JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

The doctor approached the husband who was in the waiting room while
his wife was being examined. The doctor said, "I have good news and
bad news."
"What's the bad news?"
"Your wife has syphilis."
The husband exclaimed, "What could possibly be 'good news' with a
situation like that?"
The doctor replied, "She didn't get it from you."

 

[melody]

An old man and a teenager were riding down the road, when the
old man pulled over and told the teenager to drive. The
teenager pulled out into traffic, smoking the tires.
After the teen came to a stop, he looked at the old
man and asked, "Do you smell that shit?"

The old man replied, "I ought to; I'm *sitting* in it!"

 

[melody]

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

He asked the American bank teller... "Why it change? Yestoday I get Two
hunant dollar fo yen. Today I get >hunant eighty." The bank teller
replies, "Fluctuations." The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys
too!!!"

 

[melody]

A man is driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the
police.

The policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why, officer?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the policeman, "You were driving just fine. It was that
ugly, fat bitch in the passenger seat that got me suspicious."

 

[melody]

Three gays are in a spa bath - Suddenly a blob of semen floats to the
surface of the spa.
They all look at each other and one says to the other two:
"Ok, which of you two morons farted?"

 

[melody]

Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sally
and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.

 

[melody]

Handling

Once a plane crashed somewhere in the mountains, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive.

Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand English and reply. The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: “When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?”
Monkey: “Tying their belts”

Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?”
Monkey: “Saying Hello! Good morning!”

Officer: “What were the pilots doing?”
Monkey: “Checking the system”

Officer: “What were you doing?”
Monkey: “Looking for my people”

Officer: “After 10 minutes what were the travelers doing?”
Monkey: “Having beverages and snacks”

Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?”
Monkey: “Serving the travelers”

Officer: “What were the Pilots doing?”
Monkey: “Handling the steering”

Officer: “What were you doing?”
Monkey: “Eating & throwing”

Officer: “After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?”
Monkey: “Some were sleeping and some were reading”

Officer: “What were the air hostesses ?”
Monkey: “Make up”

Officer: “What were the pilots doing?”
Monkey: “Handling the steering”

Officer: “What were you doing?”
Monkey: “Nothing”

Officer: “Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?”
Monkey: “All were sleeping”

Officer: “What were the air hostesses doing?”
Monkey: “Kissing the pilots”

Officer: “What were the pilots doing?”
Monkey: “Responding”

Officer: “What were you doing?”
Monkey: “Handling the steering !!!”

 

[melody]

Finally, what we men
have been waiting for has been released!


Someone has published a 538 page book on

Everything you wanted to know about women'


And its selling like hotcakes.

For details on the publication,

please scroll down

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All the pages are blank!

 

[melody]

Why Vibrator Are Better Than Real Sex

Vibrators don't have problems with gas ...
Nor do they hog the remote ... Nor the computer!

We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want
without being called a slut.

Vibrators never go limp and rubbery, you simply replace the batteries
when it tires.

Position is your choice ... not his.

You don't have to suck it.

It works "while" the sports games are on.

It always is hard.

It doesn't leave a mess behind.

You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.

It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.

You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it home.

They don't get tired after the first time.

They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the
mood.

You don't have to tell the vibrator he's the best you ever had!

Vibrators don't prematurely ejaculate.

Safe sex without a rubber.

Vibrators last as long as YOU want them to last.

As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going
and going and going!

Vibrators do what you want them to do at ALL times!

Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime anywhere you want!!

They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.

It doesn't leave a wet spot.

It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard and it has no
problem finding the "g spot."

You know exactly where its been.

You don't have to stroke its ego.

 

[melody]

HOW A MAN CAN TELL IF A WOMAN HAS PMS:

1. She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
2. She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
3. You ask her what time it is, and she replies, "What do you mean I look fat?!"
4. She makes you sleep on the couch because all the potato chips and cheese
doodles have taken up your side of the bed.
5. She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing
hysterically while riding a broom.
6. Her jeans grow 2 sizes larger while her canine teeth grow 2 inches longer.
7. She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
8. She retains more water than Lake Superior.
9. She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic
and "chambers one."
10. She buys you a new T-shirt-----with a bulls-eye on the front.
11. You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says,
"All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"
12. She answers every question with the same answer, "Over my dead body!"
13. She's more paranoid than O.J. Simpson in a Bruno Magli shoe store.
14. She looks at you thru her thumb and index finger and makes the I'll
squish your tiny head" gesture.
15. She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
16. She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.
17. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
18. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
19. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
20. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
21. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."
22. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
23. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
24. You're counting down the days until menopause.
25. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
26. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

 

[melody]

She looked so fair, in the midnight air,
With the wind blowing up her nightie...
Her tits hung loose, like the balls of a moose,
Jesus Christ Almighty...
The nipples on her tits were as big as my thumb,
The wiggle of her ass could make a dead man come,
She sucks like a vacuum, and she's real fucking dumb,
She's the girl for me.

 

[melody]

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!

 

[melody]

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under the rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh, you're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could just see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey, cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Man: If I were to rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
Woman: Yeah?! Well, if I were to rewrite the alphabet I would put F and U together.
Get my point?!

 

[melody]

Boy friend: You really sing very well.
Girl Friend: Oh no I am just a bathroom singer
Boy friend: Well, then why you and I don't practice singing to-gather.

............ ......... ......... ......... .....


An affluent old man marries a beautiful young woman.

Tabloid interviewer asked the woman, "What did it attract you in this Old man that you married him."

The woman explained, "I was attracted with a big number of dollars and a small number of days ahead."

 

[melody]

Q: Why are Egyptian's Children always confused?

A: Because after death, their daddy becomes the mummy.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..

Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"

Witness: "She is my daughter."

Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..

 

[melody]

Women are evil if they don't get what they need....

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued,

Running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him, There's no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room.'

 

[melody]

Witty answers - read and enjoy ...

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

***********

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?

***********

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

***********

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

***********

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

***********

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

***********

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

***********

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take
This train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

***********

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and
The game went into extra time.

***********

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

***********

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
Commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have
A scotch and soda."

***********

Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in
Two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

***********

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

***********

Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.

***********

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.

***********

Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

***********

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
Field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

***********

Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

***********

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, Shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

 

[melody]

"Ouch!"

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.!
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation.
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."

 

[melody]

SAFETY TIPS FOR MEN WHO VISIT XXX WEBSITES

1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.
2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for
participation in the LIVE sex shows.
3. The fan in your computer's power supply is not a good place
to cool your "heat of passion" (although, it would certainly be an
enlightening experience)
4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy
"tickling the keys" with your manhood.
5. Semen IS electrically conductive!

 

[melody]

Brian and Sarah are staying in a hotel and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed.

However, as soon as they settle down, Brian (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly "Ahh, my precious one! The night is yet young and you, my dear, my darling, you are ravishing. How can I sleep lying next to one such as you?"

Sarah takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first." So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Brian jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone, "Oh my precious, my sweet! Are you all right?"

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours.

Afterwards, Sarah goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Brian looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch