JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS


1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

 

[melody]

Rebuttal Blow Job Etiquette (by a male)

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

 

[melody]

Getting Dates

Mick, a 400 pound country boy had a lot of trouble getting dates with girls. His friends, however, found a 350 pound girl who seemed willing to go out with him. Before his first date, Mick's friend's advised him to be nice to her at first.
"Compliment her on something." They told him, "Chicks always like to hear good things about themselves!"
Mick decided to give it a try, so he left to pick up his hefty honey. His friends were surprised when Mick returned an hour later, all alone.
"What happened?" his friends asked.
"I dunno," Mick replied, "After walking her from the door to the car, I took your advice, and she ran off crying."
"What did you say to her Mick?" his friends asked.
"I told her that for a fat, ugly broad, she didn't sweat so much!" cried Mick.

=====

Little Johnny runs into his house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," says his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny runs back outside, and his mom hears him yell to his friend, "It's OK, we can keep playing!"

 

[melody]

Short Phunnies

A lady with a duck under her arm gets on a train and takes a seat.
The guy sitting opposite her speaks up and says "That is the ugliest pig
I have ever seen". The lady replies "This is not a pig, it's a duck."
The guy then says, "Shut up you stupid bitch, I was talking to the duck."

=====

This is a hole that never heals
The more you rub it the better it feels
And all the soap from here to hell
Can never get rid of that fucking smell

=====

Q. What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A. A man will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. What's the difference between a man and a hog?
A. A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night long just
to fuck some pig.

Q: How can you tell if a crab is an insomniac?
A: It only sleeps in snatches.

Q: How do you get them out?
A: With corn chips.

Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.

Q: Why are women like screen doors?
A: Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.

Q: What do you call the space between the vagina and the asshole?
A: A Chin Rest.

Q: What do you call the useless flesh which surrounds a vagina?
A: A woman.

 

[melody]

Personal Ads From Men

What they really mean...

* 40-ish... 52 and looking for 25-year-old

* Athletic... Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

* Average-looking. .. Unusual hair growth on ears, nose
& back

* Educated... Will always treat you like an idiot

* Free Spirit... Sleeps with your sister

* Friendship First... As long as friendship involves
Nudity

* Fun... Good with a remote and a six-pack

* Huggable... Overweight, more body hair than a bear

* Like to cuddle.... Insecure, overly dependent

* Open-minded. .. Wants to sleep with your sister but
she's not Interested

* Physically fit... I spend a lot of time in front of
A mirror admiring Myself

* Poet... Has written on a bathroom stall

* Spiritual... Once went to church with my grandmother
On Easter Sunday

* Stable... Occasional stalker, but never arrested

* Thoughtful.. . Says "Please" when demanding a beer!

=====

"My but you look different today Claudia." commented
Rene to her co- worker.
"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this
Wide-eyed look. What did you use -- special curlers
And some dramatic eye make-up ?"
"No !" replied Claudia. "My damn vibrator shorted out
This morning."

 

[melody]

New Orgasm Implant

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin under the buttocks. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.

Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:

1. Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.

2. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story headlines.

3. Dad: now surfs with two remotes Mom: never complains

4. She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.

5. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.

6. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at 1,000 Pounds to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your car.

7. The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...

8. "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumb ache."

9. Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.

10. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry..."

11. Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.

12. Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!

13. In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."

14. Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner... errr, never mind.

 

[melody]

Dirty Q's & A's

Q: What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?
A: The drunk will drive through a stop sign while the stoner
will stop and wait for the stop sign to turn green.

Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: 20 blind lesbians in a fish shop !!!!!

Q: What's the definition of a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.

Q: What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
A: "Nice Dick!"

Q: What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
A: Toy's for Twats.

Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?

Q: What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
A: Both capture the moment.

Q: How is sex like software?
A: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.

Q: What is the definition of nothing?
A: When a man with an erection walks into a brick wall and
injures his nose.

Q: Do you know what a Yankee is?
A: The same thing as a quickie but you’re doing it by hand.

Q: Why can't lesbians wear makeup and go on a diet at the same
time?
A: Because it's hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your
face.

Q: How do you recycle a condom?
A: Shake the FUCK out of it!

Q: What's the best thing about Alzheimer's Disease?
A: You make new friends every day.

Q: Why did the faggot think his lover was cheating on him?
A: Because he came home shit faced.

Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A: They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Q: What does a camera and a condom have in common?
A: They both capture that magic moment.

Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

 

[melody]

Lessons I've learned...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the
local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

=====

1. What is the best thing about ****** a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
2. What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
3. What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

 

[melody]

Attention All Heterosexual Men!


Are you unhappy with your lifestyle?

Do you yearn for more in entertainment than monster truck shows have to offer?

Do beer commercials leave you bored and uninterested?

Are you tired of being a decade behind in fashion?

Do you wish you had a nice apartment like the ones on "Will& Grace"?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Act now, and you'll be on your way to living a fabulous, glamorous life as a HOMOSEXUAL!

For a limited time, homosexuals are recruiting heterosexual men to become just like us! Let us help you in your transformation from bland to faboo!

We'll give you all the steps you'll need to be a happy, healthy fairy,like:


* How to have sex with a man and not NEED the six pack of beer!

* How to make your home Architectural Digest-ready - with extra tips on antiques, throw pillows, and foreign art!

* The "secret" list of essential Madonna and Cher CDs you MUST own.

* That tongue trick invented (circa 1978) in a back alley in NYC!

* The address of Ricky Martin's "private" fan club!

* Why you must "JUST SAY NO" to bi-level haircuts!

* Dance steps for even the most rhythmically impaired and why dancing with a shirt on is a no-no unless you haven't been going to the gym.

* Why you MUST go to the gym!

* Gaydar lessons you'll finally know the truth about that unusual Uncle.

* Our "In" and "Out" list for the current week.

* Style and grooming tips no self-respecting gay man should be without (say good-bye to that uni-brow)!

* How to wear a G-string with poise and dignity (we'll even insert a few bucks to get you started).

* A dialect coach to assist in "gaylingo" learn terms like twinkie, muscle bunny, drama queen and their importance in conversation.

* Significant historical dates you'll need to know, like the year Donna Summer won her first Grammy, Barbra's wedding anniversary, and the day Judy died!

ACT NOW AND YOU'LL RECEIVE A CLOSET DOOR (removed, of course) TO SYMBOLIZE YOUR FREEDOM!
Don't delay any longer!

Don't you want to have more women hanging off you than when you were straight?

Call 1-800-GET-FABS to BEGIN YOUR LIFE AS A FABULOUS FAG!!!
Call today.
Operators are standing by!
Offer void in Kentucky and Tennessee

 

[melody]

Foul Language

TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: Foul Language
DATE: February 28, 2000

It has been brought to management's attention that individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during
the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due
to complaints received from employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able
to accurately express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided
so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner, without risk the of offending
our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,
Human Resources

 

[melody]

Cool Q & A

Q. Why are men like dolphins?
A. They say they are extremely intelligent but no one can prove it.

Q. Why can't a man be handsome and intelligent at the same time?
A. That would make him a woman.

Q. Why are batteries better than men?
A. Batteries have at least one positive side.

Q. What's the difference between Pauly and coffee?
A. None. They both get on your nerves.

Q. Why do men prefere to marry a virgin?
A. Because they can't stand criticism.

Q. What do you call a goodlooking intelligent and sensitive man?
A. A rumour.

Q. Why do men exist?
A. Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Q. What would the world be like without men?
A. Full of happy fat women.

Q. What does a woman not want to hear after good sex?
A. Honey, I'm home!

Q. What does a woman do after good sex?
A. Put on her clothes and go home.

Q: Why do women have faces?
A: So you know which pussy is yours.

Q: Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
A: They are cute. They are sweet. And if they give you any lip, you can bite their friggin' heads off.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that lost her boyfriend?
A: She forgot where she laid him.

Q: What's the difference between your wife and you job?
A: After five years your job still sucks.

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a prostitute?
A: At least with a pro, you get what you pay for.

Q: Why did the guy sleep with his sister in-law?
A: He had it in for his brother.

 

[melody]

Genie And The Map

A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.
The Genie pales, and says "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen."
"OK", the dude says, "tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blow job I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!"
The Genie shakes his head and says "LET ME SEE THAT MAP AGAIN!"
=====

My dental hygienist, Faye Ray,
Said, "Travis, eat pussy each day;
Your gums will be stronger,
Your teeth will last longer,
Coz pussy prevents tooth decay!"

 

[melody]

Thomas And Tamara

Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's
mother
could meet Tamara for the first time. Towards the end of the evening,
Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas's
mother seemed to be avoiding her after the introduction. "Honestly, my
dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should
I put it, a bit on the crude side."
"Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected
families in Boston? That I was educated in Europe? That I attended the
finest finishing schools on the East Coast?
That I attended Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laud?" Tamara asked. "Yes,
yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied. "Then where in the
fuck does that cunt come off with all that crude bullshit?"

=====

Did you heard of the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped a straight woman on the street?
Well, two of them held the woman while the third one did her hair.

=====

Know what to call the stuff that collects in the crotch of a woman's panties?
Clitty litter.


=====

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A little red-headed bitch with a yeast infection.

=====

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."

So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"

"Hmmm... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.

"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"

"Probably not... but at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"

 

[melody]

A Genie

One day a woman who was born with no arms and no legs is wheeled out to the beach. While she's lying on her beach towel she notices an oil lamp that has been half buried in the sand beside her. She wriggles over to it and manages to rub her cheek on the lamp. A genie appears and he says "I am the genie of the lamp, you have released me and I grant you one wish."
The woman thinks about what she is going to wish for and she replies "I have no arms and no legs. I've never been fucked before, and I wish to get fucked!"
So the genie picks up the woman and throws her into the ocean and says "Now you're fucked!"

=====

A woman is on the witness stand testifying:
"I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a garbage can... I...I don't even remember what happened next..."
The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make something up!"

=====

A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.
He grabs the guy's cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.
The man, wide-eyed, screams, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut off my dick, are you?"
The husband hands him the hacksaw and says:
"Nope. You are. I'm setting the garage on fire."

 

[melody]

On The Intercom

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final
approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're
on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with
us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear
conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot. "Well,
skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

Now all ears are listening to this conversation. "Well," says the
skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm
gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with
the huge boobs. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room
and put it to her all night."

Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and
get to the cockpit to turn off the intercom. Halfway down the aisle, she
trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over
and says: "No need to run dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

=====

Friendship is like pissing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only
you can feel its true warmth.

=====

Q: What do you do after eating a bald pussy?
A: Put the diaper back on.

Q. How do you re-fit an old whore?
A. Shove a five pound ham up her pussy and pull out the bone.

 

[melody]

A Midget

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet
tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they
went back to the tall woman's apartment.
"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said
the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."
"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs
apart and close your eyes," said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd
ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had
climaxed eight times.
"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk,
"Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"
=====

A lady called a music store about a recording, but dialed wrong and
connected with an auto mechanic instead. She asked, "Do you have two
lips and seven kisses?"
He said, "No..But I have two balls and seven inches."
She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No...But it's a damn good average"

 

[melody]

A WOMAN'S REFLECTION ON MENOPAUSE:


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able
to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking
red dent on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
=====


Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
she thinks they went to Buckingham
but when they were found
they were all gagged and bound
and Little Boy Blue was phucking'em

=====

A romantic lady sent a text to her lover, saying if you are sleeping send me your dream,
if you are crying send me your tears, if you are smiling send me your happiness,
the lovers lover replied "I am in the toilet"!

=====

A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.

The doctor says, "I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?"

The girl thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of Baked Beans, would you know which bean made you FART?"

 

[melody]

A Waiter And A Blonde

A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying.

"What is wrong, miss? Are you ok?" he asked.

Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it?"

The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow!"

She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her - they did not even know each others names - but hey, when you have got a hot blonde going down on you, are you really going to say, "No, do not do it?"

He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it?"

He said, "Yes, of course, you do it great, but I am just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock?"

She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to."

Now he is confused. "What I told you to?"

Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already. You said, 'Make a wish and blow!'"

 

[melody]

In The Woods

'Mummy, Mummy. I was at the playground and Daddy and...' Mummy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the stop, so Little Johnny tells her.

'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

`I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy'

At this point Mummy cut him off and says, Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and '... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.'

=====

"The man next to me is jerking off!" cries the girl to
her friend in the dark movie house.

"Just ignore him," her friend says.

"I can't. He's using my hand."

 

[melody]

A White Guy And A Black Guy

A white guy is sitting in a bar next to a black guy. "Hey, dude," he
asks. "How's it you black dudes are so popular with the ladies?"

"Well," the black guy replies, "it's all a matter of fuckin'. When you
white guys fuck, you just stick it in and Wham! Bam! Thank you ma'am!
It's all over before it's even started. When we make love to a woman,
we tease her first, and then only when she begs for it, we stick it in
slow, and gentle like. We put in hard, then pull it out real slow and
easy. That's the secret man, tease her until she begs you for it, and
then jam it in real hard and fast an pull it out real slow and gentle
like. Works every time."

The white guy finishes his drink and goes home. That night, in bed with
his wife, he remembers the black guy's advice. First he teases his wife
until she begs him to put it in her, and then he starts fucking her, but
he jams it in like before, but pulls it out very slowly and very gently.

"Hey," she says to him passionately. "When did you learn to fuck like a
black guy?"

=====

One day at lunch little Johnny asked one of the kids at
school a question. "If you woke up in the middle of the
forest, covered in KY Jelly, naked in a sleeping bag, and
your ass was killing you, would you tell anybody?"

"No, I'd be embarrassed."

"Wanna go camping?"