JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Hot diggety dog

Take a hot dog wiener and put it in the microwave for about 20-40 seconds, depending on how warm you want it. Then take the warm wiener and rub your clit with it. Then go back and forth rubbing your clit and putting it in your pussy. The warmth of the hot dog makes me go wild.

 

[melody]

Freak Test

1. Have you ever had intercourse? (5pts)
2.Oral Sex: Giving to Orgasm (5 pts) Receiving (5pts)
3.Licked an ass? (5pts)
4.Had your ass licked? (5pts)
5.Stuck your tongue in their ass? (10pts)
6.Swallowed Cum? (5pts)
7.Practiced Bondage or BDSM ? (5pts)
8.Had anal sex? (5pts)
9.Had an orgasm from anal sex? (5pts)
10.Ever squirted or made someone squirt? (10pts)
11.Squirted from oral or made someone squirt? (5pts)
12.Had sex with someone of the same sex? (5pts)
13.Did a threesome? (5pts)
14.Did a foursome? (5pts)
15.Been in an Orgy? (5pts)
16.Been in a gangbang? (5pts)
17.Had sex in public? (5pts)
18.Snowballed (swapping cum) with someone? (10pts)
19.Had your toes licked or sucked? (5pts)
20.Licked or sucked someone's toes? (5pts)
21.Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a day? (10pts)
22.Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a week? (10pts)
23.Had cyber sex or phone sex? (5pts)
24.Reached an orgasm? (5pts)
25.Watched porn? (5pts)
26.Bought a dirty magazine? (5pts)
27.Posted nude pictures of you on the net? (5pts)
28.Let someone video tape you having sex? (5pts)
29.Had sex without protection? (5pts)
30.Had someone give you a cum facial or gave someone a cum facial? (5pts)
31.Have you participated in any type of golden showers? (10pts)
32.Have you let anyone or have you shit on anyone? (10pts)
33.Had sex with a friend's significant other? (10pts)
34.Ever did one of your significant others friends or relative? (10pts)
35.Have you ever cheated on your significant other? (5pts)
36.Made someone pass out from sex? (10pts)
37.Tasted your own cum? (5pts)
38.Masturbated? (5pts)
39.Let someone watch you? (5pts)
40.Ever showed you naked on cam? (5pts)
41.Had sex while on your period or while someone was on their period?(10pts)
42.Been ate or eaten someone? (10pts)
43.Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? (10pts)
44.Had sex in a vehicle? (5pts)
45.Been caught having sex? (5pts)
46.Paid for sex? (5pts)
47.Used toys during sex? (5pts) Used food? (5pts)
48.Like pain from a little to extreme during sex? (5pts)
49.Ever been dominated in bed? (5pts)
50.Ever had a wet dream? (5pts)
51.Like to have your ass slapped during sex? (5pts)
52.Like having your nipples licked, sucked, or bitten? (5pts)
53.Had sex with someone you didn't know their name? (10pts)
~~~~~

Scoring ...

0 - 50 Average man or woman (need to be a little more adventurous)
51 - 100 Beginner Freak (keep up the good work)
101 - 150 Big Freak (your heading in the right direction)
151 - 200 Professional Freak (you could charge for your services)
201 - 250 King or Queen Freak (others will never forget you)
251 - over SUPER FREAK (you could write the book, teach the class, and hang the certificate on your wall)

 

[jinkl]

Freak Test

1. Have you ever had intercourse? (5pts)
2.Oral Sex: Giving to Orgasm (5 pts) Receiving (5pts)
3.Licked an ass? (5pts)
4.Had your ass licked? (5pts)
5.Stuck your tongue in their ass? (10pts)
6.Swallowed Cum? (5pts)
7.Practiced Bondage or BDSM ? (5pts)
8.Had anal sex? (5pts)
9.Had an orgasm from anal sex? (5pts)
10.Ever squirted or made someone squirt? (10pts)
11.Squirted from oral or made someone squirt? (5pts)
12.Had sex with someone of the same sex? (5pts)
13.Did a threesome? (5pts)
14.Did a foursome? (5pts)
15.Been in an Orgy? (5pts)
16.Been in a gangbang? (5pts)
17.Had sex in public? (5pts)
18.Snowballed (swapping cum) with someone? (10pts)
19.Had your toes licked or sucked? (5pts)
20.Licked or sucked someone's toes? (5pts)
21.Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a day? (10pts)
22.Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a week? (10pts)
23.Had cyber sex or phone sex? (5pts)
24.Reached an orgasm? (5pts)
25.Watched porn? (5pts)
26.Bought a dirty magazine? (5pts)
27.Posted nude pictures of you on the net? (5pts)
28.Let someone video tape you having sex? (5pts)
29.Had sex without protection? (5pts)
30.Had someone give you a cum facial or gave someone a cum facial? (5pts)
31.Have you participated in any type of golden showers? (10pts)
32.Have you let anyone or have you shit on anyone? (10pts)
33.Had sex with a friend's significant other? (10pts)
34.Ever did one of your significant others friends or relative? (10pts)
35.Have you ever cheated on your significant other? (5pts)
36.Made someone pass out from sex? (10pts)
37.Tasted your own cum? (5pts)
38.Masturbated? (5pts)
39.Let someone watch you? (5pts)
40.Ever showed you naked on cam? (5pts)
41.Had sex while on your period or while someone was on their period?(10pts)
42.Been ate or eaten someone? (10pts)
43.Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? (10pts)
44.Had sex in a vehicle? (5pts)
45.Been caught having sex? (5pts)
46.Paid for sex? (5pts)
47.Used toys during sex? (5pts) Used food? (5pts)
48.Like pain from a little to extreme during sex? (5pts)
49.Ever been dominated in bed? (5pts)
50.Ever had a wet dream? (5pts)
51.Like to have your ass slapped during sex? (5pts)
52.Like having your nipples licked, sucked, or bitten? (5pts)
53.Had sex with someone you didn't know their name? (10pts)
~~~~~

Scoring ...

0 - 50 Average man or woman (need to be a little more adventurous)
51 - 100 Beginner Freak (keep up the good work)
101 - 150 Big Freak (your heading in the right direction)
151 - 200 Professional Freak (you could charge for your services)
201 - 250 King or Queen Freak (others will never forget you)
251 - over SUPER FREAK (you could write the book, teach the class, and hang the certificate on your wall)

hahaha they should test u on a Lie Detector test with all these questions lol

 

[melody]

Ashes to ashes,
Dust to dust,
If it weren't for women ...
Men's dicks would rust!
=====

French is a beautiful language because it enables a person to
express very complex ideas with a minimum number of words ...

... For example, "Mardi Gras" means " ... A student cannot reasonably
be expected to write term papers if they have a beer in one hand
and a titty in the other!" ...
=====

What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on it.
=====

What's the purpose of a bellybutton?
To put your gum in on the way down.
=====

 

[melody]

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said "Shit! Your hole is a tight one!"
Said the girl, "Shut your face!"
"You're in the wrong place!"
"There's plenty of room in the right one!"

 

[melody]

At a bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for Dummies". Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce?
Aren't there enough of them on the roads now?

 

[melody]

Mother Fucker

In a first grade class on the first day of school, the teacher wanted to
get to know all the students, so she had them all stand up and say their names.
A little boy stood up and said that his name was "Mother Fucker."
"Excuse me?" asked the incredulous teacher.
"That's right ho, my name be Mother Fucker."
"Well listen here," said the teacher, "this may be the
first day of school, and you may think you can use foul language to get
attention, but I can assure you that I won't tolerate it. Now, tell me
your real name right now or I will send you straight to the principal's
office."
The black boy replied, "Look bitch, I said my name be Mother
Fucker, and I mean ta tell ya, it be Mother Fucker!"
"Well, that's it!
Get out of my classroom right now!" The boy headed for the door and when he got there he turned to his twin brother who was also in the classroom and said, "Come on, Fuck Face, the bitch ain't gonna believe you either."

 

[melody]

P'njaab Airways : IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT

Gud marning, Ladies and Gen'lemen.

On behalf of Captaan Balbir Singh 'Bobby', this is your Flight Supervisor Banta Singh "Bunty" welcoming to you on the P'njaab Airways flight no. 9211 to Ludhiana.

We apalogize for the two-day delay in taking off, b'cause the sun was not shining brightly in the fog. And we are knowing the sun does not shine in the night.

Landing in Ludhiana is not dafinite, but with good luck we can be landing d'rectly in your v'llage.

P'njaab Airways has exc'llant record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the fully trained tarrists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us.

I am pleased to 'nounce that starting this year over 90% of our p'ssaingers have reached to their dest'nation.

For the rest 10%, the P'njaab Airways staff has lots of experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be haippy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.

If engines are too noisy, on p'ssainger request, we can turn them off for comfart, but your flight will become late and you may become the late also.

For our religious p'ssaingers, we are the only airline who can help you to contact God at once. In case of sudden loss of cabin pressure, Holy Books will be quickly distributed.

We regret that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we could not record it from the tallyvision due to power cut.

But we will be flying right naxt to Air India, where their movie can be seen from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been opened

For your viewing convenience. For p'ssaingers on left side, we have put binoculars under the seat.

If AirIndia flight is again cancelled, then for your in-flight ent'tainment. Our hostesses Bubbly Kaur & Cuckoo Kaur will do the Bhangra with flight stewards Pappu and Tappu. Oye, Balle Balle!!

Your in-flight Menu has a choice of Chicken Tikka Masala, Tandoori Fish, Dal makhani, unlimited P'ronthas and Lassi.

There is a half charge for Red Label Whiskey served from Black Label bottles. Patiala pegs will be served only on Patiala flights.

As per safety rules, smoking is not allowed on all P'njaab Airways flights over P'njaab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines.

Please do read the 'structions on the Safety Card in seat pocket in your front side. It is not a hand fan.

The P'ssainger behind you must read the card in your backside.

Life jackets are placed under your seats for emergency water landings on any of our 5 rivers. Do not use life jackets on the land.

Kindly keep your seat in upright position for take-off & landing. Also do not use force. Broken seats will not be replaced and you will be tied to the floor during take off and landing.

Please be seated first and then fasten your seatbelts. Do not call for steward or airhostess for a glass of water when plane is taking off.

We are about to take-off. We wish you a pleasant flight. For air sikness problems we have echo friendly jute bags in the sit pokets

Thank you once again for flying with P'njaab Airways

 

[melody]

The scholarly gentleman and The Boatman

One day, a very scholarly gentleman, while travelling in India, decided to go across big river, so he asked one of the village people who owned a small boat, if he would take him, to this request the boatman agreed.

As they started, the sun became obscured by dark clouds, and as the river was large, the gentleman realised that the crossing would take some time. So he started a conversation with the boatman.

"Did you know that the sun is approximately 93,000,000miles away, and yet it has provided heat and light, throughout the universe since time immemorial, baring that, if it was to shift, even a fraction of an inch out of its orbit, there would be total devastation?"

The boatman replied; "My dear sir, I am just a simple man who has had no education, there is no way I could know such information"

"Then" said the gentleman "You are 25% fool".

Some time passed, and as they were coming to the ½ way mark, the thunder began to rumble.

"Did you know notice the lightening, just before the rumbling sound". The gentleman asked. He continued. "Do you know how that phenomenon occurs"

"No sir" replied the boatman.

"Its occurrence is due to the expansion of rapidly heated air," the gentleman exclaimed, " You are 50% fool.

About ¾ of the way the weather completely changed. It became dark and started to rain heavily and started filling up the little boat with water clearly making it difficult for the boatman. But the foolish gentleman insisted in questioning.

"Do you know how we get rain",

"No sir," was the reply."

" The sun evaporates water from the sea, this gets stored in the clouds which then travel by be wind power, then when they become full, it lets all the water go, over the land. That's how we get rain."

"You are 75% fool." Said the gentleman, now feeling very smug.

The gentleman was suddenly interrupted from his basqueing by a loud cry from the boatman,

"Oh no! I have lost my oar and now the water is about capsize the boat, we have no alternative but to swim the remainder of the way, luckily for us it is not very far."

"But I can't swim," cried the gentleman now seeing his own imminent death.

"Then my dear sir, you are 100% fool" said the boatman.

 

[melody]

When I asked her to the prom...She just looked at me, giggled and
smiled. When I asked her to dance...She just looked at me, giggled
and smiled. When I asked her to move in with me...She just looked at
me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to kiss me...She just looked
at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to make love to me...She
just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked for her hand in
marriage...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her
to bear my children...She just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

That's when I realized she was a Retard.

 

[melody]

Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny: As old as I am.

Teacher: How is it possible?
Sunny: He became father only after I was born.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..


Teacher : Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.
Everyone must attend it.
Raju: No mam I will not be able to attend it.

Teacher : Why?
Raju: My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..


Question: What is the full form of math's.

Answer: Mentally affected teachers harassing students

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..


Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ?

Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

 

[melody]

Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has
granny got a shrimp between her legs?"

"Don’t be silly, granny hasn’t got a shrimp between her legs!" his
mother replies.

But little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.

With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok, I
have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"

Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma’s room where, being a very
hot evening, granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on.
Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between
granny’s legs. "Look I told you so" he shouts "See a little shrimp!"

His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "Ok Johnny, I know it
looks a bit like a little shrimp but it’s called a clitoris".

"That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp........"

 

[melody]

An American black dude was driving his Cadillac in Mexico and pulled
into a station for gas. There was a Mexican boy sitting on a fruit crate
peeling an apple. The black dude got impatient. "Hey, how about pumping
me some mother fucking gas?"

The kid said "Senor, we don't like that word 'mother fucker' in this
country.", and kept on peeling his apple.

The dude said, "Hey, I said I need some mother fucking gas!"

The kid said, "Senor, I done told you, we don't like that word 'mother
fucker' here."

The dude said "You gonna pump me some mother fucking gas or am I gonna
have to pump it my self."

The kid said "Senor, I must show you something." He tossed the apple
into the air, cut it into 16 pieces and caught all 16.

The dude said "You gots another mother fucking apple?"

The kid said "Si" and tossed up another apple.

The dude pulled out his .45 and made applesauce out of it.

The kid said "How many mother fucking gallons do you think she'll hold,
Senor?"

 

[melody]

Naughty Limericks

There once was an abbot of Brittany
Who chanted this desolate litany:
"If Christ is the Source
Of Divine Intercourse,
Then how come I don't ever gitany?"

o0o0o0

Said the Cardinal to Mother Superior
"Your singing is awfully inferior!"
She, not to be crass,
did show some real class
Saying, "You can kiss my superior posterior!"

o0o0o0

In the garden of Eden lay Adam
gently stroking his one lovely madam,
and great was his mirth
for on all of this earth
there were only two balls and he had 'em!

o0o0o0

 

[melody]

There once were two young girls from Birmingham
I knew a wild story concerning 'em
They lifted the frock
And diddled the cock
Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em

Now the Bishop was nobody's fool,
He'd been to a fine public school
He lowered his britches
And fucked both those bitches
With his twelve-inch Episcopal tool.

But that didn't startle these two,
Why they laughed as the Bishop withdrew,
The Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you!

 

[melody]

Q. Why do racists compete with others on the basis of color?
A. If they competed based on brains, they'd lose.

Q. Did you hear about the Mexican and the black who opened a restaurant?
A. It's called Nacho Mama.

Q. What did Michael Jackson say to PeeWee Herman?
A. I'll trade you a ten for two fives.

 

[melody]

Footprints

One day a man having conversation with god when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time.

He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there were only one set of footprints.

He asked god "You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life??"

To which god answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you"

*******

Another day I was having a similar conversation with my Project Manager (PM) when my whole project flashed before my eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time.

I saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints.

I asked my PM, "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the project??"

To which my PM answered, "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you... You see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times I was "sitting on your head!!!"

 

[melody]

Thoughts To Live By

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is
due.

Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters
and too young to borrow the family car.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can
happen to you the rest of the day!

 

[melody]

Blonde Moments!

"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress
walked into the bar.

"It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there
was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying
in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was
fractured,
and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that
first-aid course.

"What did you do?" asked the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

 

[melody]

Twenty More Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say...

1) I'm bored. Let's shave my fanny!
2) Shouldn't you be down at the pub with your mates?
3) That was a great fart! Do another one!
4) I've decided to stop wearing clothes in the house.
5) You're so sexy with a hangover.
6) I'd rather go and play Virtual Fighter than go shopping.
7) Let's start subscribing to Penthouse.
8) Would you like to see a video of me going down on my friend?
9) I'll swallow it all... I love the taste of cum.
10) Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
11) Just for a change can we try anal sex tonight?
12) I really like football, can you take me to a game.
13) You'd better drive, you're far safer than I am, and besides everyone knows women can't drive.
14) Actually we shouldn't have been given the vote, we're better off in the kitchen.
15) I think a big motorbike is a good idea.
16) I don't care if my bum looks big in this, let's just go and get pissed.
17) We haven't gone out with your mates for a while, shall we all go to Stringfellows.
18) Why can't you let your hair down and have a few vodka chasers with me.
19) I know you're already late for work, but can I gag on it just one more time.
20) Aim where you like, it's really good for my skin.