JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

More From The Fart List

THE ALARM FART
This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.

THE AMPLIFIED FART
This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table,and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions.

THE BATHTUB FART
People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water, and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing.
But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart,

THE BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD FART
Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. This can either be a group one or a group two fart and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down. It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size.Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines, and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farter's.

 

[melody]

Little Johnny's Snack

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher
brought around cookies for snack time.
"Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and
scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.
When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide
behind the curtain until snack time came around.
As she came to Little Johnny she again said to him,
"Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."
"I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again.
The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother,
"See? Did you hear what he said?"
"So?" said his mother,
"Don't fucking give him one."

o0o0o0

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost.

Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.

He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they're both deaf.

She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"

o0o0o0

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend.

She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling.

The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any near it!"

o0o0o0

That outfit you are wearing is very becoming on you. But if you
wore me I'd be cumming on you too.

o0o0o0

One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him."

Her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

 

[melody]

The Stableboy

The lowly stableboy could only watch and dream about the beautiful
girl who came to ride her horse every afternoon. It was a case of unrequited
love.

One day he was painting the empty stables and day-dreaming about his
girl when he realized that he was painting the stall that her horse was
kept in. the horse shied, coming into contact with the fresh paint and
smearing it all over itself. "What will I do?" he wondered. "I know -
I'll continue to paint the stall and horse too. When she arrives to
ride, she'll wonder who painted her horse green. I'll say I did it
accidentally. As her horse dries I'll suggest we might ride double on
the horse in the next stall. She'll agree and we'll ride together to
the little pond out by the waterfall. We'll admire the scenery for a while,
then she'll say, 'I'd love to go swimming but I didn't bring my suit.'
I'll tell her that no-one ever comes here at this time of day so we can
safely swim in the nude. We'll skinny-dip for a while then lie close
together on the grass. One thing will lead to another and we'll make
mad, passionate love. That's what I'll do."

It was almost time for the beautiful girl to arrive so he hid in the
next stall, eager to carry out the next stage of his plan. The girl
came to the stall, opened the door and exclaimed, "Who painted my horse
green?!"

Excitedly, the boy leapt from his hiding place and shouted, "I did!
Let's fuck!"

`````

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in
divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,
"You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied,
"I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."

`````

Q. What three words can totally deflate a man's ego?
A. Is it in?

Q. How do you castrate a redneck?
A. You kick his sister in the jaw.

Q. Why does a dog lick his ass?
A. Because he knows that in five minutes, he'll be
licking your face.

 

[melody]

Male & Female

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

 

[melody]

Q: What do blondes do with their assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

 

[melody]

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?"
"You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me."
"We're eating asshole!!", she screams.

 

[melody]

a soldier's letter

a soldier received a letter from his girlfriend, but he couldn't show it
to his friends, because she signed it "mother," and this is what she
wrote:

M- is for the many times we did it.

O- is for the other times we tried.

T- is for the terrific times we have.

H- is for the hotel we went to.

E- is for the easy way we went.

R- is for the rhythm we had.


That spells "mother" -- what i'm going to be in 9 months.
He wrote back and this is what he said:

F- is for the fucked up letter you sent me.

A- is for the ass you are.

T- is for the trouble your in.

H- is for the hoe you really are.

E- is for the easy way you gave it up.

R- is for the romance we never had.


And i'll be damned if i'm the father
this is what i think of the baby:

B- is for the baby without a father.

A- is for the abortion you better get.

B- is for the bastard he or she will be.

Y- is for the "yes" when you should have said "no."


she realized that she forgot a few things in the first letter so she
wrote the dickless wonder back and this is what she said:
B- is for the beef you had with me.
E- is for the eating you did.

S- is for the good pussy you sucked.

T- is for the times i got you hard.

F- is for the funny made dick you have.

R- is the rash on your ass.

I- is for the intercourse that was boring.

E- is for the energy for you to cum.

N- is for the nasty ass dog you are.

D- is for the dad your going to be.


And that spells "bestfriend" -- who i was fuckin' while you were away.

 

[melody]

Exotic Love

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.

The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those
fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet
whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final
touch to the most romantic scene.

We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of
dominance.

I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as
she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.

I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.
Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although
inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm,
moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending
it all too soon.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax,
it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had both been
waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the now damp
grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted into the
darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an
amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she
had been, and she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and
whispered:

"Baaaaaaa", then re-joined the flock.

 

[melody]

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

=====

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said: "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook, a
wonderful mother to our kids, and is fantastic in bed."

 

[melody]

Defining Her

DANDY LITTLE HOUSE KEEPER:
She has been married three times and kept
all the houses

FINE CHARACTER:
She's an ex-hooker

KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE MONEY:
She's a spend thrift and great at spending
yours

SPOTLESS REPUTATION:
She's a slut

STRONG FAMILY TIES:
She's a Mafia Princess

LOVES CHILDREN:
She's pregnant and needs a husband

WONDERFUL PERSONALITY:
She's fat

GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say

THE OUTDOOR TYPE:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, just
like the guys

READY TO SETTLE DOWN:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to
marry

LIKES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME:
She gets piss drunk

LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES:
Often makes an ass of herself

MATURE WOMAN:
She's at least thirty, but looks at least
forty-five

HAS THE APPEARANCE OF A YOUNG SCHOOL GIRL:
She's at least thirty-three, but dresses
like a teenager

CASUAL:
She dresses like a slob

DECORATED HER OWN PLACE:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty

A GREAT DANCER:
She a Stripper/Lapdancer

NOT OVERLY EMOTIONAL:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day

DOESN'T CHASE MEN:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow
spider type

SELDOM DATES:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort
for something

UNDERSTANDS MEN:
She's been married and divorced four times

A GOOD SPORT:
She knows two hundred jokes & can drink
you under the table

LOOKS AND DRESSES LIKE A MODEL:
She's five eleven and weighs seventy-three pounds

BEEN IN SHOW BUSINESS:
She's a former porn movie star

TRAVELED A LOT:
She's been in a LOT of Motels

KNOWS A LOT OF INTERESTING PEOPLE:
None of whom would marry her

WONDERFUL DISPOSITION:
She has PMS

A HARD WORKER:
Retired from "Hooters"

 

[melody]

Trays Up

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male

flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting
and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your
trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A
few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her:
"Ma'am,
perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you
to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."

She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again
to put up the tray.

She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a
princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called
a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"

 

[melody]

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They
were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old
gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been
married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were
sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked
as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get
naked?"

Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at
the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly,
"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years
ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
and the other's in your oatmeal!"

========

Doctor, I'm having that dream again." the patient said.

"Oh?" The shrink replies. "Which one?"

"The one where I'm into sadism, necrophilia, and beastiality.
Should I be worried or am I beating a dead horse?"

 

[melody]

Things To Do In A Department Store:

1. Get the boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when
they are not looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I
think we have a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.

5. Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and
turn the volumes to 10.

6. Challenge other customers to duel with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Put M&M's on layaway.

8. Move "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only
invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

10. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why
won't you people leave me alone?"

11. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while
you pick your nose.

12. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes and X-Men.

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

14. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.

15. Switch signs on the men's and women's bathrooms.

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission
Impossible".

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front.

18. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different
size funnels.

19. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK
ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"

20. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal
position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

21. Go to the food court, get a soft drink, tell them you don't get out
much and would they put one of those little umbrellas in it.

22. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud ...."Hey we're out of
toilet paper in here!"

 

[melody]

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of
penises are there?" The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a
man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is
like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a
birch, flexible but almost reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dried up and the balls are
there for decoration only."

===============

These two guys go to a whorehouse.
The first guy goes in then comes out and says, "My wife is better."
The second guy goes in then comes out and says, "You know what?
Your wife IS better."

 

[melody]

Crap Encyclopedia:

(This is Long But Hilarious)

Every once in a while each of us experiences a perfect crap. It's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is the smooth-sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver.

But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet paper only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

On the other hand (so to speak) there is:

The Beer Crap
Talk about nasty craps. Depending on the crapper's tolerance, the beer crap is the result of too many beers. It could have been two or 22, it doesn't matter.
What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy crap accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chilli Crap
Hot when it goes in and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chilli crap stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Crap
Long, curly and perfectly formed like two feet of telephone coaxial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, 'Did I do that? Where did it come from?' You leave the toilet pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Crap
In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it - where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to crap. Tip: don't ever look down the hole.

The Mona Lisa Crap
This is the masterpiece of craps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make Da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid camera, but maybe that's going too far.

The Empty Roll Crap
You're done... you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains... no, someone would say, 'Where are the curtains?' Then what would you say. The rug? Too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every 'empty roll crapper' must face... pull up your daks, tighten your arse and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

A mate about to run the London Marathon lined up outside the dozens of portaloos on Blackheath to unload a nervous one and discovered when the business was done and he was ready to run a world record race, there was no paper. Panic. The only thing available was a pound note - the last he possessed because they were being replaced by the coin - and he used that, being careful not to use the side with the Queen's head, of course!

The Splash Back Crap
You send the crap on its way; it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: blot instead of wipe.

The Aborted Crap
You are in mid-crap when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off; go for the phone and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

The Caesarean Crap
Pain, that's what this crap and childbirth have in common. It's simply a case of too much crap trying to go through too small a hole and there's no obstetrician to help.

The Alfresco Crap
Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambience that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.

The Tijuana Trot Crap (also known as Delhi Belly, Rabat Runs, Seskatchewan Squits, Balsall Heath Balti Bypass)
The phrase 'shit happens' really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position.

The Machine Gun Crap
You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machinegun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran - cradling his umbrella like an AK47.

The Sound Effect Crap
You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or workmates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet.
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem.
3. Drop a handful of change on the floor.

The Security Crap
You have enough on your mind when you're in the toilet without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-crap mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.

The Cling-On Crap
For the most part you've completed your crap, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use the toilet. So you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.

The Houdini Crap
You go, then you stand up to flush and the damn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe... maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

The Hangover Crap
You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again... up down, up down. Don't you wish Mum was close by.

The Porta-Pottie Dump
Construction workers and outdoor concertgoers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, 'It's like taking a shit in an upright coffin.' It's claustrophobic and it smells bad. Best advice: go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Crap
In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump because there is nothing biblical about it. You run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The crap is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it?

The Whole Roll Crap
No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Crap
You flush the crap and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the crap to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curly-Q hangs there... love it or leave it, it's your choice.

The Encore Crap
'Ahhh!' You're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the toilet when you feel another crap on its way. You have to return for a curtain call.

The Born Again Crap
This is a dump that's going badly. You say, 'Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion.' You always get through it, but seldom keep the promises you made in desperation, because a born-again crap is like childbirth - you forget the pain quickly.

 

[melody]

GAY SIGNS

1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and rather you've been sucking-off the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming fag. A cat is like a dog, but Gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're the poster boy for GAY.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks bar-b-q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, craw-fish guts, pickled pigs feet, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick, wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A pussy-eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick there too.

6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NHL, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA, and Nascar. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious!

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...you hungry for meat-popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the motherfucker off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, finger the beotch in the passenger seat (whoever she happens to be), or, if he's Latino, talk on his cell-phone.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly. So follow the rules and beware...or keep that shit to yourself, you flamming faggot!

 

[melody]

Bert And Mabel

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was
beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance it. "Er,
Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?"
said Bert. Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only 6 days
to go, however you can have a look at your prize." The next night Bert
again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and
says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow, I'll
let you have a little feel of your prize." It only makes matters worse
for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself. Seeing
his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, "I can
see what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will
however let you have a good sniff of your prize." Not being bashful,
Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for
air, "Mabel, do you think it will keep 'til Saturday?!?"

 

[melody]

The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute
little thing on the stool began to cry.

The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Sweetie?"

She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have
anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced.
What should I do?"

Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.
_____

There was a young man of Bombay,
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay.
But the heat of his prick,
Turned it into a brick,
And chafed all his foreskin away

 

[melody]

Trying To Have Kids

A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and
have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time
they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem
conceiving.
The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if they problem was
with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little.
The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.
He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient
passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."
The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and
asked her what was wrong.
She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I
ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."

 

[melody]

Billy-Bob and Bubba were sitting in back of their trailers shooting the breeze.
Billy-Bob asked Bubba, "If I snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin an' fucked your wife, an' she got pregnant, would dat make us kin?"
Bubba scratched his head for a bit then said, "I don't think so.....but it shore would make us even!"

~~~~~

Morris a ninety-year old man lived in a retirement home and got a
weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and
ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year old woman at the other end
of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a
drink.
As the evening progressed, Morris, the old man joined the lady and they
went to her apartment, where they got it on.
Two days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and
he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the
doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, "Sure did!"
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she
lived.
"Yes,...but why?"
"Well you'd better get over there... you're about to cum."