JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Dealing With The Burdens Of Life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

 

[melody]

Vincent Van Gogh

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His dizzy aunt......................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle...............................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ...............Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van....Winnie BayGogh

 

[melody]

Learn To Play Golf

My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf. You
know, golf...that's the game where you chase a little ball all over the
country when you are too old to chase women. So, I went to see Mr.
Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.

He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"

"Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find."

"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off."

"What's tee off?"

"It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."

"Not for me" I said, "you can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you
want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."

"No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."

"Yeah, I've got one of those."

"Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."

"You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked
around."

"You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."

Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I
said so.

He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"

"Sure"

"You're balls are in it, aren't they?"

"Of course," I told him.

"Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"

"I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to."

"Don't you have a zipper on your bag?"

"No, I am the old fashioned type."

"Do you know how to hold your club?"

Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea
and I told him so.

He said, "You take your club in both hands..."

Well folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was talking
about.

Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..."

No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about.

He asked, "How do your hold your club?"

And before I thought about it, I said "With two fingers".

He said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and
said for me to bend over and he would show me.

Well, he couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four years
in the Navy for nothing.

He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..."

I could well imagine that.

"... and when you're on the green..."

"What's the green?"

"That's where the hole is."

"Sure you're not color blind?"

"Then you take your putter in your hands"

"What's a putter?"

"That's the smallest club made."

"That's what I got, a putter."

"And with it, you put your ball into the hole."

I corrected him, "You mean the putter."

"No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too."

Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.

"Then," he said," after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the
next 17."

Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to
hell.

"You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"

"Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know
when I am in the 18th hole?"

"The flag will go up!"

Uh, huh..

 

[melody]

The perfect divorce letter

Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've
been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BOSS and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-wife



***********************


Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"

My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BOSS, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my boss had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my boss was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

 

[melody]

Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it was like to live with a miserable cunt.

 

[melody]

A little boy was taking a shower with his mom. The young kid pointed
between his mom's legs and asked, "Mommy, what is that?" The mother,
surprised, said, "Oh, that's where God hit me with his Golden Axe."
Quick with a response, the young boy replied, "Wow, a Golden Axe right
in the cunt, that must have hurt!"

 

[melody]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five
iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him
what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf
with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of
the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted
up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck
right in the middle of the cow's cunt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like
yours!"

 

[melody]

As his father came into his bedroom to wish him a good night, Little
Johnny told his father, "Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be just like
you."

"That's great," said his dad, patting him on the head. "I'd love to have
another lawyer for a son."

"That's not what I mean, Daddy," said Little Johnny. "I mean I want to
fuck Mommy the way you fucked her on the swing set after dinner
tonight!"

 

[melody]

A married guy was out getting a little kinky sex when he suffered a massive heart attack and died...The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying "Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away... What would you like us to do?" To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me...Cut it off and stuff it in his ass."When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket... Bending over him she said softly..."Hurts, doesn't it....?"

 

[melody]

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion? Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

 

[melody]

Top Ten Reasons Sheep are better Than Women:

10. You don't have to be in a fraternity.
9. They're always on all fours
8. You don't have to buy them dinner
7. They can't complain
6. Men can run faster
5. Guaranteed to make animal noises
4. Easy entry
3. No foreplay required
2. Wham Bam Thank you Lamb
1. They're always tight

 

[melody]

I used to be overweight. A few years ago, I was waiting in
line at a bank. There was a mother and her little boy in
line behind me.

The little boy asked, "Hey Mister, how come you are so fat?"

I looked at him and replied "Well, every time I fucked your
mother, she gave me a biscuit."

 

[melody]

Yo Mama's So Skinny...

Yo mama's so skinny, I could blind-fold her with dental floss.
Yo mama's so skinny, her nipples touch.
Yo mama's so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo mama's so skinny, she looks like a mic stand.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a sesame seed on her head, she'd look like a push pin.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she turned sideways and stuck out her tongue, she would look like a zipper.
Yo mama's so skinny, when she wore her yellow dress, she looked like a #2 pencil.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can see out the peephole with both eyes.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can dodge rain drops.
Yo mama's so skinny, she only has one stripe on her pajamas.
Yo mama's so skinny, she has to wear skis in the shower.
Yo mama's so skinny, she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
Yo mama's so skinny, when she takes a bath and lets the water out, her toes get caught in the drain.
Yo mama's so shinny, she had to stand in the same place twice to cast a shadow.
Yo mama's so skinny, I gave her a piece of popcorn and she went into a coma.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had a yeast infection she'd be a Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
Yo mama's so skinny, she can hula hoop in a fruit loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, her pants have one belt loop.
Yo mama's so skinny, you can save her from drowning by tossing her a Cheerio.
Yo mama's so skinny, if she had dreads I'd grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.
Yo mama's so skinny, instead of calling her your parent, you call her transparent.
Yo mama's so skinny, her bra fits better backward.
Yo mama's so skinny, she swallowed a meatball and thought she was pregnant.
Yo mama's so skinny, she uses Chapstick for deodorant.
Yo mama's so skinny, she uses a Band-Aid as a maxi-pad.
Yo mama's so skinny and flat, she's the only woman in the world with two backs.
Yo mama's so skinny, she inspires crack whores to diet.

 

[melody]

Tell Yo mama to stop wearing different color lipstick, because I have a
rainbow dick.
Tell Yo mama that I'm mad at her... and her jagged-ass teeth. A
circumcision is a one time procedure and I've already had mine.
Tell Yo mama to stop wearing green lipstick, my balls are starting to look
like ninja turtles.
Tell Yo mama to stop wearing blue lipstick, my balls look like Smurfs.
Tell Yo mama to send me some makeup remover, I can't get her lipstick off
my dick.
After I'm done whoopin' your ass, tell Yo mama she's next!
Tell Yo mama that the tip's under the pillow.
Tell Yo mama that I want a refund.
Tell Yo mama to stop calling me.
Tell Yo mama that I need my underwear back.
Tell Yo mama that I want my dime back.
Tell Yo mama that my dog wants to know how much he owes her for last
night.
Tell Yo mama to wear a bra, she looks like she's got 4 arms.
Tell Yo mama I love her in those panties Yo daddy gave her.
Tell Yo mama I'll be home late for dinner.
Tell Yo mama I love the way she blows me.
Tell Yo mama I want her to get her shit out of my house now!

 

[melody]

The blind date hadn't been all that great and Mary was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She took one look and said, "Nice design. Does it also come in men's sizes?"

 

[melody]

A snooty matron caught the supermarket stock boy at an unguarded moment.

"Young man," she demanded icily, "don't you know it's bad matters to scratch your balls before others?"

He stammered around for a few minutes, then asked, "What am I supposed to do, offer to scratch yours first?"

 

[melody]

CUNTONESE CUISINE

A'LA CARTE
Cum Drop Soup - Fresh Every 27 days
Pee Yu Platter - Clothes Pins Extra
Hoo Flung Poo - Napkins & Raincoats Provided
Yung Poon Tank - No Take Out Orders Accepted

LUNCHEON SPECIALS
1. Sum Yung Chick - Different and Delicious
2. Won Hung Lo - Chinese Meatballs
3. Sum Dum Fuc - Same as #1 But With Extra Sauce
4. Chu Sum Twat - Dinner For Parties Of 3 Or More
5. Suc Mi Pork - Chef's Special
6. Fuc Yu Man - Specialty Of The House

DINNER COMBINATIONS (Includes Smeg Roll and Fortune Nookies)
1. Goo In Hand - For Those Dining Alone
2. Goo Wee Chick - Sloppy Seconds - No Extra Charge
3. Cum Tu Soon - Order Early - These Go Fast
4. Suc Mi Wang - Traditional Chinese Meatloaf
5. Sum Dum Chick - You Get What You Pay For
6. Fuc Mei Slo - Not Available After 10pm
7. Lik Mi Clit - A Delicious Lip Smacking Delicacy
8. Cho Kon It - Not For The Light Throated
9. Fuc Sum Now - For Those In A Hurry
10. Wai Tu Yung - Not Available On School Nights
11. Tung Sum Chick - A Taste Bud Tingler
12. Sum Gulp Cum - Lo-Cal Diet Special

FOR VERY BEST TUNG CHOW, YOU CUM SUC MI PAGODA

 

[melody]

Ladies Verses Real Women

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still
cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess
salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too
damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made
it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
_____

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You
might still have the headache, but who cares?
_____

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone
to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone,
for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your
feet up, eating it anyway.
_____

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with
the potatoes.

Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for
up to a year.
_____

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess
on the inside of the cake.

Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
_____

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to
yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing
egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
_____

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening
jars easy.

Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
_____

And finally the most important tip!.....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women - Leftover wine??

 

[melody]

Would I Like To Have Sex With You?

I'd rather ...

masturbate with a cheese grater.

slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.

stick my genitals in a beehive.

crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch-whipped by a
fat, mustached geek named Spyros.

have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.

sandpaper a wildcat's ass.

watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle naked.

dryfuck a polar bear in a phone booth.

cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.

try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter...and not a twist off,
either.

poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass with a short stick.

stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass and jog a mile

 

[melody]

Important Information For Women;

Discover the Benefits of Worshiping ...
And Adoring Your Man's Penis

Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five
porterhouse steaks but contains only 150 calories.

A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes
on the treadmill.

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number
of brain cells.

Sex eliminates headaches.

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard,"
triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your
lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.