JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

Retrieving The Gerbil

In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told the bemused
doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out
`Armageddon' , my cue that he'd had enough.

I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered
into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next.

"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and flame shot out the
tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski' s hair and severely burning his face. It
also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a
broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first
and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.


Q. How did the john know how many times his favorite whore had gotten fucked that night?
A. He drank her douche and counted the lumps as they went down.
Q. What's the definition of gross?
A. Licking the sweat off your grandpa's back as you fuck him in the ass.
 
Check Up

A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

=====

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

=====

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Q: What's the difference between wives and secretaries?
A: Secretaries get a little behind at work, wives get a big behind at home.

Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: When your girlfriend does a split and your best friends class ring falls out.
 
Two Co-eds

There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two co-eds were just hanging around the apartment.

Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and panties, was jiggling back and forth around their place doing some chores.

Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night that she would reveal her secret to her room mate.

"Take a break", Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and sit down".

As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full on the lips.

"I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda hard to say this... Well, let me be frank".

Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice:

"No darling... Let me be Frank".
---
A new recruit joins the French foreign legion, after 6 months he is desperate for sex. He asked an old member, "What do you do for Sex around here?"

The man replied, "We use Doris."

"Who's Doris?" The man replied, "Camel in stable." The new recruiter said, "Yuk I'm not that desperate."

After a year, he can't take it any more. He walks to the stable, grabs a stool and starts humping the Camel. In walks an Old member and looks disgusted. "Uh you pervert, we use Doris to ride to the Brothel!"
 
Defining Her

DANDY LITTLE HOUSE KEEPER:
She has been married three times and kept
all the houses

FINE CHARACTER:
She's an ex-hooker

KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE MONEY:
She's a spend thrift and great at spending
yours

SPOTLESS REPUTATION:
She's a slut

STRONG FAMILY TIES:
She's a Mafia Princess

LOVES CHILDREN:
She's pregnant and needs a husband

WONDERFUL PERSONALITY:
She's fat

GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say

THE OUTDOOR TYPE:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, just
like the guys

READY TO SETTLE DOWN:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to
marry

LIKES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME:
She gets piss drunk

LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES:
Often makes an ass of herself

MATURE WOMAN:
She's at least thirty, but looks at least
forty-five

HAS THE APPEARANCE OF A YOUNG SCHOOL GIRL:
She's at least thirty-three, but dresses
like a teenager

CASUAL:
She dresses like a slob

DECORATED HER OWN PLACE:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty

A GREAT DANCER:
She a Stripper/Lapdancer

NOT OVERLY EMOTIONAL:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day

DOESN'T CHASE MEN:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow
spider type

SELDOM DATES:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort
for something

UNDERSTANDS MEN:
She's been married and divorced four times

A GOOD SPORT:
She knows two hundred jokes & can drink
you under the table

LOOKS AND DRESSES LIKE A MODEL:
She's five eleven and weighs seventy-three pounds

BEEN IN SHOW BUSINESS:
She's a former porn movie star

TRAVELED A LOT:
She's been in a LOT of Motels

KNOWS A LOT OF INTERESTING PEOPLE:
None of whom would marry her

WONDERFUL DISPOSITION:
She has PMS

A HARD WORKER:
Retired from "Hooters"
 
A Country Pub

A rather attractive woman goes up to a bar in a quiet country pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over to her immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks softly stroking his face with both her hands.
"Actually, no." says the barman.
"Can you get him for me please - I need to speak to him." She asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid the manager is off sick, " breathes the barman, obviously aroused, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Well, as a matter of fact there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently, "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room!"

=====

Phil was at the bar complaining about having a headache.
"I have a great cure for a headache," said his mate Trevor, "Whenever I have a headache, I head home and I get my wife to give me a long slow and wet blowjob!"
A week went by and they were sitting in the bar again talking, "Did you try my headache cure?" said Trevor.
"Yeah, " said Phil, "It worked fine. Your house is nice too!"
 
Monika And Judi

Monika and Judi, colleagues at work, were having lunch in the office cafeteria one Friday.

"So what are you doing this weekend?" Monika asked Judi.

"I have a ski weekend planned," Judi answered. "Two nights and three days hitting the slopes. I've been saving up for it for several months. I'm really looking forward to it."

"Sounds great," Monika replied. "You'll have to tell me how it goes."

The following Monday, the two friends were once again having lunch in the office cafeteria.

"So how'd your ski weekend go?" Monika asked Judi.

"It was great," Judi replied. "But...there was some good news and some bad news."

"What was the good news?" Monika asked.

"The good news," Judi answered, "was that I shared the cabin with these two drop-dead gorgeous men!"

"Wow! That must have been wonderful!" Monika replied. "So what's the bad news?"

"The bad news," Judi explained, "was that they were engaged to each other!"

=====

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

If size doesn't matter, how come my girlfriends vibrator isn't three
inches long and crooked?

=====

There once was a dentist named Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
And my, how his practice has grown!
 
Twin Bittey's

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin Bitteys.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" - So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the photographer.

YET AGAIN - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, - "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

=====

There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius".

The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".

At last the Nigerian man said, "Let me have a try". So he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said: "I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep.
 
****** DICTIONARY

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

****** - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, ****** repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.

EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse


DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT:
Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
 
Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House

* Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.
* Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
* Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.
* Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.
* Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
* Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
* Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.
* Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
* Pretend to eat your arm.
* Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

•••••

This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you."

The next day, the guy shows up with his wife.

The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table."

She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.

He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."

•••••

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."
 
Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
31. I'm so sorry.
32. Who circumcised you?
33. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
34. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
35. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
36. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
37. Let me go get my tweezers.
38. Let me know when you're done.
39. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?


Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A: He worked it out with a pencil.

Q: Did you hear about the constipated jitterbug?
A: He couldn't jit.

Q: Well, did you hear about the constipated accountant?
A: He couldn't budget.
 
Things Overheard At The STD Clinic

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a
public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for Sexually
Transmitted Diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two
decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate
I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and
my
face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell
you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin'
a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old
homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis
over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the
sores,
they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my
other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat
before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust
either
of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my
armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline
out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my
brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a
'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."
 
What You Want To Be

There were three babies in a woman's stomach, and they were discussing what they would like to be when birthed and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber."

The others laughed at this, and asked "why a plumber?"

He replied, "so I can fix the pipes in here, its kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician."

The others laughed at this and asked "why an electrician?"

He replied, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said "I wanna be a boxer."

The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, "why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "so I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"


There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.


There once was a chic named Nicole
Who loved to ingest a stiff pole
It was always well known
That she'd stuff steel, wood, or bone
Or maybe a tuba in that hole.
 
Things Not To Say In Bed With Someone...
(Part One)

1. You know you want me to.
2. You suck it-like an ice cream cone.
3. You brought the condoms, right?
4. Let's have a flesh fest.
5. What's your last name?
6. I believe in only fivesomes.
7. Don't tell anybody, OK?
8. The condom is on inside out.
9. You don't believe in bestiality?
10. I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig.
11. Wait! I need my teddy bear.
12. Let me go wash my face real fast.
13. I've got pussy breath.
14. I'm gonna throw up.
15. But I wanted to bite it.
16. You broke my nail!
17. Have you ever seen Basic Instinct?
18. Are you a virgin?
19. Shooey! You're better than Mom.
20. Do you trust me, I mean, really trust me?
21. I wanna go muff diving.
22. My dad did it differently
23. Huh? I'm sorry. I fell asleep.
24. Who needs birth control?
25. The ceiling needs painting.
26. Swallowing is a lot neater.
27. Oh, baby, you're so good. (Said sarcastically. )
28. Do you mind if I draw blood?
29. Ever lick someone's anus?
30. My ex was much better.
31. How much do I owe you?
32. I can't find the key.
33. What do you mean, you can't find the key?
34. I'm hungry for some hair pie.
 
Things Not To Say During Sex...
Part 1

1.. Is it in?
2.. That's it?
3.. You've got to be kidding me.
4.. (Phone rings) Hello? Oh, nothing, and you?
5.. Do I have to pay for this?
6.. Do I have to call you tomorrow?
7.. Oh momma, momma!
8.. Oh dadda, dadda!
9.. You look better in the dark.
10.. This is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11.. I thought that goes in the other hole...
12.. Don't tell my husband/wife.
13.. You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
14.. This sucks.
15.. Can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16.. I hope you
don't expect a raise for this...
17.. I think you might get the job for
this.
18.. Damn! Is that all you know what to do.
19.. Did I tell you, I
have herpes?
20.. Now we must get married.
21.. Hurry up, the game's
about to start.
22.. I'm hungry.
23.. I'm thirsty.
24.. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25.. Are you trying to be funny?
26.. Can I have a ride home after this?
27.. Are those real?
28.. By the way, I want to break up.
29.. Is that
smell coming from you?
30.. Haven't you ever done this before?
31.. Wow!
I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32.. Do you know what
some female spiders do after sex?
33.. You're so much like your
sister...
34.. Your mom's cute.
35.. What's your name again?
36.. Do I
have to be here in the morning?
37.. A second time? I barely stayed
awake the first time!
38.. But you just started!
39.. You're about as
good as a 9 year old, and I should know!
40.. Don't touch that!
41.. Can
we order a pizza?
42.. I think my dad is listening at the door.
 
THINGS NOT TO SAY IN BED WITH SOMEONE...
Part 2

35. You don't mind if I film, do you?
36. Can I beat you with my love stick?
37. Where am I?
38. It's Mr. Pastyface!
39. Why don't you just bend over and smile.
40. I forgot to lock the door.
41. Leave the TV on.
42. That's $20 for the first hour, right?
43. I think a blindfold would make you feel better.
44. Do you always smell like that?
45. How about some fellatio?
46. Is it in yet?
47. When was the last time you did this?
48. Cellulite makes me horny.
49. What's your name again?
50. Meet my pet sheep, Stud.
51. Are you done yet?
52. Oh, I've got my period. I forgot. I'm sorry.
53. I thought you were your sister.
54. I thought you'd never climax.
55. Meet Russel the Love Muscle.
56. I'm really really drunk..
57. Your stretch marks turn me on.
58. Did you have an orgasm?
59.. My name is really Andy Dugger.
60. Glad we got that over with.
61. Your cushion lends me to some real good pushin'.
62. If you tell anyone, I'll kill you.
63. If you loved me you would.
64. You mean you're only fourteen?--Yeah.
65. Mr. Head wants some.
66. Ooh, I love small penises.
67. I'm gonna suck your cl-- like a straw.
 
Mickey And Minnie

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the middle of a divorce.
"Mickey," the judge says, "Minnie seems quite normal to me. I can't grant you a divorce just because you think she's crazy."
"I didn't say she was crazy," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was fucking Goofy."

=====

*Q : What's got 2 legs and bleeds?
A : Half a dog.

*Q: Why does a necrophiliac wait six weeks before he fucks a stiff ?
A: Because then he can stick in it anywhere he likes.

*Q. Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?
A. They're both looking for dead beaver.

*Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia.

*Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection ?
A: A quarter-pounder with cheese.

*Q. How to you make a cat go "woof?"
A. Douse it in gasoline, light a match, and "woooof!"

*Q. How do you make a dog go "meow?"
A. Put it in a deep freeze for 5 days, take it out, put a circular saw to it: "meeeeeeoooowwwww."

=====

Then here was this harlot of Crete
She decided to be very neat.
She said, "I'm too high class
To ream common ass,
And I'll wash every prick that I eat."
 
Bad Miscellaneous

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to
disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress
and
tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've
undressed. What should I do with my clothes?"

"Your clothes?" answered the doctor. "Put them over here, on top of
mine."
#####
A cat and a rooster had a race. They reached a stream and the cat said to the rooster "I'm not jumping that - you know cats hate getting wet"
The rooster said "Don't be chicken just back up and take a flying leap"
So the cat tried and landed in the middle. The rooster smiled contendedly.
"What's so bloody funny?" asked the cat.
The rooster replied "Well nothing pleases a cock more than to see a wet pussy"

=====

Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes.

Q: Why did God make man first?
A: He didn't want to have a woman looking over his shoulder.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don t have balls to scratch.

Q: What do you call that useless piece of skin around a pussy?
A: A woman.

Q:) What did one testicle say to the other?
A:) Don't mind the asshole behind us! It's the PRICK ahead we're working for!
 
Things Never To Say During Sex...
Part 2

42) I think my dad is listening at the door.
43) smile for the camera, honey!!!
44) take off that damn monkey glove!!
45) get your hand out of there!!
46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48) cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50) Fire one!
51) God, that is small!!
52) hold on, let me change the channel...
53) who smells like fish?
54) is it O.K. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55) your best-friend does it much better.
56) hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58) you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59) can I borrow 5 bucks?
60) what the hell noise was that?!
61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62) shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63) you know, you're not really attractive.
64) I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65) what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66) stop interrupting me!!
67) I have to take a shit.
68) did I leave the iron on?
69) your breath is funky.
70) (start singing Green Day) .
71) is it O.K. if I call someone, its O.K. though, keep going....
72) its OK honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73) god I wish you were a real woman.
74) why can't you ever shave your legs?
75) by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76) oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... shit.
77) your breast milk is like my mom's....
78) you're hairy!!
79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80) is it O.K. if I never see you again?
81) did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82) don't make that face at me!
83) all of a sudden I have a headache.
84) you're boring.
 
Overweight Blonde

An overweight blonde woman went to see her doctor one day, so that she could get some advice about going on a diet.
"Okay," said the doctor, "I recommend that you eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this for two weeks and the next time that you see me you should have lost t least 5 pounds."
Two weeks later the blonde see's her doctor again. She gets on the scales and the doctor is happy to see that she has lost nearly 30 pounds.
"So you followed my instructions then?" asked the doctor.
"Yes," the blonde nodded,"but I can tell you I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day!"
"From the hunger you mean?" asked the doctor, confused.
"No," replied the blonde, "From skipping all day!"


Some nuns were walking down the steps of a church when a
young priest walked up and into the church nodding to them.
"That father James, he's a rascal." "Sister Anna what do
you mean?"

"Well, he opened his pants one day when I was confessing and
told me that his penis was the staff of life, and had me
pull it" 'Well, said the other nun, He told me it was
Gabriel's horn and made me blow it!.
 
Serious Signs Of Menopause...

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he
is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than
just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply,
"Well, if it isn't Ozzie fucking Nelson."

5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate
Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop
on a field trip to Chippendales.

8. You suspect that most of your blouses have ' missing '
buttonholes.


Thinks You Don't Want To Hear Or Say In Bed

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
Got any penicillin?
When is this supposed to feel good?
You're good enough to do this for a living.
But everybody looks funny naked.
How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
Is that you I smell?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
This would be more fun with some more people, is your
brother at home?
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Did I mention the video camera?
My old boyfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
And to think-I was really trying to pick up your friend!
Hope you're looking as good when I'm sober.....
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
 


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