JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Two guys went camping.
In the middle of the night, one asked the other, "Are
you asleep?"
"No."
"Are you masturbating?"
"Yep."
"Are you having trouble getting it up?"
"Yep."
"Well, why don't you try using yours instead?!"

 

[melody]

Why Wives Have To Give Blow Jobs:

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it.

If you don't we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who
will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything
to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit.
Don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling on your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth
is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up.

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days,
you need all the fluids you can get - trust me

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you
that we got the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too - we like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now,
but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee
it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on
your face, now will you?

 

[melody]

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible.
What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me
$50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months.
No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months??? How sad!!!"
"Then this month,..." continued, the friend, "Nothing! Not a fucking
dime!!

 

[melody]

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:

...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...she thought General Motors was in the army.
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
...she studied for a blood test.
...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
...she sold the car for gas money!
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

 

[melody]

Things To Remember

Love means never having to say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?"

To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you
to wash your hands in between either.

When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably consider ****** outside
the family.

They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the
recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal
and sincere.

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the
now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge
on everyone who ever screwed us in the past.

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't
looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll learn him.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things
that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.

 

[melody]

Naughty Mind... High Expectations

It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:

(1) You lack knowledge

(2) You have a dirty mind and

(3) Your Expectations are too high !!! (10 times .. .. Huh .. .. MY GOD !!! )

 

[melody]

Adventurous Dining

A man travels to Spain and goes to Pamplona during the great "running of the Bulls" festival.

After his first day there, he goes out late for dinner at a restuarant in the center of the town. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate ,with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.
"What are cojones?" the man asks.
"Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again. This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.

"What's this?" he asks the waiter.
"Cojones, senor," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."

"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

 

[melody]

A Day In Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.

Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.

 

[melody]

After-Sex Cigarette

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

 

[melody]

Acceptable Excuse

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

 

[melody]

There was a man named McFeeney
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
Not being uncouth
He added vermouth
And slipped his girl a martini.

There was a young lady named Nelly,
Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
They could tickle her twat,
Or be tied in a knot,
And could even swat flies on her belly!

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater,
knew a chick, but wouldn't eat her;
met her brother, one fine day,
he sucked his cock,
and now he's gay!!!

 

[melody]

If God Was A Woman....

1. Sex would smell like chocolate
2. Farts would smell like roses
3. Dogs would smell spring fresh
4. Babies would come from vending machines
5. Men would be born with a permanent erection
6. All women would have the same size breasts
7. There would be no cellulite
8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE
9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch
10. There would be no "Hooters"
11. A man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife
12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in
Hawaii!
13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle
14. Men would come with software to be custom designed
15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by
wife
16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant
verification of truth
17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the
difference between six inches and three inches
18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds
19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the
cheek
20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.

 

[melody]

If Women Ruled The World.....

....Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

....PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

....Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

...Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

...A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing

.....Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

....Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

...."Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

....Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

....Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

....Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"

....Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

....Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

....Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

....Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

....Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

....Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

...Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

....All toilet seats would be nailed down.

....Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

....TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.

....All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

....During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.

....Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

....After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.

....For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.

 

[melody]

Test Your Stamina

They parked their truck at one end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house an older woman was looking out her kitchen window watching the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figure I'd better run too!"

 

[melody]

Confession

Amber, A 16 year old cathlic girl goes to confession.

Amber: I called a boy a mother fucker last night.

Priest: Why did you do that?

Amber: He kissed me.

The priest bent over and kissed her.
Priest: like that?

Amber: yes.

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: No, then he grabbed me butt.

The priest grabbed her butt.
Priest: like this?

Amber: yes.

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: no, then he pulled my pants down.

The priest then pulled her pants down.
Priest:like this?

Amber:yes.

Priest : Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: No, then he took off my panties, and put his you know what in my you know where.

The priest took off her panties, and put his you know what in her you know where.
Priest: Like this?

Amber: yes

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fucker?

Amber: no

Priest: then why did you call him a mother fucker?

Amber: He had herpes!

Priest: That MOTHER FUCKER!

 

[melody]

There once was a girl named dot
who lived off garbage and snot
when she ran out of these
she ate the green cheese
that grew on the side of her twat

 

[melody]

I have some neighbors that are lesbians and they have a child.
It occurred to me that in this day of age of
increasing lesbian couples that have children, it
brings a whole new meaning to one kid taunting another
when he says "My Mom can lick your Mom any time."

 

[melody]

Bill Collector

Dear Mr. Collector;
I have received your super heated letter in regards to the bill I owe
you. You said the bill should have been paid a long time ago, and you
don't understand why it hasn't been. Well, I will enlighten you. In
1999, I bought a sawmill on credit. I bought an oxen_team, a timber
cart, two ponies, a shotgun, a wine toaster, a colt revolver, and four
razorback hogs all on credit.

In 2000, the sawmill burned down and didn't leave a damn thing. One of
my ponies died and the other one I loaned to an illiterate moron who
starved him to death. In 2001, my father died and my mother was hung
for horse stealing. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had
to pay the bill of 88.00 to keep the little bastard from becoming a
relative of mine. In 2002, my son got the mumps, they went down on him
and the doctor had to castrate him to save his life.

That summer, I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the
biggest damn catfish you've ever seen. One of my sons drowned but not
the one that was castrated. My wife ran away with some heavy hung Texan
and left me with 3 small children as a souvenir. I married the hired
girl to cut down on my income tax and expenses. I had trouble getting
her to reach a climax. The doctor said to try creating some excitement
just as she was beginning to come. That night, I took my shotgun to bed
with me and just as she was beginning to come I pointed out the window
and pulled the trigger. Well I ruptured myself, shot the best damn cow
I ever owned and my wife shit all over the bed.

Then I took to drinking and didn't stop until all I had left was my
pocket watch and kidney trouble. After that, all I did was wind my
watch and piss. Things really got worse then. My wife caught the clap from
the milkman and my son wiped his ass on a corn cob with rat poison and some
one shot the nuts off my best bull.

Then I decided to go into business for myself. I ordered six bee hives
from sears roebuck. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on
credit.The queen bee died so I ordered another one. She turned out to
be a whore and started to run around with a horse fly.The honey started to
taste like shit and I couldn't see it. So then, Mr. Collector, you say
If I don't pay, you will cause me trouble. Right now, if it cost two
cents to take a shit I would have to puke. Getting money out of me
would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcats ass with a hot poker. But
you are welcome to try.

Signed,
Paul

 

[melody]

Whacky Dirty Dafinitions:
Volumn 1


OVEN STUFFED ROASTER
1. Type of chicken that is usually seasoned and baked for an extended
period.

2. The unusual method of inserting your finger in the ass of your
partner while screwing her, and feeling her cervix. This procedure is
more effective from behind (see NEW JERSEY MEATHOOK).


HIGH DIVE: /hi-div/
1. Act of jumping out of a plane and free falling toward earth at
early 200 mph.

2. The skill of pulling your Johnson all the way out of your partner's
hole, and in one motion, swiftly jamming it home again. Best used in
Corn Hole technique, but dangerous.


SHOP-VAC: /shop vak/
1. An industrial vacuum cleaner able to pick up large quantities of
material and liquids.

2. Sexual equivalent. The act of making a girl inhale your hog from
behind while you're "pulling the V" (see FRUIT BASKET, SILENCE OF THE
LAMBS).


TEA-BAG: /tee bagg/
1. A sack like structure containing flavored leaves that is attached
to a string and dangled in water to give it flavor.

2. A sack-like structure containing my fat balls that is attached to
my massive unit and is stuffed into the mouths of young girls to make
them make a "wamuphm" like noise.
3. v. Tea-bag(ing) the act of stuffing them with the sack filled with my
fat balls.

ARABIAN GOGGLES /a-RA-be-an GAU-gals/
1. Eyeglasses originating from the Middle Eastern region of the
world; specially designed with hooded sides to protect the desert camel
diver in extreme sand and wind storms common to the area.

2. A seldom-seen maneuver involving the testicles where the satchel
is spread wide and placed on the face of the "ride", thus resting the
balls in said gogglee's eye sockets.

SAMOAN PILE DRIVER: /suh-MOan Pyl-dryver/
1. A virility dance practiced throughout Samoan tribes in the Ganges
River Basin.
2. A large crane-like machine used to extract diamonds from the
Samoan Diamond Mines of Carnutspa.
3. A sexual position that occurs when the woman's back and the bed
are perpendicular but she is upside down (See also FLOAT VALVE). The
practitioner of the Pile Driver stands above the woman and points his
shit due south, simply bending his knees for repeated bludgeoning. This
process is repeated while screaming, "Abdaay, goony, goony,
goony...ABDAY. ABDAY. ABDAY. HA!" Repeat and rinse.

 

[melody]

The Englishman, The Irishman, And The Scotsman

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack
of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's $30. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's
$20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."