JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Poetry Or Prose

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:

"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go."

She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said,

"Mary had a little pig --
An scrawny little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
And smelled her little . . ."

He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"

"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."


There once was a husky young Viking
Whose sexual prowess was striking.
Every time he got hot
He would scour the twat
Of some girl that might be to his liking.

 

[melody]

Gratuitous Male Bashing

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS
(because they don't have penises to put them in)

6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)

7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their asses and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

8. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

9. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

10. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)

11. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't
know......it never happened)

12. WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH A MAN?
(because breasts don't have eyes)


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried and said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

 

[melody]

Boarding A Bus

A nice looking woman wearing a very tight leather skirt was standing in line to board a bus in Houston Texas. When her turn came to get on the bus she went to step up but her skirt was too tight and she could not. She smiled at the bus driver and reached behind her to unzip her skirt just a little to give her enough movement to step up onto the platform. She tried a second time and still her skirt was too tight, so again she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. When she stepped up the third time she still could not reach the step do to her tight skirt. So smiling at the bus driver again she reached behind her for the third time and lowered her zipper even more. It was no use. Her skirt was still too tight to give her enough legroom to step up.
All at once the big burly Texan behind her gently grabbed her around the waist and lifted her onto the bus platform. The woman whirled around in a rage. "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME LIKE THAT! We don't even know each other!"
The Texan smiled and said, "Well mam, normally I'd say the same thing. But I thought we were at least friends after the third time you reached behind you and unzipped my fly!"

=======

Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together.
One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"
"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that drives her wild."
Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"
Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my p.... on the curtain. Drives her f.... nuts!"

=======

A young woman had lost her precious puppy. She pinned up signs and posters and went door-to-door asking about her precious puppy. When she came to a door, a man appeared and asked, “What are you doing here? “She asked back, “Have you seen my Titswiggle? "The man replied with a red face," Yes, I watch you through my bedroom window before I go to bed."

 

[melody]

Naughty Shorties

Doris and Maude are sitting on a bench at a nursing home, when suddenly
a naked old man runs past. Doris says to Maude "Did you see what he was
wearing?" Maude replies "No, but it sure needed ironing!"
_____

The guy asked his date, "What do you think of anal sex?"
"Ugh," the girl exclaimed. "I couldn't let anyone stick their prick
up my back passage unless I was totally drunk."
"The whiskey's in the top left cabinet," the bloke said.
_____

Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
A3: You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
A4: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes to poke.

Q: How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike?
A: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them
in the gutter and they'll always come back
_____

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel.

The madam says to her,

" Do you have any questions?"

The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?"

The madam says," The same as the short ones".

 

[melody]

Tiny Miserable Baby

A woman marched into the doctors office with a tiny miserable baby that
was howling at the top of its lungs and demanded," Do something about
this baby".

After a quick examination, the doctor realized the baby was
malnourished. He's obviously not getting enough milk," he said
sternly. "is he being breast fed?”

"Yes," replied the woman.

"Then the milk supply isn't adequate. Please take your blouse off."

The woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very thorough
breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging, and sucking each breast at
some length.

Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could see why there was a
problem. "You aren't producing any milk at all."

"Of course not," she responded." It's my sister's kid,"

"Why on earth did you come?" asked the doctor in amazement.

"I didn't," she replied, "until you started sucking on the other tit."

=======

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China.

They decided to become American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names.

Bu - called himself "Buck"

Chu called himself "Chuck"

and Fu had to go back to China.
=======
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will,
is it considered rape or shoplifting?

 

[melody]

Nasty Shorties

Mother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now.

Daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.

~~~~~

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers

~~~~~

Math teacher: "After 69, what comes next?"

Blonde: "You wash your hands & rinse your mouth...duh."

~~~~~

Little Hillbilly Johnny-Lee asks his sister if she has started her period.

"Yes", quoth she, "how did you know?"

"Hmm, I knew dad's cock tasted funny!"

~~~~~

Jack was nimble,but Jack was quick.
So Jill preferred the candlestick!

~~~~~

A guy walks into a bar with a frog growing out of his forehead. Astonished, the bartender shouts "wow, where'd you get that!! ? " the frog says, " I don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!

 

[melody]

Code Word

This young couple was about to get married and the night before their
wedding day they had a talk.
They decided that the one thing that they never wanted to have a
problem with was initiating sex in their marriage.
To solve that problem they decided to come up with a "code word" to ...
help break the ice when asking for sex.
While they were trying to think of a word the washing machine went off
balance and the husband says, "I have an idea, why not use 'washing
machine' as the code word?" So washing machine it was...
A year passed by and one night they were lying in bed and she was
reading and he was watching TV. The husband rolls over and says,
"Honey, Washing machine?", and she replies, "Honey, not tonight, I've
got a huge headache. I promise we'll do it tomorrow night!"
So he say's, "Alright that's fine, We'll do it tomorrow." They roll to
their respective side of the bed and go to sleep. However, the wife
can't sleep because she's thinking, gosh we've only been married 1 year
so we're still practically newlyweds maybe I should indulge him.
She rolls over to her husband and whispers,
"Honey, are you still awake??",
He replies, "Yeah, what do you want?".
She says, "Washing Machine?!?!?!?"
"Forget about it. It was a small load, I did it by hand."

=====

Q: What do you Call a period?
A: A waste of fucking time.

Q: What's the difference between a clit and a mobile phone?
A: Nothing. Almost every cunt's got one.

Q: What's the worst thing about growing unemployment?
A: It gets harder to fuck your girlfriend with her husband home.

 

[melody]

On Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, 'positive' messages on someone's
answering machine? They usually go something like this....... "Hi,
it's a great day & I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The
thought for the day is, 'Share the love.' Leave your name & number
after the beep. I'll get right back to ya." >>

"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling..... Speaking of being
'positive', your test is back. STOP sharing the love!" Click.

_____

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it
about time that she understood the facts of life.
"Liza," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how
life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..."
"It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter,
"but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."

_____

The wife appeared at the breakfast table in curlers and a worn
bathrobe.
The husband looked up from his newspaper and said, "Why can't you look
like you did when we were first married?"
"How can I?" she snapped back. "I'm not pregnant!"

 

[melody]

Penis Envy

*If I had a penis I'd wear it outside
*In cafes and car lots with pomp and with pride
*If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
*I'd stay in the tub and use me as a stopper
*If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
*Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties
*I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay
*I'd stuff it in turkeys on thanksgiving day
*I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick-shifts
*I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts
*I'd peek around corners
*I'd aim at my toilet
*I'd poke it at foreigners
*And soap it and oil it
*If I had a penis I'd run to my mother
*Comb out the hair and compare it to brother
*I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge
*Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge
*A penis to plunder, a penis to push
*Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush
*A penis to love me, a penis to share...
*To pick up and play with when nobody's there
*I'd sit like a guy, I'd straddle the chair
*I'd play with my fly, albeit with care
*I'd dip it in chocolate, I'd stick it in sockets
*Go to the movies with hands deep in pockets
*I'd stick it in vacuums on vacant verandas
*Gas-guzzling bottles and poodles and pandas
*And puddles and drain pipes and doggies and ditches,
*Pool halls and potholes and bottles and bitches...
*If I had a penis, I'd climb every mountain
*I'd force it on females
*I'd pee like a fountain...
*If I had a penis I'd still be a girl,
*But I'd make much more money and conquer the world.

 

[melody]

About Women...Part 1

Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out.
Anything on sale is fair game.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet, you "just don't understand".

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.

Women think all beer is the same.

Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

Women don't understand the appeal of sports.

Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice,
if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

Women brush their hair before bed.

Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

Women are paid less than men, except for one field, Modeling.

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

 

[melody]

You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

*Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
*You ski uphill.
*You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
*You answer the door before people knock.
*You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
*You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
*You sleep with your eyes open.
*You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
*You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
*You lick your coffeepot clean.
*You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there.
*You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
*You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
*You can jump-start your car without cables.
*All your kids are named "Joe".
*You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
*Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low".
*You don't sweat, you percolate.
*You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
*Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
*People get dizzy just watching you.
*When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup".
*The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
*Starbucks own the mortgage on your house.
*You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
*People can test their batteries in your ears.
*Instant coffee takes too long.
*You channel surf faster without a remote.
*You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
*You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
*Your Thermos is on wheels.
*Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
*You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
*You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
*You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
*Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter Scale.
*You can't even remember your second cup.
*You help your dog chase its tail.
*You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
*Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
*You speed walk in your sleep.
*You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
*You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
*The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
*You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
*You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
*Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
*You chew on other people's fingernails.
*The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
*Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."
*Cocaine is a downer.
*You buy milk by the barrel.
*You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
*You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
*You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
*You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

 

[melody]

Top Ways To Piss Off A Man

*Tell him he has to recite a Shakespeare love sonnet before you agree to
do the horizontal bop.

*Tell him his brother is a better lay.

*Tell him his sister is better in bed than his brother is.

*Take the remote control apart and damage the circuit board inside. Put
the remote back together. Smile sweetly while he goes nuts.

*Create an email account in his best friend's name. Email him suggestive
letters and sign it, Love, Floyd.

*Rub his stomach. Say "Bhudda, Bhudda, bring me luck."

*Fake an orgasm while riding in the car and stopped at a stop sign.
Double points if the car is parked outside his favorite bar.

*Subscribe to Woman's World, Cosmo and Redbook. Make the
subscription in his name.

*Call your mom. While he's listening, invite her to move in with you.

*Buy 1 ticket to his favorite, sold-out sporting event. Say, "It was the
last one, but to prevent any hard feelings, I'll just tear it up so we
don't have to decide who goes." Burn the ticket.

*Out of the blue, look him straight in the eye and say, "It doesn't
matter." Ignore him for 30 minutes.

*Tell him your pregnant and you *think* he's the father.

*Write a letter to another guy during sex.

*Tell him you shoved $200 in $1s into a Chippendale dancer's shorts the
last time you went out for a night on the town with the girls.

*Clean his tools with his favorite shirt.

*Give him all kinds of fabulous promises about the best blowjob he's ever
had. Just before you start, say "DAMMIT! Chipped a tooth. Oh, well, it
won't matter."

*Tell him you've invited some friends over to play strip poker. Then say
that his golf/fishing/hunting/poker/drinking/etc. buddies should be here
any minute.

*Tell him you've always wanted to be a man and you finally have enough
money saved up for the operation. Triple points awarded if you say it in
front of his parents.

*Tell him you want to be closer to him all the time, so from now on your
gonna use ONLY his razors to shave your legs.

*Burn his favorite meal, three times in a row. Make a salad in its place.

*Tie him to the bed. Paint his toenails bright red.

*Tie him to the bed. Put on your sexiest lingerie. Do a striptease for
him. Then have a long, heart-to-heart talk with him.

*Tie him to the bed. Put on an adult movie with the sound on and the
screen turned at an angle that makes it VERY difficult to see.

 

[melody]

Cool Shorties

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while he's getting dressed.

She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Not wanting to explain to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret."

The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?"

Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says, "I don't know, he won't tell me."

A couple days later the little girl says to her mother. "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush!"

"Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks.

"Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin."
_____

It seems this guy had been experimenting with an unusual
method of seeking autoerotic gratification; namely, inserting
a live fish into his anus.

What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in
effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow
you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if
you try to go the other way.

In his pain and panic, he dialed 9-1-1. The EMT arrived,
surveyed the situation and said, "Son, you gotta learn to
chew your food better."
_____

Q: What's the difference between a circus and a high class brothel?
A: One's full of cunning stunts...

Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

 

[melody]

Jacko's Q's & A's

Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at the Jackson residence?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite gospel song?
A: "And Then He Touched Me."

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?
A: It's called "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing."

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play
with and the other you carry your groceries in.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boy's pants were half off.

Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: "Get out of my son!"

Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand.

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy.

Q: How can you tell if Michael Jackson has company?
A: There's a big wheel parked outside his house.

Q: Heard about Michael Jackson's new song?
A: "I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles."

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have
decided to begin training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna
ride all the three-year-olds.

Q: Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A: He doesn't mind reaching bottom.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his.

Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
A: The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.

Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
A: Foreplay.

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalog.

Q: What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic?
A: Blowing his first nose.

Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on Pepsi.

Q: What's black and comes in little white cans?
A: Michael Jackson.
Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan have in common?
A: They both play ball in the Minor League.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan?
A: One is in the Minors, the other is into Minors.

 

[melody]

Filthy Funny Sexual Positions
Part 3

The Matrix: You and your buddy are double-teaming a chick, and you pull out and start spanking all over her face, porno style. Only the thing is, she dodges the spunk blasts, moving faster then the rules of physics would let a fat slut like that move. Just as she's about to get away, your buddy grabs her by the hair, sticks his dick in her ear, and says 'Dodge this!' as he blows out her eardrum.

My Little Pony: Having her doggie-styled while harnessed around the mouth with her dirty underwear.

Cunt Trumpet: Fill a woman's cunt with air by placing your lips on her vertical smile and blowing into it. Then, punch her lower abdominal area without warning and release the trapped air. The harmonious queef produced should be the sound of a poorly played trumpet. Great instrument to pick up at band camp.

Affrin: When you and some random ho are 69ing, you pull out of her mouth and shoot a load in her nostril up to her brain, then smurf her on the nose. (A.K.A. Growth Spurt)

One Armed Bandit: Make your lady all happy by telling her that you would love to give her a massage. When she rolls over, start to massage her with one hand while you furiously jerk off with the other. When she starts to enjoy it, blow a nice load of spunk all over her back and run out the room before she can turn around. You are the one armed bandit

Tony Danza: When you are about to cum while doing a girl from behind, you say 'Who's the boss?' and stick it in her ass. Before she has a chance to complain you shout 'TONY DANZA!' and punch her in the head.

Toboggan Ride: Get yourself a fat girl and lay the bone doggy style on the top of a set of stairs. Before you blow your nut, give her one last punishing thrust, pull her elbows back and tip her down the stairs. Using her elbows as handlebars attempt to steer in case of change of direction down stairs. You have to use fat bitches because skinny ones can inflict injury on you as well.

Turkey Stuffer: It's Thanksgiving time, and you want to get more into the spirits of the white man raping the Indians of their land, so what do you do? Yes, that's right; you bang your girl doggy style, and right before you are about to nut, pull out and blow all over your hand. Make that bitch scream "Gobble Gobble" as you jam your jizz hand straight up her ass.

Rose Red: Seductively brush a beautiful long stem red rose against your sweethearts neck, breasts, and inner thigh. Slowly rub the rose along her smooth skin as you tenderly kiss her entire body. After working her into the mood for some deep love making, unzip your fly and pull out your raging boner. Begin to punish-fuck her pooper while whipping her with the rose and screaming nasty obscenities at her. I bet she never saw that coming.

Mushroom Stamp: You and some ho are going at it, and you find out she is on the rag when you go down to try and please her with your mouth. That nasty bitch has got to pay, so what do you do? Start ramming that bitch hard and fast so your dick gets all sorts of blood on it, then give her a mushroom stamp by smurfing her right on her forehead.

Shinter: The inverted shocker, just 1 in the pink, 2 in the stink.

 

[melody]

Screw The Patients

A doctor had just finished screwing one of his patients,
when he said to himself, 'you know, its not right I should
screw my own patients.' Just then, a voice in his head said,
don't worry about it, almost all doctors screw their patients.'
The doctor felt a little bit better, until another voice in his
head said, 'yeah, but they're probably not a veterinarian'

^^^^^

There once was a girl from Sidney
Who could take it right up to her kidney
But a guy from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck
He had a long one, now didn't he.

^^^^^

There once was a girl from Sri Lanka,
Whose hole was as big as a tanker,
You could go for a swim,
In the depths of her quim,
And you needed a lamppost to wank her!

^^^^^

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: What's more disgusting than a love bite on a hemorrhoid?
A: The bloke that put it there!

Q: How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
A: By sitting down before the last bloke gets up!

 

[melody]

Boil Talents

There once was a man who lived in New York whose name was Joe. He had learned a trade from his father years ago, and he still practiced it, even in modern times. His father taught him all of the in's and out's of how to suck a boil clean of all it's nasty puss and other ingredients, and he prospered at this occupation, advertising in the Yellow Pages, getting referal business, and word of mouth (Yuck!) advertising.

One day, Joe received a call from a woman who had heard of his talents. She told Joe that she had a rather large boil that was festered, and needed it taken care of. Joe assured her that it would be no problem, his standard fee was $50.00, and the deal seemed to be firm. The woman gave directions to her house and set up a time for Joe to perform his work.

Upon arriving at the woman's house, he immediately started to work. He told the woman to expose the boil, and he would take care of it post haste.At this point, the woman told Joe that the boil was in extremely sensitive area of her body, about 1/4 inch below her vagina. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be another $20.00". She agreed, and then told Joe that there was another problem: She was in the middle of the heaviest part of her period. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be an additional $30.00".

Again, she agreed, so Joe started to practice his trade.

After about 10 minutes into sucking the boil dry, the woman couldn't help herself, and cut a tremendous fart. Joe, his mouth dripping with puss, pulled away from his task and asked "What are you doing, trying to make me sick?"

=====

There once was a fellow named Dave
Who dug up a whore from her grave
She was mouldy as shit
and missing a tit
But think of the money he saved

 

[melody]

Breast Feed

A young lad was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman
about to breast feed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a
very large breast and popped the rosy nipple into the child's mouth.
"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" the lad asked.

"Relax, mate. She's just feeding him," the father replied.

"Get the fuck outta here!" the boy, exclaimed. "There's no way he'll
eat all of that!"
At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper.

She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"

Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!"
There once was a fellow named Ben,
Who was aroused by the sheep in the pen,
Though he knew it's forbidden,
He was quite parasite ridden,
From trying it every now and then.

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?

A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

 

[melody]

Indulged

A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise.

Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"

"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"
Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says,

"Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"
Q: Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
A: It's for foul balls.
Q: Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?
A: Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been colored in yet.
Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So no one confuses them with feminists.

 

[melody]

Nursing Home

A young man who felt very guilty when he had to put his elderly father into a nursing home, went to visit him to see if he was adjusting properly. He was relieved to see how clean and nice the place was, and since his father was in the dining room having lunch he decided to join him. Part way through the meal his father started leaning to one side. Instantly an attendant appeared and straightened him up.. Several minutes later, he leaned to the other side. Again, an attendant immediately ran over and helped him get upright in his seat. The rest of the meal was without incident, and over coffee the son asked the father how he felt about the nursing home.

Well son the place is nice and clean and the service is good, but there's one thing I really can't stand".

"What's that, asked the son?"

"They don't let you fart here"!
___________

Q. What's the ultimate in rejection?
A. When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep.

Q: What does a toilet and a woman have in common? A: Without the hole in the middle they aren't worth shit.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A: A battery has a positive side.