JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his
face.
"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again!"
"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.
"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality
and necrophilia. Should I be worried,... or am I just beating a dead
horse?"

 

[melody]

You Might Be A Caffeine Addict If...

Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.

You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.

You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.

You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.

Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.

You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.

You can't remember the last time you blinked.

The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.

Your dog's name is Folgers.

You see nothing wrong with using water joe (caffeinated water)
to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.

You could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food,
as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.

 

[melody]

Q: What's the worse thing about ****** a blonde?
A: She starts talking again the second you take your dick out of her mouth.

Q: What's the best thing about ****** a blonde?
A: She shuts up the second you put your dick back in her mouth.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: "I don't know why you're shaking, she's gonna eat me!"

 

[melody]

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his
dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried
about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son
sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy, and sometimes
I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," says the boy.
"Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up."

 

[melody]

Two Gays

There were two gay guys living together.

One was more feminine and the other more masculine. The masculine one
lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one
day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if
there was something he could do about it.

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the
only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all
over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to
produce hair.

The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered
his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with
him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"

The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from
his partner.

Finally, his partner said, "Don't you think if that was true that you would
have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now?"

 

[melody]

5 Reasons Not To Be a Penis:
First of all, you're bald your entire life.
Second, you have a hole in your head.
Third, you live between two nuts.
Fourth, an asshole lives behind you.
Finally, when you get excited, you throw up and then you faint.

 

[melody]

"After 10 years of marriage sex with my wife is down to three times a
year." "Same here pal. " "As a matter of fact, if mine wouldn't sleep
with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."

 

[melody]

Some one had written on the bathroom wall: "My mother made me a
homosexual." Underneath it somebody else had written: "If I send her the
wool, will she make me one too?"

 

[melody]

And women wonder why we men get confused..........ha!

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite
up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes
crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no
success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering
to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the
window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your
mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

 

[melody]

Smell The Wood

A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could
identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar
decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several
pieces of wood. First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, "That's
maple." They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood
correctly. He did this with every piece of wood they brought before him.
The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the
waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose. He sniffed for a while.
"Boy," he said "this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell
the other side." So they took they waitress and put her ass near his
nose. He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, "You guys can't
fool me! That is the shit house door from a tuna boat!"

 

[ham_m2]

rofl...
give us more jokes melody...keep up the good work...

 

[melody]

rofl...
give us more jokes melody...keep up the good work...

many thanx 4 ur support..
appreciate..

 

[melody]

It's all about Wives

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.


************


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


************


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


************


I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."

I asked her, "Where's the car?"

She replied, "In the lake."


************


The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.


************


I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.


************


My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got myself two girlfriends.


************


Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.


************


A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."


************


A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same: "You can have mine."


*************


It's not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.


*************


Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.


*************


A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says, Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."


**************


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.


**************

 

[melody]

Train Accident

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

 

[melody]

Manager asked to sardar at an interview.
Can you spell a word that has more than 15 letters in it?
Sardar replied: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.


After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?


One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!


When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will drive.


Interviewer: just imagine you are in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

 

[melody]

Terminal Cancer

A woman comes home from the doctor and tearfully tells her husband:
"The doctor says I have terminal cancer!"

"Oh honey, that's terrible! Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Well," says the wife, "I love getting oral sex, and I'd like to pack in a lot more of it before I go."

So the husband immediately goes down on her and she loves it.
For the next month, he eats her pussy at least ten times a day.

At the end of the month, the woman goes back to the doctor. The doctor says:
"This is unbelievable! There's no evidence of cancer! Have you been doing something different, like a new diet or something?"

Embarrassed, the womans says: "Well, I have been doing something different, but its very personal . . . ."
"Well whatever it is, it must have cured your cancer!"

She goes home and says: "Honey, I'm completely cured! The doctor says oral sex cured my cancer!"
The husband starts to cry, obviously heartbroken.
Says wife: "Aren't you happy that I'm going to live?" "Of course honey . . . but if I had just known that was the cure, I could have cured Mom!

 

[melody]

A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home,and they start getting it on.
He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out.
He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?" She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."

 

[melody]

A man walks into a bar and sits down and order 12 shots of whiskey.
Bartender says: "What's the big occasion?"
"My first blowjob," says the man.
The bartender says, "Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I'll buy you another shot. It's on me!"
The man says, "No thanks. If 12 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

 

[melody]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

 

[melody]

Q. Why shouldn't you have sex with your wife in the morning?
A. Because you've got all day to find something better!

Q. How does a woman know when a man fakes an orgasm?
A. She ends up swimming in a sea of piss!

Q. How do you know when there's a gay president in the White House?
A. All the cigars taste like shit.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.