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On Halloween, this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden red hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an witch, and was just delightful. The woman said, "What are you supposed
to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says...
"Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little witch is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little witch looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says... "Thanks lady, you just boke my fu--in' cookies!"
to say sweetheart?" The little girl looks up at the woman and says...
"Twick or Tweat!" The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time." Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!" The husband agrees with his wife, this little witch is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag. The little witch looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says... "Thanks lady, you just boke my fu--in' cookies!"
Halloween Party
A Black man and his wife are going to a Halloween party in a couple of
days, so the husband asks his wife to go to the store and get costumes
for them to wear.
When he comes home that night, he goes into the bedroom and finds, laid
out on the bed, a Superman costume.
The husband calls to his wife, "What are you doing, honey?" he says.
"Have you ever heard of a Black Superman? Can you take this back and get
me something else to wear?"
The next day, the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a
replacement. The husband comes home from work and goes into the bedroom.
There, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.
He yells to his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a
Black Batman? Take this shit back and get me something I can wear to the
costume party!"
The next morning, his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes
home again from work, he finds there, laid out on the bed, three items:
one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt,
and the third item is a 2X4 piece of wood.
The husband yells again to his wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells right back, "Take your clothes off. You can put these
three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't
like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as a an Oreo cookie.
And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2X4 up your ass and go
as a fudgesicle."
A Black man and his wife are going to a Halloween party in a couple of
days, so the husband asks his wife to go to the store and get costumes
for them to wear.
When he comes home that night, he goes into the bedroom and finds, laid
out on the bed, a Superman costume.
The husband calls to his wife, "What are you doing, honey?" he says.
"Have you ever heard of a Black Superman? Can you take this back and get
me something else to wear?"
The next day, the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a
replacement. The husband comes home from work and goes into the bedroom.
There, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.
He yells to his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a
Black Batman? Take this shit back and get me something I can wear to the
costume party!"
The next morning, his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes
home again from work, he finds there, laid out on the bed, three items:
one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt,
and the third item is a 2X4 piece of wood.
The husband yells again to his wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells right back, "Take your clothes off. You can put these
three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't
like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as a an Oreo cookie.
And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2X4 up your ass and go
as a fudgesicle."
ur welcome!..
hope u ppl enjoy the Halloween stuff..
HaPPy HaLLowEEn, everyone!
chEErsssss..
http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/2879/animation10068120vs3.gif
Happy Halloween
Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men!
1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you
with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to
begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.
Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men!
1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you
with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to
begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.
10 Least Popular Halloween Candies
10. Bit-O-Squirrel
9. Poisonettes
8. Good n' Sweaty
7. Middlefinger
6. Della Reese's Pieces
5. Clam Duds
4. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg
3. Gummy Marrow
2. Ken Starrburst
1. Osmond Joy
10. Bit-O-Squirrel
9. Poisonettes
8. Good n' Sweaty
7. Middlefinger
6. Della Reese's Pieces
5. Clam Duds
4. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg
3. Gummy Marrow
2. Ken Starrburst
1. Osmond Joy
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...
What did the Dracula say to his teacher?
See you next Period!
Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.
How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...
What did the Dracula say to his teacher?
See you next Period!
Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.
How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frostbite...
Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a
mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the
rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a
mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the
rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
IN HONOR OF STUPID PEOPLE....
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are more actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer
"Do not use while sleeping."
(But I just don't have time when I'm awake!)
On a bag of Fritos
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(As opposed to....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom)
"Do not turn upside down."
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
"Product will be hot after heating."
(And you thought?)
On an auto sun screen
"Do not cover windshield while driving."
(Where's the challenge?)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication."
(Yeah, you tell a 5 year-old he can't drive.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(There goes my whole night!)
On most brands of Christmas lights
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to....)
On a Japanese food processor
"Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Duh)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Then use Dial soap like regular soap.)
On a laser pointer
"Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye."
(Why didn't I read that first?)
On a child's Superman costume
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(That's gotta be false advertising.)
On a Swedish chainsaw
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Hands, I can understand... but genitals?! It takes a REAL man!)
Excuse me, I've got to go out and get me a Swedish chainsaw....
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are more actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer
"Do not use while sleeping."
(But I just don't have time when I'm awake!)
On a bag of Fritos
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(As opposed to....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But, it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom)
"Do not turn upside down."
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
"Product will be hot after heating."
(And you thought?)
On an auto sun screen
"Do not cover windshield while driving."
(Where's the challenge?)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication."
(Yeah, you tell a 5 year-old he can't drive.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(There goes my whole night!)
On most brands of Christmas lights
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to....)
On a Japanese food processor
"Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts
"Warning: contains nuts."
(Duh)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Then use Dial soap like regular soap.)
On a laser pointer
"Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye."
(Why didn't I read that first?)
On a child's Superman costume
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(That's gotta be false advertising.)
On a Swedish chainsaw
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Hands, I can understand... but genitals?! It takes a REAL man!)
Excuse me, I've got to go out and get me a Swedish chainsaw....
It's important to realize that Blondes can't go water-skiing - when their crotch gets wet they think they gotta lay down...
It's even more important to realize the big difference between blondes and bitches - a blonde will screw anyone, whilst a bitch will screw anyone but you...
It's worth remembering why blondes can't count to 70 - it's cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful...
It's even more important to realize the big difference between blondes and bitches - a blonde will screw anyone, whilst a bitch will screw anyone but you...
It's worth remembering why blondes can't count to 70 - it's cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful...
Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!
Q: What's the difference between a blonde on her back and a turtle on it's back?
A: Absolutely Nothing - both are totally screwed!
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's cunt?
A: The other guys waiting their turn.
Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.
Q: What do you call a brunette and 4 sexy blondes on a corner?
A: You don't, you see if you've got 4 condoms
Q: What do a blonde and an instant win lottery ticket have in common?
A: Simply scratch the box to win.
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!
Q: What's the difference between a blonde on her back and a turtle on it's back?
A: Absolutely Nothing - both are totally screwed!
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's cunt?
A: The other guys waiting their turn.
Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.
Q: What do you call a brunette and 4 sexy blondes on a corner?
A: You don't, you see if you've got 4 condoms
Q: What do a blonde and an instant win lottery ticket have in common?
A: Simply scratch the box to win.
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
Blonde Moments
Did you hear about the blonde who:
1)had more on her body than on her mind?
2)was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
3)took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
4)got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
5)was an M.D.: Mentally Deficient?
6)had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
7)thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
8)was told she was a silly puss, but insisted that she didn't have a
crazy cat?
9)after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didnt get taller
girls?
10)went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
11)brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
12)thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease?
13)thought that a sanitary belt was a shot from a clean whiskey glass?
14)thought that intercourse was a state highway?
Did you hear about the blonde who:
1)had more on her body than on her mind?
2)was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
3)took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
4)got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
5)was an M.D.: Mentally Deficient?
6)had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
7)thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
8)was told she was a silly puss, but insisted that she didn't have a
crazy cat?
9)after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didnt get taller
girls?
10)went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
11)brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
12)thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease?
13)thought that a sanitary belt was a shot from a clean whiskey glass?
14)thought that intercourse was a state highway?
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide all his eggs?
A: He doesn't want you to know that he fucks chickens.
Q: What's the definition of gross?
A: Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.
Q: What's even grosser than that?
A: When one of them throws up.
Q: What is a girl scout knife?
A: A boy scout knife with a dildo attachment.
Q: What did the lesbian tell the gynecologist who had remarked about
how clean her vagina was?
A: It should be clean. I have a woman in three times a week.
A: He doesn't want you to know that he fucks chickens.
Q: What's the definition of gross?
A: Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.
Q: What's even grosser than that?
A: When one of them throws up.
Q: What is a girl scout knife?
A: A boy scout knife with a dildo attachment.
Q: What did the lesbian tell the gynecologist who had remarked about
how clean her vagina was?
A: It should be clean. I have a woman in three times a week.
A WOMAN'S REFLECTION ON MENOPAUSE:
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able
to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking
red dent on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able
to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking
red dent on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on
her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his
pee-pee today!"
Before the mother could register her concern, Sally went
on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mother asked,
"Why? Really small was it?"
Sally replied, "No...salty!
her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his
pee-pee today!"
Before the mother could register her concern, Sally went
on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mother asked,
"Why? Really small was it?"
Sally replied, "No...salty!
NURSERY RHYMES CHILDREN MIGHT'VE MISSED:
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
Then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
Then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
The guy takes a girl back to his apartment, takes off all
of his clothes, and says, "I want you to meet my little friend!"
She takes one glance, picks up her coat and, as she
heads for the door, says, "Call me when he grows up."
of his clothes, and says, "I want you to meet my little friend!"
She takes one glance, picks up her coat and, as she
heads for the door, says, "Call me when he grows up."
A very loud, ugly, hard-faced broad walks into a
fine restaurant with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities
at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to our
establishment. Charming children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The hideous bitch stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they fucking aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest
is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you
really think they look alike, shithead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe
anyone would fuck you twice!"
fine restaurant with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities
at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to our
establishment. Charming children you've got there. Are they twins?"
The hideous bitch stops screaming long enough to snarl:
"Of course they fucking aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest
is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you
really think they look alike, shithead?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe
anyone would fuck you twice!"
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