JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Pronounced Dead

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare
the body for the undertaker.

Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with
the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes
off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled
the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in
and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE
surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get
pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"

"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's
dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants
you." And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but
soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally
climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was
astonished to feel the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his
eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you
were dead!" "Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me
that blood transfusion."

 

[melody]

Pussies Galore


SHORTCHANGED PUSSY:
When the woman is extremely sexy and beautiful. She moves the right way
and oozes sensuality. When it comes to sex, she has no clue. The very
thought of stroking this Pussy can make you cum before its time. She
talks a good game but Cannot walk the talk. Kissing her is like
watching a cartoon. When she tries to guide your dick into her pussy,
she cuts it with her nails. By the time you get another boner, her
pussy is dry and feels like sandpaper. By the time you get it in, you find
out that your dick is too big for her short pussy. When you go to lick
the pussy you find out that it is a little tart and now you start
thinking to yourself, "How can such a fine woman be so feeble?"
Undaunted, you decide that you're going to make the best of a bad
situation and get your rocks off when she says "Don't cum in me because
I'm not taking anything."
~~~~~


SWEET LIPS:
This is substitute pussy. She sucks major dick. She sucks it so good
that your knees buckle. It was good enough to make you look for
something to hold onto. She can suck the chrome off of a car's bumper.
Then she slips your dick into her pussy and you realize that her mouth
was much better. You try to maneuver your dick back to her mouth any way
you can. This time you find something to hold onto -- her head --
because you now know that her Pussy is really a kitten and not yet ready
for prime time.
~~~~~


YES M'AM PUSSY:
This is the kind of pussy your mother warned you about. This pussy is
often misjudged because of the owners meek mannerisms. She is quiet,
reserved, caters to your every whim and shows no inkling of the treasure
that lies between her thighs. She seems to be a scholarly type but not
quite prudish. You think to yourself, "I'm gonna tear this pussy up,"
only to find that she was only playing possum. You were so caught off
guard that your whole fuck plan needed instant revision. She was your
equal having as much game as you. You must give her propers realizing
that you came within a bat's eyelash of having your brains fucked out.
Gentleman, be wary of this pussy and be prepared. Your best defense is a
good offense and a long stiff thick dick with staying power.
~~~~~


THUNDER THIGHS PUSSY:
(THE PUSSY YOU'RE GETTING FROM SOMEONE WHO IS NOT YOUR WOMAN)
Men who have cheated on their woman temporarily can say, "AMEN" to this
class of pussy. Men, this is the class of pussy that makes you cry and
confess to your woman you fucked someone else. The Thunder Thighs pussy
made you want to tell somebody. Thunder Thighs pussy is in a class of
its own. Thunder Thighs pussy will make you look and feel different
about the pussy you got at home. Thunder Thighs pussy makes you bust
several nuts (i.e., multiple orgasms). Makes you cry and you have no
clue to why. This pussy is so intense, when it is wrapped around your
dick it sends you into a trance. She has a smooth, undulating motion,
constantly asks you if your comfortable, you started at 6PM and it is
now going on 9PM and she is not tired and her pussy ain't sloppy yet.
She sucks on your dick as if she was a baby sucking on a pacifier, she
savors it like you're the main course meal. She sensuously flicks the
head of your dick with her tongue like a lollipop. By now you're in
shock and forget about your woman. When you're back with your woman,
you're wondering why she can't perform like Thunder Thighs pussy. You
even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct her to do what Thunder
thighs did to you.
~~~~~


THE STALKER PUSSY:
This is the pussy that pisses you off the most. You see, the woman you
boned for a fling or as a favor keeps coming back like a bad cold. If
she has a bad day at work, she "stalks your dick." If she has a bad
meal, "she stalks your dick." If she has a bad hair day, she "stalks
your dick." If she sees an ex, she "stalks your dick." No what, she
"stalks your dick." It is easy to tell if the woman you're with falls
into this category. She always uses phrases like these when she is
fucking you: "DON'T RUN FROM THIS PUSSY." "AIN'T THIS SOME SWEET PUSSY?"
"TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS PUSSY." "WHAT IS MY NAME?" "WHO'S DICK IS THIS?"
"TALK TO ME DADDY, I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKING SHIT NOW," and finally, "YOU
LIKE WHEN YOU IN THIS PUSSY AND WHIPPIN' IT!"
~~~~~


TUNA PUSSY:
This is the pussy that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. You can
recognize it easily because she may have cats swarming around her or
everybody at the local pub knows her name. When you walk into a room,
you know she is there or was there. This is dangerous pussy. The problem
is that the babe is fine and you ain't had no pussy in a long while. The
dog in you wants some pussy. You know that this pussy is experienced and
could put a hurt on you in more ways than one. This is the pussy you
don't want anyone to know you sampled. You DON'T EAT this pussy. After
you sample this pussy, you immediately take a shower or at the very
least scrub your dick in the sink with some disinfectant.
~~~~~


WATERING HOLE PUSSY:
This is good convenient pussy. Easy pussy. Pussy you can call when your
body needs a fix. She gives you major head like SWEET LIPS PUSSY, and
fucks you like THUNDER THIGHS PUSSY. Only thing is, you do not have a
woman so you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this pussy is
ready. Her pussy craves your dick. This pussy is available in any place
at anytime.
~~~~~


GODDAMN PUSSY:
Men, now this is pussy that will definitely send you to hell if you're
not married to it. This pussy is just like YES M'AM PUSSY and THUNDER
THIGHS PUSSY. Her pussy is snug-not too tight-and juicy. She can
accommodate larger than average size dick. She has good control of her
pussy muscles which can make any size dick feel at home. This pussy
makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time. While you are giving
it to her doggy style or with you laying down and she sits on top of
you, you look towards the heavens and say, "GODDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD
PUSSY!!"
~~~~~


AMAZON PUSSY:
Gentlemen, this is the gold mine pussy. This pussy is the pussy that you
commit yourself too. You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept
secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for this pussy. When you
get this pussy, you go through convulsions. This is the pussy that makes
you READY even when you ain't. You call in sick from work for it. This
pussy is so major it is YES M'AM PUSSY, WATERING HOLE PUSSY, THUNDER
THIGHS PUSSY and GODDAMN PUSSY all in one. This is the pussy that you
want to put insurance on, just in case anything should happen to it.
This pussy makes you stutter while, speaking and has you nervous for no
reason!!!!

 

[melody]

Safe Sex Tips

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a
matter of life or death. Here are some valuable tips
to help you "play it safe":

* Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens
for cash, then buy the crack directly.

* Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay;
resultant loss of erection will prevent potential
unsafe sex.

* Wash hands thoroughly before fisting goat.

* Under no circumstances should you give CPR to a stranger.

* Avoid dipping penis in buckets of AIDS-infected blood.

* Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in
the clergy from harm."

* Pull out cat's teeth before pouring gravy over vagina.

* Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow
anyone to get to third base with you.

* Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried
and scabbed over before use.

* When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an
equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of
CHI imbalance.

* Stock up on free safe-sex pamphlets at local health clinic;
use them to make paper-mache genital wrap.

* Before fellating anonymous man in back room of gay bar,
be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

* Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before
penetrating ape.

* You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue
before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

* To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

* Avoid talking to homosexuals at all costs.

* If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand
to hope for the best.

O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0

Q: What does an elephant use as a tampon?
A: A Sheep

Q: What does an elephant use as a vibrator?
A: An epileptic pygmy

Q: What's green with 15 breasts?
A: The wheelie bin behind the breast cancer clinic.

 

[melody]

Pronounced Dead

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on
arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare
the body for the undertaker.

Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with
the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes
off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled
the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in
and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE
surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get
pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"

"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's
dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants
you." And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but
soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally
climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was
astonished to feel the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his
eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you
were dead!" "Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me
that blood transfusion."

********

A researcher is doing a study on the sexual habits of trailer park
denizens in Alabama. He finds one family with 12 kids, and decides to
ask the mother some questions.

"Ma'am," he asks, "Don't take this the wrong way, but do you know
anything about contraceptives?" "What the hell're yu a talkin' bout?"
is her dumbfounded reply.

"Okay, well, for instance... what do you and your husband use when
you're having sex? Do you use condoms? A diaphragm? IUD?"

"Nah," she replies. "We get along fine just a usin' my ol'man's dick!"

 

[melody]

Rules For Men

1. Thou shalt not rent the movie Chocolate.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

4. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits
forever.

6. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every
point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In
fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional.

9. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying
to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your
good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to
speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

10. Before ****** a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and
he, in return, is required to grant it.

11. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

12. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem-you didn't see nothin'.

13. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

14. (Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after
you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers
(Dutch Oven) for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially
your girlfriend.

15. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.

16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

17. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must
jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have
caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin'", then you
may sit back and enjoy.

18. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and
we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both. That's just plain mean.

20. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing:
either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a
nod is all the conversation you need.

21. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not
join him...too gay.

22. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt
one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and
deliver a "FUCKOFF!" You are absolved of your responsibility.

23. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is
no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.

 

[melody]

Women's Smarts

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman

 

[speedy3210]

What goes through the mind of female or male, when someone says "Let's go for a drink"?

 

[melody]

Q. What would you get if you crossed a boy with a Catholic priest?
A. One happy priest.

Q. Why didn't Superman save the Twin Towers?
A. Because he's a quadriplegic.

Q. What's 3 feet tall and gives great head?
A. Your son.

Q. How do you re-fit an old whore?
A. Shove a five pound ham up her pussy and pull out the bone.

Q. Why did Hitler kill himself?
A. He got his gas bill.

Q. What should you do if your epileptic grandma is having a seizure in the bathtub?
A. Throw in some Tide and a load of dirty clothes.

Q. How did the john know how many times his favorite whore had gotten fucked that night?
A. He drank her douche and counted the lumps as they went down.

Q. What's the definition of gross?
A. Licking the sweat off your grandpa's back as you fuck him in the ass.

Q. What's gross?
A. When you're eating cornflakes, and your brother asks what happened to his scab collection.

Q. How did Helen Keller lose her virginity?
A. Her parents accidentally left the plunger in the toilet.

Q. What's the difference between mono and herpes?
A. You get mono when you snatch a kiss.

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace

Q: Whats small, brown, and spits ?
A: Baby in a frying pan

Q : What's got 2 legs and bleeds?
A : Half a dog.

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them

Q: What did the Jewish pedophile say to the little boy once he was in the car?
A: "Hey, go easy on the candy!"

Q. Why do women have legs?
A. So they don't leave snail trails.

Q. What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
A. Both of their last hits were The Wall.

Q: Why does a necrophiliac wait six weeks before he fucks a stiff ?
A: Because then he can stick in it anywhere he likes.

Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?
A: It depends on how hard you throw them.

Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia.

Q. Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?
A. They're both looking for dead beaver.

Q. How does a gay guy fake an orgasm?
A. Stands behind his partner and throws warm yogurt on his back.

Q. How many "Sickest Sites" fans does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. One, but it takes an entire emergency room to get it out.

 

[melody]

Fart Glossary

ART FART= it's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.

ARROGANT FART= When you think your farts don't stink.

ASSUALT FART= A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.

TIRE FART= You can't control the blow out.

BEER FARTS= These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer.

JAIL FART= Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.

DONKEY FART= Your ass is the only one that can do it.

GHOST FART= You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.

HOME ALONE FART= When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.

SHOE FART= When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.

TANK FART= When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.

OLD FART= You know how old it is by how bad it smells.

BRAIN FART= You need to fart, but nothing comes out.

ALZHEIMER FART= A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.

NOT-ME FART= When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"

U.F.O. FART= When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".

********

Q: What do you call a herd of masturbating bulls?
A: Beef strokin' off.

Q: What do you do if you have a condom with a hole in it in one pocket,
and a rattlesnake in the other pocket?
A: I don't know, but I wouldn't fuck with either one.

Q: What's the difference between movie theater refreshments
and movies at a police stag party?
A: One is popcorn, the other is cop porn.

 

[melody]

The Elderly Couple

Morris, an elderly gentleman and woman met at a nursing home where they
both had taken residence. They enjoyed each other's company a great
deal, often ate their meals together, and talked throughout the day.

One morning during breakfast, Morris said to the woman, "You know
Sherry, you and I are still in pretty good health and enjoy visiting
with each other. I have an offer to make you.

"Yes?" Sherry replied.

"How about if we get together tonight and, you know, have sex? I'd even
be willing to compensate you $50 for your time. We deserve a little
pleasure." he said.

While she wasn't exactly sure what a "pleasure" it would be, the woman
decided that she could use the $50 and said, "OK Morris. Meet me in my
room at 11:00 tonight."

That night the man showed up promptly at 11pm. After the activities
were completed, Morris was getting dressed. As he pulled out his wallet, he
said, "Wow, that was great. And ,gee, if I had known that you were
still a virgin, I would have been willing to offer $100 for the evening."

"Yeah?" she replied, "And if I thought that you could still get it up,
I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

 

[melody]

A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his
gorgeous, sexy very blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he
brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband,
winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get
horny."

A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the
garbage.
"Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should
use it in my place when I'm gone."

"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled all my fillings
loose."

 

[melody]

The Dead Frog

Little boy walks into a whorehouse with a dead frog in one hand, and a wad of bills in the other. He goes up to the counter and says
" I want 10 minutes with the filthiest, nastiest whore you've got in here" The lady at the counter says
"How old are you?" The little boy lays 500 bucks on the counter.
She says " First door on your right."
He says, " She has to have herpes and syphillis"
Lady says " I'm sorry but I can't do that"
Little boy slams 500 dollars more on the counter.
Lady says, "Okay, Second to last door on your right."
10 minutes later the little boy comes out, dragging the dead frog behind him.
As he leaves the lady says "Why are you dragging a dead frog behind you? And for that matter, why did you want such a filthy whore?" The little boy says " Well, now that I've got these STD's I'll go home and screw the babysitter tonight, then when dad gets home he'll screw her too and he'll get it. Then before dad goes to work he'll screw mommy, and she'll get it. Then while daddy's at work mommy'll screw that sonovabitch mailman that ran over my frog this morning!!"

 

[melody]

Two redneck boys are sitting in their redneck class one day when they
realize they can see straight up their teacher's skirt and she wasn't
wearing any underwear..

One says to the other "What do you suppose those little
brown things are? They look like raisins. She musta had
raisins at lunch and dropped some in her lap."

The other says "Naw - them's dung balls from the way women
wipe their asses."

"Nope - them's raisins."

Finally, they approach the teacher and ask her. "Johnny says them things
around your snatch is raisins and I say they're dung balls from the way
you wipe your ass. Which one's right?"

"Neither, replied the teacher kindly. "They're flies."

 

[melody]

What Men Shouldn't Say After Sex

1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"

4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"

5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?"

11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday
night or something?"

14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"

16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"

17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?"

18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in
there!"

 

[melody]

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb.
The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl
has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the
night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk
to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."

 

[melody]

Reading A Book

There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready
for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he
was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling
with her pussy.
He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to
reading his book.
The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your
gear off?".
The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was
foreplay for something a bit heavier"
The husband said, "No, not at all".
The wife then asked," Well, what were you doing then?".
"Oh", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the
pages in my book!."

______

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full
and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"
"Well, as a matter of fact there s. I need you to give him a message"
she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper
in the ladies room."

 

[melody]

Little Suzy

Little Susie was walking up the stairs in church one day. As the priest
was walking by, he looked up and noticed that Little Susie was not
wearing any panties. He called her over and gave her $20 and said,
"Little Susie, take this money and buy yourself some panties. It's not
good to walk around without any panties on."

Little Susie then went home and gave the money to her mother and asked
her mother to buy panties for her.

When her mother asked where Little Susie got the money from, Little
Susie explained what happened.

Upon hearing how Little Susie got the money, her mother rushed to her
room, whipped off her panties, and put on one of her shortest dresses.
Then she ran out to the church. As soon as she saw the priest coming,
she began to walk up the stairs.

The priest noticed her and called her down.

Little Susie's mother did not want to show that she was expecting
anything, so she walked back to the priest very calmly.

The priest then gave her $1 and said, "Take this money and for God's
Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"

 

[melody]

What's the difference between a sheep and a door?
You can't bang a door in the middle of a field.

What's the difference between an ironing board and a blonde?
It's hard to get an ironing board's legs open.

Q. Why are they having so much trouble finding a cure for AIDS?
A. The scientists can't get the little mice to butt fuck.

Definition of an Aeroplane Blonde:
A woman who has bleached her hair but she still has a black box.

What is 6.9?
A delightful activity interrupted by a period.


~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~


There once was a girl named Jill
Who used dynamite for a thrill
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pig shit and snot
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat

 

[melody]

Female Gorillas

There were two guys that worked at the Zoo. One guy was named Larry,
and the other guy was named Joe. Well, one day, Larry bet Joe $500 to
go have sex with one of the female gorillas.

"Hell no," was Joe's first reply.

"Come on man! It's $500!! And besides, we'll have her feet and arms
tied down, and she'll have a muzzle on, so she can't get to ya!" Larry
urged Joe.

After thinking a bit, Joe replied, "Well... I guess. Heck, it is $500.
Who could turn that down?"

So they put Joe and the horniest gorilla they had in a room together.
Sure enough, the gorilla had chains on, and a muzzle.

Joe got it going.. at first going a little slow, then picking up his
pace. Just then, the gorilla's feet broke loose from the chains, and
wrapped around Joe's hips. A few minutes later, the gorilla's arms
broke loose and wrapped around Joe. Just then, Joe started yelling.

Larry came running in, out of breath, panting, "What?? What's the matter?
Do you want us to chain her up again?!" To this Joe replied,

"Hell no! Take this muzzle off so I can kiss the bitch!!!"

====================
Q: What is the definition of Gross?
A1: Kissing your grandmother and she slips you the tongue.
A2: Biting into a hot dog and it has veins.
A3: When you throw your undies at the wall, and they stick.
A4: You're sitting on you grandfather's lap and he pop a boner.
A5: Your little brother has lost his scab collection and you're
eating his corn flakes.
A6: Finding a string in your bloody mary.
====================
There once was this bum fucking faggot!
He'd see anything male, and he'd shag it!
One day he fucked the wrong ass
Now he's pushing up grass
And his only mate is a maggot!

 

[melody]

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Dave, you're a vet..."

========================================

Hickory Dickory Dock
The bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
And dropped the bitch off at the next block!

========================================

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse you go between periods and you are expected to come.

========================================

Mary Mary Rhyme
Mary Mary quite contrary shaved her pussy cause it was so damn hairy.

========================================

Little Bow Peep

Little bow peep fucked a sheep
blew a horse, licked his feet,
she ate his ass so very nice
tongued his balls not once but twice

========================================

Some idiot walks into a bar with a pile of shit in his hands and
says,"Look what I almost stepped in!"

========================================

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

========================================

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

========================================

Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can't?
A. Cum in five different flavours.

========================================

Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.

========================================

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

========================================

How do you know when the wife is taking too many steroids?
You come home one evening
She strips you
Throws you on the couch
And fucks you up the ass with her clitoris