JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

20 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increased job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. It's obviously a good idea ....

 

[melody]

If you want a happy marriage, don't raise a stink about your
partner's passing of gas.

According to L.A.-based social psychologist Hank Stewart,
the happiest couples are those who don't make a stink with their partner flatulence.

It's not that the gas is good.
Stewart says couples that are pro-pooter are simply more at
ease with each other -- and that is good for any relationship.

She figures a woman who feels comfortable enough to burp and
blow wind in front of her sweetie is probably secure in the relationship
and won't ask, "Do you think I'm fat?" every two seconds.

And guys won't feel commitment-phobic if he can bust a butt buzzer
in front of a gal who responds, "Good one, honey."

This is why you should just go ahead and fart on the
first date. . . to see if its worth all the trouble.

 

[melody]

Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking,
friggin assholes!

 

[melody]

Dick And Jane

After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance
blossomed, and they really developed the 'hots' for each other. One
day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to
consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very 'tight', and difficult to
'enter', but finally succeeds.

When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I had known you were a
virgin, I would have taken more time!"

To which Jane replies "If I'd have known you had more time,
I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

 

[melody]

Funny Deadlock Situation

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.

Grandpa (the 1st boss ) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip.

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.

Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement.

 

[melody]

"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have
every flavor ice cream in the world? O.K., I would like three
scoops of pussy flavored ice cream, please."

"No problem, sir."

The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone
and the man takes a good lick. Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't
taste like pussy, it tastes like shit!"
The assistant replies, "Of course it tastes like shit when you
take such long licks!"

 

[melody]

Rectum Stretcher
(Ouch!)

While I was "flying" down the road (at 10 mph over the speed limit), I
passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other
side lying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh, yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

Clearly caught off guard, the cop stammered, "A what? A rectum
stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well, I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then, with my whole hand in, I
work side to side until I can get both hands in. And then I slowly but
surely stretch until it's about six feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?" The cop
demanded.

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge ...."

 

[melody]

This gal I know is like a bowling ball.
First, she gets picked up,
then fingered,
then thrown in the gutter
and the bitch keeps coming back for more!

 

[melody]

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a
ride from a mean-looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in
silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.

"If I'm a boy or a girl," answered the youth.

"Don't matter," replied the trucker. "I'm gonna fuck ya anyway."

 

[melody]

His dick is most surely a dilly,
A grand and marvelous Willie.
His gal loves to give head,
But most often instead,
He ends by just screwing her silly.

 

[melody]

What should a woman say as she guides her
lover's tongue toward her clitoris?

This bud's for you!

xxxxx=====

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

 

[melody]

Enough is enough ... unless of course you're a nymphomaniac!

xxxxx==

If little girls are made out of "sugar and spice and everything
nice," then how come they taste like anchovies?

 

[melody]

There once was a woman from Latch,
Who jacked herself off with a match.
She got so excited,
The damn thing ignited,
And burnt all the hair off her snatch.

 

[melody]

Sex is bad
Sex is a sin
Sins are forgiven
So stick it in.

 

[melody]

The Princess And Real World

Once upon a time
In a land far away
A beautiful, independent
Self-assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap
And said "Elegant lady,
I was once a handsome prince
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me,
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into the dapper young prince that I am;
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And set up housekeeping in yon castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children,
And forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night,
As the princess dined sumptuously
On a repast of lightly sautéed frogs' legs
Seasoned in a white wine
And onion cream sauce,
She chuckled and said softly to herself:
"I don't fucking think so."

 

[melody]

Holy mother, full of grace Bless my boyfriend's
gorgeous face
Bless his hair that tends to curl
Keep him safe from all the girls
Bless his arms that are so strong
Keep his hands where they belong
Bless his dick, the one i sucked
Bless the bed, in which we fucked
And if my Mom happened to walk in
Bless the shit I'd be in.

 

[melody]

Thoughts of Pleasures

As I sit here all alone in my bed,
I have NASTY thoughts of giving you HEAD.
Licking my lips and rubbing my clit,
Thinking of how much I would like to straddle your DICK.
Touch me Caress me Squeeze my breast,
while I pour hot candle wax on your chest.
Then let me ride you hard and fast,
Turn me over and spank my ass.
Pull my hair and grab my hips,
Now reach over get the whip.
As we play out our fantasies one by one,
We won't stop until we cum.

 

[melody]

If Doctor Ruth Were A Man

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there
is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best
friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not
get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still
apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without
you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a
nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your
skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform
oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing
to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The
Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night
out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a
more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your
relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to
clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he
returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you
and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess
with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may
wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as
a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and
cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity
training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex
should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for
foreplay.
What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should;
He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish!
Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and
cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep
without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

 

[melody]

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, ! that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

 

[melody]

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."