JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Whore House Sale Slogans

~*~ More Fuck for your Buck!

~*~ More Honey for your Money!

~*~ More Gash for your Cash!

~*~ More Hole for your Pole!

~*~ More Head for your Bread!

~*~ More Booty for your Looty!

~*~ More Strange for your Change!

~*~ She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!

~*~ Will suck for a buck!

 

[melody]

A gourmet's delight is Priscilla
For her breath's a distinct sarsaparilla.
One breast tastes like thyme
The other is lime
And her vaginal flavor's vanilla.

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
Wiping sperm from his chin
If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it.

A spastic who never could come,
Was rubbing her clit with her thumb.
But she had a strong spasm
When she reached her orgasm,
That rendered her deaf, blind and dumb.

Once a young and devout holy roller,
Had a boy friend attempt to console her.
She'd gone down on his cock,
That was hard as a rock...
Chipped a tooth, plus she knocked out a molar.

 

[melody]

Sandpaper Sally

An overworked sailor comes in to port from a long journey and is eager
to get laid. He goes to the local whorehouse where he demands the finest
whore.

He is disappointed when the madam tells him that she is booked. The
sailor cannot accept the denial and demands satisfaction. The madam
feels bad and suggests the last resort-Sandpaper Sally!

The sailor happy as can be shrieks out, "I'll take it!" He goes to the
room where Sandpaper Sally is and to his delight is impressed with her.

He begins drilling her like a mad man but after awhile his dick begins
to burn. He pulls out and notices his dick is as raw as hamburger. The
sailor asks, "Lady what's wrong with your pussy its so dry?"

Sandpaper Sally replies, "Hang on just a minute" and goes to the
bathroom. Upon her return the sailor puts it in and commences drilling.
With a smile ear to ear the sailor jests, "that's more like it!" as his
cock glides in and out of this very wet box. Just before climax the
sailor says, "Hey baby how'd you get so wet?"

She replies, "I just went in the bathroom pick my scabs and let the pus
run!!!"

 

[melody]

Sex Education

Mother: Do you know the meaning of Mangalsutra ???

Daughter: Yes! its license to enjoy KAMASUTRA !!!!!!!!!!

 

[melody]

Ladies Hostel caught fire >>>>>>>>>

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Just in one hour the fire was controlled

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BUT

It took three hours to bring the fireman under control !!!!!!!!!

 

[melody]

Share Market

IQ ?? For persons having invested in shares/mutual fund.


What does PMS stand for
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"PENIS MUST SUFFER"

 

[melody]

Old age marriage

When a man of 60 years marries a girl of 21
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Its like buying books for friends to read !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[melody]

The Bar Story

This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel.

He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death. However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully.

He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really.
There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.
Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real ------- when you're drunk!"

 

[melody]

Miserable guy in the bar

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.

Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one. “Whew”, the bartender remarked, “you seem to be in a hurry.”

“You would be too if you had what I have.”

“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asked.

“Fifty cents.”

 

[melody]

Control Over Wife

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” They asked. She said, “get out from under the bed and fight like a man”.

 

[melody]

Time To Go Home

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

 

[melody]

Sign Next to Beer:A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the toilet.

He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I have spit in this beer, do not drink!”.

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

 

[melody]

These two guys were talking how they wanted to die. One said he wanted to die in his sleep so he wouldn't have any pain. The other said he wanted to die like a rat. His friend said," how's that? " He said, "I wanna jump in bed and let that pussy eat me up."

 

[melody]

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?" The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try... On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it up your upper thigh. When your husband enters you for the first time, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping." The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for it. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby screams... "What the heck was that!!?" The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping". The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!!"

 

[melody]

The Lone Ranger And Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping on the prairie. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise,it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit, someone has stolen tent!

 

[melody]

Fair Jennifer's hair is beyond compare.
Her eyes are bright, brown, and shiny.
Her lips are divine,
In fact, she'd be fine...
If only her tits weren't so tiny!

 

[melody]

The New Psychiatric Hotline

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a
representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,
date of birth, national insurance number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too
busy to talk to you.

A recently heard recorded message:
"Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are Obsessive-
Compulsive, please press one repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press two.

If you have multiple personalities, please press three, four, five
and six.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you what number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer."

 

[melody]

Who is the Boss?

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The Brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.

So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the Feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!


Management Lesson:

You don't need brains to be a Boss - Any Asshole will do.

 

[melody]

Doll Secretary

A man comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work for the day.
The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll." Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient."
The daughter thinks for a minute and then replies, "Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down."

 

[melody]

Alcoholism

Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism.
At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one remarked to the other, "Gee, Sam sure look good, doesn't he?"
The other replied, "Well, he ought to; he hasn't had a drink in 3 days."