese's.

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but it seems
as if everything I eat lately turns to shit.

 

[melody]

Hitch Hiker

A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side of the road.

He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says "I can't I'm on my period."

He says "That doesn't matter."

So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out.

A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking.

So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck.

The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer.

The officer asks him what he is doing? He says liking his fingers "Eating Pizza!"
............

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.

He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.

Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.

This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

............

There was a man from Brazil
Who invented the atomic pill.
His balls corroded his dick exploded
And his ass was found in Seville


There was a young girl from Coles Hill
who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
they found her vagina in North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil


The night was dark, the sky was blue
down the alley the shit wagon flew
a bump was hit, a scream was heard
a man was killed by a flying turd

 

[melody]

Unwind

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to
their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The
man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On
the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband
with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney
fall on her little nosey- wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate
sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her
bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on
her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and
says, "Clumsy bitch."

nnnnn

A professer gave his class an assignment, and the only reason for not finishing it would be if you were sick or a close relative died.

So this guy raised his hand and said " What about sexual exhaustion?"

The whole class burst out laughing.

After the laughter died down the professer replied " Maybe you should consider using the other hand!!!!!"

nnnnn

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and
lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and
everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"
"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie
face down on that couch."

 

[melody]

Please Execute My Son

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)
collected by Nisheeth Parekh, Univ. Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent.
She was sick and I had her shot.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on
Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two
teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she
has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school.
He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.
He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when
we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.
We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday.
He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.
She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever,
sore throat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low
grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even
got hot last night.

 

[melody]

There once was a man from Nantucket,
took a pig to the thicket to f&*@ it.
The pig said "You queer, come away from my rear,
come around to the front and I'll suck it".

=====

There was a woman called Louise,
who's pubes hung down to her knees,
the crabs got together, and knitted a sweater,
so in winter her cunt would not freeze.

=====

A West Virginia teeny bopper comes home from school and asks,

"Ma, is it true that babies come out of the place
boys put their wieners in?"
Ma replies,"Yep, sho' do."

Daughter says," Why Ma, is that why you are missin yo' front teeth?"

=====

How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny?
You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

=====

A guy runs into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn't have the greatest relationship. "You know, I was with another woman last night, but I was still thinking of you."
"Why, because you miss me?"
"No, because it keeps me from coming too fast."

=====

When Billy was just a youngster, he went to the drug-store.

He asked the pharmacist,
"Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?"

The druggist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?"
"Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases."

The druggist was impressed. "That's right, son. Do you know what the ribs are for?"

Bill paused and then answered,
"Well, not really, but they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up!"

 

[melody]

Serious Signs Of Menopause...

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he
is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than
just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply,
"Well, if it isn't Ozzie fucking Nelson."

5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate
Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop
on a field trip to Chippendales.

8. You suspect that most of your blouses have ' missing '
buttonholes.

@@@

Thinks You Don't Want To Hear Or Say In Bed

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
Got any penicillin?
When is this supposed to feel good?
You're good enough to do this for a living.
But everybody looks funny naked.
How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
Is that you I smell?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
This would be more fun with some more people, is your
brother at home?
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Did I mention the video camera?
My old boyfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
And to think-I was really trying to pick up your friend!
Hope you're looking as good when I'm sober.....
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

 

[melody]

Perversions

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There
is a good looking girl sitting a couple of stools over, she
looks at him and gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers
her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild
pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is
going through a divorce.

"You too huh?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"

"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.

"What a coincidence, MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says
to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..."

"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore our
perversions together?"

He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing
neither can go to one anothers' house because of their estranged
spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone.

The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time, and jumps
into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of
what is to come...

"Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from
the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears
his zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down.

Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears
him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt
getting fastened.

"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!"
she complained.

"We did!" he says, "I just shit in your purse!"

@@@

A school teacher says to her first grade class,
"Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

The first little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray,
or even orange, depending on the weather."

Then, a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn many trees are brown or gold,"
says the teacher.

Little Johnny, from the back of the class, stands up and asks,
"Do farts have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny, that's disgusting.
Of course not!"

Well then, I definitely just shit my pants.

 

[melody]

How You Can Tell When It's Going To Be A Rotten Day

1. You wake up face down on the pavement.

2. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

4. You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting in your office.

5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and
there aren't any.

7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the
city.

8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

9. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that
you
don't have a waterbed.

10.Your car horn goes off accidentally & remains stuck as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

11.Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

12.Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

13.The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

14.You wake up and your braces are locked together.

15.You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your
pantyhose.

16.You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your
business.

17.Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

18.Your income check bounces.

19.You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

20.Your pet rock snaps at you.

21.Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

@@@

A couple had been debating buying a new vehicle for weeks. He wanted a
truck. She wanted a fast little sports car. The couple fought
endlessly about the issue. Everything she liked was out of their price
range. "Look," she said. "I want something that goes from zero to 200
in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up,
so surprise me!" He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a
brand new bathroom scale.

 

[melody]

S i t u a t i o n a l O r g a s m s

Sex with a nerd ~ dork-gasms

Sex at the entrance to your house ~ door-gasms

Sex on carpet or linoleum ~ floor-gasms

Sex at the supermarket ~ store-gasms

Sex at a Steven King Movie ~ horror-gasms

Sex with a prostitute ~ whore-gasms

Sex while sleeping ~ snore-gasms

Sex while broke ~ poor-gasms

Sex for hours and hours on end ~ sore-gasms

Sex on a golf course ~ fore-gasms

Sex with a nymphomaniac ~ more-gasms

Sex with a dermatologist ~pore-gasms

Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet ~ s'more -gasms

Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can ~odor-gasms

Sex that wasn't very satisfying ~ 'There's the door'-gasms

Sex in an adult theater ~ hard-core-gasms

Sex with someone who's not paying attention ~ ignore-gasms

Sex with a competitive partner ~ score-gasms

Sex while flying ~ soar-gasms

Sex with a beloved partner ~ adore-gasms

Sex with three of your friends ~ four-gasms

Sex that isn't fun ~ Bored -gasms

 

[melody]

A hard man is always good to find

~~

Man ~ You're awfully flat chested, but you've got a tight pussy.

Woman ~ Get off my back!

~~

Billy Joe Bob and Joe Bob Wayne were hunting one sunny day.
Now Joe Bob was not the brightest person in the world.
They came up on a pretty young girl sunbathing in the nude.
Billy Joe jumped up and said,
"Boy, she looks good enough to eat."
So, Joe Bob shot her.

~~

Married Life

Sheri and Rose were sitting in a bar,
when Sheri began reflecting on her failed marriage ...
Sheri told Rose,
"I told my ex, " You just don't arouse me!"

Rose responded,
"Well, that's pretty forthright!
What did he say?"

"He said,
"Well, maybe you have a dry well~!"

Rose, shocked said,
"OOH DAMN! THAT was a low blow!"

No kidding, Sheri said, "So I straightened him out"
Rose asked, "What'd you tell him?"

I told him, " Nahhh, I just need a new drill~!'