JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Big Tits vs Little Tits

Women with Big Tits...

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless
recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer

Women with Little Tits...

..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking
themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.

 

[melody]

MEN - MEASURE UP!

1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in
the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle
in the key immediately below that. (You lumberjacks may have to
use the A or even the Z key).
2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across
the number key row on your keyboard.
3. Place a copy of the latest Playboy centerfold open at a distance
of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently
at the picture for five minutes, or until your feet leave the
ground. Repeat the above test.

Cautions:
1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the
results.
2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard; or
place two keyboards end to end.
3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to
swab it down with alcohol first.
4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep
a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT.
5. Do not turn around suddenly and slap the monitor.

Test Results Diagnosis:
If you *score* a "1" -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome.
If you *score* "12367" -- You have a strange gap in your penis.
If you *score* "12efgbn" -- Your penis has a right hand bend;
sometimes called a *hook*.
If you *score* "12wgui,l=]\ " -- Seek immediate medical care.

=====

I guess I DO have a dirty mind. I always thought the
song "Come Together" was about simultaneous orgasms.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of
peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

 

[melody]

Little Johnny

Sixteen year old Johnny is walking down the street and
enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices
a super hot chick working alone behind the counter. He walks
up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops
his cock out, and places it on the counter right in front of her.
"What are you doing, Sir?" she asks. "This is a CLOCK
shop!"
Johnny replied, "I know it is, and I would like two hands
and a face put on this!"

=====
Queer Quickies
How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a lesbian?
A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

What's a lesbian?
Just another woman trying to do a man's job.

Did you hear about the 2 gay lawyers?
They wanted to try each other.

Hear about the new gay sitcom?
"Leave it, it's Beaver."

 

[melody]

Dear Baby Doctor

Dear Baby Doctor,
What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be
beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?

A. Your therapist.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet
have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

A. Yes, your bladder.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A. Because you're fatter then they are.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?

A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a
Playboy centerfold?

A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me
in that delicate position?

A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies,
photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to
nurse.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What are the terrible twos?

A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?

A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global
chemical warfare.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What is colic?

A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
What are night terrors?

A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant
again.
~~~
Dear Baby Doctor,
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?

A. When the kid is in college.

 

[melody]

A Blind Lumber Man

The foreman at the lumberyard needed a replacement for an employee who
just quit; and while he wasn't eager to hire the blind man (because of
the obvious risks involved), the blind man begged for the chance.
"You'll see," he said. "Just put me in front of a pile of lumber. I
sniff the lumber and know what type it is -- I will stack it
accordingly."

So the foreman agreed to give it a shot. Positioning the blind man in
front of a stack of wood, he asked what type it was. Ahhhhhhhhhh..."
said the blind man, taking a deep breath. "Pine, twelve-foot," and
stacked it in place.

The foreman was surprised and repeated the test with oak and redwood,
fir and mahogany, but the blind man didn't miss once. Then, getting a
sly look on his face, the foreman called up to the office secretary.
"There's a blind man applying for a job and I don't want to hire him.
He says he can tell what kind of wood we have just by sniffing it. I
want to confuse him.. come back here, take off all your clothes and lay on
top of that pile of wood."

The secretary stripped naked and draped herself across the wood.
Sniffing furiously, the blind man then looked puzzled. "Gee, I don't
believe I've ever smelled wood like that before... let me take another
sniff."

He went closer and sniffed the wood again. "DAMN, I have no idea what
that is... can you turn it over?" The secretary turned over. The blind
man went near the pile of wood and took another deep sniff.

"Well?" the foreman asked. "What kind of wood is THAT?"

"Hmmm..." said the blind man, "I'm not sure, but near as I can tell,
it's the shit house door off a tuna boat."

=====

A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and
went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in
the mail box again. She did this several times and her neighbor that was
watching her said, "You must be expecting a very important letter today
the way you keep looking into your mail box"...
The blonde answered "No", I am working on my computer and it keeps
telling me that I've got mail."

 

[melody]

Onestone

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named
because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone!
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a
young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the
next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he screwed
her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed
her all the next night...but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!!
What is the moral of this story???

And the moral is........................
You can't kill two birds with one stone!

=====

There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish
Men savored her lips
Then brought bags of chips
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish

 

[melody]

Letters To Santa

Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
***

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask
for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
***

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like
for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door
in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
***

Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis"nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
***

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
Santa
***

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas,
where spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses
while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
***

Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when
we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you
do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
***

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
***

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into
our home?
Love, Marky

Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live
in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

 

[melody]

WHAT A GUY SHOULD NOT SAY AFTER SEX

* "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

* "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

* "How come it's so BIG in there?"

* "You've done this with a lotta guys before, right?"

* "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

* (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?" * (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

* "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

* "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

* "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"

* "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."

* "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

* "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

* "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

* "I never saw a girl with hairy boobs before!"

* "I've been getting these little blisters lately....."

* "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"

* "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

=====

What does a rooster and a prostitute have in common?

Roosters calling: "cock-a-doodle-doo"

Prostitute calling: "any-cock-will-do"

 

[melody]

New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!"

Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes

I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.

I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine

Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them

I will think of a password other than "password"

 

[melody]

New Years Miscellaneous

New Years Eve
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Tattoo Parlor
This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tattoo artist say that's an unusual request.
"Why do you want two tattoos there?"
So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and new years."


New Years Eve Short Jokes

Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
A: I haven't seen you for a year!

Q: What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?
A: He gave up thinking.

Q: What's the problem with jogging on New Years Eve?
A: The ice falls out of your drinks!


New Years Eve One Liners

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

If 2014 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.

This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.

I'll remember 2014 like it was yesterday

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they'd get a Bloody Mary.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.

I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2015.

Just heard that in 2015 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it’s called alcohol.

My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions....That way I succeed at something!

Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it.

I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

There have been many times in 2014, when I have annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you....today I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2015!

 

[melody]

The Wino

A tramp finds a five pound note in the street. He decides to go to the off-licence and buy a bottle of white wine. After duly knocking back the plonk the tramp falls into a drunken torpor and collapses in a small alleyway.

About ten minutes later a passing homosexual happens upon the sprawled body of the tramp. Not having greased the pole for a while the shirt-lifter whips down the tramps keks and gives him one up the old Gary Glitter. As the rear-gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks a five pound note into the tramps hand.

Upon waking up the next day the tramp discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune he rushes back to the off-licence and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favorite alleyway. A little later the same chutney ferret passes the alleyway and sees the tramp. Unable to contain himself, the uphill gardener divests the tramp of his jockeys and gives him another hoop stretching. Again he leaves five pounds out of guilt for his actions.

Upon waking up the tramp discovers another fiver in his hand and so hastens back to the off-licence. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant for wrapping. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the tramps usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time to which the tramp responds, I quite like the white wine but it doesn't half make my fucking arse sore.

=====

Blonde Moment!

Two drunk blondes are stranded in the middle of nowhere trying to get
home. The first blonde needs to take a piss bad so she tromps off into
the bushes.
After almost 10 minutes the second blonde begins to get worried and
heads into the field to look for the first. She walks for almost a
kilometer
until she finally finds the first blonde.... kneeling beneath a horse,
sucking its cock.
"What in the world are you doing that for???" asks the second blonde.
The first blonde sucks her lips away from the huge cock and drools,
"Hold
on, I think I may be able to get us a free ride home!"

 

[melody]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father has to come to school to talk to the teacher.
Teacher: 'Sir, I'm sorry, but your son does absolutely nothing at
school, he fails every subject!!'
Dad: 'Except for drawing, he's a very good drawer.'
Teacher: 'That's correct, last week he drew a tiger on the chalk board
and the kids were so frightened I couldn't get them to enter the classroom'
Dad: 'That's nothing, last month he drew a pussy on the stove,
I burned my dick three times!!'

=====
John is out in the country with his new bride. They watch as a bull
comes over the rise and bangs six cows in a row, one after the other.
His wife says, "It's a shame a man can't perform like that."
He says, "We could, if we got to change cows every time."

=====

The bar was getting ready to close, so he asked the nearest woman:
What would you say to a little "oral" activity?
"That all depends,..."
she quickly responded.
.Your face, or mine?"

 

[melody]

Real Leprechaun

A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss. When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes."
"Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to walk away.
The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun asks, "How old are you me boy?"
"25," he says.
"Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?
=====

There once was a girl named Straight
Whose pussy smelled like bait!
Whenever Jeff pounds her
The room reeks of flounder
Her twat, she needs to refrigerate

 

[melody]

Big Toe And Penis

At six in the morning, the big toe looks at the penis and says,
"Psst! Hey!" The penis stands up and says,
"Yeah?" The toe says, "You know man, I've really got it tough.
Every morning this guy shoves me into a stinking old sock, ties me up
in a dirty old shoe, walks on me all over town, and people step on me
all day long."

The penis says, "Fella, you ain't got no problems at all.
This guy shoves me into a jock strap that's too tight. Then he goes
over to his girlfriend's house, starts messing around with her, and I
get all tense and excited, and I can't move a muscle.
Then he shoves this rubber balloon over my head, locks me in a big
hairy cage, and makes me do push-ups until I get sick and throw up."

=====

A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that
with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise.

Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower,
her toes remained still.
Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go
up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"

"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"

 

[melody]

Signs That You Are Too Drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

 

[melody]

The Blind Man

The foreman at the lumberyard needed a replacement for an employee who
just quit; and while he wasn't eager to hire the blind man (because of
the obvious risks involved), the blind man begged for the chance.
"You'll see," he said. "Just put me in front of a pile of lumber. I
sniff the lumber and know what type it is -- I will stack it
accordingly."

So the foreman agreed to give it a shot. Positioning the blind man in
front of a stack of wood, he asked what type it was. Ahhhhhhhhhh..."
said the blind man, taking a deep breath. "Pine, twelve-foot," and
stacked it in place.

The foreman was surprised and repeated the test with oak and redwood,
fir and mahogany, but the blind man didn't miss once. Then, getting a
sly look on his face, the foreman called up to the office secretary.
"There's a blind man applying for a job and I don't want to hire him.
He says he can tell what kind of wood we have just by sniffing it. I
want to confuse him.. come back here, take off all your clothes and lay

on top of that pile of wood."

The secretary stripped naked and draped herself across the wood.
Sniffing furiously, the blind man then looked puzzled. "Gee, I don't
believe I've ever smelled wood like that before... let me take another
sniff."

He went closer and sniffed the wood again. "DAMN, I have no idea what
that is... can you turn it over?" The secretary turned over. The blind
man went near the pile of wood and took another deep sniff.

"Well?" the foreman asked. "What kind of wood is THAT?"

"Hmmm..." said the blind man, "I'm not sure, but near as I can tell,
it's the shit house door off a tuna boat."

=====

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell
me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"

 

[melody]

Walk Back To Town

A young stud undergoing his first testosterone attack picks up a young lady and after a while drives to a secluded place a mile from the nearest phone. After some preliminaries he says "Put out or walk." The gal says "well, put that way, I'll walk." She gets out of the car and walks back to town.

The next evening the same young stud picks up the same pretty young gal and ends up with the same proposition only this time three miles from town. Same results. She says "I'll walk." And she does.

The following evening same scenario except the young man drives five miles from town and it is raining. She doesn't even hesitate. She removes her clothing, his clothing, and proceeds to give him the wildest night of sex he could wish for. Later he asks her why she refused him the last two nights when obviously she was not new to the sex game.

She answered. "I kind of like you. I was willing to walk one mile. I was willing to walk three miles. But I'll be damned if I'll walk five miles in the rain to keep you from catching gonorrhea."
A young stud undergoing his first testosterone attack picks up a young lady and after a while drives to a secluded place a mile from the nearest phone. After some preliminaries he says "Put out or walk." The gal says "well, put that way, I'll walk." She gets out of the car and walks back to town.

The next evening the same young stud picks up the same pretty young gal and ends up with the same proposition only this time three miles from town. Same results. She says "I'll walk." And she does.

The following evening same scenario except the young man drives five miles from town and it is raining. She doesn't even hesitate. She removes her clothing, his clothing, and proceeds to give him the wildest night of sex he could wish for. Later he asks her why she refused him the last two nights when obviously she was not new to the sex game.

She answered. "I kind of like you. I was willing to walk one mile. I was willing to walk three miles. But I'll be damned if I'll walk five miles in the rain to keep you from catching gonorrhea."

 

[melody]

Gary And Mary

Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.
Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair."
Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"

=====

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic Sex'?"
She says, "What's that?"
He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."

=====

A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some refreshments and showed his date to her seat.
Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked, "I see this is getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"
"Because you're jerking off my ice lolly!" he replied.

 

[melody]

Nervous Young Bride

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances
on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper
manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and
climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a
hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind
as to please pass the cunt."

=====

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty
pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I
sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

 

[melody]

In The Bathroom

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her.

He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door. He said, "That was the best honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you/"

His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I get the doorknob out of my ass."

=====

A man wanted his bull and a cow to mate; he tried everything but couldn't get the too together.

So he went to get some advise from a farmer who had the same problem.

The farmer told him to put his hand up the cow’s pussy and then rub his hand around the bulls nose.

He went home and did this and then the cow and bull were at it none- stopping.

He went home and wondered if it would work on humans so he rubbed his hand around his wife’s pussy and rubbed it around his face and he got the biggest bone ever so he woke his wife up and said look!

She turned to him and said, “ You have just woken me up to show me you have a nose bleed?”