JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

29 PICK UP LINES THAT MIGHT NOT WORK

1. If you and I were squirrels,could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat,I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached,scrambled,or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your
face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea,I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti.Let's go fuck.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10.If your right leg was Thanksgiving,and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass,I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

12. Your parents must! be retarded,because you are special.

13. Could I touch your belly button.....from the inside?

14. I'm not too good at algebra,but doesn't U+I = 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

17. I'm new in town,could I have directions to your house.

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong,but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here,but beauty is only a light switch away.

21. Hey baby,what's your sign? Caution,slippery when wet,dangerous curves ahead,yield?

22. I can't find my puppy,can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa,because it's everywhere I want to be.

25. Can I buy you a drink,or do you just want the money?

26. I may not be the best looking guy here,but I'm the only one talking to you.

27. That shirt looks very becoming on you,but if I were on you,I'd be coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out,but it appears that someone beat me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry,I thought that was a braille name tag

 

[melody]

Old Man And Old Woman


An old man and an old woman are both in an old folks home and have not had sex in almost thirty years, they both quite fancy each other, and decide to have sex with one another.
The old man tells the old lady there is a day trip to Blackpool for the old folks on Wednesday, he suggests they should stay behind so they can get it on while the others are away.
When Wednesday comes round all the old folks leave on a bus and the old man makes his way round to the old ladies room.
As he enters the room he finds the old woman naked on the bed with her legs spread, the man races in to perform some well-needed cunnilingus on the woman.
After about 10 seconds the old man raises his head and tells the old woman he can't carry on as the smell is too bad.
The old woman slightly embarrassed by this and says "I'm sorry, the smell must be down to my Arthritis"
"Arthritis?" says the old man "How can arthritis cause such a bad smell?"
"It's my shoulders" says the old woman "I can't wipe my arse properly".

 

[melody]

A Chicken Dish

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"

=====

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".

 

[melody]

50 Dumb Uses For Used Condoms...

1) Bicycle handle grips.
2) French tickler animals.
3) Shower caps for people with tiny heads.
4) Put one on a light bulb for mood lighting.
5) Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.
6) Get 1000 and make a submarine.
7) Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.
8) Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.
9) Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.
10) Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.
11) Water wings for those non-swimmers.
12) Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.
13) Jello molds.
14) Finger puppets.
15) A wind sock.
16) Use as a bobber when fishing.
17) Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.
18) Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.
19) Suspenders.
20) Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)
21) Small animal muzzle.
22) Put them on your fingers & play proctologist.
23) Put them on your toes to make swim fins.
24) Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses.
25) Automatic door closing devices.
26) Have 'water' balloon fights.
27) Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.
28) Freeze them for an all- natural popsicle.
29) Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy.
30) Use for a Xmas stocking stuffings for those that screwed you.
31) Ear/nose plugs.
32) Use 365 of them to make into a tire, and call it a "Good Year".
33) Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.
34) Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde.
35) Paint scales on them & put them in a fishtank.
36) "I challenge you to a duel!"
37) Drain plugs.
38) Put them in with your tax return.
39) Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.
40) Punching bags.
41) Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan.
42) Send 69 of them to your ex-girlfriend.
43) Novelty key rings.
44) Hang them all around your windshield and be a Chicano.
45) Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake.
46) Break out your paints and make wax fruit.
47) Glue them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite directions.
48) Make a patch work "water" bed.
49) Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!
50) Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying "Gobble Gobble".

 

[melody]

Rogers' Motorcycle

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle.
He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."

Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.

As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."

When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.

They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops her right there on the dining room table.
Nobody says nothing.

He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her.

He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.

Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the fucking dishes."

=====

A young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting university.

"Mum, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend."

"I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."

"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked.

"The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got really sore."

 

[melody]

A Brothel

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam
he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman.
"Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

=====

There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.

=====

This guy is banging this girl, the girl asks, "You haven't got aids have you?"
He replies, "No."
She responds,
"Oh, thank fuck for that! I don't want to get that again!"

 

[melody]

Women Bashing...

She goes to all parties incognito -- No leash

They even made a movie about her sex life --"The Night
of the Living Dead"

She's not pushing forty --She's dragging it!

I'm not saying she's fat --But I could have sworn I
heard her calves "moo"

She's been "Born again" --Trouble is, she came back as herself

I'm not saying she's narrow minded...Then again, she
only wears one earring

Although the doctor said she didn't have ulcers.
Her husband insists she's a carrier.

I'm not saying she's a pushy broad...But I hear she took
private lessons from Hillary

She inherited her beauty --Her Father left her the
family's drugstore

She sez her face is her fortune --I agree, but she oughta
keep it in a vault

I wouldn't exactly say she was fat --She's just a little
broad shouldered around the hips

Personally, I think she overdid the diet bit --She could
be a poster girl for a famine

She always sez "Talk is Cheap" --She oughta know; I think
she gets it wholesale

=====

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home."
I went over - nobody was home !!

I could never get girls. So to fool my friends, I'd go to a
drive in and do push ups in the back seat of the car.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night she used me to time an egg.

Q. How can you tell a female Hershey bar?
A. Its the one without the nuts

Q. What's the difference between dark and hard?
A. It stays dark all night.

Q. Why do men like blowjobs?
A. It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight.

 

[melody]

26 Reasons Men Have 2 Dogs And Not 2 Wife's

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name

5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

6. A dog's parents never visit.

7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

10. Dogs seldom outlive you.

11. Dogs can't talk.

12. You never have to wait for a dog! They’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater!

22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.

25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

 

[melody]

The Mailman Retires

After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

'All of this was just too wonderful for words', he said; 'But what's the dollar for'?

'Well', she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; 'Screw him. Give him a dollar'. 'The breakfast was my idea!!'

 

[melody]

Sunbathed

To prepare for his big date with a blonde hottie, the young man
went up to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed
to get a sunburn on his "tool of the trade."
This young man was determined not to miss this date, so he put
some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man
treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the
living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again.
He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured himself a
tall, cool, glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk
and experienced an immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his
Johnson immersed in the glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde
exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

=====

Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their nuts!

You know you're getting old when you can't tell the difference between
a heart attack and an orgasm.

 

[melody]

How Do You Piss?

EXCITABLE - Runs in, grabs for zipper, zipper is stuck; finally gets it down, finds shorts have twisted around his leg, can't find hole, rips button off in rage, pisses in pants.

SOCIABLE - Joins a friend in a piss whether he has to or not.

CROSS-EYED - Looks in one on left, pisses in one in middle, flushes one on right.
NOSEY - Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

TIMID - Cannot urinate when someone is watching. Flushes urinal as if he has already used it, sneaks back later.
INDIFFERENT - All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

CLEVER - No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on floor.
WORRIED - Is not sure of what he has been into lately; makes quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS - Plays stream up and down and across urinal, tries to hit fly, never grows up.
ABSENT-MINDED - Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
DISGUSTED - Stands for a while, gives up, walks out, goes a few paces, turns and charges back. Doesn't make it.

SNEAKY - Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will be blamed.

CHILDISH - Looks directly into bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
PATIENT - Stands for a very long time, reads paper with free hand.

DESPERATE - Waits in long line, teeth grinding, pisses in pants.
EFFICIENT - Waits until he has to shit and then does both jobs at once.

TOUGH - Bangs penis against side of urinal to dry it.
FAT - Has to back up and take a long blind shot at urinal, misses, pisses on shoes.

LITTLE - Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK - Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

 

[melody]

Rules To Determine If Sex Counts

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex
counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if
you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day,
doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex,
doesn't count

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm,
doesn't count

5. Sex with a friend,
doesn't count, it's just another thing you share

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for this",
doesn't count

7. An old flame,
doesn't count

8. An ex-spouse,
doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck"

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same,
sorry, not sex...not cheating

10. Cyber-sex -
NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11. Two heterosexual women having fun,
not sex

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves,
not sex,
BUT only if you do not know their significant other

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated,
doesn't count

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other,
doesn't count,
this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet
"...not cheating

16. Acts committed in a public place,
doesn't count
(why should it, it was public, right?)

17. Phone sex,
doesn't count,
refer back to "glorified masturbation"

18. In car,
doesn't count,
way too cramped, if vehicle is
in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts,
way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act
was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter
did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm),
doesn't count

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not
been exchanged (pull'n pray method of birth control)
doesn't count

21. An act in which no kissing takes place,
doesn't count
(not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22. Any act in which "you do all the work",
doesn't count

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor,
doesn't count,
this should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are
angry with your significant other
doesn't count

25. An act which only happens on a random basis,
doesn't count,
this should be considered "getting acquainted".

26. An act with a US President
doesn't count,
unless the Senate votes impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss,
doesn't count,
just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.

SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

 

[melody]

Confession

A girl goes to confession.

"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.

"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"

"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes father," she says sometime later.

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

=====

A girl came home from a date.

Her mother had waited up for her, and when the girl walked in the door, the mother noticed she had rice in her hair.

"Sally," she said, "you didn't tell me you were going to a wedding."

"I didn't mom," Sally replied. "I was giving a blowjob to a Chinese guy and he threw up on me."

=====

The sea captain's tender young bride
Fell into the bay at low tide,
You could tell by her squeals,
That some of the eels,
Had discovered a dark place to hide.

 

[melody]

No Arms, No Legs

A very good looking guy is walking down the beach and he
sees a woman with no arms or legs, just "sitting" there.
As he approaches her, he notices that she is crying her
eyes out. He bends down and asks "why are you crying?"
She replies, "I've never been deeply kissed, would you
kiss me?"

So he thinks for a second and then bends down, gives her a
deep kiss and starts to walk away again. But then she
starts bawling and crying even louder. He turns and asks
why she's crying this time. She looks at him wantonly
and says, "I've never been fucked before."
So he thinks for another second, walks over to her,
bends down and picks her up, and chucks her into the
ocean, and says, "Well, you're fucked now."
=====

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in
the place!"

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but
direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"

 

[melody]

Darling Husband

To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know
about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned
into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get
hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The
garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a
halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you
will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my
sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms
again.
Your loving wife.
PS: Your girlfriend called...

=====

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other's penis and notices there's a nicotine patch on it.

He looks up at the priest and says,
"I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder,
not on your penis."

The Priest replies,
"It's working just fine... I'm down to two butts a day."

=====

Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?
A. A police horse.

 

[melody]

Bull-Shit

At the end of the workday, one cowboy tells another, "That new
bull nearly did me in today, partner."

"Oh yeah, what happened?"

"I was putting out the feed, when the sucker came charging at me
like a locomotive from hell. He damn near got me!"

"So, how'd you get away?"

The bull kept slipping. He slipped three times, and that gave me
a chance to make it to the fence and jump over."

"Man, that's scary. If it'd been me, I would probably have shit
all over the place."

"I DID! What do you think that bull was slipping in?

=====

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!

There is a new shoe for lesbians called Dike.
It comes with an extra long tongue and you can get it off
with one finger.

=====

A Polish girl went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and
got up into the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at the
neglectful state of her vagina he asked,
"When was the last time you had a check-up?"

"Well, to be honest with you," she blushed,
"I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several
Hungarians."

=====

Jill goes to her Gynecologist complaining of pain during intercourse.
"Every time I do it doggy style, it hurts terribly!" she exclaims.
The doctor queries, "Why don't you use the missionary position?"
"I would...but I can't stand the dog's breath in my face."

 

[melody]

A Fart Problem

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office.
"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

=====

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard

=====

A study published in "Neurology" says people who snore are more prone
to getting headaches. No reason is given.

I wonder - could it be on account of their spouses hitting them in the
head all night long trying to get them to stop snoring?
=====

Ya know, if guys had a period,
they'd probably brag about the size of their tampons...

What should you do if you arrive home and find your wife in bed
with another man?
-Make sure his guide dog hasn't shit on the bedroom floor!

Why shouldn't you have sex with your wife in the morning?
-Because you've got all day to find something better!

 

[melody]

Sick On Monday

A guy gets a new job and he works Tuesday to Friday, but on Monday he calls his boss and says: "I can not come in today. I'm sick."

The same thing happens next week and the week after.

The boss gets irritated, but he doesn't want to fire the guy,because he's really good at what he does. He calls him in his office and says to him: "Listen, I'm really happy that I've hired you, but you simply don't work on Mondays. Tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?"

"No," replies the guy, "I don't drink at all and I don't do drugs. But my sister is married to this guy, who drinks every weekend. So when he comes home he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she's OK. She starts crying on my shoulder, one thing leads to another and then we start fucking."

"You fuck your sister?"

The guy replies, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

=====

The once was a girl named Kate,
Whose pussy smelled like bait!
Whenever Jeff pounds her
The room reeks of flounder.
Her twat, she should refrigerate.

 

[melody]

Sipping His Drink

A guy is at a bar sipping his drink when he spots a gorgeous blonde sitting at one of the tables with her friends.

She catches him staring at her and they eye each other for a while.

Then he decides to go for it and motions to her with his finger (you know, that "come here" motion made by the index finger).

So she walks over to where he's standing. He leans over and in a low voice whispers in her ear,

"If I could make you 'come' with one finger, imagine what I could do with a whole hand."

=====

A guy is driving through the country and his car breaks down.

He sees a farmhouse in the distance, so he goes over and knocks on the door.

A little kid comes to the door, and the guy says, "My car just broke down and I'd like to use your telephone. Is you mom home?"

The little kid says, "Nope."

The guy says, "Well, where is she?"

The little kid says, "Oh, she's out in the backyard, fucking the old goat."

The guy goes, "Oh my God! Isn't she afraid of getting pregnant?"

The little kid says, "Naaa-aaa!"

 

[melody]

Laws Around The World

> In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with
animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with
a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

> Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a
woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during
the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

> Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the
deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

> The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is
decapitation. (Wonder which head?)

> There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
Countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege
of having sex for the first time...
Reason: under
Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a
minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even
comes close to this?)

> In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired.(Ah! Justice!)

> Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but
only in tropical fish stores.(But of course!)

> In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

> In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough
problem that they had to pass this law?)

> In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption
on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?
> ... Not as great as Guam!)