JeSt fOr LaUgHs...
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...at least i got something hilarious to read at nite at my office...haha..appreciate it a lot...
Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: An expensive way to get their laundry done for free.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in boiling water?
A: Stu.
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs holding down a railroad tie?
A: Spike.
Q: What do you call a cat with no arms and no legs?
A: Dog food.
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a forest fire?
A: Bernie.
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs stuck in a quarry?
A: Rocky.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
*****
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaimed the man. "There's something
terribly wrong with my digestive system. When I eat bananas,
bananas come out the other end. When I eat apples, apples
come out the other end. What should I do?"
"Simple," the doctor replied. "Eat shit."
A: An expensive way to get their laundry done for free.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in boiling water?
A: Stu.
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs holding down a railroad tie?
A: Spike.
Q: What do you call a cat with no arms and no legs?
A: Dog food.
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a forest fire?
A: Bernie.
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs stuck in a quarry?
A: Rocky.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
*****
"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaimed the man. "There's something
terribly wrong with my digestive system. When I eat bananas,
bananas come out the other end. When I eat apples, apples
come out the other end. What should I do?"
"Simple," the doctor replied. "Eat shit."
You Might Be Po'White Trash If....
1) You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk
2) The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
3) You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
4) Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
5) Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a
bath."
6) You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
7) You clean your fingernails with a stick.
8) You've ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately.
9) Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
10) You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.
11) You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
12) There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
13) You ever got too drunk to fish.
14) You consider the fifth grade your senior year.
15) Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road."
16) The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
17) Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
18) You think the French Riviera is a foreign car
19) You prefer car keys to Q-Tips.
20) You've ever financed a tattoo.
21) The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.
22) You've ever bought a used hat.
23) You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog.
24) You're considered an expert on worm beds.
25) You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
26) Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.
27) "Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit.
28) You learned to drive in a monster truck.
29) You spit chewing tobacco in the plants.
30) Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
31) You believe books are bad luck.
32) You believe all-star wrestling should be an Olympic competition.
33) You believe all-star wrestling.
34) You recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck.
35) You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur.
36) You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk.
37) Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you "bring your
own."
________
Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
1) You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk
2) The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
3) You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
4) Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
5) Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a
bath."
6) You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
7) You clean your fingernails with a stick.
8) You've ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately.
9) Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
10) You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.
11) You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
12) There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
13) You ever got too drunk to fish.
14) You consider the fifth grade your senior year.
15) Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road."
16) The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
17) Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
18) You think the French Riviera is a foreign car
19) You prefer car keys to Q-Tips.
20) You've ever financed a tattoo.
21) The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.
22) You've ever bought a used hat.
23) You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog.
24) You're considered an expert on worm beds.
25) You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
26) Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.
27) "Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit.
28) You learned to drive in a monster truck.
29) You spit chewing tobacco in the plants.
30) Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
31) You believe books are bad luck.
32) You believe all-star wrestling should be an Olympic competition.
33) You believe all-star wrestling.
34) You recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck.
35) You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur.
36) You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk.
37) Rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you "bring your
own."
________
Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"
Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Sex Quiz For Real Men
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever
find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had
sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever
find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had
sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Sex with the Straight Boys
A true life tale of what breeder boys don't want to admit
by someone who knows.
I was the guy in high school who called the band members faggot. I was the one who threw all the fem guys in the trash cans. I was the jock, I played sports, had a cool car, went out with the cheerleaders, and tried to be the all around stud.
I was QUEER.
I didn't want anyone to know, and no one did, but everyone did.
I fucked all my friends, and they sucked and fucked me. See, as long as you didn't LOOK like a fag, or WALK like a fag, or KISS another guy, you could have sex with anyone. I did, I had sex with everyone.
ALL my straight ,kick some faggot ass friends. We never talked about it, we just did it. We did it when we were drunk. We did IT when we were rolling around wrestling, we did it at night, in the head, in class when the lights went out and the movies started. WE ALL DID IT.
The dirty little secret all straight men have is that they got hard/ get hard over anything. Given the opportunity, they will CUM with anyone, anything, if they are normal.
The only guys who didn't had tiny little dicks, or some sort of COCK abnormality. And of course we never had sex with the faggots.
I got better, but lots of the QUEERS who are out there have not. They are still yelling FAGGOT out their car windows at people they don't even know, or attacking people just because they are not "straight."
I can spot the real faggot miles away, they are in their glass closets, trying to hide behind their hate and violence.
The only person they are fooling is themselves.
~~~~~~~~
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peckers
and shoved them up his butt!!!
There once was a crooked man
Who lived in a crooked house
And had a crooked penis
At least he wasn't straight.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack me off and suck my dick.
What are little fags made of?
Dicks and butts
What are little dykes made of?
Hot clits, baby, hot clits
What are little Queers made of?
Dykes and Fags and Bisexuals
and Transgender people and etc.
A true life tale of what breeder boys don't want to admit
by someone who knows.
I was the guy in high school who called the band members faggot. I was the one who threw all the fem guys in the trash cans. I was the jock, I played sports, had a cool car, went out with the cheerleaders, and tried to be the all around stud.
I was QUEER.
I didn't want anyone to know, and no one did, but everyone did.
I fucked all my friends, and they sucked and fucked me. See, as long as you didn't LOOK like a fag, or WALK like a fag, or KISS another guy, you could have sex with anyone. I did, I had sex with everyone.
ALL my straight ,kick some faggot ass friends. We never talked about it, we just did it. We did it when we were drunk. We did IT when we were rolling around wrestling, we did it at night, in the head, in class when the lights went out and the movies started. WE ALL DID IT.
The dirty little secret all straight men have is that they got hard/ get hard over anything. Given the opportunity, they will CUM with anyone, anything, if they are normal.
The only guys who didn't had tiny little dicks, or some sort of COCK abnormality. And of course we never had sex with the faggots.
I got better, but lots of the QUEERS who are out there have not. They are still yelling FAGGOT out their car windows at people they don't even know, or attacking people just because they are not "straight."
I can spot the real faggot miles away, they are in their glass closets, trying to hide behind their hate and violence.
The only person they are fooling is themselves.
~~~~~~~~
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peckers
and shoved them up his butt!!!
There once was a crooked man
Who lived in a crooked house
And had a crooked penis
At least he wasn't straight.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack me off and suck my dick.
What are little fags made of?
Dicks and butts
What are little dykes made of?
Hot clits, baby, hot clits
What are little Queers made of?
Dykes and Fags and Bisexuals
and Transgender people and etc.
A lady and her husband have been arguing back and forth for some time. She makes an appointment to see her doctor and tells him, "My husband has been complaining that my pussy has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything." The doctor examines her, and then says, "Ma'am, you need an operation." She says, "On my pussy?" He says, "No, on your NOSE!"
=====
How Many?
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, and an unknown number
of hares.
=====
Super dick
There was a young man from Kent
Whose cock was so long that it bent
To save him the trouble
He put it in double
Instead of coming he went
=====
First thing
What was the first thing Adam said when he first saw Eve naked in the
Garden of Eden?
"Stand Back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"
Wronged??
=====
There was a young man from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her,
When they got into bed
He cried, God strike me dead!
This ain't a puss - its a corridor!"
=====
(Daughter )I need three hundred dollars for a prom dress dad.
(Dad ) Well give daddy a blojob and i'll give you the three hundred dollars.
(Daughter ) but Dad.
(Dad ) No honey if you need 300 dollars for a dress you going have to suck daddy's dick.
(Daughter ) Well ok daddy.
As the daughter begins to blo her daddy she suddnely pulls her head away from his dick and says" O Dad your dick taste just like shit !
(Dad ) Yea baby I know your brother needed one hundred dollars to rent a tux.
=====
Two gays are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his prick. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one gay. To which the other replied,
"Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"
=====
What's grosser than gross?
When you ask your grandma what's for dinner and she sits on your face and says tuna.
What's grosser than that?
When you reply saying, I thought I said hold the mayo!
=====
How Many?
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, and an unknown number
of hares.
=====
Super dick
There was a young man from Kent
Whose cock was so long that it bent
To save him the trouble
He put it in double
Instead of coming he went
=====
First thing
What was the first thing Adam said when he first saw Eve naked in the
Garden of Eden?
"Stand Back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"
Wronged??
=====
There was a young man from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her,
When they got into bed
He cried, God strike me dead!
This ain't a puss - its a corridor!"
=====
(Daughter )I need three hundred dollars for a prom dress dad.
(Dad ) Well give daddy a blojob and i'll give you the three hundred dollars.
(Daughter ) but Dad.
(Dad ) No honey if you need 300 dollars for a dress you going have to suck daddy's dick.
(Daughter ) Well ok daddy.
As the daughter begins to blo her daddy she suddnely pulls her head away from his dick and says" O Dad your dick taste just like shit !
(Dad ) Yea baby I know your brother needed one hundred dollars to rent a tux.
=====
Two gays are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his prick. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one gay. To which the other replied,
"Don't you think you ought to pet him first??"
=====
What's grosser than gross?
When you ask your grandma what's for dinner and she sits on your face and says tuna.
What's grosser than that?
When you reply saying, I thought I said hold the mayo!
Greasy Spoon Restaurant
A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. "What's this?!?!?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not payin' for it!" and he storms out... The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells. He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for it EITHER!!!!!"
********
A young American Indian goes up to his father Wild Wind and asks him,
"Father, why is my sister called Riding Horse?" "Because, my son, she
was conceived while we were riding a horse." The boy considers this for
a moment and then asks, "Father, why is my brother called Fearless
Snake?" "Because he was conceived just after your mother and I had
stopped running from an angry snake, my son." The boy's father looks at
him curiously and eventually asks, "But why all these questions, Broken
Condom?"
********
One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."
********
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."
A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. "What's this?!?!?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not payin' for it!" and he storms out... The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells. He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for it EITHER!!!!!"
********
A young American Indian goes up to his father Wild Wind and asks him,
"Father, why is my sister called Riding Horse?" "Because, my son, she
was conceived while we were riding a horse." The boy considers this for
a moment and then asks, "Father, why is my brother called Fearless
Snake?" "Because he was conceived just after your mother and I had
stopped running from an angry snake, my son." The boy's father looks at
him curiously and eventually asks, "But why all these questions, Broken
Condom?"
********
One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."
********
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."
Blow Job ETIQUETTE
WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no damner of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no damner of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
Summers In Florida
I love The Heat
April 30th:
Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a
state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy
evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a
blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
May 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in an
air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun every day like this I'm turning into a real sun
worshipper.
June 5th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE
SHOVELING SNOW EITHER!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 1st:
The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where
are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to
it will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have to
remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of
those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always
wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)
Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the
size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all
over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away.
The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th:
Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the
fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he
needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a
hurricane.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the
swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house
payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th:
100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500
and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost
as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off
the road. I hate this state.
Aug 8th:
If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
tear his head off. Damn heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a roasted
cat!!
Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny.
It's been too hot for two #@*& months and the Weatherman says it might
really warm up next week. And whoever came up with the statement, "it
maybe hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from
heat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this Godforsaken place??
Aug 14th:
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the
window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to
fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to spend the
$1,500 house payment to bail me out jail.
Aug 30th:
Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains
finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove
the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly! The
Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500
windshield.
That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you
have to worry about is getting mugged.
I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.
I love The Heat
April 30th:
Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a
state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy
evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a
blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
May 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, I live in an
air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun every day like this I'm turning into a real sun
worshipper.
June 5th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE
SHOVELING SNOW EITHER!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 1st:
The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where
are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to
it will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I'll have to
remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of
those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always
wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)
Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the
size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all
over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away.
The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th:
Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the
fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he
needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a
hurricane.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the
swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house
payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th:
100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500
and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost
as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off
the road. I hate this state.
Aug 8th:
If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
tear his head off. Damn heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a roasted
cat!!
Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny.
It's been too hot for two #@*& months and the Weatherman says it might
really warm up next week. And whoever came up with the statement, "it
maybe hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from
heat exhaustion. Doesn't it ever rain in this Godforsaken place??
Aug 14th:
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the
window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to
fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to spend the
$1,500 house payment to bail me out jail.
Aug 30th:
Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon rains
finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove
the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could fly! The
Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500
windshield.
That does it, we're moving back to New York where all you
have to worry about is getting mugged.
I hope this state breaks in half and floats to Cuba.
Teeth Down There
A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her.
The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.
"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened.
So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.
By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.
"HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."
"What?? No I don't," she responds.
"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."
"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."
__________
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.
The doctor says to the old man,
"I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?"
So the doctor says it again..
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it,
"I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,
"He needs a pair of your underwear!"
__________
The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, "Where do babies come from?"
Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, "From the stork of course!"
The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, "But mom, who fucks the stork?"
A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her.
The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.
"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened.
So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.
By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.
After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.
"HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."
"What?? No I don't," she responds.
"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."
"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."
__________
Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital.
The doctor says to the old man,
"I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."
The old man says, "What?"
So the doctor says it again..
Once again the old man says, "what?"
So the doctor yells it,
"I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that the old woman turns to the old man and says,
"He needs a pair of your underwear!"
__________
The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, "Where do babies come from?"
Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, "From the stork of course!"
The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, "But mom, who fucks the stork?"
"You Gotta Help Me Doc!"
A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!"
The doctor says, "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole,
give the missus a quick one, then go to work.
I car-pool with the next-door neighbor's wife and she gives me a
blowjob during the ride to work. Once I get to the office I do
some work and then at morning coffee break I go into the
photocopy room and have it off with one of the young office
girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her
a good bonking. For afternoon coffee I give the boss's wife a
good servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.
Then at night I give the missus another screw..."
"Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."
o0o0o0o0o0
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS
GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8.He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1.Beard abrasions on areola.
o0o0o0o0o0
In days of old
when knights were bold
and no one was particular,
They lined them all against the wall
and fucked them perpendicular!
A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!"
The doctor says, "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole,
give the missus a quick one, then go to work.
I car-pool with the next-door neighbor's wife and she gives me a
blowjob during the ride to work. Once I get to the office I do
some work and then at morning coffee break I go into the
photocopy room and have it off with one of the young office
girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her
a good bonking. For afternoon coffee I give the boss's wife a
good servicing. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.
Then at night I give the missus another screw..."
"Well" said the doctor. "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate."
o0o0o0o0o0
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS
GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8.He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1.Beard abrasions on areola.
o0o0o0o0o0
In days of old
when knights were bold
and no one was particular,
They lined them all against the wall
and fucked them perpendicular!
Last edited:
More Things Not To Say In Bed With Someone...
1. You know you want me to.
2. You suck it-like an ice cream cone.
3. You brought the condoms, right?
4. Let's have a flesh fest.
5. What's your last name?
6. I believe in only fivesomes.
7.. Don't tell anybody, OK?
8. The condom is on inside out.
9. You don't believe in bestiality?
10. I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig.
11.. Wait! I need my teddy bear.
12. Let me go wash my face real fast.
13. I've got pussy breath.
14. I'm gonna throw up.
15. But I wanted to bite it.
16. You broke my nail!
17. Have you ever seen Basic Instinct?
18. Are you a virgin?
19. Shooey! You're better than Mom.
20. Do you trust me, I mean, really trust me?
21. I wanna go muff diving.
22. My dad did it differently
23. Huh? I'm sorry. I fell asleep.
24. Who needs birth control?
25. The ceiling needs painting.
26. Swallowing is a lot neater.
27. Oh, baby, you're so good. (Said sarcastically.)
28. Do you mind if I draw blood?
29. Ever lick someone's anus?
30. My ex was much better.
31. How much do I owe you?
32. I can't find the key.
33. What do you mean, you can't find the key?
34. I'm hungry for some hair pie.
35. You don't mind if I film, do you?
36. Can I beat you with my love stick?
37. Where am I?
38. It's Mr. Pastyface!
39. Why don't you just bend over and smile.
40. I forgot to lock the door.
41. Leave the TV on.
42. That's $20 for the first hour, right?
43. I think a blindfold would make you feel better.
44. Do you always smell like that?
45. How about some fellatio?
46. Is it in yet?
47. When was the last time you did this?
48. Cullulite makes me horny.
49. What's your name again?
50. Meet my pet sheep, Stud.
51. Are you done yet?
52. Oh, I've got my period. I forgot. I'm sorry.
53. I thought you were your sister.
54. I thought you'd never climax.
55. Meet Russel the Love Muscle.
56. I'm really really drunk..
57. Your stretch marks turn me on.
58. Did you have an orgasm?
59.. My name is really Andy Dugger.
60. Glad we got that over with.
61. Your cushion lends me to some real good pushin'.
62. If you tell anyone, I'll kill you.
63. If you loved me you would.
64. You mean you're only fourteen?--Yeah.
65. Mr. Head wants some.
66. Ooh, I love small penises.
67. I'm gonna suck your cl-- like a straw.
1. You know you want me to.
2. You suck it-like an ice cream cone.
3. You brought the condoms, right?
4. Let's have a flesh fest.
5. What's your last name?
6. I believe in only fivesomes.
7.. Don't tell anybody, OK?
8. The condom is on inside out.
9. You don't believe in bestiality?
10. I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig.
11.. Wait! I need my teddy bear.
12. Let me go wash my face real fast.
13. I've got pussy breath.
14. I'm gonna throw up.
15. But I wanted to bite it.
16. You broke my nail!
17. Have you ever seen Basic Instinct?
18. Are you a virgin?
19. Shooey! You're better than Mom.
20. Do you trust me, I mean, really trust me?
21. I wanna go muff diving.
22. My dad did it differently
23. Huh? I'm sorry. I fell asleep.
24. Who needs birth control?
25. The ceiling needs painting.
26. Swallowing is a lot neater.
27. Oh, baby, you're so good. (Said sarcastically.)
28. Do you mind if I draw blood?
29. Ever lick someone's anus?
30. My ex was much better.
31. How much do I owe you?
32. I can't find the key.
33. What do you mean, you can't find the key?
34. I'm hungry for some hair pie.
35. You don't mind if I film, do you?
36. Can I beat you with my love stick?
37. Where am I?
38. It's Mr. Pastyface!
39. Why don't you just bend over and smile.
40. I forgot to lock the door.
41. Leave the TV on.
42. That's $20 for the first hour, right?
43. I think a blindfold would make you feel better.
44. Do you always smell like that?
45. How about some fellatio?
46. Is it in yet?
47. When was the last time you did this?
48. Cullulite makes me horny.
49. What's your name again?
50. Meet my pet sheep, Stud.
51. Are you done yet?
52. Oh, I've got my period. I forgot. I'm sorry.
53. I thought you were your sister.
54. I thought you'd never climax.
55. Meet Russel the Love Muscle.
56. I'm really really drunk..
57. Your stretch marks turn me on.
58. Did you have an orgasm?
59.. My name is really Andy Dugger.
60. Glad we got that over with.
61. Your cushion lends me to some real good pushin'.
62. If you tell anyone, I'll kill you.
63. If you loved me you would.
64. You mean you're only fourteen?--Yeah.
65. Mr. Head wants some.
66. Ooh, I love small penises.
67. I'm gonna suck your cl-- like a straw.
Cannibal Head Hunter
A cannibal-head hunter was walking through the Sarawak jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal-head hunter.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
1) Any Tourist: RM 5.00
2) Broiled Korean Missionary: RM 10.00
3) Fried American Explorer: RM 15.00
4) Grilled and baked BARISAN Politician: RM 100.00
The cannibal-head hunter called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a big price difference for the BARISAN Politician's head?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning to prepare it.
A cannibal-head hunter was walking through the Sarawak jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal-head hunter.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
1) Any Tourist: RM 5.00
2) Broiled Korean Missionary: RM 10.00
3) Fried American Explorer: RM 15.00
4) Grilled and baked BARISAN Politician: RM 100.00
The cannibal-head hunter called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a big price difference for the BARISAN Politician's head?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning to prepare it.
BellyButtons
Brent has been in jail for 10 long years. The only thought that gets
him
through the day is women's bellybuttons. He loves 'em. When he's in the
shower, eating a meal, making license plates, sleeping, avoiding anal
rape in the bathroom, that's all he can think about.
So finally, he is released. They give hime sixty-five dollars, a cheap
suit, and send him on his way. He makes an immediate bee-line for the
nearest whorehouse.
Brent walks in and right up to the sleazy-looking guy behind the desk.
"I need to lick a woman's navel!" he shouts. "Sorry, sir," the owner
says. "We don't serve perverts here." Brent grabs the guy by the
throat.
"Listen!" he screams. "I just did ten years hard time, and if I don't
get to lick some bellybuttons, I might just kill
some-motherfuckin'-body!!!"
The owner directs him to a run-down wooden door. He walks through and
sees an ugly, fat woman. That doesn't bother Brent, though, because not
only does she have huge breasts, she has the deepest navel he's ever
seen.
Brent dives in immediately. He licks, and licks, and licks.....and
after
a while, gets a piece of potato stuck in his teeth. 'Hmmm, I don't
remember having potatoes for breakfast,' he thinks, but he keeps on
goin'.
He licks, and licks, and licks.....and after a while, he gets a piece
of
meat stuck in his teeth. 'I know I haven't eaten meat for a while,' he
thinks, but keeps right on goin'.
He licks, and licks, and licks.....and after a while, he gets a piece
of
corn in his teeth. That was the last straw. "I think I'm going to be
sick, he moans."
"That's funny," says the whore. "That's what the last guy said."
********
Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.
Q. Why does a rancher fuck a goat at the end of a cliff?
A. So the goat will push back..
Q. Whats the definition of disgusting?
A. Stuffing a dozen oysters into your granny's cunt and sucking out thirteen.
Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes butt?
A. A brain tumor
Brent has been in jail for 10 long years. The only thought that gets
him
through the day is women's bellybuttons. He loves 'em. When he's in the
shower, eating a meal, making license plates, sleeping, avoiding anal
rape in the bathroom, that's all he can think about.
So finally, he is released. They give hime sixty-five dollars, a cheap
suit, and send him on his way. He makes an immediate bee-line for the
nearest whorehouse.
Brent walks in and right up to the sleazy-looking guy behind the desk.
"I need to lick a woman's navel!" he shouts. "Sorry, sir," the owner
says. "We don't serve perverts here." Brent grabs the guy by the
throat.
"Listen!" he screams. "I just did ten years hard time, and if I don't
get to lick some bellybuttons, I might just kill
some-motherfuckin'-body!!!"
The owner directs him to a run-down wooden door. He walks through and
sees an ugly, fat woman. That doesn't bother Brent, though, because not
only does she have huge breasts, she has the deepest navel he's ever
seen.
Brent dives in immediately. He licks, and licks, and licks.....and
after
a while, gets a piece of potato stuck in his teeth. 'Hmmm, I don't
remember having potatoes for breakfast,' he thinks, but he keeps on
goin'.
He licks, and licks, and licks.....and after a while, he gets a piece
of
meat stuck in his teeth. 'I know I haven't eaten meat for a while,' he
thinks, but keeps right on goin'.
He licks, and licks, and licks.....and after a while, he gets a piece
of
corn in his teeth. That was the last straw. "I think I'm going to be
sick, he moans."
"That's funny," says the whore. "That's what the last guy said."
********
Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.
Q. Why does a rancher fuck a goat at the end of a cliff?
A. So the goat will push back..
Q. Whats the definition of disgusting?
A. Stuffing a dozen oysters into your granny's cunt and sucking out thirteen.
Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes butt?
A. A brain tumor
70 Things Not To Say To A Man Who Is Penis-Impaired~
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
4. I'm sorry.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a night crawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27.. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won't take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done..
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does thiis run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!!
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Why can't you be more like Buffalo?
BEER VS PUSSY
*A beer is always wet.
*A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
*A beer tastes horrible served hot.
*A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
*Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
*Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
*Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
*Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.
*If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
*24 beers come in a box.
*A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.
*Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
*If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
*If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
*If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
*6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
*6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy
*Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
*Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
*It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football
game.
*You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy
*If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
*If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy
*With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
*Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.
*Pussy can make you see God.
*Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy
*If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
*If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy
*Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
*Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
*If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
*If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw
*If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
*If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
*If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.
*The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
*The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
*Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
*Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw
*Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
*Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.
*The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
*It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.
*A beer is always wet.
*A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
*A beer tastes horrible served hot.
*A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.
*Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
*Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
*Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
*Pussy does not.
Advantage: Draw.
*If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy
*24 beers come in a box.
*A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.
*Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
*If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
*If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
*If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
*6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
*6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy
*Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
*Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
*It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football
game.
*You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy
*If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
*If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy
*With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
*Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.
*Pussy can make you see God.
*Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Advantage: Pussy
*If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
*If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy
*Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
*Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.
*If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
*If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw
*If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
*If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
*If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.
*The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.
*The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
*Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
*Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw
*Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
*Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.
*The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.
*It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.
Paleface
A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the chief.
"How's about letting me have one of your women for a little while?"
asked the paleface.
The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"
"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn," said the paleface.
"A bag of corn huh," replied the chief.
The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that woman
there into my teepee," he said.
So the paleface took the woman into the teepee where she took all her
clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this and
said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."
The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her pussy saying,
"This money hole." Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to her
ass saying, "This corn hole."
~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^
How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
How is a woman like a computer?
You don't really appreciate them until they go down on you.
What's the difference between mayonnaise and semen?
Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a woman's throat at thirty miles an
hour.
Why did God give men penises?
So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why do women have foreheads?
So men have a place to kiss them after they suck our cocks.
What's the definition of a perfect woman?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that
you can put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and, at midnight, turns into a
roast beef sandwich and a six pack.
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What are the three reasons why anal sex is better than vaginal?
It's warmer, it's tighter and it's more degrading to women.
~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^
The teacher hears Johnny cussing, so she gets pissed off and goes
bitching to Johnny's father. She comes to Johnny's house and notices
Little Johnny fucking a goat in the yard.
She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son! Your son!
He cussed in school and now, now he's being carnal with a goat in the
yard!"
"Son of a bitch! Today is my turn!" shouted his father.
~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^
A woman was on her way home from the market carrying a duck. A drunk
staggered up to her and said,"Hey! where'd ja get that pig?"
The woman haughtily replied," You drunken ass, that's no pig -- it's a
duck!"
And the drunk said," Shut the fuck up, I was talking to the duck."
~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^
Little Johnny is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch
shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk
behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing,
unzips his pants, flops his cock out and places it on the counter.
"What are you doing, Sir?" she asks. "This is a clock shop!!"
Little Johnny replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face
put on this!"
~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^
Two men were discussing how tight ass cold their wives were regarding
sex. The first fellow says "My wife's so cold I can put a glass of water
in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice."
The second fellow says "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs
the furnace kicks in!"
A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he met the chief.
"How's about letting me have one of your women for a little while?"
asked the paleface.
The chief responded, "How much money do you have?"
"I don't have any money but I have this bag of corn," said the paleface.
"A bag of corn huh," replied the chief.
The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal. "Take that woman
there into my teepee," he said.
So the paleface took the woman into the teepee where she took all her
clothes off and laid down on her stomach. The paleface saw this and
said, "No, you have to turn over onto your back."
The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her pussy saying,
"This money hole." Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to her
ass saying, "This corn hole."
~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^
How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
How is a woman like a computer?
You don't really appreciate them until they go down on you.
What's the difference between mayonnaise and semen?
Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a woman's throat at thirty miles an
hour.
Why did God give men penises?
So they'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why do women have foreheads?
So men have a place to kiss them after they suck our cocks.
What's the definition of a perfect woman?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that
you can put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and, at midnight, turns into a
roast beef sandwich and a six pack.
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What are the three reasons why anal sex is better than vaginal?
It's warmer, it's tighter and it's more degrading to women.
~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^
The teacher hears Johnny cussing, so she gets pissed off and goes
bitching to Johnny's father. She comes to Johnny's house and notices
Little Johnny fucking a goat in the yard.
She walks in the house and screams to his father "Your son! Your son!
He cussed in school and now, now he's being carnal with a goat in the
yard!"
"Son of a bitch! Today is my turn!" shouted his father.
~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^
A woman was on her way home from the market carrying a duck. A drunk
staggered up to her and said,"Hey! where'd ja get that pig?"
The woman haughtily replied," You drunken ass, that's no pig -- it's a
duck!"
And the drunk said," Shut the fuck up, I was talking to the duck."
~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^
Little Johnny is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch
shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk
behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing,
unzips his pants, flops his cock out and places it on the counter.
"What are you doing, Sir?" she asks. "This is a clock shop!!"
Little Johnny replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face
put on this!"
~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^
Two men were discussing how tight ass cold their wives were regarding
sex. The first fellow says "My wife's so cold I can put a glass of water
in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice."
The second fellow says "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs
the furnace kicks in!"
A Newlywed Couple
A newlywed couple were looking to decorate their new house. Whilst
bargain hunting, they found an unusual mirror, which the shop owner
states is "magical".
The couple buy the mirror, and place it on the back of their bedroom
door.
One day the wife decided to test the mirror out, and whilst looking
into the mirror said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my boobs size 44."
And lo and behold it came true! She ran down the stairs to show her
husband, who was utterly amazed. He proceeded to run up to the
bedroom,
and whilst looking in the mirror he said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my manhood touch the floor."
And then his legs fell off.
=====
Two men were at a baseball game when one man looked over his
shoulder and spotted a woman sitting several rows behind them.
He nudged his buddy and said, "Hey, look up there, that lady is
not wearing panties!"
"Naw," came the reply, "she's got black lace panties on."
"No!" replied the first man, "that's the real thing!"
After arguing back and forth, they made a bet and asked the
vendor if he wanted to make a fast buck. The first man said,
"Hey buddy, go up there and see if it's the real thing or black
lace panties."
The vendor goes up, grabs a quick look and runs back to the two
men.
"Well," asked the first man, "isn't it the real thing?"
"Nope." came the reply from the vendor.
"Then I was right, she has black lace panties on, right?"
"Nope." came the reply again.
"For Pete's sake, man," yelled the first man, "it's got to be
one or the other!"
"Nope," replied the vendor. "It's flies."
=====
Mommy, Mommy! I hate Daddy's guts!
Well push them aside and eat your vegetables.
Mommy, Mommy! can I have a bike for Christmas?
Shut up son, you already have your wheelchair.
Mommy, Mommy! Who will I stay with while you are gone?
Grandma Dear, now get in the coffin.
A newlywed couple were looking to decorate their new house. Whilst
bargain hunting, they found an unusual mirror, which the shop owner
states is "magical".
The couple buy the mirror, and place it on the back of their bedroom
door.
One day the wife decided to test the mirror out, and whilst looking
into the mirror said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my boobs size 44."
And lo and behold it came true! She ran down the stairs to show her
husband, who was utterly amazed. He proceeded to run up to the
bedroom,
and whilst looking in the mirror he said:
"Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my manhood touch the floor."
And then his legs fell off.
=====
Two men were at a baseball game when one man looked over his
shoulder and spotted a woman sitting several rows behind them.
He nudged his buddy and said, "Hey, look up there, that lady is
not wearing panties!"
"Naw," came the reply, "she's got black lace panties on."
"No!" replied the first man, "that's the real thing!"
After arguing back and forth, they made a bet and asked the
vendor if he wanted to make a fast buck. The first man said,
"Hey buddy, go up there and see if it's the real thing or black
lace panties."
The vendor goes up, grabs a quick look and runs back to the two
men.
"Well," asked the first man, "isn't it the real thing?"
"Nope." came the reply from the vendor.
"Then I was right, she has black lace panties on, right?"
"Nope." came the reply again.
"For Pete's sake, man," yelled the first man, "it's got to be
one or the other!"
"Nope," replied the vendor. "It's flies."
=====
Mommy, Mommy! I hate Daddy's guts!
Well push them aside and eat your vegetables.
Mommy, Mommy! can I have a bike for Christmas?
Shut up son, you already have your wheelchair.
Mommy, Mommy! Who will I stay with while you are gone?
Grandma Dear, now get in the coffin.
A Poem For Us....
I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify
any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.
I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Look at me you idiot...
Not at my chest????
I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.
DON'T call me a GIRL ,
a BABE or a CHICK .
I am a WOMAN.
Get it, DICK?
:":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":"
In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs
called Philip. One day after school, Johnny goes round his house and knocks
on the door. Philip's mother answers the door, and says, "Yes Johnny, what
can I do for you?"
"Can Philip come out? - we're all skipping in the park"
Philip's mum says, "But Johnny, you know he's got no arms or legs."
"Yeah, I know," says little Johnny, "I just want to see his stumps bleed."
:":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":"
I shave my legs,
I sit down to pee.
And I can justify
any shopping spree.
Don't go to a barber,
but a beauty salon.
I can get a massage
without a hard-on.
I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends,
about the size of my ass.
My beauty's a masterpiece,
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit,
to others when I'm wrong.
I don't drive in circles,
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem,
admitting I'm lost.
I never forget,
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.
I don't watch movies,
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay,
to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.
Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!
Flowers are okay,
But jewelry's best.
Look at me you idiot...
Not at my chest????
I don't have a problem,
With Expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.
DON'T call me a GIRL ,
a BABE or a CHICK .
I am a WOMAN.
Get it, DICK?
:":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":"
In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs
called Philip. One day after school, Johnny goes round his house and knocks
on the door. Philip's mother answers the door, and says, "Yes Johnny, what
can I do for you?"
"Can Philip come out? - we're all skipping in the park"
Philip's mum says, "But Johnny, you know he's got no arms or legs."
"Yeah, I know," says little Johnny, "I just want to see his stumps bleed."
:":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":":"
What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!
What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends... [LOL!!!]
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
Define "Egghead "
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How cum?"
What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
What do you call a truck load of vibrator?
Toys for Twats.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.
Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in...definitely!
Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.
There's no business like show business,
but there's no job like a blowjob.
Have you heard about that blind hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!
What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs,
but you come in one, and go in the other!
How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have cockpits.
What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
Goes-in-tight!
What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends... [LOL!!!]
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
Define "Egghead "
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
"How cum?"
What's the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
What do you call a truck load of vibrator?
Toys for Twats.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.
Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
What's the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're in...definitely!
Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.
There's no business like show business,
but there's no job like a blowjob.
Have you heard about that blind hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!
What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They're both filled with stiffs,
but you come in one, and go in the other!
How are airplanes and women alike?
They both have cockpits.
What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
It's not hard.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
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