JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

Cletus And Purty

Two policemen, one a rookie, the other an older red neck cop, were making their rounds through a lover's lane type of spot, when they spied a very young couple fooling around in a tent.

"Cletus, what should we do?" The rookie cop always deferred to his more experienced partner.

Cletus spat some tobacco juice on the ground. "Bo, we tell the little punk to scram, and then we have some fun with little Miss Purty, or we throw 'em both in jail. That's what we do!"

Cletus told Bo to go first, and Bo did.

The boy ran off into the woods and Cletus watched the tent shake, rattle and roll for the next ten minutes.

The girl didn't seem to be too upset that her little boyfriend was gone either!

Bo came back to the car zipping up his uniform, and Cletus went drooling to the tent.

Cletus entered and said, "Now, little girl, you're gonna find out what it's like with a real man."

From under the blanket, Cletus heard an incredulous familiar voice say, "Daddy?"

=====

After having some sexual problems a guy went to the drug store and asked the pharmacist for some help in that he needed some sex-lax.

The pharmacist said you must mean ex-lax.

The poor guy said no... he didn't have any problem going.
 
Bad Day

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided
to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in
order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of
a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at
noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates
of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me
how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor
apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked.
She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him.
My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out
onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging
off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well,
I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until
he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed
in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't
die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back
inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to
throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of
was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto
the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted
stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was
so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment.

Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion.
So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said,
"Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your
day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going
to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor
apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot
of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my
stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to
catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.

But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of
his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at
the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move,
and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his
REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls
the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes
his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks
to himself.

"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom
of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The
angel says, "Please tell me how you died."

The third man says,"OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding
inside a refrigerator...."
 
Payback's A Bitch

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

=====

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John absent so he asks the manager, "Where's John?"

The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found sticking his dick in the meat slicer"

Then the man asked, "Where is the meat slicer now?"

The butcher then replied, "I fired her too."
 
A miner comes out of the bush camp after several months of very hard work. When he gets to town, he decides to go to the local whorehouse so as to unload some pent up frustrations. He picks out a whore, takes her to her room, and she gives him a skillful blow-job. When she's done, she reaches under the bed, pulls out a big mason jar and spits his wad into it.
"What the hell is THAT for?" he asks.
"Well", she says..."Me and my girlfriend have a running contest. Whoever has more at the end of the week...gets to drink both."
=====

Q. Why do women enjoy giving blow jobs?
A. They know it's about the only time that they can get anything
straight in their heads.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who went to visit the Home for the
Profoundly Retarded and met a young female patient there who
had practically nothing on?
A. When he went back to revisit nine months later she had a little moron.
Q: What do you call a fat chick with a yeast infection?
A: A Whopper with cheese

Q: What does a girl with bulimia call two fingers?
A: Dessert.

Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.

Q. What's the definition of disgusting?
A. Stuffing a dozen oysters into your granny's cunt and sucking out thirteen.

=====

There once was this bum fucking faggot!
He'd see anything male, and he'd shag it!
One day he fucked the wrong ass
Now he's pushing up grass
And his only mate is a maggot!
 
"Daddy, What's That?"


A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."

The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?" Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me." A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a *toothbrush! "

"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.

"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."

=====

Q: What's the difference between a circus and a high class brothel?
A: One's full of cunning stunts...

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
 
There Is A Lesson To Be Learned Here......

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things
that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He
got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He
looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he
was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly,
useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving
his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could
do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."

=====

A Man shouts to his wife,
Come here and look at my clock
She walks in to find him naked with a hard on
She says that's not a clock
He says it will be when you put two hands and a face on it..
 
Creation Of The Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.

First was a carpenter, strong and bold,
using a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Second was a butcher, endowed with wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Then came a tailor, tall and thin,
with a piece of red velvet, he lined it within.

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
using a piece of fur, he lined it without.

Then came a fisherman, nasty as Hell,
he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.

Next was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.

Finally, a sailor, the dirty little runt,
he fucked it and sucked it and called it a cunt.

=====

Q. What Is A Gay Masochist?
A. A Sucker For Punishment.

Q. What Is A Gay Seven Course Dinner?
A. Seven Inches, Seven Ways.

Q. What Is The Definition Of Bloody Mary?
A. A Wounded Gay.
 
Public Men's Room


A man walks into a public men's room.

His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart.

He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled.

He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asks him to hold his cock while he pees.

The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his cock back in his pants.

"Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."

=====

A man walks into a department store, and as he does, a perfume girl asks him to try some perfume.
The man tries some and says, "Hey, that's not too bad, what's it called?"
The perfume lady says, "Come to Me"
The man smells it again and says, "Yeah? Well, it doesn't smell like cum to me."

=====

Said a woman with open delight,
"My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care.
They locate it more quickly at night
 
A French Restaurant

A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and he spoke no French.

When the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty.

The man had a truly fantastic meal.

The waiter asked if the man wanted dessert.

He responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's specialty.

The waiter that it was the peach poosay, and he would order it for him.

A short time later, a waitress came out with a covered silver platter.

She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been quartered and pitted.

The waitress proceeded to raise her skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out of her vagina!

She then picked up the rest of the pieces and did the same thing with them.

The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually expected to eat the peach after that?"

The waiter responded, "Why, no, Monsieur. You eat the poosay."

=====

It was the first day of school, and the teacher was calling the
roll. She came to a strange name. The boy's name was I P.P.
Rainwater. She called it out. When the youngster stood up, the
teacher demanded he tell her his real name, or leave her class.
As he was leaving, he looked over at his younger brother and said,
"Come on Shithead. She won't believe you either."
 
THINGS TO DO WITH A DEAD DICK


1. Insert bulb and use as flashlight

2. Fill with ink and use as bingo dabber
(Stop laughing, that's not funny.)

3. Fill with Frosting and squeeze to decorate cake

4. Use it as a decoration to hang from your rearview mirror

5. Hang a dried out one inside an upside-down clay pot for an interesting
bell. Gives new meaning to the phrase "ding dong"

6. Nail it to the wall and use it for a coat rack

7. In a pinch (literally), poke extra holes in the end and replace shower
nozzle

8. Conversation piece on the coffee table....("Oh, that's just Ronald
when he was in his prime.")

9. Redneck girl's toothpick holder

10. Dip it in candied apple glaze and make an all day sucker out of it!!!
(At least you'll finally suck it.)

11. Fill with Vicks and use as a nose inhaler

12. Fill it up with plaster of paris and use it as a microphone while
singing the Lorena Bobbit song

13. Stick a Mickey mouse head on the tip, slit the dick horizontally,
insert a spring in the bottom, and use as a pez dispenser.

14. Soak in it Starch, let it dry, and use it as a dildo

15. To induce vomiting

16. Use it as a nozzle to provide a steady stream on your garden hose
(and be sure to write your name with the water stream)!

17. Nail it to the wall and hang your coffee mug on it

=====

Mille was complaining to Janis that her latest lover only wants
to "eat it."

Janis said, "You're a lucky girl, but if you want to discourage
him, why not rub garlic in your pussy?"

"I tried that," said Millie, "but the next night he came to bed
with some lettuce and olive oil."
 
In The Hospital

Hold my e-mail until further notice, for I am in the hospital.
I was badly attacked by a woman on an elevator. A witness got
her photo for the police.

I was in the elevator when she got in. I was casually staring at
her boobs when she asked, "Would you please press 1." I did... I
don't remember much after that.

Should be out of the hospital in a few days.

=====

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer.
The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighbourhood that pays $40 for a donation."
"Yeah, so?"
"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"

=====

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

"Fuck you," she said. "You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."
 
The Game Of Sex

A man wants to introduce his nephew to the game of sex.
The young man is worried that he might not do it right so his uncle comes up with a plan.
The young man will get a hooker, wine her and dine her, then take her back to his apartment for a night of pleasure.
The uncle will be in the bedroom closet so if the boy has a problem, he can shout it out, and from the closet will come the answer about what to do.
That night everything is going according to the plan. When they get back to the apartment the hooker gets into bed while the young man goes to the bathroom to put on a condom.
The hooker suddenly gets a cramp and must go to the bathroom now!
She feels around the bed and grabs an empty shoe box and takes a big dump in it.
Now here comes the young man walking in the dark room.
He steps in the shoe box and shouts out, "There's shit in the box, there's shit in the box.
From the closet comes the reply, "Then roll her over!"

=====

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.

"I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us just like one of the family.

He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."

"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.

"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."
 
Love Is A Gamble

Love is a gamble,
Love is a game,
Boys do the kissin,
Girls get the blame.

One night of pleasure,
nine months of pain,
three days in the hospital,
a baby to name.

Its father was a bastard,
Its mother was a whore,
Little Johnny wouldn't be here,
If the rubber hadn't tore.

=====

Name the three great kings who have brought happiness in people's lives.
licKING, sucKING and fucKING!

True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask –
"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"
 
Another Blonde

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with
her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about
a block away, thinking, "Boy, my
eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's
right breast
is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he
gets face to face with
her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you
for indecent
exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OM Y GOD, I left
the baby on the bus, again!"

=====

Yesterday's Headline News
A man was Raped by a Group of
Beautiful Women when He went
out Jogging at the park...
Today's Breaking news
Hundreds of Men are Jogging at
the park....
 
Did You Know....

Did you know?..."Ithyphallophobia" is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking
about or having an erect penis.

Did you know?...According to a survey of sex shop owners, cherry is the
most popular flavor of edible underwear. Chocolate is the least popular.

Did you know?...Marilyn Monroe, the most celebrated sex icon of the 20th
century, confessed to a friend that despite her three husbands and a
parade of lovers, she had never had an orgasm.

Did you know?...The average shelf-life of a latex condom is about two
years.

Did you know?...14% of Americans have skinny-dipped with a member of the
opposite sex at least once.

Did you know?...According to a U.S. market research firm, the most
popular American bra size is currently 36C, up from 1991 when it was
34B.

Did you know?..."Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects
crawl on your genitals.

Did you know?...Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any
mammal.

Did you know?...Studies show that women who went to college are more
likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school
dropouts.

Did you know?...A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.

Did you know?...· In earlier times, masturbation was believed to lead to
blindness, madness, sudden death and other unpleasant diseases. Present
research, however, shows no connection.

Did you know?...The female bedbug has no sexual opening. To get around
this dilemma, the male uses his curved penis to drill a vagina into the
female.

Did you know?...A man will ejaculate approximately 18 quarts of semen,
containing half a trillion sperm, in his lifetime.

Did you know?...The Geisha of Japan would not perform fellatio because
it was considered demeaning for the cultured to do so.

Did you know?...The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime
time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Did you know?...Sex is bio chemically no different from eating large
quantities of chocolate.

Did you know?...Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex
for pleasure.

Did you know?...For every 'normal' web page, there are five porn pages.
 
Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex

<> You can GET chocolate.
<> "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with
chocolate.
<> Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
<> You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
<> You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
<> You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
<> If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
<> Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being
called nasty names.
<> The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
<> You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during
working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
<> You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
slapped.
<> You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
<> With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
<> Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
<> You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
<> Good chocolate is easy to find.
<> You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
<> You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
<> When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
<> With chocolate size doesn't matter.

=====

Q. How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
A. You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a
beard like an unwashed paintbrush.
 
Reading A Book

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her 'special' area.

He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she get up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay,"

The husband says, "No, not at all.

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then!!"?

I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

=====

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.

"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.

"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."
 
Happy Valentine's Day!

Valentine Slogans

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

=====

On Valentine's Day a drunk young man walked up to
an attractive girl and said, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal
question?"
"Yes, but I know you're going to ask eventually anyway, so
let's get it over with."
"Great. How many men have you had sex with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Cool! How much?"
=====

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his
girls house one afternoon and passes a florist shop. On a whim he buys
a big bunch of flowers for her. When he gets to her house he holds the
flowers out to her. Instead to taking them she slides her panties off
from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says
"This is for the flowers." Paul looks at her and says " Oh come
now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."
 
Financial Difficulty

A couple was having financial difficulties, so it was decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner motel and assured her that he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A man pulled up shortly after and asked her how much she wanted to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. Her husband told her to charge the client hundred bucks. She went back and informed the client, and he cried, “That’s too much!” Then the man asked, “How much for a hand job?” She told him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband told her to charge forty bucks. She came back and informed the man and he felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. The woman noticed that the man was really well hung, so she asked him to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again and her husband asked, “Now what?”

Then the wife said; “Can I borrow sixty bucks?”

=====

Said a dainty young whore named Miss Meggs,
"The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs."
 
On The Intercom

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final
approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're
on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with
us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear
conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot. "Well,
skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

Now all ears are listening to this conversation. "Well," says the
skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm
gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with
the huge boobs. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room
and put it to her all night."

Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and
get to the cockpit to turn off the intercom. Halfway down the aisle, she
trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over
and says: "No need to run dear. He's gotta take a shit first."



The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want
everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any
homework?"

The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain?"

The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

She calls on Little Johnny in the back. "Johnny?"

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her
music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they
were gonna shit on the piano?"

=====

Friendship is like pissing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only
you can feel its true warmth.

Q: What do you do after eating a bald pussy?
A: Put the diaper back on.

Q. How do you re-fit an old whore?
A. Shove a five pound ham up her pussy and pull out the bone.
 


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