JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

*Mad Cow Disease*

A Female TV reporter went to have an interview with a farmer seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady:Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reason that causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said:"Do you know that the bull fucks the cow once a year?

The Lady* (getting embarrassed) : "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

The Farmer: Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?
The Lady:Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point? The

Farmer: I am getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and fucking you once a year wouldn't you get mad????????

 

[melody]

Men are like department stores....
their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations....
they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers...
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers...
load them with beer and you can take them
anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars....
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for
your hips.

Men are like coffee....
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up
all night long.

Men are like horoscopes....
they always tell you what to do and are usually
wrong.

 

[melody]

Women are looking for Mr. Right.
Men are looking for Mrs. Right Now.

Q: What do you call a smart man?
A: Unsighted.

Q: Why do men have orgasms?
A: So they will know when to stop having sex and fall
asleep.

 

[melody]

Q: How many cute guys does it take to screw in
a light bulb?

A: If you're in the dark with a cute guy, why
worry about the lights?!

 

[melody]

Do you always tell your husband when you've had an
orgasm?
No way! I'm not going to call home every time!

When does a man develop a brain?
The day he gets married.

Why is virginity like a balloon?
All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.

What does PMS really stand for?
- Promoting Male Slavery.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.

What's the difference between men and government
bonds?
Bonds mature.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

 

[melody]

ALL ABOUT MEN

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the
work of five men...
a woman

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel
important.

Men wear their hair 3 ways: parted, unparted & departed.

Men who know they are geniuses usually aren't.

Scientists say: Men who listen to classical music tend
not to spit.

Men! Go figure!

Men! Learn from John Bobbitt.
Don't cheat on your girlfriend/wife!

Men! Learn from John Bobbitt.
Sleep on your stomachs!

Woman's best X-mas gift? To add ex- to man!

Men, Just children with paychecks.

How do you get a man on the roof?
Tell him the beers on the house.

When is a man worth 25 cents?
When he is pushing a trolley at K-mart.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible.
In a world where there are more women than men, it pays
to recycle.

If a man had a thought in his head, it would get lonely!

 

[melody]

A young couple is on their honeymoon. After start having
great sex, he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where the heck do
YOU think you're going?"

"Nowhere, sweetheart," he says. "Turn over."

 

[melody]

What did one saggy breast say to the other saggy breast?

"We'd better get some support or people will think we're nuts!"

00000=====

In my study of Human Nature there is only one universal truth that
I have found - Gay or straight, they all want blow-jobs.

00000=====

Q. What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line-dancing at the nursing home.

 

[melody]

Barbara Walters

While touring an Indian reservation filming a documentary, Barbara
Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers
in the headdresses.

So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress and his
reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather." Feeling the
first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had
two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women. Two
women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated number of sexual partners
involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, needless to say
amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many
feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said "Me Chief, me sleep with em
all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung." The Chief said:
"You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile." The Chief
replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me sleep with
em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

 

[melody]

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

 

[melody]

How Vibrators are Better Than Men!

It's happy to keep going until we're satisfied.

Vibrators don't prematurely ejaculate

A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."

They don't get tired after the first time

You never have to lie to a vibrator by saying it was good or ... that
you had an orgasm.

Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on TV ... or Fishin'!

Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries
when it tires.

Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!

You can throw them in a drawer and only take them out when you want to!

Vibrators don't hog the remote ... Nor the computer!!

We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want
without being called a slut.

Position is your choice, not his.

You don't have to suck it.

It works "while" the sports games are on.

It always is hard.

It doesn't leave a mess behind.

You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.

It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.

It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards.

You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.

You don't have to cook it breakfast and pretend to be interested in it
the next morning.

They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the
mood.

They never drink too much and embarrass you.

You don't have to tell the vibrator he's the best you ever had!

Safe sex without a rubber

Vibrators don't ask who your Daddy is

Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!

Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!!

They never ask how they were.

They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.

You don't have to stroke its ego.

They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another get-go.

It doesn't leave a wet spot.

You can carry it with you at all times, and not feel obligated to feed
it.

It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard

It has no problem finding the "g spot."

You know exactly where its been.

Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.

A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the shit, just turn it off when you get done with it !

As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going! (while you keep coming and coming!)

It doesn't have a mother!!

You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.

You can show it off to your friends.

They never come before you do.

 

[melody]

How You Can Tell When It's Going To Be A Rotten Day

1. You wake up face down on the pavement.

2. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

4. You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting in your office.

5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and
there aren't any.

7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the
city.

8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

9. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that
you don't have a waterbed.

10.Your car horn goes off accidentally & remains stuck as you follow a
group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

11.Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

12.Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

13.The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

14.You wake up and your braces are locked together.

15.You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your
pantyhose.

16.You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your
business.

17.Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

18.Your income check bounces.

19.You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

20.Your pet rock snaps at you.

21.Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

 

[melody]

Cyber Sex

I suggest a visit to your favorite Chat Room where you can engage in
some of that Cyber Sex stuff, I just found out about this last night! I
was on AOL and I went to this chat room. It was named something
suggestive, but I can't remember which one it was. Something like,
"Horny and Bald", or something like that.

OK, so I get in there and man these people are talking some real shit
back and forth. I can't believe it. Somebody asks, "What's everyone
wearing?" And everyone starts responding about what they are wearing.
Girls were saying they were wearing silk nighties, leather and lace, or
nothing at all, spikes, all kinds of kinky stuff. Well hell, I was just
wearing a T-shirt and blue jeans and I felt sort of out of place. So I
hurried up and put on a jock strap, my wife's bra, roller blades, ear
muffs, and a ring of bratwurst around my neck.

Suddenly I realize that certain people are asking other certain people
if they want to go to a private room and have Cyber Sex. I wasn't quite
sure how this whole thing worked, so I asked, and members of the group
explained that you could send another person in the room a private
message, and then two members could talk back and forth without anyone
else knowing, and that's how you have Cyber Sex. Way Cool!

OK, so I'm waiting, and one by one I keep seeing people ask other people
if they want to have Cyber Sex, and they say yeah IM me. I found out
that means Immediate Message or something like that. OK, so I wait some
more, 'cause I know some really hot cyber chic babe is going to be
asking me to have some private cyber sex any minute now.

Well, I'm waiting and waiting, and nothing. I'm thinking, how do they
know I'm getting bald, that I've been married 26 years, have three kids,
and sometimes when I have a choice of making love to my wife or taking a
nap, I choose the nap. Hey, I figure I can get some sleep and dream
about having sex and kill two birds with one stone.
Geez, I'm 47 and I'm at that point where my wife makes me have sex at
least once a month whether I need to or not.

I'm thinking this Cyber Sex thing will be great because I won't have to
get out of breath or, get up in the middle to take a pee, or anything.

But no one sends me an invitation to join them. Then I got a brain
storm.

I wondered if I could send myself a private message. Sure enough I
could! So I sent a message to myself asking me if I wanted to have
Cyber Sex. Well, I reluctantly agreed. Once I was in the private room
I started telling myself what I was wearing, you know earmuffs and all.

Then the next thing I knew I was saying some really lewd stuff to
myself, man at first I was really embarrassed and on some level offended
by the things I was saying to me.

But the next thing I knew I was really starting to get turned on, I was
saying things to myself like, "oh yeah, oh yeah baby, that's it, that's
the way I like it, you're the king, you're the king, oh jesus you're the
chief of police, your the sheriff, go trooper, ride me like a K9 dog
humping the Sergeant's leg, oh god, oh god, cuff me, beat me, call me
dirty names, turn on your red light, scream like a siren....."

Man it was really getting hot, then just when it was really getting good
said something about "my momma", well shit, that did it, I just lost it.

I really got pissed off and I started screaming at myself TYPING IN ALL
CAPS and shit, and I told myself that I was a no good insensitive
asshole. I came back with a reply that I was nothing but a Cyber Prick
Teaser, and then I said I couldn't believe that I would have done
something like this with someone as disgusting a pig as me... well to
make a long story short I told myself "F off you Cyber Slut", and I
disconnected myself from me.

God I am so sick and ashamed of what I did I never want to talk to
myself again. Do you think I cheated on my wife? Should I tell her?

 

[melody]

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

 

[melody]

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?"

 

[melody]

A Dummies' Guide For Dummy’s

Don't throw a brick straight up.

Don't take long naps while driving.

Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.

Don't microwave yourself too often.

Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's
sufficiently hot.

If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually
raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.

When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.

No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside
of all fences at the zoo.

When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks" there is no need to
report it on your income tax return.

"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist. Get a watch.

One + one = two. Try to remember that.

Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science.

If you discover that February only has 28 days, don't report it to the
Consumer Fraud Department. Likely they will ignore your complaint.

For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times.

April 1st is Your special high holy day.

 

[melody]

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."

"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.

The first guy replies, "Well, I got my dick stuck in the neck of the bottle."

 

[melody]

I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said, "Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then fuck off."

 

[melody]

High Finance

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine".

"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said " I told him that to fuck me was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".

"So I told him to suck his dick would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".

"Finally I said, well, how much do you have"?

The marine said that he only had $25.

The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand"

He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled out his cock and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand..."

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge, then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!" she said.

 

[melody]

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

Q. What's the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy?
A. She can only give you lip once!