JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Raise In Salary

Salary Increase

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for
the following reasons:

> I do physical labor
> I work at great depths
> I plunge headfirst into everything I do
> I do not get weekends off or public holidays
> I work in a damp environment
> I don't get paid overtime
> I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
> I work in high temperatures
> My work has the potential to expose me to contagious
diseases

Reply

Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for
the following reasons:

> You do not work 8 hours straight
> You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
> You do not always follow the orders of the management team
> You do not stay in your allocated position, and often Visit other areas
> You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
> You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
> You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
Such as wearing the correct protective clothing
> You'll retire well before reaching 65
> You're unable to work double shifts
> You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed
the days work
> And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags
> Sincerely
> The Management

 

[melody]

A Few More Ways To Say Someone Is Intellectually Impaired

- A few hairs short of a wig.
- Three feathers short of being fluffy.
- The dip stick doesn't reach the oil.
- Sharp as a bubble.
- Nice toy---no batteries.
- A few quacks short of a duck.
- A few peas shy of having a casserole.
- A few trucks short of a convoy.
- An experiment in artificial stupidity.
- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
- Doesn't have all the dots on their dice.
- Forgot to pay the brain bill.
- If brains were taxed, he'd get a refund.
- Couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.

=====

A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment. "Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked.

"I'll need the information for the doctor."

"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."

"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."

 

[melody]

Top Ten Things Men / Women Would Do If They Woke Up With A
Vagina / Penis For A Day:

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up in the morning with a Vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.


Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the morning with a penis:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.

6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.

And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:

1. Repeat # 9.

 

[melody]

What Kind Of Man Are You?

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred
to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had
sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the
last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

 

[melody]

Pulled Over By A Cop

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Peter. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Peter, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Peter, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

=====

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"

 

[melody]

Little Stevie

Little Stevie came home from College and told his
mother, "I got straight F's but I had sex with my
teacher!"

Angry, she told him to go and tell his father.

At first, his father was pissed, but when his
mother was out of ear-shot, his father said:
"Stevie, your mother can never know this, but
your old man is proud of you."

He then gave his boy a friendly tap on the butt.

"WATCH IT!" said Stevie, "I'm still pretty sore
back there!"

=====

Joe walks into a store and the babe behind the counter asks him,
"What would you like?"
"What I'd like," he answers, "is to jump over the counter, tear
off all of your clothes with my teeth, and brutally horse fuck you
right there on the floor. What I NEED, though, is a pair of socks."

=====

Q: Did you know 70% of the faggot population were born that way?
A: The other 30% were sucked into it.

Q: What do you call two faggots on a waterbed?
A: A fruit float!

Q: What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You can't gargle sand!

Q: What's the Latin name for a lesbian?
A: Strapadictomy.

Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the shit out of you.

 

[melody]

ROBIN HOOD
(The Untold Story)

You've heard the tale of Robin Hood
And how he did poor people good
There is more to this famous story
of Sherwood Forest's pride and glory

At night when all the robbing was done
The merry men would have some fun
In fact it would be fair to say
The merry men were rather gay

As Little John starts to unwind
Robin takes him from behind
As they frolic in the grass
Robin rams it up his arse

One night when they were all at play
A gorgeous maiden came their way
She sauntered up to Friar Tuck
And said "I'm Marion - wanna fuck?"

Friar could not believe his ears
"She's offering sex to all us queers!"
While he recovered from the shock
Robin presented her with his cock

Marion's clothes were off in a flash
And three merry men all had a bash
For Marion this was sheer bliss
As they filler her every orifice

When all was done she gave a whine
"Thank you boys for a lovely time.
But for your pleasure you must pay
I've got the pox - have a nice day."

"Now listen here" said Friar Tuck
"We really don't give a fuck"
"The laughs on you, you silly cow"
"We're all got AIDS - so who's fucked now!"

~~~~
Q: What do you call two faggots on a waterbed?
A: A fruit float!

Q: Why are faggots always the quickest out of a burning building?
A: Because they've already got their shit packed.

Q: How does a faggot fake an orgasm?
A: He spits on your back.

Q: How do faggots dispose of their condoms?
A: By Farting.

Q: What do you call a fag that doesn't have aids?
A: A lucky cocksucker.

Q: What did the poof do when he missed his boyfriend?
A: He shit in his hand and had a wank.

Q: Hear about the new gay sitcom?
A: "Leave it, it's Beaver."

Q: Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
A: He found a hare up his ass.

~~~~
Two faggots are in a hot tub pushing a big turd back and forth in the
water. Another fag walks by and asks, "What the hell are you two doing?"
"We are teaching our baby to swim!"

~~~~

Two faggots are living together. Bruce goes out to work while Cyril
stays at home everyday to do the housework.

One day Bruce comes home and finds Cyril with his bum in the fridge.

"What are you doing Cyril?" he asks, to which Cyril replies, "Oh Bruce, I thought you might like something nice and cool to slip into when you came home."

 

[melody]

Mommy, Mommy

Mommy, Mommy… Grandma’s got a bruise!
Shut up and eat around it!

Mommy, Mommy… Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up or you’ll wake your father.

Mommy, Mommy… That really hurt!
Shut up and crawl back up the stairs again.

Mommy, Mommy… My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!

Mommy, Mommy… Where did your scabs go?
Shut up and eat your corn flakes!

Mommy, Mommy… What’s an orgasm?
I don’t know dear, ask your father.

Mommy, Mommy… What’s a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!

Mommy, Mommy… I’m getting dizzy.
Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot down!

Mommy, Mommy… Daddy puked again!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

Mommy, Mommy… I don’t wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.

Mommy, Mommy… I hate Daddy’s guts.
Shut up kid and keep eating.

Mommy, Mommy… Why am I so ugly?
Shut up and finish combing your face.

Mommy, Mommy… Daddy’s running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!

Mommy, Mommy… What’s for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!

Mommy, Mommy… What’s a lesbian?
Go ask your father, she’ll know.

Mommy, Mommy… I hate tomato soup!
Shut up son, we only have it once a month!

Mommy, Mommy… Sally won’t come skipping with me.
Don’t be cruel, you know it makes her stumps bleed.

Mommy, Mommy… I don’t want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!

Mommy, Mommy… Can I wear a bra now that I’m 16?
Shut up, Albert.

Mommy, Mommy… Why is everybody running?
Shut up and reload.

 

[melody]

A Horsefly And An Elephant

A horsefly kept biting an elephant near her tail. She kept swinging her trunk, but he was far out of reach.

A little sparrow observed this and flew down and snipped the horsefly in half.

"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "Listen, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask."

The sparrow paused. "Well, ma'am -," he said.

"What is it," said the elephant. "You needn't be shy with me."

"Well," said the sparrow, "the truth is that all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant."

"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!"

The sparrow began to fuck away. Up above them, a monkey got very excited and started to masturbate. This shook a coconut loose and it hit the elephant smack on the head.

"Ouch!" said the elephant.

The sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

=====

The lady wasn't even in the mood
The first time she saw a man nude,
When asked if she'd like sex
Thought it couldn't be complex
And just sat on what she saw protrude

 

[melody]

Men's Facts About Women

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

What is the definition of 'making love'?
Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What's the difference between premenstrual tension and BSE?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

Why does a bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and the fridge.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.

Why did God create women?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
Internet, telephone, telawoman.

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

How are twisters (tornadoes) and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.


What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with
everyone at the party except you.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years, the job still sucks.

What's the definition of love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

 

[melody]

Teach Sex Education

A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well.

The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asked does anyone know what this is? Little Suzie responds I know, I know! It's a picture of a breast and my mommy has two of them! The teacher says very good Suzie, you get a star for the exercise

The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It's a picture of a penis. She asks Does anyone know what this is? and little Tommy says I know I know!! It a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!

The teacher says well Tommy, It is a penis but your daddy can't have two of them.

Tommy says sure he does, he's got a little one he pees out of and a great big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!

=====
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

 

[melody]

Going Fishing

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

=====

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".

The husband thought for a few moments, then said,

"Your pussy is tighter than your sister's".

 

[melody]

A Drunks Bathroom

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the
bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is
screaming about.
What's all the screaming about in there?
You're scaring my customers!
I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,
You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!

=====

'Cause of you
In the morning I do not eat because I think of you.
At noon I do not eat because I think of you.
In the evening I do not eat because I think of you.
At night I do not sleep because I am hungry.

=====

The doctor tells a male patient that he has a case of venereal disease. The man replies "That is impossible, I haven't
been with anyone recently. I must have caught it off a toilet seat". Doctor says, " in that case you must have been
chewing it because you have got it in your gums!!

=====

Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

Q. What should you do if your epileptic grandma is having a seizure in the bathtub?
A. Throw in some Tide and a load of dirty clothes.

Q. How do you re-fit an old whore?
A. Shove a five pound ham up her pussy and pull out the bone.

 

[melody]

Fresh Sex With Fill-up

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the
owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his
free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he
guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in
for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again
gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The
redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was
4. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that
game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged my wife
won twice last week."
=====
Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse then?"

 

[melody]

Mad Cow Disease!
A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease .......

Lady : Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reason that causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason ?

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said, " Do you know that the bull screws the cow once a year ? "

The Lady ( getting embarrassed ) : " Well sir, that's a new piece of information. But what is the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease ? "

The Farmer : " Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day ? "

The Lady : " Yes ! But can you come to the point please ? "

The Farmer : " I am getting to the point Madam ........ Just imagine ........ if I was playing with your breasts, four times a day and screwing you ........ ONLY ........ once a year, would you also not get mad ? "
=====
In days of old, when knights were bold,
And girls were quite particular.
They would put them up against the wall,
And fuck them perpendicular.

 

[melody]

Has To Be A Virgin

A handsome young man who is wealthy and successful with the ladies was turning thirty years old and decided to relax and stop fooling around and settle down and get married.
But he decides that his wife just has to be a virgin. So he dates numerous girls and after wining and dining them he takes them home and exposes himself. "What is this?" he would ask each girl, pointing to his penis. They would all look bewildered and say, "Ummm, a dick!" and disappointed, he would take them home.
After a few months of trying he met a shy librarian named Ann, he took her out, the same routine, shows himself and says, "What's this?".
Ann replied, "I don't know."
Ecstatic, he marries her and on their honeymoon night he takes her hand and placing it on his dick says, "Now dear, this is a dick!"
"Oh no honey," says Ann, "A dick is much bigger than that, and black!"

=====
What's a condominium?
A condom for an extra small dick!

Why did the guy sleep with his sister in law?
He had it in for his brother!

What did one testicle say to the other?
" Why should we hang, Dick did all the shooting!"

 

[melody]

Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

*About as sharp as a marble.
*A few clowns short of a circus.
*Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas Tree.
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
*I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I'm trying to build an idiot.
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
*He only has one oar in the water.
*A few beers short of a six-pack.
*Dumber than a box of hair.
*A few peas short of a casserole.
*Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
*One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
*One taco short of a combination plate.
*A few feathers short of a whole duck.
*All foam, no beer.
*The cheese slid off her cracker.
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
*He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
*An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
*As smart as bait.
*Chimney's clogged.
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
*Forgot to pay his/her brain bill.
*Her sewing machine's out of thread.
*His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
*If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
*Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
*No grain in the silo.
*Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
*Receiver is off the hook.
*Several nuts short of a full pouch.
*Skylight leaks a little.
*Slinky's kinked.
*Surfing in Nebraska.
*Strong like bear... Smart like tractor.
*Too much yardage between the goal posts.
*Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
*The lights are on, but nobody's home.
*Has an IQ of 2, and it takes 3 to grunt.
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
*24 cents short of a quarter.
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

 

[melody]

Blondes Lawsuit

We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes
about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and
makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is torking to
the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream
cort if we have two. Juj Thomas nose all about hairassment and he will
be on are side.
We have also torked to the govner to make a new law to stop
this pursicushun.
We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much
as blond jokes and every so offen a red hed joke. If we don't
get our way we will not date ennybody that ain't blond and we
will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the blonds at the ofise
(sine with a pensul so you can erace it if you make a mistake)

=====

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?"

 

[melody]

Look Terrible And Smell Bad

A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him
and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible, and smell
bad."

He replied, "I don't know what you mean, I felt great." The man went to
work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter
with you? You look terrible, and smell really bad." The man replied
that there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great.

The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and
said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible, and smell really
bad." The man again replied that he felt great. The client suggested he
go to the doctor right away because he looked and smelt so bad.

The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the
examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible,
and smell really bad." The man explained that everyone was telling him
that he looked terrible, and smell really bad, but that he felt great.

The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that
he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked
up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection
"smells bad" and then the sub-subsection "feels great". The doctor said,
"I found it right here under 'looks terrible, smells bad, but feels
great'.

The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell me,
what is it?"

The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a cunt."

=====

What is the worlds smallest funeral home?
A woman's pussy, you can only get one stiff in at a time.

What do cheerleaders and tampons have in common?
They're both stuck up bitches!

How many animals fit in a condom.
A cock and a few hares.

What does a pussy look like after sex?
Have you ever seen a Bulldog eating Mayonaise?

Life is like a dick. When it's hard you get fucked and when it's soft
you can't beat it!

 

[melody]

Dan And His Sexual Organ

There was a man named Daniel Morgan
Who had a tiny sexual organ
He gave the girls a sudden shock
When they held is tiny cock

He labored hard to find a cure
And poultices it with fish manure
He tied it up with bits of string
But still it was a little thing

Just one inch long when fully reared
and lying down it disappeared
'Twas by chance they called him Danny
Half inch less they'd call him Fanny

One day Dan read in Daily Mail
That things called "falsies" were on sale
For women who had tiny breasts
They wore these things inside their vests
Then went out in latest fashion
To satisfy men's beastly passion

Danny said "I am a fool"
Why can't I make a big false tool
He worked all night upon his chopper
And ended up with a great big whopper

Twelve inches long and made of plastic
it stretched just like a piece of "lastic"
It really was a lovely job
Upon the end a big red knob

Dan tied it on with bits of twine
Really it looked rather fine
Lying beneath his pants
Looking like a ele-phant

Girls flocked around with glee
To see his bulge stretch to his knee
No other fellow stood a chance
When Dan was at the local dance

As girls were dancing round with Dan
They felt his tool against their fan
And soon began to faint and swoon
As Danny waltzed around the room

But what a shock Dan had in store
For one night dancing round the floor
Danny stopped and loudly cursed
He'd felt his strings and strapping's burst

Before he reached the nearest seat
His tool was dangling at his feet
His partner said, with a nervous cough
"Excuse me Dan - your cock's fell off"

A girl named June made Dan sick
She gave his tool a spiteful kick
Poor Danny screamed around the halls
For the string was tied around his balls

As he staggered to the door
He dragged his dick along the floor
All the girls that Dan had dated
Were crying while his cock deflated

The band by now was almost crackers
As Dan went out to bathe his knackers
Wise cracks and scornful laughter
He couldn't face the scene thereafter

So if you're like poor Daniel Morgan
And have a tiny sexual organ
Remember, though it's only wee
It's always good enough to pee